Gaunt

November 8, 2009

Haven't eaten
since the day before Halloween
last month.
In my head
I like to say,
"I haven't eaten in a month."
But I know it's not really true.

Sometimes I try to
throw up anyway
just to make sure there is nothing but
air;
it’s comforting.



November 17, 2009

I bought a turkey for Thanksgiving,
most American holiday.
Not sure why.
Not sure why I do most of the things
I do.

I stared at it, sitting on the counter,
frozen and cold and
dead
like my hands.
Mocked me mercilessly:
gobble gobble gobble

Finally
I threw that shit
out the window.
I thought birds
could fly
?



November 26, 2009

Mom invited me home for Thanksgiving.
Told her I was eating with him.
He invited me over for Thanksgiving.
Told him I was eating with her.

Sat at home shivering
with a clenched jaw and
wet eyes.
Felt dirty
as I fantasized about pumpkin pie
and apple cider
like a church boy
with a crush on the pastor.

I heard that bird.
That fucking bird
Still mocking me from its
sidewalk grave.
gobble gobble gobble

Why can’t I just fucking stop?