Losing Touch

Home, should I really call this place home again? The say “Home is where the heart is” and this is not where my heart was, so could I really call it home? My heart was back in Arizona, but I had to come back to this house that Olivia and I owned because of the location of my chemo treatments.

I was wondering if John was okay. But who I am I trying to fool? Deep down, I knew he was a mess and that I caused. After thinking, I realized how idiotic I had been. But I needed John to see how I serious I was about him and his music. But it’s too late now. I’m packing a small bag for the hospital before we leave in a few hours.

I let exhaled an unsteady breath as I zipped up my bag full of necessities. I sat down on my bed, picked up my phone, and turned it on. I left it off since I boarded the plane five days ago. Liv kept trying to get me to turn it back on because Kennedy had called her and asked her to ask me - but I refused. But since I was going in for chemo today, I figured I should check it now and talk to my brother.

I set my phone down as I started to receive text message, missed call, and voicemail alerts. As the number kept climbing, my eyes started to water. I really messed up. And I knew that John thought he was the one who really fucked up. But he’s not - I messed up by leaving.

After my phone had finally gotten through all of the messages from the last few days, I decided to skim through all eighty-seven texts; sixty-two missed calls, and listen to the thirty-three voicemails.

I picked it up to see that the majority of the texts were from John. The tears that had already pooled in my eyes were threatening to fall at any second. I didn’t thoroughly read them, but one made me stop and stare at it for a moment.

I love you. Zoe Marie O’Callaghan, I love you. I’m so angry with myself right now. But I could never be mad at you. But don’t leave me while I’m gone please.

The tears finally fell and I felt horrible because I could just imagine the pain on his face and in his voice every time he spoke now. I am sure that the guys had to comfort him for the longest time, and they probably still do. And I knew exactly what he meant by “But don’t leave me while I’m gone please.” I was petrified that I would die from this. And to get the thought that I could’ve pushed John away for the last time possible just made the sobs come louder and harder.

I soon felt like the room was closing in on me and I felt like there was no oxygen left. Soon enough, I got the familiar feeling of nausea. I stumbled into the bathroom and fell to the floor as the bile rose and fell into the toilet bowl. I felt like complete shit and seeing that message from John didn’t help me emotionally, mentally, or physically whatsoever.

“Zoe?” I heard Liv call. I just kept my head on my arm, which was resting on the rim of the bowl as she walked in. My eyes were red and I felt the tears fall at a steady pace. I took in some air as I felt like I could breathe a bit better. But I still felt like shit and my face made one last trip down to the bowl.

“Zoe, what happened?”

I inhaled sharply, “I checked m-my pho-phone and J-John tex-texted me and now I feel li-like a complete a-asshole.” I said unsteadily and with my lip quivering. Olivia helped me up, flushed the toilet, and embraced me tightly.

“Zoe, it’s not completely your fault you know. John also acted irrationally. I nodded my head into her shoulder. Then I pulled away. I wiped at my eyes, walked out to the kitchen, and grabbed a water bottle. I swished it around in my mouth a bit and spit out into the kitchen sink. I took another drink and then put the cap back on and set it down in the fridge.

“Liv, can you delete all the rest of John’s message please?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, or I’ll just cry carelessly and I’m really not up for any of that. Especially since I know this is my fault…”

Olivia did not feel like arguing with me, so she just walked off and into my room to delete his texts.

I sighed and slid down to the floor.

How could I be so stupid?

---

Olivia and I got to the hospital around one o’clock and for once I did not ask for fast food before starting treatment. I just got into the bed that I was uncomfortable but I was going to call mine for the next several days. I sighed and decided to call my brother before Dr. Schmitt came in.

“Zoe? How are you?” he immediately asked.

“Fine, I guess. I’m in the hospital for chemo, so… I guess I could be better?” My sentence came out more like a question rather than a statement.

“Well you sound like you’re holding up better than John…”

“Could we not talk about him? I already feel like complete shit for acting like a dick and leaving. I really fucked up Kenny, I am aware of that. I just acted on impulse and we both know where that lands me.”

He chuckled a bit. “You know, you too are a little too alike sometimes. You both acted upon your impulses. John shouted because it was what he first thought was right. And you left because you thought it was right. But I hope you can both see that you should’ve just thought.”

“I guess you’re right…”

“Aren’t I always?” he asked cockily, and then proceeded to laugh.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” I said and then started to laugh.

“Haha,” he said sarcastically, “that was really funny.”

“Okay, well I gotta go. Love you Ken.”

“Love you too Zo.” He sang and then I hung up my phone. I set it down and then closed my eyes and lay back.

I quickly picked up my phone, typed in a message, and pressed send.

John

I picked up my phone, since it vibrated. I opened it up and saw that it was from Zoe. I immediately smiled.

I pressed “view now” and saw what she said and I felt my heart soar.

I promise I won’t leave you.