Losing Touch

John

Kennedy and I got to Sacramento International Airport hours later and we needed to get a cab to take us to the hospital. Since we didn’t know which airport, I quickly dialed Olivia’s number. She informed us and we got a cab and he drove us there in seven minutes.

“Thanks.” Kennedy said and paid as I ran to the doors. I scurried to front desk where receptionists were sitting at their desks.

“Hello. Do you know where Zoe O’Callaghan is?”

“Yes sir. Are you related?”

“Yes, I’m her husband. I’m John O’Callaghan.” I said and then Kennedy walked up, “Oh, and this is her brother, Kennedy Brock.”

“Okay, she’s in room 526.”

“Thank you.” I said somewhat calmly as Kennedy and I walked back into the where the rooms were to go find where Zoe was. We wandered aimlessly for a little before finding room 520.

We kept walking down the hall until we found the one Zoe was occupying. We both looked at each other for reassurance and then I took a deep breath before opening the door to find Zoe curled up in the bed. She was awake, but she looked completely saddened. My heart panged as I started walking towards the bed.

“Zoe?” I asked quietly as Olivia and Kennedy backed out of the room for a little bit. “What happened?” I questioned as I laid down next to her.

“I’m so sorry John. I should’ve known…” she sobbed. I just laid next to her and wiped away her tears despite my complete confusion. “I just should’ve known! But I was too hung up on my idiot mistake! I’m so sorry!” she sobbed even louder now.

“Babe, what happened? Please, just tell me. I’m begging, just tell me. I won’t be mad.”

“Yes you will!” she said before she started to dry-heave after the tears stopped. She clenched my white V-neck and I rubbed her hospital-gown clad back.

“Please Zoe?” I pleaded.

“I had chemo, you know. But I didn’t see the signs. What is wrong with me?” I let her ramble on to get everything off her chest. “I-I just, I’m so dumb. John, will you ever hate me?”

“Never. Unless you murder me, which I very highly doubt.” I said to relieve a little of her sadness.

But it did just the opposite, and she started to cry again. “I’m so sorry, John. I was… I was p-p…” she trailed off.

“You were what?”

“…Pregnant.” I froze.

“But I thought I used a condom? No, I know I did.” I said.

“Must’ve broke.” she said with tears still in her eyes.

“It’s gonna be fine Zoe. I honestly thought you died. I still have you and you still have me, right?” I said, despite the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking of what would’ve happened if we did have a child.

Zoe would be a great mom, she had always planned on having at least one kid, and I always knew that I was going to be the father. When we were in high school, we would dream up what the perfect life would be for us. We both wanted to get a two story house in Arizona and we would have two kids and when I wasn’t on tour we would go on picnics all the time and drive to Southern California and go to Disneyland.

But now our plans had been thrown off course. Zoe had to stay in Northern California and I was traveling across the country. I was playing to thousands upon thousands of kids every month and Zoe was had chemo treatments.

“I love you John.” she said and I looked down at her as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

Quickly, I kissed her forehead. “I love you too.”

A few minutes of comfortable silence passed by as we just stared at each other. These were the moments I missed the most when I was out on tour. I missed Zoe’s touch, her smell, and everything about her. I missed her.

“John,” she said breaking the silence, “do you think we would’ve made good parents?”

“No.” I said and her face fell, “I think we would’ve made great parents.” I said honestly and she smiled.

“We could’ve had a little John Cornelius O’Callaghan the sixth or a little… a little…” she said trying to think.

“A little Jaye.” I said remembering one time she was talking about how she said she loved the name Jaye.

The thin line that was on her face disappeared, and a smile took over its place. “You remembered.” she said happily as she hugged me.

“How could I forget?” I laughed quietly.

“You know, you are the most amazing husband in the world.” she said.

“And did you know that you are the most amazing wife in the world?” I asked. She blushed slightly and then kissed my nose. I smiled and kissed her on the lips.

“I still feel horrible. Even though you say it’s okay, I can’t help but feel like I’ve taken something important to you…”

“Zoe, look at me.” I gently grabbed her chin and pulled her head up, “I would’ve loved to have a child with you - but I know that then I would’ve lost you. You would’ve had to stop chemo and heck! I might’ve lost both of you because you would’ve gotten so weak. As much as I would’ve loved that child, I would rather have you here with me.” I laughed a little, “I sound so selfish, don’t I?”

I heard her sniffle. “You’re not being selfish John. You’re being logical. Thank you.” she said and hugged me as tightly as her now thin arms could hug me. I squeezed her back, but gently as I feared that I would break her frail body. She snuggled into my arms and even put her head in between my shoulder and neck. I felt her inhale my scent, and I could tell that she had missed me immensely.

“I missed you too.” I said and she got even closer to me.

“How did you know?” she asked.

“I just know Zoe. Like you have said I have a ‘sixth sense’ for you.” I said and I felt the vibrations from her laughter on my chest. Then she yawned.

“Want me to sing?” I asked and I felt her nod.

“Okay. When I see your smile, tears run down my face, I can't replace, and now that I'm strong, I have figured out, how this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul, and I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one. I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever, I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, seasons are changing, and waves are crashing, and stars are falling all for us, days grow longer and nights grow shorter, I can show you I'll be the one. I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever, I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven. ‘Cause you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart, please don't throw that away, ‘cause I'm here for you, please don't walk away and, please tell me you'll stay, stay. Use me as you will, pull my strings just for a thrill, and I know I'll be okay, though my skies are turning gray. I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever, I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven.”

Before I even finished singing the song, Zoe had fallen to sleep. I kissed her forehead and wrapped my arms around her torso. She shifted in her sleep and cuddled as close to me as she could possibly be. I then saw her smile in her sleep, and I knew that I had made her feel better.

And in return, she made me happier just be being alive and not in the morgue.