Sorrow Swallows My Screams

I looked at door where Shantel just walked through without a word, a warning, a sign. She just got up and left.

What did I do? I know it may seem like a stupid question, but I really don’t know what I did to her to make her act the way she’s acting towards me.

I pulled off the bed sheets off of me and sat up on the edge of the bed. My hands rubbed my face down hard. That’s when I realized what must have sent her off.

“Fuck!” I groaned as I got up to my feet and picked up my t-shirt off the floor. I brought it up to my nose and I could smell the strong fragrance of perfume from earlier. “Damn it!” I hissed to myself.

I threw my shirt away from me and opened my dresser for a clean shirt. I pulled on my jeans and headed downstairs to the kitchen where a different aroma was evident- coffee.

“Why in God’s name would she be making coffee at…,” I paused my mumbling to look at my watch, “… three in the morning?”

I closed my mouth as I was getting closer to the kitchen. All of the lights were turned off apart from the dim light from the hood of the stove.

Shantel stood near it, her back towards me, with the coffee maker in front of her on the counter. The only sound that could be heard was the slow, but steady stream of freshly made coffee pouring into the pot. The smell became stronger as more and more of the addictive liquid filled it.

Under the circumstance I was in, I know it wasn’t the time for this, but right then and there, I just wanted to ravish her. My eyes roamed over her body, but landed on her legs first.

The way her long legs looked, there wasn’t a hint of an imperfection marked on her smooth legs. I felt the need to just run my hands up her legs slowly as I placed kisses up her thigh and towards her-

“What do you want, Brian?” Shantel spoke, rather harshly if you ask me. I cleared my throat and took my eyes off of her, as I attempted to stray away from my thoughts and hide the little problem I had created. She was still facing the coffee pot, drumming her fingers impatiently, waiting for the beeping sound that indicated it was finished.

“I just, uh…,” I struggled to find the words to help her understand what was going on. But I don’t think there was anything that I could say to make the situation better. If anything, the things that could come out of my mouth would only make things worse, and would ruin everything I had worked so hard for from the beginning.

“You know what? Don’t even bother,” she said, sighing shortly after as she dismissed it with her hand.

As if on cue, the coffee maker sent out a beep. She grabbed a spoon from the drawer next to her and stood on the tips of her toes as she reached into the cupboard above her to retrieve her coffee mug, once again, revealing me her long legs and her perfectly shaped and toned ass, which, unfortunally, was covered by her underwear. The things I wanted to do to her were so irrelevant to the situation, but it’s been so long since I have even had sex with her- my girlfriend. If you ask me, that’s crazy. But it was something I had to stop doing with her in order to make things work.

As if my legs all of a sudden had mind of their own- actually, scratch that. My dick had a mind all of its own and was pretty much forcing my legs to move until I was some distance away from her. I leaned on the island, directly behind her as she poured the coffee in her mug and began stirring in the sugar and creamer.

I just watched her as she placed the spoon on the counter and brought her mug up her lips. But then she stopped midway and place the coffee mug back down again.

“Why are you doing this to me?” She said in a light, soft but demanding voice.

“What?” I said, probably looking confused at this point.

“Don’t start acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I know what you’ve been doing this whole time,” she replied. Her voice didn’t rise up, or lower. It just remained neutral, as if we were having a normal conversation.

As soon as the words came out of her mouth, I felt as if all the stress and all my mixed emotions that were beginning to take a toll on me had finally been lifted off my shoulders. I let out a smile- the smile I knew she loved so much as she turned around to face me. My face dropped, however, when I saw her face. Because of the room being dimly lit, I was only able to see about half of her face, but that was enough for me to see her features.

Wet streaks trailed down her cheeks, and her normal grey-blue eyes were shielded by the water of her tears. My eyebrows furrowed in concern and I took as step towards her as I lifted a hand up to brush her tears away, but she only slapped my hand away. I looked at her with wide eyes.

“Shantel, what’s going on?” I asked her, realizing that she hadn’t been talking about what I was thinking she meant. I moved in closer towards her as I attempted to reach for her again, but she backed away from me.

“Don’t you fucking touch me.”

What the fuck is going on?

“I’m so sick of all of this. And I can’t take it anymore!” Shantel said. A new round of fresh tears was beginning to flow down her cheeks. I wanted to comfort her, tell her everything is going to be alright, but I did not want to lie to her, considering the fact that I didn’t even know what she was talking about.

“Can’t take anymore of what?” I asked her.

“Of you, Brian!” She yelled. Her voice was bursting with anger and sadness, but there was more hurt in her voice than anything.

“Me?” I said in disbelief as I frowned. That hurt.

“Yes, you fucking idiot!” She screamed. Her words tipped me off.

“After everything I’ve done for you, you’re telling me that you can’t take being with me anymore?” I asked in a booming voice. I hadn’t meant to startle her, but my anger was starting to get a hold of me. “You’re saying that you don’t want to be with me anymore? Huh? Is that what you’re saying?” I yelled.

“Yes!” She cried angrily, her tears were still running. “I can’t handle being in a fucking relationship with you anymore! I might as well be fucking single since that’s how I have felt for the past two months! Do you have any fucking idea what you have put me through? Every fucking night, I wait up for you. I worry about you and then when you don’t come home, I think of the worst that could happen to you. Then some days you don’t come home. You don’t kiss me, you don’t touch me, for fuck’s sake, you barely even look or talk to me anymore. From what I’ve gathered in the past two months, it’s you who doesn’t want to be in a relationship!”

I stood there, taken completely surprise by her outburst. For two months she’s felt this way and she didn’t tell me.

“Why didn’t you say anything before?” I asked, my voice completely cut off of all emotion.

“I thought you were just going through something. I thought it was only going to be for a few days, and that being in the studio was stressing you out a bit. I was going to wait for you. I was going to wait it out for a bit, and see if your behavior changed back but it hasn’t. But just tell me something,” her voice was calmer now, but her face was still wet with tears.

A long pause and silence filled between us.

“Who is she?” She asked. She was staring straight into my eyes.

“Who is who?” I asked, unaware of who she was asking about. But then I realized. She must have heard me speaking on the phone earlier.

“Who the fuck are you calling, ‘babe’?” She asked; her voice was unsteadily rising.

"Yeah, I had a good time too, and thanks for tonight but I have to go. See you soon, babe. Bye." Shit. I couldn’t let her know what’s going on.

“Shantel, don’t act like this. I know how it sounds, but it’s really not what you think-” I began, but was cut off by her.

“I’m not fucking stupid! I can clearly see what’s going on. I’ve known for so long, and I was just waiting for you to either come clean or change your ways! I don’t deserve to be put in a position like this because I’ve been nothing but faithful and loyal to you-” She yelled, but this time, I cut her off.

“First of all,” I said in a loud voice, causing Shantel to jump. “Are you implying that I’ve been cheating on you? Because if you are, then you are fucking stupid, because I wouldn’t even think about doing that to you!”

“Oh, really? So what’s with the perfume? Why do I smell that shit on you every time you’re near me? I know it’s definitely not from me because I don’t wear that shit and even if I did, you’re rarely around me for it to rub off onto you!” She yelled; her face was so contorted with anger that I felt like I barely recognized her.

She had always been such a happy and blissful person that I rarely got to see her angry or upset, and when I did, it made me upset as well. But now, I was beyond upset, because I was the one causing this to her.

“You act like we aren’t together anymore,” she said in a soft, but shaky voice. “It seems like all I am to you is something you have to deal with. I know we weren’t like this before. We rarely fought and we rarely yelled at each other. But now we’re always at it. I mean, like I said before. You don’t even look at me like you want me anymore; like you don’t even love me. Hell, you don’t even say ‘I love you’ like how you used to say it to me. I didn’t want us to distant ourselves like this, but you made it like that. And I’m just so fucking sick of it, because I don’t want to wait around for you anymore. I waited for you for far too long, and the only thing I’m doing is hurting me even more. I want to be with someone who loves me, and you obviously aren’t that person.” She looked down at the titled floor and sniffed as she wiped her damp faces with her hand.

“Shantel-”

“It’s over, Brian. Just go. Go to the other girl. I actually don’t want to know who she is. But I’m done. I’m just done with this,” she said weakly.

“Shantel, you don’t understand though! Just give me some time, let me explain everything later!” I pleaded.

“No, explain everything now. Why have you been acting the way you’ve been?”

“I… I can’t. Not right now. I can’t tell you,” I told her. If I told her now, everything I had done and worked for would just blow up in my face.

“Just go, Brian!” She shouted, as she pointed at the front door. I didn’t make a move to leave, but that just made her even more upset. “LEAVE!”

I looked at her beautiful yet distraught face, as my jaw clenched and unclenched. I couldn’t believe that she would just end it like that without giving me some time explain. But right now, I obviously won’t be able to get her to understand anything at her state of mind, so I did what I was told.

I nodded my head at her sadly as my eyes trailed the ground as I walked out of the kitchen. I paused at the doorway, not bothering turning back to give her a glance.

“I do love you, Shantel.”

I opened the door, and stepped out.

Maybe she’ll listen later.