In Fate's Hands

I heard the door open behind me. If it’s Riley, I might explode.

I turned my head, and sure fucking enough, it was Riley.

I turned back to facing the setting sun, taking a long drag off my cigarette.

Riley stepped next to me, looking really awkward, keeping his eyes on the ground. I kept trying not to pay attention to him, but I felt the awkwardness as well.

“Hey, are you alright?” I heard him ask, a considerate amount of confusion and concern in his voice.

I said nothing, blowing the calming smoke out through my mouth and nostrils. I was no good at these deep conversations. I can’t form words to make them sound right.
I felt his hand touch my shoulder, but I automatically shrugged it off as an honest to god reflex. I hated people touching me like this, trying to comfort me and make me open up. It was irritating.

“You know it’s not bad for you to show some sort of considerate emotion every once in a while.” Riley said with a sort of harshness in his voice, something that I’ve never heard in him before.

For some reason, it scared me. A lot. Like I was afraid I was going to lose him, even though I didn’t even have him, technically.

I turned around and kissed him with compassion, something I’ve never done before. I didn’t kiss him because I wanted to get in his pants or fuck him senseless. I kissed him because…

Those three words burned in the back of my throat. I couldn’t even think them. They seemed like poison in my mind.

I pulled away from his lips slowly, staring into his light chocolate brown eyes before going back into the house, scared of what was happening between us.

I never wanted to be in a relationship, there were too many restraints, too many restrictions.

But for some unknown, bizarre reason, a relationship with Riley seemed to be the thing I wanted most right now.

Relationship.

That word mocked me as I came back into the living room, walking in on Keegan and Kaedyn making out on the couch.

They pulled apart quickly as I walked in, even though they knew it was too late to hide anything.

“Incest much?” I said, raising an eyebrow at them, then going around and cleaning up the floor a little bit. I only cleaned when I was nervous.

“Shut up.” They said, crawling off each other.

“Why are you cleaning up?” Keegan asked.

“Why not? It’s my brother’s house, I should help out a little bit.” I said, not sounding like myself at all. They both caught on to it, but said nothing, just gave me faces like I was full of shit, which I was. I didn’t want to tell them I wanted a relationship with their brother, they’d call me crazy, ask where the Ethan they knew went, what made me change my mind about, basically, my whole lifestyle.

I wouldn’t be able to tell them one single thing, because I have no fucking clue. It’s like Riley has this magic pull on me, and he’s reeling me in slowly but surely, and I’m almost his.

“Wow…thanks Ethan…I think..” Nathan said slowly, confused. “Where’s Riley?”

“He’s still outside.” I answered quickly. Too quickly.

Now I was getting suspicious glances from everyone, but I just ignored them and continued cleaning.

I heard the door open and close about ten minutes after I went in, after I cleaned the living room spotless.

“Do you wanna head out?” Nick asked, coming up to him, Riley still having that confused look in his eyes, along with hurt.

My mood dropped even more when I figured out that his mood was probably caused by me.

“I want to talk to him before you guys leave, alright?” I said, looking between Nick and Riley, Riley having a slight sneer on his face.

“So now you want to talk?” He asked, his voice almost acid.

I walked towards him and grabbed his arm, making him follow me into one of the empty rooms in the loft. This room happened to be Nathan’s art room.

I shut the door and turned the light on, facing Riley. Riley had a cocky look on his face, crossing his arms over his chest, waiting for me to say something. I felt like our roles were switched, where I was the helpless guy with feelings and Riley was the cocky jackass with no emotion.

Riley’s expression softened as he saw the conflict in my eyes.

I sighed. “Riley, I’m…sorry.” I got out. I’ve never apologized to anyone before. “I know it was wrong of me to kiss you like that and just leave it at that. It’s just…” I paused. I tried looking at Riley while I spoke, but I couldn’t. My words got lost if I made eye contact. “I can’t…I don’t express…I’ve never expressed, emotions like I’m feeling right now. I’ve never even felt anything like this before.” I said, feeling like this whole thing was falling apart.

“What are you feeling?” Riley asked quietly.

I looked up at him. He was smiling one of the cutest smiles I’ve never seen. He was standing slightly pigeon toed, picking at one of his nails, looking at me through his light brown hair.

There that word was again, stuck in the back of my throat. The four letter word that was never a part of my vocabulary until now.

“I.. don’t really know how to explain it.” I sighed, looking at the ground, collecting my thoughts, then looking at Riley in the eyes. “You’ve…I don’t know…fuck. I suck at this.” I let out a nervous laugh, feeling my cheeks get warm. “God damn it. You make me nervous. You make me smile. You make me laugh. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before.” I paused. “You…make me feel important, like I actually have a purpose here.”

Riley smiled, blushing.

“I don’t know, it’s like we were meant to be together or something. Like it’s our fate.” I said, sticking my hands in my jean pockets, feeling like I did something wrong since Riley wasn’t saying anything.

When I was looking at my feet, Riley’s feet appeared too. I looked up at him and he wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder. I jumped at the sudden touch.

“Do you really believe that? All of that?” He asked quietly in my ear.

I slowly put my arms around Riley, hugging him tightly, nodding. “Yeah. All of it.”