Totally Not Average

Tell me, did you ever think tragedy would strike in your life? Because in mine it had, but not that I was complaining. This is a diary, of some sorts. My life used to be a tragedy, now it was... I don't know. But I don't want to think of it as something bad, because honestly? I'm grateful for my life.

My mom died from brain cancer when I was starting high school, and I was there for the worst of it. I saw my Mom from healthy, to sick, to totally dying. It was a heartbreaking experience, but the way I look at it: My Mom was her best in those moments.

I think because she truly understood what was happening, that she was going to die, and she wanted to make the best of it with her two daughters and husband. Now your thinking about a sister? Well, my sister's up there with my Mom. Drunk driving has never caused this family a problem, until my sister got too overwhelmed with Mom's death.

This just caused everyone to give me "That Look," the one I loathed so much. They had nothing to pity me for, I didn't want their pity. I wanted to be normal, I wanted a mother, and I wanted an older sister.

But, as I had learned the hard way; you couldn't always get whatever you wanted. So I learned to deal with not having someone wake me up in the mornings, not hearing the usual complaining from my sister's bedroom when she was having a bad hair day, or my Mom's humming when she was in a good mood; which was almost everyday.

Dad, I think, took all of this, the hardest. He blamed himself, because he hadn't taken Mom to get her checked out sooner, and that he hadn't been paying close attention to his kids when grief struck home. He stayed locked in his room for days at a time, barely eating and barely saying anything. I think when a month passed; the exact date of her death is when he really snapped out of it. He came back, trying to be the same Dad as before, but something was missing.

The complaints, the humming, the comments, and everything else was missing. You wouldn't think that you would miss something that used to annoy you so much, but when you didn't hear it; your heart ached for that sound, so it could fill your black, empty void of a heart.

Okay, enough of this, I'm over my Mom's death, and my sister's. But I didn't cry, no. I was just...shell-shocked. I didn't say anything; but I didn't everything else like there was a robot in my place. I didn't feel, didn't think, didn't process. The days just passed and passed, until, finally, the old me (or the new and improved me) emerged; shining all this popularity on everyone and anything.

---

School, school, school...it droned on and on, and I was getting bored of it. Nothing was sinking in; not when my thoughts were focused on something much more important. Tricia, Sage, and Zach. Without knowing, Sage and Zach had dragged Tricia and me into their little 'personal' war. It was ridiculous really, because they wouldn't face their own feelings.

The bell rang and I was grateful for the escape; it was now lunch. But instead of heading over to the lunch room, I headed the opposite way; it the Quad. I didn’t know why I chose that path, but I just knew that I didn’t want to see Tricia, Sage, or Zach; at all.

I opened the doors and felt the fresh air wrap around me. It was a good, almost-autumn day. Here in this town, autumn came later because it was really hot. You could only feel the cold draft late November near Thanksgiving.

I walked down the steps and found a tree to sit under, so I was covered by the shade. Birds chirped around me and I smiled up at the sky, feeling happy. I was stuck with a song in my head, so since there was no one here, I started to sing:

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hurt you, now I can’t stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

I liked the song because it was different from your typical love song. This one shows how the girl loves the guy, but because she knows how much she’s holding him back, she leaves.

It’s really romantic, but sad. I leaned my head against the tree bark, closing my eyes to just let go. I needed to de-stress; to forget about my problems for a while.

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go…

I sang softly, those two lines were imprinted in my mind, leaving a mark behind. The school bell rang so without another thought, I got up and started walking away.

At the corner of my eye I could just make out a dark shape on the other side of the tree, but I wasn’t too sure, so I just kept walking.

---

My stomach growled and I fought the urge to bang my head on the desk…again. Every single day, my classes pass by quickly, but the day I’m extremely hungry and want class to end, time tortures me by making it pass slowly.

The door opened and in walked…who other than? Alex Gaskarth.

I rolled my eyes at the wink he gave me and continued staring at the clock. Twenty minutes, twenty minutes. In twenty minutes I would be able to get in my car, drive away and eat at a buffet place.

And Yeah, I’m that hungry.

“Amanda Collins?” My teacher called.

I looked at my teacher and she waved me up, “You have early dismissal today.”

I nodded and tried to contain my smile; things were working out for me today. I almost ran back to my seat and got my books, before heading out the door with Alex.

I stopped by at my lockers to dispose of the unnecessary books and to get my necessary books. After I finished that, I walked out the school doors and into the parking lot, idly aware of Alex following me.

“What are you doing?” I asked, spinning around to face him.

He smirked, “Who do you think got you out of class earlier?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

I opened my mouth to say something but closed it. He was right. “Why?” I asked, putting my hands on my hips.

“Because, I saw that you didn’t eat lunch and you must’ve been hungry.” Alex explained.

I raised an eyebrow, “Why do you care if I go hungry or not?” I must’ve sounded childish, but I didn’t care.

“Jesus Christ, just get in the car, will you?” He steered me towards his car, but I spun around to face him again.

“What about my car?” I asked, cocking my head to the side.

“Look, Mandy, I’ll get your car later, do you want to eat or not?” He looked so impatient, so frustrated, I wanted to laugh.

But my stomach felt like disagreeing with me again, so it growled. I glared at nothing in particular. “Let’s go eat.” I mumbled, giving up.

Alex grinned and we both got in his car. I put on my seatbelt and turned on the radio, putting it on my favorite station. Surprisingly, the song I was singing earlier was playing.

It started with a perfect kiss, then
We could feel the poison set in.
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive.
You know that I love you so,
I love you enough to let you go.

I sang along softly, gazing out the window. Alex was taking me somewhere to eat, so I was as happy as a clam. He parked the car and we both got out, and I saw that we were at a buffet. I gazed at Alex curiously; did I say my thoughts out loud? Or was he a mind reader?

Alex opened the door and held it open for me, so I went in, immediately smelling the food. My stomach growled again and I was practically jumping up and down to be able to go and eat.

“Table for two.” Alex muttered to the hostess.

The girl was staring at him though, practically drooling. It pissed me off, because I wanted to eat.

“Stop staring, it’s rude.” I pointed out, enjoying satisfaction when she blinked, blushed, and led us to our table.

He put a hand on the small of my back and leaned in so his lips were at my ear, “Jealous, much?”

I rolled my eyes, “You wish; I’m just starving.”

We both sat down at our booth and Alex winked, “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

I chuckled softly, “Yeah, yeah.”

“Hi, I’ll be your server today,” Another girl came up, this time she was perky, blond, and pretty. “What would you like to drink?” She didn’t even bother looking at me; she was looking directly at Alex. It annoyed me.

“Coke.” Alex said, and then looked at me, cocking an eyebrow. I nodded and he turned back to the waitress, “Two cokes.”

The waitress giggled for no reason, “Are you sure you don’t want anything else?” She offered, saying it in a manner that didn’t relate to food at all.

My blood boiled for no apparent reason. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was jealous, or because if the waitress would leave, I would be able to get my food.

My eyes narrowed when Alex winked at the girl, because I couldn’t take it anymore. He flirted with every single girl there was, and it was disgusting. I got up from my seat and walked over to the place with the buffet.

I grabbed a plate and started putting food on my plate, ignoring Alex when he came up next to me.

“Never figured you for the jealous type.” He whispered in my ear.

I shivered, he was too close. “I’m not, I’m just…hungry.” I moved away from him, putting even more food on my plate.

Alex shrugged, and concentrated on his own food. After I was done, I went back to the booth- where a coke was waiting for me- and started eating.

“So, what’s your deal?” Alex asked as he slid into the booth across from me.

I shrugged, not really wanting to explain: I’m hungry, that’s all.

“Come on, everyone has to have a background story.” He urged.

I froze; my hand was midair, my eyes widened, and my breathing stopped. So that was what he mean, my background story. Should I bother to tell him? Could I tell him? I hadn’t spoken about my mother’s death in a long time; barely even thought about it.

Sure, the grief still hangs over me like a big, dark cloud but talking about it is something different. Because talking means you’re sharing it with someone.

“So you do have a story…” He sounded mildly interested.

I looked up at him, “What’s yours?” I asked my tone flat.

“I have none.” He looked down at his plate.

“Bullshit.” I set my plate down and propped my chin up with the palm of my hand.

“I was born in England, I moved to New York City when I was six, and now I’m here.” He said simply.

“England, huh?” I asked, cocking my head to the side.

He smirked at me, “Yeah, Essex, England. It’s a small town in the wilderness.”

“Why’d you move here? Why now?” I searched his face for answers, “It’s Senior year, why did you move in the end?”

“When you tell me your story; I’ll tell you what happened, deal?” He held out his hand for me to shake.

I eyed it warily, should I agree to this? I wanted to hear his story, but I really didn’t want to tell mine. Here was someone new, why taint his image of me-which already isn’t that good- with the ‘Lost Mother’ story? I didn’t want someone else to feel sorry for me, especially Alex Gaskarth.

I closed my eyes and tried to fight all the thoughts overcoming me; the hospital, the funeral, and all those months after. I did something rash for the first time in a long time. I shook his hand.