Until Tomorrow

After crying for only God knows how long, I reluctantly mustered the strength to get myself off the ground, and began walking. I did not know where I was going or where I was. But then again, I didn’t care. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to rationalize what had happened. I wanted to cry out the hurt I was feeling that constricted my heart. I wanted to cry out in hopes that it may ease all the damage and heartbreak I was feeling. I wanted to be in the comfort of my home; I wanted to be in the comfort of his arms. I wanted him to tell me that everything was going to be okay, and that he didn't mean a single word he said. I wanted him to hold me close to him and tell me that he loves me and would never leave me, for any reason. I wanted things to go back to how they were. I wanted our relationship to not be over.

I wanted Brian back.

But most of all, I wanted to have never felt this way- to have never felt this heartbreak. It was nothing that I have ever felt before. I wanted to not feel the agony in my heart. It feels like each artery and vein coming to and from my heart have severed itself, and left my mutilated heart in isolation. Slowly, the heavy and lively beating of my heart becomes slower and lighter, where soon enough it will cease to beat. As cliché as it sounds, I needed Brian like I needed the air to breath or the blood that needed to pump through my heart. Without him, I don't know how I am supposed to survive in a world like this. He was my best friend, my other half, and the only person I could fully trust and love. He was my rock, my strength, and one of the reasons why I get up everyday in the morning. He's helped me through so much already, how am I supposed to keep going through life without him? I know that I am not that strong enough of a person to do that by myself.

I tried to stop myself from thinking about it, but I couldn't. No matter what I tried to think about or what I tried to focus on, my mind always went back to Brian and our lost relationship. My emotional self was in protest of the thoughts continuously coming into my head; the doubts and the realization: Did he mean it? Why did he just end things? Did I do something? Did I not do something? Am I not good enough good enough for him? Is it really over?

Tears silently made their way down my already tear-stained face. No matter how many times I willed myself to stop with the waterworks, or wiped my eyes with the sleeves of my sweater, the tears seemed to be impossible to stop. I wasn't yelling or crying out my feelings, instead I remained quiet. Not only was I tired of crying, but I was just tired in general. I was emotionally and physically exhausted, like I didn't have enough energy to put forth an effort to do anything.

My eyes trailed the sidewalk as my legs lifelessly dragged my feet against the pavement; one after another. The friction between the pavement and the bottoms of my flip-flops, was the only thing I could hear, apart from the insignificant distant noises. I let out a sigh as I replayed everything in my head once again: "And you know that I would never intentionally hurt you in anyway. And that there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you… But I- I think, I think that we should see other-" People. He wanted to see other people.

Another big round of tears were threatening to fall out of my sore and blurred eyes at the thought of Brian wanting to see other people. Had I not only just thought that he and I would be together for the rest of our lives? I bit my trembling lip as I heard his voice in my head repeating that line again, and again, and again.

But then another thought came to mind: we just had sex and then he broke up with me.

I jumped as a low rumble shook the ground slightly, accompanied by the loud crash of thunder. The loud noise startled me so much so that the tears that I was withholding were let out. I quickly wiped my eyes dry of tears. Bewildered by the environment around me, I looked around, noticing I was walking around in an unfamiliar neighborhood, and then I looked up towards the sky, seeing that the beautiful scenery that I admired back at the beach was being coated by black and grey. This was all fitting my mood completely.

Another loud rumble came crashing down, and coming down was a light mist of rain, which gradually became heavier. As each rain drop came in contact with my bare skin, I felt it sting me; it felt like I was being pinched all over, nonstop. I picked up my pace and put in the effort to look for my house. At that moment, I regretted having worn a loose sweater and shorts since it didn't do shit in helping to prevent the harsh rain drops pricking at my skin, let alone keep me warm from the chilly wind that was coming past me non-stop.

I just kept walking at my fast pace until I was familiar with my surroundings and spotted my house. I didn't have much luck when all of the fucking houses that I’ve walked by looked exactly the same as mine.

At this point, the sky had gone completely dark, and the only thing lighting the way were the street lights. I let out a shaky sigh just as another cool rush of wind blew through, causing me to shiver ridiculously. I clutched onto my arms and rubbing them vigorously to keep me warm, as bits of my damp hair began flying everywhere. With everything that happened with Brian, you would figure that that would be enough shit for me to go through in a day, but no, I just had to go run off and get myself lost, and of course it just had to rain. This was all playing out like a scene in a fucking Hollywood movie.

As I continued to walk, I got an unsettling feeling in my stomach. I felt as if I was being followed. I stopped where I was momentarily. I cautiously looked behind me as my heart began to race slightly, fearing that someone might come and take advantage of the vulnerability of my state of mind. The street was silent, apart from soothing sound coming from the rain falling down and my somewhat increased breathing. I scanned the area behind me, as much as I could do so in the dark until I was totally convinced that no one was following me. Seeing that there was nothing or no one there out of the ordinary, I let out a sigh of relief and turned to face forward again as I took another step.

I stopped immediately in my tracks.