Sick and Tired

“Do you know what’s been up with him?”

“He’s sick, obviously, you idiot.”

“Yeah, but I mean… with what? It’s almost been two weeks!”

“I don’t think Alex knows, either.”

“Zack knows. He’s just not telling us.”

“But you’d think he’d tell his boyfriend, if anyone, right?”

They don’t even know it, but I can hear every word Rian and Jack are saying. They’re sitting in the lounge, thinking that I’m asleep. But I’m not, obviously. Zack’s curled up in my arms, sleeping peacefully, I hope. He’s been so sick lately… And I have no idea what’s wrong. He keeps saying that he’s fine; that he’s getting better. But I know he’s lying. He’s not getting better.

I slowly trail my hand down his bare chest, stopping at his firm stomach. Before he got so sick, he’d been working out like crazy; he was always at the gym, it seemed, determined to get those abs that he always wanted. But he’s stopped going. Now all he does is sleep and throw up. He can barely keep down any food.

There’s something wrong. I know there is, but even though Rian and Jack seem to be convinced that Zack knows what it is, I don’t think that. I don’t think he knows, and that’s why he’s refusing to go see a doctor. He’s afraid of what they’re going to tell him. I’m afraid of what they’re going to tell him.

**

“Although it’s really quite flattering, can you please quit staring at me?” Zack requests quietly, blushing lightly under my gaze.

I smile and turn my eyes away from him; I hadn’t even realized I was staring. I take the poster from the young girl standing before me and quickly sign it with my bright blue sharpie. Zack actually picked this sharpie out for me. I don’t know why he did, but because he picked it, it’s automatically my favorite.

The signing goes rather quickly. We aren’t really a well known band – yet. One day we will be, but for now we’re just another little filler band on warped tour. We’ve just recently upgraded from a van to a tour bus, so clearly we’re on our way. I mean, we’re only 20, but I think we’ve got a rather strong fan base already.

On the way back to the bus, I notice that Zack looks pale.

“Are you okay?” I ask quietly so not to bring attention to us. Jack and Rian are walking a few feet ahead of us.

“Yeah, I’m fine… I think the heat’s getting to me.”

I accept his answer, because really, it’s almost 100 degrees out here today and even I’m beginning to get affected by it. But once we get onto the bus he should be perfectly fine.

The only thing is, he’s not. When we get inside, he walks straight to the back of the bus and I watch as he crawls into my bunk, not even bothering to climb up into his own. I guess that would take too much time and energy…

I take a step forward to follow him, but Jack pulls me back. He’s looking at me intensely Rian is giving me the same expression.

“What?” I ask, trying to pull my arm from Jack’s grasp.

“You need to take him to get checked out,” Rian says quietly. “Tomorrow we’ll be in New York… Take him to the hospital early in the morning. If he’s really sick, he won’t be able to play tomorrow.”

“I… yeah… You’re right, I know. I’ll talk to him, okay?”

I pull my arm from Jack’s grip and walk to the back of the bus. I pull back the curtain to my bunk and see Zack curled up against the wall, clutching my pillow in his hands. I sigh and kick off my sneakers before getting into the bed with him.

He opens his eyes when he feels someone settle in beside him. He smiles when he sees that it’s only me. “Hey baby.”

With a small smile I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him close to me. He sighs contently, and I feel bad that I’m about to interrupt his apparent peace of mind.

“Hey…Zacky can we talk?”

“About what?” His eyes narrow, and he definitely knows exactly what I want to talk about.

“About why you’ve been so sick lately…I’m so worried about you.”

“I just… I just don’t feel like myself lately… you shouldn’t worry too much, okay? I’ll be fine… I just need some sleep. This tour is stressing me.”

I sit up. “Zack quit it. I know you’re not fine. For the past two weeks you’ve been throwing up and sleeping all day when we’re not performing. That’s not okay, Zack. It’s scaring me.”

He casts his eyes downwards and I feel his hands grip my t-shirt. “I’m scared too, Alex. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t think I even want to know what’s wrong…”

“But you need to know. We’re going to go to the closest hospital tomorrow morning, alright? We’ll look up directions on the computer and rent a car-”

He interrupts me by violently shaking his head. “No. No way. No hospitals.”

“Zack, you have to. You need to. And I want you to.”

I know for a fact that telling him that I want him to go will make him agree. He’ll do anything for me, and if I have to use that to my advantage to make him go to the hospital, than I will.

“Okay… Fine. I’ll go. But you’re going to be with me, right? You won’t leave me?”

“Of course not… Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know…Can you just hold me?”

I don’t offer an answer. Instead I simply tangle our legs together and rest my head beside his, breathing in deep.

*

“Baby, stop fidgeting.”

Zack glares at me and continues to tap his foot and play with my fingers in a nervous manner. We’re sitting in the waiting room at the local hospital, surrounded by sick people. I’ll bet anything that I end up getting really sick after this.

“What if I’m dying?” he whispers to me.

I won’t lie; it’s crossed my mind countless times since I woke up this morning. I woke up because Zack was desperately trying to untangle himself from me and get out of the bed. The second he did, he was running to the bathroom to throw up.

“Don’t think like that; I’m sure you’re fine.”

Zack gives me a half of a smile and rests his head on my shoulder. He’s nervous, and I know he has every right to be, but I want him to just calm down and relax.

“I don’t like doctors, Lex.”

“You don’t have to talk. I’ll do all the talking for you.”

“Thanks. I love you.”

“Love you, Zack.”

*

“So, what seems to be the problem Mr. Merrick?”

Zack sends me a desperate look, and I intervene.

“He’s been throwing up a lot, and feeling nauseous. And he sleeps all the time.”

Doctor Albanese looks up from her clipboard, probably wondering why I’m speaking for Zack. “Throwing up and sleeping…Is that it? Anything else?”

I watch Zack as he slowly nods.

“I um… I’ve been feeling sore, and it hurts right here,” He says, lifting his shirt and pointing to the upper right side of his stomach.

My eyes widen, realizing he’s been hurting so much more than I had been aware of.

“Okay. Do you travel a lot?”

“Yes… I’m in a band. We’re on the Vans Warped Tour this summer…”

“So the food is catered?”

“Yeah…”

“Okay. I’m going to do some blood tests, and have the results back ASAP. Alright?”

“Sure…”

Zack grips onto my hand tightly as the doctor walks out into the hallway and calls for a nurse. When one finally comes into the room, Zack looks like he might faint. I soothingly rub my fingers over the top of his hand as the nurse approaches with a needle. Zack hates needles.

“Sweetie, just look at him, okay?” the nurse advises with a calm, collected tone. She must see people like Zack every single day.

Zack looks over at me, but not quite meeting my eyes. I gently lift his chin so that he’s making eye contact with me and I smile, trying my best to be of some comfort to him.

“If it hurts just squeeze his hand.”

I really wish that stupid nurse didn’t tell him that, because the second she did he tightens his grip and when I look down, breaking our eye contact, I see that his knuckles are practically white. But I keep the smile on my face and lean my forehead against his. He needs me, and I’m willing to be here in whatever way possible.

*

“So what did they say?”

“Can you play today?”

“You look so pale, Zack.”

I roll my eyes and push past Rian, Flyzik and Jack and pull Zack along behind me. I lead him over to the table and point at it, telling him to sit.

“You have to try to eat something, okay?”

He simply shrugs and I roll my eyes at him as well.

“Okay seriously tell us what went down,” Jack demands, sitting at the table across from Zack.

“They took some blood and ran some tests… They’re going to call in 2 hours.”

I glance at the clock. It’s only 9:30 now. We left the hospital at 9:15.

“Okay… we should probably just tell Kevin Lyman that we can’t perform today… Maybe Zack should rest and then-”

Zack interrupts Rian. “No, I can play! I’m okay, I promise!”

“No,” I say, putting a plate down in front of him. “You’re really not, and you’re not playing today.”

“But- Alex! I have to play! The fans-”

“The fans will understand. You need to just take it easy, like the doctor told you.”

He stares down at the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and he sighs. “Fine.”

*

An hour later, Zack and I are playing Halo, alone on the bus. The other guys went to go hang out with the other bands and see what food is out. I’m trying to keep Zack awake, because I don’t want him to fall asleep and miss the call from the hospital about his results. It’s proving to be difficult, however. Every time I glance over at him, he’s yawning or looks like his eyes are about to shut.

“Baby, you really gotta stay awake,” I tell him after beating him in the game for the fourth time. “You don’t want to miss that call.”

“I know, I’m trying.”

He lifts his arms above his head and stretches, his back arching and his head tilting back. I can’t help but smile.

“How do you feel right now?” I question, scooting closer to him on the floor. My hands reach over and quickly slip up the front of his t-shirt, resting gently on his stomach.

“I… I feel fine…”

“Yeah? You don’t feel nauseous or anything?”

“Nope.”

“Well that’s good then, isn’t it?”

He blushes lightly as my hands move slowly up his body and I push him so he’s lying on the floor. His shirt bunches up at his chest and he lifts his arms for me to remove it.

“You’re so perfect, you know that?” I whisper into his ear once I pull the cotton shirt off. “And I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Lex.”

With a small gasp, he closes his eyes as I run my hands along his body, gently tracing the outline of a six-pack. I smile to myself, knowing how hard he’d been working for that.

“Alex,” he interrupts, pushing at my shoulder. “What if what I have is contagious?”

“Zack, I’ve been sleeping in the same bed as you and I’ve been making out with you the whole time you’ve been sick. I don’t think it’s contagious.”

“I just don’t want to get you sick…”

“I won’t. Okay?”

“Okay… But I don’t want to do this here. The guys could come back any minute. Can we go back to our bunk?”

“Sure.”

I stand and hold out my hands to him. He reaches up and pulls himself up from the floor, grabbing his shirt as well. I smirk and he blushes even harder than earlier.

*

A little more than a half hour later, we lay in my bunk sweaty and panting, trying desperately to catch up on breathing. Zack’s hand is intertwined with my own and when I look over at him, I see that once again, he’s struggling to stay awake.

“You can’t sleep,” I remind him.

He groans. “How about you just answer the call when it comes? I seriously need to just pass out right now.”

“I… You want me to take it?”

“Yeah.”

“But what if… what if it’s bad?”

“Then I guess you’ll just have to wake me up?”

He looks at me in confusion, as if he can’t understand why I’m so concerned. But I really do not want to take that phone call. I don’t want to have to be the one to tell him what’s wrong – what if it’s really bad? I don’t think I’d be able to do it.

“Alex, please?” He sounds almost desperate, and I give in with a slight nod.

He sighs, a relaxed expression taking over his features and he presses his body up against mine. Within minutes, he’s out cold. I can’t help but stare at him while he’s sleeping. To me, he’s so beautiful and perfect… I can’t imagine being without him. I don’t want to imagine being without him.

Pushing away any bad thoughts, I place Zack’s cell phone on the mattress beside me. I roll over, keeping Zack as close as possible, and I stare at it, just waiting for it to ring and tell me what I desperately need to know. But it just sits there, silent as ever.

Ten minutes pass before I hear someone open the door to the bus. They make a whole lot of noise as they make their way towards the bunks. That’s how I know it’s Jack.

“Alex, you in here?”

Before I can even respond, Jack whips back the curtain of my bunk and stares down at me with a grin. Then he looks at Zack and the grin is replaced with a look of disgust. “Put some clothes on!”

“Jack what do you want?” I ask, ignoring his request.

“I was just wondering if the hospital called yet,” He answers quietly. “Rian and Flyzik told me to come and check.”

“No, not yet but-”

I’m interrupted by the cell phone. It buzzes angrily on the mattress at first, the number glaring at me. Then the ringtone starts going off – some stupid John Mayer song – and I don’t even have time to shut it off. Zack’s already awake.

He mumbles something incoherent into my shoulder before opening his eyes and reaching across me for the phone. Jack stares at me with wide eyes, and I look everywhere but at Zack as he sits up and presses the button to answer the call.

“Hello?”

I sort of feel like this call will determine the rest of my life. If it’s good news, I’ll be happy, because I’ll have Zack. If it’s bad… then I don’t have Zack and I don’t even know how I would even begin to live without him near me. I study his facial expressions as he speaks to the person on the other end of the phone, but he doesn’t give much away.

“Okay,” he says after a minute. “I’ll be there… Thank you, you too.”

He pulls the phone away from his ear and presses the ‘end call’ button. He avoids eye contact with me.

“Alex, can you take me back to the hospital? The doctor just wants to talk to me,” he says quietly.

“But… what’d they say? Did they tell you anything?”

He nods. “Not what’s wrong, no. They want to tell me when I get there. They said I shouldn’t be too worried, though…”

Too worried? How the hell can they tell someone not to be too worried? They’re fucking nuts, if you ask me. But I keep my mouth shut as Jack quickly leaves to tell Flyzik to call for a rental car and Zack pulls on his clothes. I follow his lead, getting dressed as fast as I can.

*

Waiting rooms, I feel like, are for people who are waiting for bad news. That’s all you ever see in the movies – the family gets bad news, or something like that. Sitting here right now just does not feel right – I feel like I shouldn’t have any hope. Zack left me twenty minutes ago, following one of the nurses into another room. He left me here without any information – nothing. But I think I’m past the point of freaking out – I’m just sort of… here.

I’m almost dreading the moment that he walks back in here, though. I’m dreading it because I don’t know what he’s going to tell me. It could be serious. It could be nothing. But still, I’m in the dark and I don’t like it.

But I can’t help but think – if Zack’s okay, then I need to do something. I need to do something about it – make us permanent-

“Alex.”

I look up from the magazine that remained un-opened in my lap. Zack is in front of me, staring down at me with a small smile.

“I’m okay, Alex. Don’t freak out.”

I stand quickly, resisting the urge to just pull him to me and never let him go. “Then what’d they say?”

“I have Hepatitis A.”

“What the fuck is that?”

“Don’t worry,” he assures me. “If you haven’t had any symptoms by now, you don’t have it. I probably got it from the stupid catering on tour – she said something about ‘unsanitary conditions’ or whatever. She said it’s ‘inflammation of the liver’, which would explain why I felt so much pain in that area…”

“So… you’re okay.”

“Yes. I’m okay. She gave me some medication for the nausea… I should be fine to play the show tomorrow.”

As my heart rate slows to a normal level, I simply stare at him, a smile gradually making its way onto my face.

“Zack, I was so fucking scared,” I finally say.

“I know… I thought it was something really bad and I was really sick…”

“It made me think, Zack. Like, really made me think. I don’t want to ever be without you. You know?”

“Same.”

He pulls me close to his body, his arms wrapping around my waist. I kiss the top of his head. “Marry me.”

His arms tighten and he slowly looks up at me. “What?”

“Marry me, Zack. I need you. I only want to be with you. Forever.”

“I- Alex, that’s-”

“It’s a yes or no question.”

“Alex, are you sure? I mean, you’re-”

“I know; I’ve never been one for commitment. Until you, though. So seriously, Zack. Be mine.”

A whole bunch of emotions seem to appear on his face in a matter of seconds, but eventually he settles on a smile. “Of course, Alex. I’ll marry you.”

*