I'll Never Say I Love You

My finger traced around one of the smiley faces on the shoulder of his pyjamas. I had run away from discussing this earlier tonight, but there really wasn’t any way to avoid it now. The truth was that I was ashamed to answer the question. I was uncomfortable discussing the possibility of a relationship with him, with anybody for that matter. Lord knew I wanted him, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to have him.

“Tahara?” he prompted, looking down at my face. I tried to avoid his eyes.

‘This what?’ I signed, trying to stall. I had no idea what I was going to say.

“This...us,” he answered, shaking his hand between the two of us, his voice a surprisingly cute combination of frustrated and timid.

There was no getting around it now. Like Bec had said, there was the potential of this being now or never. But still, there were a few things I had to know.

‘Can I ask you a few questions before I answer that?’ I asked, sitting up.

Alex let his arm drop and then sat up as well, leaning against the bed head. “All right, but I get to ask you some as well,” he conceded.

I nodded my agreement to his condition. ‘You said that Kyle only fell in love with who I had become after I started seeing him.’

“Who he moulded you into,” he corrected.

‘Whatever. My question is; how do I know that you haven’t just fallen in love with that as well?

How can I be sure that you’re in love with the real me?’ I asked slowly, trying to word everything perfectly so that I didn’t offend him in any way.

Alex’s face fell a little bit. “Didn’t I tell you this the other day? I’ve loved you all along, Tahara.” He bit his lip nervously. “I guess I really only realised it when I had a real chance of losing you. I’ve always known that we’ve had some kind of connection that takes us up and above the level of friendship. Whenever I am separated from you for long periods of time, I pine for you, and I miss you so much it hurts. But I only realised it was love and that I wanted it when there was a chance of having it slip through my fingers.” He cupped my face in his hand, and I froze. “Before Kyle, before the curls and the red hair, I loved every little bit about you, and I still do. I love the way you blush at anything, like you are right now; your face is the colour of a tomato. I love the way you poke your tongue out just a little bit when you concentrate really hard. I love the fact that even though you don’t speak, you’re not afraid to give someone a piece of your mind. I love you.”

I held his hand in mine, smiling at him. He had squashed any doubt I had about the depth of his feelings for me, and for that I was grateful. I saw the smile not just on his lips, but in the gleam of his sapphire eyes, and returned it.

“My turn now,” Alex said. The smile faded slowly. “How can I be sure that I’m not just the rebound guy for you? How can I know that you’re not just with me because you needed someone, saw me and thought ‘Well, he’s not perfect, but he’ll do’?”

‘Well, my first defence is that you are perfect,’ I corrected him. He rolled his eyes at me. ‘No, seriously, you are,’ I insisted. I hesitated before embarking on my answer, knowing that it would be painful for me, at least. ‘I’m not sure if you remember this, but just after we started middle school, I told you that I wanted to be more than friends and you laughed it off, like I was just telling a joke.’ Alex winced, remembering, mirroring the pain I felt. I leaned towards him, wanting to take his hand in mine, but knowing that if I did then I wouldn’t be able to talk. ‘I loved you then, Alex, and I have never stopped loving you. Even with Kyle, there was a part of me screaming for you. I love you; I love every part of you. I want to be with you more than I’ve ever wanted anything else in my life.’

Alex looked stunned, to say the least. I had no idea why. Was he surprised at the depth of my feelings for him? Or was it a bad kind of stunned, where he didn’t like anything I had said? Nothing in his face gave it away, and that worried me. Normally I could read Alex like he was an open book.

Without any warning, he leaned forward and grabbed my face between his hands. He pulled me towards him and pushed himself towards me at the same time. Our lips crashed together in the middle. He kissed me hungrily, pushing our lips together as though he was scared I would disappear if they separated. His hands were cold on my face, but with his lips on mine, I didn’t care. Nothing else mattered.

Bec’s words played over in my head. What if I didn’t take this opportunity and it never came by again? What would I do? I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what might have been, did I?

Not a chance.

I met his passion and then added some, kissing him like it was the last time I ever could. I reached my right hand up to curl it around his neck, gripping the curls at the back of his head with enough force to show him how much I wanted him, but gentle enough so that I wouldn’t pain him. With my left hand, I pushed against his chest, forcing him to lean back on the bed head as I lay atop him. His hands left my face and his arms curled themselves around my waist, pulling me towards him, pressing our bodies together.

Suddenly, he pulled away from me. I opened my eyes to see how far away he was, and try to find his lips again, but I stopped when I saw his eyes staring into mine. I had never seen his eyes so alive, for lack of a better word. Instead of one giant, sparkling sapphire, they were now millions of tiny sapphires, shimmering at me.

“I love you, Tahara Melina Anderson,” he said, his breath raspy.

I crushed my lips on his again, pulling him as close to me as I possibly could in every way. Using the hand I had on the back of his head, I pulled his head closer to mine. Using the hand I had on his chest, I pulled him closer to me by the shirt. I even intertwined my legs with his, though I daresay that had no effect. The only thing going through my head was that I had him, and he had me, and I was going to make this the best I could.

Eventually, however, the kisses had to end. I was reluctant to pull away, but knew that if I didn’t, my lungs would probably shrivel up from a lack of air. I slid to the right of Alex, back onto my side of the bed. I lay as close to him as I could without lying on top of him completely. I still had my head on the left side of his chest, listening to his heartbeat pounding away. I had always thought my heart was the only one out of our hearts that went crazy like that whenever the other was near.

I had done it. I had taken the chance, and given Alex’s reaction as well as mine, there was not a chance in hell I was going to regret it, or wished I had done things differently. None of my kisses with Kyle had ever felt so right. There was passion, there was movement, and best of all, there was a connection. It was like there was an invisible ribbon, wrapping itself around and between us, forcing us together. It was the most glorious feeling I had ever experienced.

“Have I ever mentioned that you are the best kisser ever?” Alex asked innocently.

I pushed my head off his chest and rolled my eyes at him. ‘Amazingly enough, no. But that might, just might, have something to do with the fact that we only just had our third or so kiss,’ I answered, equally as sweetly.

“Then I’m going to have to ask again, to make up for not asking the first two or so times. Tahara, have I ever mentioned that you are the best kisser ever? Tahara, have I ever mentioned that you are the best kisser ever?”

I giggled at him. ‘How can someone so beautiful be so silly sometimes?’ I asked.

Alex feigned offence. “I’m far from silly. How dare you insult me in such a way?”

‘Because I can,’ I signed smugly, and lay down next to him once again.

Alex turned onto his right side, so that he was facing me. “Where do we stand now, Miss. Anderson?” he asked softly, twirling a strand of my hair around his finger.

I snickered. ‘In all honesty, Mr. Roberts, we lay right now,’ I corrected him.

Alex rolled his eyes at me. “Seriously, Tarie,” he said. He took my hands in his and gently kissed the insides of my wrists, sending pleasant shivers up and down my arms. “What are we now? Are we friends, are we friends with benefits, are we a couple...where do we stand to you, Tahara?”

I thought about it momentarily as he released my hands, but I knew what my answer was as soon as he asked the question, and it delighted me to be able to say it – per se – after all these years. ‘We are a couple,’ I signed happily.

Alex breathed a sigh of relief. “It’s about time,” he said, obviously delighted. “I can’t wait to go to school tomorrow, and introduce you to everyone as my girlfriend!”

He looked at me, gauging my reaction. ‘It’s all I’ve wanted for years, don’t worry about me,’ I signed, grinning.

Alex smiled back at me, my favourite smile, and I felt my breath catch in my throat momentarily. I wondered if now that the thrill of the chase was gone, whether he would always have the same effect on me.

“We need to go to sleep, or else we are going to be walking zombies in our classes tomorrow,” Alex said, stifling a yawn. He snuggled into the pillows, closing his eyes and smiling at me all the while. “Goodnight, Tahara. I love you.”

In that instant, I was overcome with an urge I had not had for ten years. I tried to suppress it, but every time I did, it rose to the surface stronger than before. After a moment of fighting against it, I knew it was the right thing to do. This was probably the only way of showing Alex exactly how deep my love for him ran. It was the perfect way to tell him that I needed him more than I needed oxygen, more than a cocaine addict needed that one last hit before he gave it up. I felt it rise up my throat, and I knew I couldn’t fight it anymore.

“I love you, Alex,” I said softly, my voice barely more than a whisper.

Never before in my life have I wanted my camera more than what I did when I saw Alex’s face. His eyes snapped upon and immediately found mine, as I was already looking at his closed eyelids. His mouth shaped itself into an ‘o’ of shock. I could see the shock in his eyes as well. He looked at me with this expression, motionless, for around a minute, and I began to wonder if I had done something wrong. Had my voice sounded bad? I had been too busy focusing on the actual act of speaking to worry about listening to my voice, to hear what it had sounded like. I could scarcely remember what my young voice had sounded like enough to even take a stab at what my voice would have sounded like now. Was it too high-pitched? Was it too deep? Was it too scratchy? Did I sound like one of his ex-girlfriends? Did I mumble?

“Tahara, what did you...did you...what?” he asked, sounding confused. He shook his head. “I have to be dreaming. I could have sworn that I heard you talking, Tahara.”

“I love you, Alex,” I repeated, a little more boldly this time. I really listened to the sound of my voice this time, and was surprised at how unforced it sounded, like when deaf people speak. It didn’t sound normal, but it didn’t sound completely horrible either.

This time, Alex seemed to believe what he was hearing. He took my face in his hands and stared at me. “That is the best thing I have ever heard,” he whispered, and I could tell he meant it. I blushed furiously. “I want to hear you say it again” – he kissed me quickly, but still passionately – “and again” – another kiss – “and again and again and again,” he finished, kissing me after each time he said the word ‘again’.

‘Alex,’ I signed, embarrassed.

Alex frowned. “No more talking?” he asked, upset.

I shook my head. ‘No...at least not for now. I just felt an urge to speak and I did, to show you how much I care.’

Alex kissed my forehead. “It’s the best thing anyone has ever given me,” he said. “Your voice is so different to what I remember.”

‘Well, it has been ten years,’ I reminded him. I let my hand trail over his stomach area, trying not to drool over his abs.

“I know that,” Alex said sharply.

Sadly, my hand left his stomach. ‘Maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll hear it again one day,’ I signed. ‘For now, though, goodnight and sweet dreams.’

I reached over and turned off the lamp. Once we were plunged into the darkness again, I rested my head on his shoulder and draped my arm across his chest, just as I had before. His arms were wrapped around me, holding me close even as he drifted off to sleep. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I watched his face carefully. It was calm and relaxed, as it normally was when he slept, but there was something different about it tonight. There was a certain aura of contentment around it. I had never noticed anything missing before, but looking back in retrospect, his face looked different, sadder.

I snuggled against him and smiled. I thought about the fantasy I had always entertained for the two of us. I didn’t have my white leather couch, my sappy romantic films, or my car ride into the sunset, but we were falling asleep in one another’s arms. That was a good enough start for me.