In Fate's Hands

What the hell is his problem? Does he think he can go and kiss me like that then leave me standing here like it was no big deal?

What a fucking man whore. I knew I shouldn’t have even given him a chance. I knew I couldn’t make him change the way he acts, how he throws himself at anyone. He’s never going to change. I shouldn’t have put so much effort into trying.

I wiped the tears that were falling down my face on my sweatshirt sleeve. Ethan doesn’t even deserve these tears.

“I’m so fucking pathetic.” I said out loud, burying my face in my hands. So stupid for thinking that I could change someone that cocky, that self-absorbed, that sex crazed. He doesn’t want a relationship, he could never handle a relationship, he’d go off and cheat with the first person he sees.

The tears stopped falling and I went in the house, in a terrible mood. I just wanted to go home, curl up on the couch and watch The Notebook with a carton of chocolate ice cream.

I opened and closed the door softly, coming back into the living room. It was so clean. I noticed Ethan finishing up with wiping off the table. I would’ve never imagined in all my years of knowing him that he’d be cleaning.

I went over by Nick, who had a concerned look on his face. He could always tell when I’d been crying.

“Do you wanna head out?” Nick asked.

Before I could say yes, Ethan started talking.

“I want to talk to him before you guys leave, alright?” He asked, looking at me, then looking at Nick, then back at me.

I glared at him. “So now you want to talk?” I asked, my voice harsh.

He yanked me by the arm into one of the many empty rooms of Nathan’s loft. He closed the door and (surprisingly) turned the lights on. I crossed my arms over my chest, waiting for him to start talking. I wasn’t going to say a word. I don’t have to. He’s the one that has to do all the explaining.

My tough guy disposition faltered when I saw in his eyes how troubled he was actually feeling.

He sighed. “Riley, I’m…sorry.” He paused, getting himself together. “I know it was wrong of me to kiss you like that and just leave it at that. It’s just…” He looked down at the floor again, seeming nervous and unsure. “I can’t…I don’t express…I’ve never expressed, emotions like I’m feeling right now. I’ve never even felt anything like this before.”

My cheeks got slightly warm as my insides started feeling fuzzy. Maybe I did change him. “What are you feeling?”

He looked at me as I was having my “warm and fuzzy” moment, and he smiled at me, a genuine smile. Not one of his sarcastic, sadistic smiles he often flashed at me so many times before. His eyes still had some troubling feelings in them, like he was fighting with himself.

“I.. don’t really know how to explain it.” He sighed, looking down, then looking me straight in my eyes with his intense blue ones. “You’ve…I don’t know…fuck. I suck at this.”

I smiled as he let out a nervous laugh, blushing.

He seemed to be getting frustrated with himself, and it was really adorable. “God damn it. You make me nervous. You make me smile. You make me laugh. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before.” He paused. “You…make me feel important, like I actually have a purpose here.”

I wanted to say that those words were the sweetest things I’ve ever heard, that he didn’t need to say anymore. That he had me at “I’m sorry”, but I just smiled as my cheeks tinted a darker red.

“I don’t know, it’s like we were meant to be together or something. Like it’s our fate.” His face said that he thought that he failed at getting his point across, as did the tone in his voice. He stuck his hands in his jean pockets shyly, not making eye contact with me again.

I think he’s said enough. I continued smiling as I walked up to him. When he looked up at me I hugged him. Ethan’s body jumped, probably not used to hugs, but then relaxed a little.

“Do you really believe that? All of that?” I asked him quietly, hoping the answer was yes. Hoping that he didn’t bullshit that whole thing.

His arms slowly wrapped around me, squeezing me tightly. “Yeah. All of it.”

I looked at him, right in the eyes. I could tell he was telling the truth. This was all real. This was all happening. The alcohol was barely having an effect on me now. I gave Ethan a small smile and pressed my lips against his softly.

When I pulled away, Ethan was smiling, turning red. “We should go out there, so they don’t think we fucked or anything.” He said quietly.

I nodded and let go of him. “You would like them to have that idea.”

He smiled and hit me. “Shut up. Go.” He pushed me out of the room.

We got back into the living room, and it was empty except for Nick.

“Where did the rest of them go?” Ethan asked. “I swear if they left…”

“They left.” Nick said, sounding slightly disappointed.

“How are we supposed to get home?” I asked, getting pissed at Keegan and Kaedyn, though this was expected from them.

“Nathan! Where the fuck are you?” Ethan yelled.

When there was no response, that meant he was passed out in his bed.

I sighed. “I guess we’re stuck walking.”

“Fuck my life.” Ethan said, slipping his shoes on, Nick and I doing the same.

“Stop being so overdramatic, Ethan, I swear.” Nick said, opening the door.

“Shut the fuck up, you little-”

I cleared my throat, cutting him off.

He looked at me.

“No.” I said simply.

He sighed and closed the door behind us, the night air chilly as it blew gently through my sweatshirt.

I shivered when we started walking away from the house. Ethan wrapped his arm around me, rubbing my arm, keeping me close to him. I looked at him and smiled.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? What the hell is going on? You and…no.” Nick stuttered, walking in front of us so he could walk backwards and look at us. “This is what came out of that ten minutes of alone time?”

I nodded, trying to get my hair out of my face. “This is it.”

Nick still looked bewildered beyond all hope. “But this…how…why him? Honestly? I didn’t know you were into whorish bad boys.”

“Hey. None of that, not anymore.” I said to Nick, hitting him.

“Well at least I’m not-”

“Ethan!” I yelled at him. “No more of this name calling shit. It’s so fucking immature. I won’t have my two best friends and boyfriend bickering at each other nonstop, calling each other whores and bitches. Just no.”

They both sighed, Ethan taking a cigarette out of his back pocket with his lighter. I stepped away from him, walking with Nick. He didn’t question my actions, he knows that I hate smoking with a passion.

“So what are you gonna tell the twins? They’re going to be heartbroken when they find out that one of their fuck buddies is whipped.” Nick said, turning back to look at Ethan, who didn’t seem to hear what Nick said.

“They’re just going to have to get over it and find someone else. That’s what whores do, find other people.” I said.

“You better not be talking about me up there.” Ethan said.

“Don’t worry, we’re not, at least not directly.” Nick said, smirking. “Notice how he started listening after I said whore.”

I rolled my eyes and moved on. “Like I was going to say, Keegan and Kaedyn can go fuck themselves, because they’re not laying their hands on Ethan anymore.” I looked back and smiled at him, shivering again. Damn him and his smoking habits making me freeze. He threw the butt of the cigarette into the street, and after he blew the smoke out of his system, I resumed by position under Ethan’s arm.

“I’m surprised those two don’t fuck each other already. I walked in on them making out earlier tonight.” Ethan said.

“Ew. That’s so awkward. Do you think they were still drunk?” I asked.

“I’m kind of hoping so.” Ethan said as we turned a corner.

The conversation lulled a little as we walked.

“Hey Riley, just a question.” Nick said.

“What?” I asked, finally not shivering after Ethan cuddling with me on a park bench for ten minutes.

“How is this going to work when your parents don’t know?” He asked.

“Don’t know…do your parents not know you’re gay?” Ethan asked.

I shook my head, looking at the ground, feeling embarrassed.

“I think you should probably tell them.” Ethan said.

“I know I have to, but I don’t want to know what will happen if they don’t accept me.” I said quietly, feeling small.
“They accept Kaedyn, don’t they?” Nick asked.

“Well, yeah, but they also shun him-”

“Because he’s a dumb ass, they both are. You’re not a problem child.” Nick said.

I sighed. “I guess. It’s just one of those things that’s gonna be really hard to bring up and talk about. My parents know you’re gay, right?” I asked.

He laughed a little. “How could they not? We’re always laying on top of each other whenever we watch movies, and I swear Ian can’t keep his hands off my hips for more than a minute.” Nick said.

I smiled, knowing how true that is.

I wrapped my arm around Ethan and kissed his cheek.

He jumped at the unexpectedness, which made me giggle. He shook his head at me, our lips meeting.

I heard Nick giggling, most likely at us.

I don’t know when I got home, because I fell asleep on Ethan while he was giving me a piggy back ride. He’s a really comfy pillow.

I crawled out of bed and went into the kitchen, seeing Kaedyn and Keegan in the kitchen, toasting two bagels. They turned their heads at me but said nothing yet. I know they saw Ethan and I come in last night.

“So what was with you and Ethan last night?” Keegan asked.

I guess I thought too soon.

“What about it?” I asked, grabbing a box of cereal and a bowl.

“Don’t give us that shit, Riley.” Keegan spat.

“What does it matter, really? It’s not like you really meant much to him anyways.”

They just scowled at me and waited for their bagels while I poured milk over my Cookie Crisp.