We're Damned

I didn’t even hear the front door jingle or her voice as she ordered. I was just shocked when she slipped into the seat across from me, sipping from her cup as she did. She was still beautiful. Her big blue eyes were lined with thick, black eyeliner and her long eyelashes were curled perfectly. She’d cut her hair since the last time I’d seen her. It barely touched her shoulders and her bangs gently swept over to the side. She’d kept it her natural, dark brown color but I noticed a few strands were a light blue color. And then my eyes settled on her soft, pink lips that slowly curled up into a smile.

“Hey Jack,” her head tilted as she greeted me. Her hands clutched her cup as it sat on the table. “How are you doing?” It never failed to amaze me. Everything about her, even her voice, was sweet. It was like she had this thing about her that just lured you in. She didn’t even have to try.

But I knew better. “I’m okay, Shelly. How are you?” My tone was guarded and so was my answer. She frowned a little as she picked up on it and her eyebrows creased together.

“I’m doing great,” with that, she returned to her usual self. The corners of her mouth inched upward and her eyes glittered. “How’s the rest of the band doing?”

I sighed and looked down at my black coffee. I hadn’t even touched it since I’d arrived. “What did you call me for, Shell?” I didn’t bother answering her question. It wasn’t why she was here, and we both knew it.

“I just,” she started in a defensive tone and then stopped. Her face puckered again for two seconds and then she sighed, letting her face go blank. “I miss you.” She muttered it so low I almost didn’t hear it.

“No, you don’t.” It came out passive and she looked hurt by it. I wasn’t bitter anymore, but I also wasn’t going to fall for her shit again.

“Yes, I do. I miss us, Jack.” She pleaded with her voice and let go of her cup to reach her hands toward mine. I slowly pulled mine back before she could grab them. More hurt flashed across her face. “Can’t we put this behind us like adults?”

“Maybe if you were an adult,” I regretted it as it rolled off my tongue. It was harsher than I’d meant and I wavered a bit in my stand as she pulled her hands back. Her eyes seemed to water just the tiniest. I sighed. “We tried putting this behind us the first time, remember? And then you just did it again.” I shook my head and pressed my lips together.

“I’m sorry Jack,” she whispered and I could hear it. The way her voice wavered meant her eyes were watering and it was only a few minutes before the water overflowed.

“Sorry doesn’t just fix things anymore.” I shook my head.


“How could you, Shelly?!” I yelled, my face going red. There were so many emotions running through me but I converted them all to anger. It just seemed easier that way.

“Calm down Jack!”She yelled back at me, just as angry. I stumbled on disbelief as I stared at her.She cheated onme. How did that give her the right to be angry?

“Fuck that! I am not going to be calm! You’re MY girlfriend and you had SEX with some fucking stranger! I have a fucking right to be upset, god damn it!” I shouted and punched the wall. Everything was so pent up inside, I had to let it out before I exploded. Or that’s how I feel.

“Ugh, I told you it was an accident. I was drunk and you were on tour and I was angry at you for being gone all the time. It meant nothing and I’m sorry.” She spoke like it wasn’t a big deal. It was just a small bump in the road.

“You being drunk is not an excuse!” I threw my hands out at her, exasperated. It was like she wasn’t even listening to me.

“It doesn’t matter because it’s not going to happen again.” She shrugged and walked off to our bedroom. My mouth dropped open as she left. I couldn’t wrap my head around how she was just simply blowing this off. I know for a fact if our roles were switched, and I had been the one cheating, things would have been being thrown at me.

“How can you do that?” I asked and followed her to the bedroom. She was already slipping on her silky nightgown, my favorite one. I groaned inwardly, knowing she put that one on on purpose.

“Do what?” Again with that nonchalant, I-don’t-care tone.

“Act like it doesn’t matter!”I sighed with frustration as she climbed onto our bed. Her eyebrows scrunched together and her lips puckered perfectly.

“I’m pretty sure I just said it didn’t matter. That might be why I’m acting like itdoesn’t matter.”

“You’re fucking insane.” I ran my hands through my hair and down my face. She giggled as she pulled the covers over her.

“What else is new?” I stared at her, trying to figure out how she could joke and tease now. It was truly like nothing happened.

“I don’t know what to do.” I shook my head and sat on the bed. I felt the bed shift and then her arms were around my shoulders. Her lips lightly brushed against the weak spot at the base of my neck. She couldn’t possible thinking aboutthat right now. Could she?

“I’m sorry.” She whispered. The sincerity in her voice was what did it. She looked adorable before, but with that honesty in her voice, I couldn’t stay mad. After all, she did drink a lot that night, and once she’s hit her limit, rationality goes out the window.

“I know.” It came out low and begrudgingly. She squeezed me and left a light kiss on the tender spot before she pulled away from me. I turned my head to watch her crawl back under the covers and lay her head down on the pillow. She smiled at me, a sweet, lovely smile. I kicked my shoes and pants off before getting beside her. It just felt right to wrap my arms around her and feel her smooth legs wrap around me. She rested her head on my chest and gave a contented sigh.

“I love you.” She whispered again. The three words she hardly said, but I couldn’t say enough. I sighed and softly started to rub her back.

“Don’t do it to me again.” It was all I could say.

“Promise.”

“So that’s it?” She said after a long pause. Her lips were in a firm line and her eyes were narrowed. Her mood swings could give anybody whip lash, but I was accustomed to them.

“What’s it?” I sighed and finally picked up my coffee. I took a swallow and hid the grimace as the bitterness attacked my tongue.

“After three years, we’re done?” My bitter coffee was nothing compared to her bitter tone. I sat my cup down and stared at it.

“Technically we haven’t been together for the past three months.” I thought about the past three months. I’d been in L.A. recording for the new album and I’d been miserable at first. After lots of drinks and lots of talking with Alex, I’d decided not to let her get me down. That was hard, but eventually I did it. I found the pattern.

“What does that have to do with anything?” She tilted her head to the side and frowned.

“It means we were together for two and a half years. The last three months and the three months after you dumped me take a half year away from that.” My fingers grazed the sides of the cups as I spoke.

“Why are you always so particular?” She sighed and brought her elbows to the table, putting her head in her hands. There was a slight smile that itched its way on my face.

“Why do you always smooth things over?”I retorted and she glared up at me before turning her gaze to the table.

“You’re difficult.” She muttered and then sighed again. This time I laughed.

“I’m difficult?”

“Yes, you’re difficult.” She was brisk and slammed her hands down on the table. “You’re fucking difficult and I’m sick of it.”My mouth dropped open as the words repeated in my head.


“You’re fucking difficult and I’m sick of it!”Shelly’s voice pierced my ear through the phone. “I can’t do this anymore Jack. We’re over.” And then the phone clicked.

I threw the phone across the bus and rested my elbows on my knees. All I’d wanted was to talk to my lovely girlfriend and tell her how much I loved her and how much I missed her. Stupid idea? YES.

If only I’d known how frustrated she was with my touring. She’d acted fine when I’d left, fine whenever I called, just not tonight. Tonight she was at a party alone, which made me a little on edge. She’d done regretful things when she’d been drunk so was it really that bad that I called to check on her? I didn’t think so.

“What was the thud for?” Alex asked hesitantly as he strolled from the bunk area. The rest of the guys were in the back area, playing xbox like usual.

I dragged my hands over my face before I could look at him. “Shelly just broke up with me.” I said it like I didn’t believe it, mostly because I didn’t. I always figured I’d be the one to finally call this insanity quits, but she’d beat me to it. And it was my fault.

“I’m surprised she waited this long.” He muttered and then looked a little guilty as he snuck a glance at me.

“What does that mean?” I asked suspiciously as Alex tried to busy himself in the kitchen.

He failed with looking busy so he braced himself against the counter and stared at me hard. “I told you Shelly wasn’t the relationship type. She’s more into one night stands than I am, and even when she’s in a relationship she’s hardly faithful.” He was scaring me. I knew Shelly had a bit of a track record, but unfaithful? “She’s been different with you though!” He hurried out at the sight of my horror stricken expression. “As far as I know,” he admitted and scratched the back of his neck. “It’s just a little shocking.” He shrugged and gave me another uneasy look.

“Yeah, well, now it’s all over.” I tried burning a hole in the wall across from me. “You know, I was going to ask her to move in with me.” I shook my head and sighed.

“Oh,” Alex shifted in the kitchen, probably wondering what he could do to help. There wasn’t anything.

“Those plans are messed up now and she’s dressed up, ready to party.” I leaned back on the couch and thought bitterly. “Just like fucking always.”

“Maybe this is for the best, man. I mean, it’s not like you guys were going to get married and live happily ever after anyway. Maybe it’s better that you cut things off here.”

“Like hell.” I muttered and closed my eyes.

“I can’t believe you just said that.” I shook my head and chuckled. Surprisingly, these thoughts weren’t bringing me any pain. I’d already figured it out.

“Why? Because you’re fucking sick of me too?” She pouted with her hurt expression. It was because I laughed. She took my laugh to mean something else.

“No, Shell. Because it’s the same damn thing you said when you broke up with me.” I laughed again while she furrowed her eyebrows again, trying to recall the phone call.

Then she gave me a small smile and looked down at her cup. “I guess I did. I’d forgotten about it.” She giggled a little too. “You know I didn’t mean it then.” She looked back up with a sincere sorrowful look in her eyes.

“But I suppose you mean it now?” I didn’t bother telling her I knew.

Shelly sighed. “No, I don’t suppose I mean it now either.” Her eyes darted up to mine. “You just frustrate me sometimes.”

“And you have no idea how much you frustrate me.” I laughed again and her twinkling eyes lit up. “But I have solved the riddle of you and me.”

“We were a riddle?” She arched both eyebrows and her eyes widened with curiosity. “And how’d you solve it?”

“Yes, we are a riddle. You break me, I break you. It seems to be the way we work.” I shrugged and she tilted her head again, in that adorable way that’s irresistible.

“How on earth do I break you?” She was pulling back into herself, trying to pretend to be innocent and sweet. It wouldn’t work though.

“You dumped me, you cheated on me, and you’ve lied to me.” I counted them off and her sweet façade dropped.

“No need to be so blunt.” She muttered and frowned, gazing off into the distance.

“And then I break you in return.” I continued and she quickly glanced at me from the corner of her eye. “I trust you, I love you, and I treat you like a princess.” I grinned as she turned her full gaze to me.

“How is that breaking me?” She questioned, replaying my reasons in her head.

“You don’t think you deserve it.” I watched her open her mouth and then close it. She couldn’t retaliate, even if she wanted to. “You said so the night I asked you to be mine. Somehow you’ve got it into that pretty little head of yours that you deserve to be lied to and cheated on, and I don’t do either of those things. So, because you think I deserve better, you push me away.”

She was speechless, like I’d hoped. It meant I could continue without her interrupting and ruining things. “Something told me to leave when I found out you cheated on me, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.”

“Then why’d you leave this time? What was different?” She probed, tears brimming her eyes again.

“And you know what else I realized?” I ignored her questions and she looked desperate for the answers. “I’m damned if I do ya, and damned if I don’t. Either way, I get hurt and you get hurt.”

“Damned is a little harsh, isn’t it?” I ignored her comment.

“We fell in love when we were young and we were stupid. I think it’s time we separate and grow up. Then maybe we can try this again.” I suggested and watched as a tear fell down her cheek. I bit my bottom lip to keep from leaning over and wiping it away. She wasn’t mine anymore. I sighed as I realized she was never really mine.

“Why can’t we try it now?”

“Because it’s not going to work,” I shook my head and she huffed.

“But how do you know that?”

“Think, Shell. We repeat the same mistakes over and over.” She paused, probably fast forwarding through our relationship.

“So, we’re done.” She spoke softly as her head dropped. “For good.” I sighed and slowly reached over to grab her hands in both of mine.

“In a year, I’m going to come find you. I don’t care if I have to knock on every door in fucking Maryland till I find somebody who knows where you are. I’ll find you. And then we’ll start over.” I shrugged and she smiled a little.

“I guess that doesn’t sound too bad.” She bit her bottom lip and turned her hands over to squeeze mine. “I am going to miss you though.”

“I’ll miss you too.”

“And I guess I’m going to have to work on myself a lot between now and next year,” she giggled lightly and grabbed her purse. “That way I can impress you.” She smiled and then hesitated before she stood up, picking her coffee up in the process.

“You’ll impress me no matter what.” I chuckled and grabbed my own cup full of coffee, standing up beside her. We both slowly walked to the door, throwing our cups into the trash.

I didn’t want her to leave, and I had a feeling she didn’t want me to leave either. We stood there on the sidewalk, in front of the coffee shop doors, just staring at each other.

“Till next year, I guess.” She smiled meekly and tilted her head back.

“I love you, Shelly Ann Gaskarth.” I grinned and bent down to gently kiss her forehead.

“I love you too, Jack.” I smiled as she frowned. I guessed she didn’t remember my middle name and now she was cursing inside her head.

“Good bye Shelly.” I turned, figuring it’s best to just cut the cords and run. I could have stood there all day, and the next, and the next, and so on. As I walked, I stuffed my hands in my pockets and I could feel her eyes on my back.

“Hey Jack!” She yelled and the grin plastered to my face as I turned around, slowly walking backwards. She was smiling too. “You really think we’re damned?”

“For now.”