Losing Touch

“Ready to go home?” John asked me.

I nodded and signed the last of my papers before we walked out of the hospital. I still couldn’t help but feel guilty for losing our baby, but I knew I would get over it in time. I smiled and entwined our fingers as we made it to Olivia’s car where her and my brother were waiting.

“Ready guys?”

“More than you would know.” I said and John laughed. I smacked his arm playfully as we crawled into the backseat and Liv drove off. The whole ride back home, I rested my head on John’s shoulder and he would repeatedly kiss my forehead. I know he was doing this to get the guilt off of my shoulders. I swear, he knew me too well sometimes.

Once we returned home I went and laid down on my bed, and John followed but was resting on the door frame. He smiled at me as I blushed. He laughed and slowly started to walk over to me. He stood above me and he leaned down for a kiss. But I quickly turned over with my face in a pillow as his face hit the bed.

I started laughing hysterically. John looked at me not so happily, but laughed anyway. I then moved over and kissed him on the lips.

“I’m sorry babe. I just couldn’t resist.” I said.

“I am aware.” he said and laid down next to me. He then wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and took in his scent. I knew that he would have to leave the next day, so I was savoring every single minute with John.

“I love you.” I whispered like it was a secret.

“I love you too.” he whispered back. I hugged him closer to me and I felt his happiness radiate off of him.

“I’m gonna miss you again.”

“And I’ll miss you. But I have to do my job, whether it means being away from you or not.”

“Thank goodness you learned that lesson.” I said chuckling. After that we fell into a comfortable silence. But soon enough, it was ruined by a knock on my door.

“Zoe?” I heard my brother say. I smiled at him and sat up. I hadn’t really been spending any time with him. I looked down at John who nodded his head because he understood and walked out of the room. I once again smiled at my older brother who came and sat down next to me.

As soon as he settled comfortably, I tackled him in a hug.

We both started laughing, because apparently when I was younger I used to do this also. “I missed you Ken.”

“I missed you too Zo.” he said and I pulled away. “So, what happened? No one actually told me. Liv wanted to let you tell me yourself.”

I sighed and pushed what was left of my once thick hair behind my ears. “Well… I was… IwaspregnantwithJohn’sbabybutIdidn’tknowsoIhadchemoanditdied.” I rushed.

“What?”

“I was pregnant and I didn’t know.” I said as I looked down at my sheets and messed with the corner.

I looked up to see the shocked face of my brother. “You were pregnant? I’m so sorry Zoe. I know how much you’ve always looked forward to having a baby. Especially with John.” he said and comforted me with a hug.

“I’ll get over it. I thought John would hate me for not realizing and then going through with chemo. But he understood I guess. He made me feel better. John told me he’d rather have me than possibly no one or the baby and not me.”

Kennedy nodded. “I get what he’s saying. I don’t know what all of us would do without you Zoe Marie.”

I nodded as tears started to well up in the corners of my eyes. Even though I could go into remission, I felt like it was near to impossible. So all I could think of was everyone not moving on after my death. I was feeling like my death would hold them all back, which is exactly what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to harbor their passion for music; I would be one of the most unhappy people ever.

“Zoe, why are you crying?”

“When I die, don’t let it hold you guys back. Please, just promise me that.” I said as the tears rolled down my cheeks.

“One, don’t talk like that. Two, if you do - I promise. It will affect me for a bit, but I’m sure that I can get back on my feet. I’m sure that Jared, Garrett, Pat, John, Morgan, Olivia, Roxanne, Sarah, and Nina would take some time off of whatever, but recover. And all of the other guys would too. It would be tough, but I think we all know you would hate it if you ‘got in the way of our passion’ as you always say.” I smiled and hugged my brother once again.

“Kennedy, do you guys really have to leave?” I asked.

“Okay, pick a damn side Zoe. Do you want us to make our fans happy or not?” he said and we both laughed.

I laid back down and pulled the covers up to my shoulders and looked at my big brother. “I love you Kennedy.”

“I love you too Zoe.” he said and I yawned as the lack of sleep finally hit me like a wave. “Now take a nap. I’ll get John in here.” he said before kissing my forehead like our dad used to and walking out of the room.

I closed my eyes and turned over my side as I waited. Only seconds later I felt the bed move and arms wrap around my waist.

John kissed my neck and I giggled lightly. “I heard what you said. Kennedy’s right. It would probably take me some time, but I would get back on my feet. I love you too much to not do what you want me to do. I would do anything for you. You know that, never doubt it.” he whispered and I felt his hot breath on my neck.

I started crying again. “Thanks John. You’re my best friend you know that?”

“I know. And you’re mine.” he said before kissing my exposed cheek. I felt my face flush before I slowly drifted to sleep.