One More Night, Before It All Ends

I love you.

Those were Joey’s last words to me, before he left. I still hate myself for my reaction to him telling me he was going away to the army. All I thought at that time, fear more than anything, was that he’d be killed and never returned home. I should’ve done more than just fret over him going to basic to learn and be prepared for the dying and fighting. But what did I do? I worried and found no pleasure in that time we had, which his leaving even more unbearable.

God, it seemed to long ago when he told me. But it wasn’t so long ago at all was it?

"Baby, promise me you won't freak out or get really upset when I tell you something?"

I knew that tone of his and nothing he was going to say was going to keep me from getting angry, or crying. With a sigh, I let prepared myself for the fit that would come afterwards, "Do I even want to know Joey?"

"Well, I don't know if you want to, but I think you would be upset if I randomly disappeared and you didn't know why," he said pulling me into his lap.

He's going to leave me and Ellie, he's' finally had enough. I should’ve known, I thought to myself. Holding back the immense amount of emotions that made me want to crumble, I hadn’t been ready for this one. Responding as neutral as possible, I asked, "Are you planning on leaving us?"

"No, well not like how you think. I'm just going to be away for a while. You are upset, I didn't mean to upset you," Joey said pulling me closer. "I love you and Ellie both so much, I would never just leave you two like how you meant. You guys are stuck with me forever."

The tears I had been holding back began falling down my cheeks and nothing he could say could make them stop. The thought of being without him was dreadful. He, aside from Ellie, was my life. All I had left. "If I'm stuck with you, then where are you going and why?" I whined.

"Don't cry please," he said, frowning and wiping away my tears. "The why part, well, because I want to help our country. The where, you can probably guess."

A whole new wave of feelings snapped me from my crying fit, well some of it. Pushing myself away from him, I had to get up from the couch we had once been leisurely sitting and enjoying each other’s company. Pacing around the small space of the living room in our apartment, I began tugging at the ends of my hair, knowingly ripping strands out... "And what about your family, me, our daughter, do they matter? What will I tell her when you get killed in that damn war or did you not think about that?" I spat at him.

"Elizabeth, calm down please, I'm not going to get killed," he said and I could tell he was searching for something to do or say to make me okay. But it wasn’t ever going to ever be okay with me. I didn’t want to be with a soldier, I wanted to be with Joey.

Had Ellie not walked into the living room, rubbing her eyes and still looking as tired and annoyed, I'd obviously awoken her from her nap, I wouldn’t said some choice words to him. Her tiny little lips stuck out in a ridiculously cute pout.

"Did Mama wake you?" I asked as she stood in the doorway between the hall and the living room. Nodding her head, I sighed. "I'm sorry. If you're still tired, then I'll be sure to be quiet. If not Daddy will spank me will that make you happy?”

Nodding, she groggily turned around and walked back to her room, I waited a bit before turning back to Joey.

"How are you so certain that you'll come back in one piece and not messed up like those other soldiers? How long have you been thinking about this Joey?" I hissed in a whisper.

"Because I will do everything in my power to stay perfectly fine for you and Ellie, I've been thinking about it for a while” Joey said and then got up and stood behind me. Wrapping his arms around me, he said, "Elizabeth just trust me, I will be fine."

Taking a moment to just enjoy his touch and being so near and tangible, I couldn’t hold back stop myself from feeling dismal. The tears started back up falling effortlessly. "I want to, I really want to believe you'll be fine, but...how can I when its fight after fight now-a-days?"

“Because I am unkillable or else I would be dead by now. What guy wouldn’t kill to be with you?” he asked smiling at me, obviously trying to get me to smile.

Rolling my eyes, I turned around to look at him. For his age, he still had a boyish look to him and it was just one of the many things I loved about him. But his eyes held a kind of wisdom most didn’t carry so young. Taking his face in my hands, I stared into his eyes. "I'd do anything to make you stay."

“Like what? I’m quite curious what you would do to make me stay."

"Anything you want," I moved closer to him to emphasize the point, "and I do mean anything,” I emphasized with a husky voice .Was it wrong what I was doing, immoral? Probably. But I would’ve given and done anything for him not to be forced into a no-win situation and just say with me.

He kissed me and said, “How about you smile or laugh instead of being sad?”

"How can I not be sad Joey?"

"Because Ellie and I don't like you sad."

Sighing, I let myself fall into him, using him as the only thing holding me up. My hands were clutching him around the waist and my fingers digging into his back, he was the solid force keeping me grounded. With great effort, I looked up at him and gave him the most convincing smile I could conjure up.

Joey smiled. “You know you are really cute, right?”

Giggling, I leaned up and lightly kissed him.

He kissed me back and then asked, “Guess what?”

"What?"

”I love you,” he said with a big smile on his face and kissed me once more.

Kissing him back, I tried to push all the negative thoughts away and just enjoy this time we had together, but it just didn't seem to work. When I closed my eyes, all I could see was him body in a coffin draped by the American flag.

"Is there anything I can do to make you happy right now?"

"You won't be able to do it," I responded honestly with my lips now forming a pout.

"And whys that?" he questioned.

"I'm only happy with you here. And I know you won't be happy with just me and I'd be selfish to force you to stay." Not that I didn’t deserve some selfishness when it came to keeping us together and Ellie with the only father she’d know.

"Oh," Joey said, obviously not sure what else to say. "I'm sorry," he added.

Pulling myself away from him, I needed to clear my head. "I'm going to go lay down and rest, okay? We can talk later."

He kissed my forehead and replied, "Okay."

Going into the bedroom, I shut the door lightly and just cried silent, burning tears.

Joey was, is, my world. He saved me and cared for when I was alone. Being left high and dry when pregnant isn’t easy and Joey made it so much better for me. Never once did he make me feel like Ellie’s father had, never once had he looked at Ellie like she wasn’t his own. Joseph’s a good man and I love that about him. For the past three years, we’ve had a good thing and optimism isn’t easy when putting a life on the line.

Putting on my best face, I left the bathroom where I’d been contemplating and crying, to rejoin my best friend Alexis and my darling child. Alexis had been staying over since Joey shipped out, supporting me in immeasurable ways, reassuring me that I’d feel better and stop blaming myself for this and that I’d eventually find some kind of solace in his commendable decision.

Plastering the plastic grin on, it didn’t have too long for the fake grin to become real once I saw my darling. Her rich black hair was the same color as mine, her skin bronze, and face flushed from all the running she was doing around the living room. Even though she wasn’t Joeys, I couldn’t help but notice all the little features—mostly in her personality and some of the looks—she had that could only be traced back to him.

“Mama, Daddy’s on the phone,” she said excitedly in the cutest way imaginable.

Running up with my cell in hand, my heart began to race. It felt like years since I’d heard his voice. Putting the thing to my ear, I inhale and felt the butterflies’ flutter. “Joey, how’s basic going? You make any friends? Are you good?” I asked in a rush, totally unprepared to hear his familiar luscious voice that was like a purr in my ear every time I heard him speak.

God, saying I missed him was a complete and total understatement.