Losing Touch

"So, how have you been Z?” Jared asked once they had all settled into the living room.

“As good as I can be, under the circumstances.” I said with a smile. Most of my family was here. All we needed was Sarah (Jared’s girlfriend), Roxanne (Pat’s girlfriend), Justin, Nick, Jess, Stephen, Josh, John G., and Brian. Then everyone would be back together again.

Jared nodded his head. “I’m hungry!” Garrett shouted. We all glared at him. “I’ll just go order pizza then…” he said and quickly made his way out of the room. “Wait!” he said stepping back in, “what’s the address again?”

Olivia quickly rattled off the house number and street and Garrett stepped back into the kitchen to order pizza. I didn’t really care what he ordered because I wouldn’t be able to eat it anyway. Nothing would taste good until next week.

I looked up at John as everyone else started to talk again. He looked down at me and smiled. What was I ever thinking? Why did I leave my loving husband, whom I love back? I felt like an idiot.

I started to feel my eyes sag again and so I tugged on John’s sleeve. He nodded his head and walked me back into my room.

Once we laid down, I turned in John’s arms so I was facing him. “Why do you still love me? I mean, I treated you like complete shit; I completely blocked you out of my life and yet you’re still here. Why?”

He looked shocked. “Zoe. I have known you for the majority of my life, and I’ve loved every second I’ve known you. Okay, minus the time when you were gone. But still, when I married you - that was the best day of my life. I couldn’t have asked for anything better. You’re my everything, Zoe. Every lyric is fueled by you, I wake up everyday because of you, I fall asleep after I think of you, and every thing I do is for you.

“You’re mine, and no one can change that. You’ll always be mine and I’ll always be yours. This cancer could take you away from me, and I’ll still do everything for you. Every song will still be about you, every action will be for you, and I’ll still wake up and think of you and fall asleep after thinking of you. Nothing will ever change that because you’ve changed me. And I love you for it. Every single second.”

After he said ‘You’re my everything, Zoe.’ I had started to cry. I hugged him tight and cried lightly into his shirt. “I love you John. I don’t really know what I was thinking anymore. Why did I do that!? I just lost over half a year with you! Why’d you forgive me? I love you and all, but why? I’m worthless! I’m nothing now! This fucking disease is eating me away!” I started sobbing.

“Zoe!” he said sternly, “You are not nothing! You are not worthless! This disease may be killing you, but you can beat it nonetheless. People do it all the time! And why did I forgive you? Didn’t I just make that clear Zoe Marie? You mean absolutely everything to me. That will never change.”

I looked up at him. He looked hurt. I always fuck up. “I’m sorry John. I always manage to fuck up don’t I? What is wr-”

“Don’t you even finish that sentence Zoe Marie O’Callaghan.”

“Okay…” I said like a little girl.

He closed his eyes and sighed. “Nothing is wrong with you. You’re perfectly normal, Zoe. You should know that. We’ve all fucked up big time at least once in our lives. I mean, I have. But do we really have to go over that again?” He sighed, he knew what he had done was completely stupid.

“No, we do not have to review your whole ‘I love alcohol more than my girlfriend’ phase. That pissed me off beyond belief.”

“I know, and I really don’t even know what I was doing at that point. I think some sort of stress just hit me. And I figured alcohol was my only solution. And the alcohol made me oblivious to the fact that I was letting you slip through my fingers. And you think I’ve would’ve learned at least a little something from health class…” he and I chuckled.

I quickly pecked him on the lips and he smiled after I pulled away.

“You have no idea how much I missed just that.” I looked down, but soon after John lifted my chin up. “Stop this. There is no reason for you to be so sad. I’m here, you’re here, and all of your best friends are here. Everything is good right now.

“Surrounded by familiar faces, the people that you love to see, where everybody knows your name, and they're smiling, we may not be gettin' younger, our days might be slippin' away, yeah we're still so fucking young, so we'll party like it's our last day, and for the first time, I feel less alone, and for the first time, I can call this home.”

I started crying once again, but from realizing how right John was. I had basically all of my best friends here to see me, and I wasn’t even appreciating it. I hugged John tightly and he kissed the top of my head. I sniffled a bit and pulled away.

“Thanks John. I love you.”

“I love you too. Want more?”

“Mmmhmm.” I said enthusiastically.

“Okay. If you feel something’s wrong here, then speak up or just shut your mouth. ‘Cause all I see is hatred and anger it looks like the town is headed south. So, climb up to the highest mountain and look at all the destruction below. Step away from the fucking mirror and take a look outside your window. Let’s start the revolution, let’s start the revolution, let’s start the revolution, open your eyes, you’re blind - you cannot see. Let’s start the revolution, open your eyes, you’re blind- you cannot see. So, just open your eyes, we’re all so blind sometimes. And start making a scene. Stop living like blank machines. Your words and your actions, well they’re just not the same; we need to find some way to make a change. Let’s start the revolution, let’s start the revolution, let’s start the revolution, open your eyes, you’re blind, you cannot see. Let’s start the revolution, let’s start the revolution, let’s start the revolution, open your eyes, you’re blind, you cannot see.” he sang. I just smiled, our relationship has always been like this. Lying in bed while John sang for me. He’d almost always choose the song, and it always fit in perfectly with what was happening around us.

He had always known me so well. Ever since we met when I was five and when he was six, he had known what I was thinking or how I was feeling. It was like a sixth sense to him. He could tell when something was wrong; he could tell when something had gone right, and when I was just feeling ‘blah’ for the day.

But he always made me feel even better than I had been for the day.

There’s a reason we’re Mr. and Mrs. O’Callaghan.