I Swear I Love You

Brian’s POV

“Where the fuck are those painkillers…” I muttered to myself as I was scouring through the cupboards we had in the bathroom, trying to seek out the infamous Tylenol pill. We always had some stocked somewhere regardless of where we were because of how necessary it was to have some after a night’s drinking. I had only ever had one instance where I didn’t have any after a night out and god, the pain I had the next day was unreal. Then again, the pain that felt like something was tearing my wrist from my arm probably beat that by a long shot.

“Oh come on!” I pleaded, still one-arm searching. “Where the fuck are they?!”

“If you’re looking for Tylenol, they are in the cupboard above your head.”

Turning swiftly to the sound of the voice I saw Jess slipping into the bathroom behind me, locking the door after she closed it. I just stared at the handle blankly. “Didn’t I lock it?”

She shook her head. “Nope.” Dropping her hand from the door she walked over and crouched down next to where I had been on the floor looking uselessly underneath the cupboard, as if by some chance the pills had somehow got under there. She reached out and took my hand, easing off the glove and support with a gentle touch and looking over my wrist. “It’s gotten worse, hasn’t it?”

“It’s alright,” I dismissed.

“So why you are looking for painkillers then?”

“Well…” I trailed off, trying vainly to think of some semi-plausible excuse. “They’re for Logan. He has a bit of a headache so I said I’d get him some.”

She raised an eyebrow at me. “Well I have to say that’s one of your better excuses made up on the spot, but still, no dice.” Her gaze lifted from my wrist to mine. “I heard you as you were walking past the bunks. You weren’t exactly quiet about it.”

“Oh.” I took my hand back and held it with my other. “I thought you were asleep.”

“I have been, but a nightmare woke me up.” She smiled wryly. “I think I need to eat something soon; my sugar levels must be low. I don’t normally get nightmares otherwise.”

“When did you last eat?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted honestly. “Lunch yesterday I think was the last.” She laughed quietly to herself. “I haven’t been taking very good care of myself lately. My mom would be tearing her hair out if she saw how I was now. Then again, when I went home that was bad enough.” Her eyes looked at me curiously. “Thinking of home, what has been going on between you and Holly? I didn’t think you two had ever met properly before.”

“At some person’s 18th in the summer after you left for Australia,” I replied. “Don’t you think you should eat something before anything bad happens?”

“Probably,” she agreed. “Did something happen between you and Holly? She acted as if you were very close.”

“Well we were, for that summer anyway, since after that I got a call from Rev about if I wanted to join the band. I didn’t stick around much after that,” I said. “I also like how you said probably but then changed the subject after. No wonder you’ve been looking after yourself so carelessly.”

“Says you,” she retorted. “You’ve kept on changing the subject as well. What happened between you and Holly?”

“Not much.” I shrugged. “And I only keep changing the subject back; you’re the one who keeps changing it first.”

“I wouldn’t need to if you would leave it alone. What happened between you and my sister?” She sat on the floor with her back against the door, her legs crossed, arms folded across her chest. “I’m not going to budge until you tell me.”

One look at her indignant expression told me she was telling the truth- I’d be stuck in this bathroom for the next decade if I didn’t give her what she wanted. Then again, I wasn’t sure if she should hear it in the first place. “Are you sure you want to know?”

“Of course.”

“Well… I guess you could say for that summer we were a couple.” I fell back to sit on the floor after feeling the ache of crouching for the past half an hour. “After the first time we ran into each other a few times at other parties and well… one thing led to another. We just seemed to click; there was just something about her that I couldn’t get out of my head. I spent that whole summer just trying to figure out what that thing was.”

Up until now Jess had been silent; although there was something in her eyes. Was she hurt from finding out?“Did you find out what it was?”

“Not until recently.” It was because I missed you.

“Is that why you didn’t work out this time?” A small smile greeted me as I looked at her with surprise. “I could tell you know. Holly would never act like that to anyone unless she absolutely adored them- she doesn’t like to get her defences down. She might get hurt that way.”

My gaze dropped. “It seems like a good idea.” I sighed. “Are you mad at me?”

“A little. She is my little sister after all.” She rose from beside the door and walked over to where I was sitting, reaching over my head to the cupboard above to procure a couple of pills and a glass from the side to fill up with water. After she had both she descended back to my level and held them out for me to take. “Here. These will be better than Tylenol; they should help with the swelling.”

I glanced briefly down at the tablets in my hand before I took them, rinsing them down with some water. Jess watched this and laughed. “What?”

“I could have just given you poison!”

I simply shrugged, draining the rest of the water from the glass. “You couldn’t poison me. You would feel too guilty.”

“True,” she said, outstretching her hand and helping me to my feet. “But it doesn’t deny the fact that I could have.”

“Well I’ll be sure to check next time you give me something,” I replied casually. “Anyway since you’ve helped me out, I’m going to help you.”

“Help me how?”

“I’m going to make you something.”

“Make me something?”

“Yup.” I bent down and gestured for Jess to climb up on my back, holding onto her right side since I couldn’t do the same with my left. “Since you can’t seem to look out for yourself, then I’ll have to do it for you.”

“You make me sound like I’m completely hopeless.”

I laughed. “Let me rephrase that.” I crouched slightly so that Jess could reach out and open the bathroom door. “You are fantastically good at helping everyone, even if you’ve never met them before, but as soon as it gets to anything involving you, you are completely hopeless. Good Samaritans are great to have, but not if they die because they forgot to do the bare necessity of eating every once in a while.”

No one said anything as Jess and I made our way past the others to the small kitchen space we had further up, gently letting her slide off my back before I turned my attention to the cupboards. “What do you feel like having?”

“I thought it was normally me who did the cooking?” She asked, chuckling lightly. “Although if you’re offering, I’ll have the special.”

“Special?”

She smiled. “The oh-so-yummy-scrummy-blueberry-Brian-pancakes of course!” She responded brightly. “I haven’t had them in four years and I think I am long overdue.”

I laughed. “That you are.” Reaching up I stupidly used my left wrist to open the cupboard above my head and received a stab of pain for my effort. I snatched back my wrist and cursed under my breath while I tried to stem the throbbing by gripping it tightly with my other hand, with Jess noticing this action almost instantly.

“You didn’t put the support back on did you?” She didn’t wait for my answer, already turning on her heel back to the bathroom. “I’ll go get it; just wait here. I need to get changed out of these clothes anyway.”

With gentler movements I eased open the cupboard again, this time with my right hand, and began to pull down the various ingredients I would need in order to make Jess’ ‘special’, moving on to mix them together in a bowl using my elbow to steady it. This was obviously a hell of a lot more difficult than if I had the use of my hand to steady the bowl; at least it was difficult leading up to me accidentally letting my elbow drop and as a result, watch as the bowl shattered on the floor. Thankfully Jess skipped back to the scene and stopped the others from coming over before they could see the state of me, which luckily enough meant I could quickly slip on the wrist support and glove that Jess handed to me just before Larry appeared behind us from up front.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Makin’ pancakes,” Jess answered happily, before chuckling at the state of the floor. “Although I was hoping to eat them on a plate, and not the floor.”

Larry opened his mouth to say something, but either thought better of it or just didn’t think it was worth saying. In the end, the shaking of his head said it all really. “Just try not to set the bus alight, okay?”

“You don’t need to worry about anything Larry!” Jess smiled sweetly at him- I could tell his brief anger was already subsiding. “I’m here to make sure he doesn’t do anything silly.”

“Right…” He turned and began to walk back up the front, not before adding, “and make me some will you!”

“Now you really have to make these nice,” Jess stated, quickly clearing up the mess on the floor and tossing the broken pieces of the bowl- along with the cloth containing all the batter I had just about finished- into the bin. “Otherwise you won’t just have me to answer to.”

“Great, another thing to annoy the manager with,” I muttered, slightly irritated that I had to start again. At least now I could somewhat grip the bowl with my hand now the support was on it. “If he wasn’t pissed off enough already…”

“Aw come on, I’m sure he’ll brighten up after some of your pancakes,” Jess interjected, peering up at me from the side. “I know I always do.”

“I’m just surprised you never got fat; you ate enough of them,” I replied, giving the batter one last stir for good measure before I placed it to the side to heat up the oil in the pan. We hadn’t actually used the stove throughout the whole time we had been on tour- I guess even with Val representing the female community that didn’t mean it got any use. Hell, unless we ate out we all just basically lived off sandwiches or anything that came ready-made from a packet.

“You’re just jealous because I can eat whatever I want,” she said smugly, poking her tongue out at me. “You on the other hand just got fat.”

“Watch what you say young lady, I do have a hot pan.” I held up the pan that was now happily cooking the first of many blueberry pancakes. “I could burn you with it.”

She chuckled. “Could, but wouldn’t.”

“Eh, true,” I relented. I gestured to one of the drawers beside her. “Could you hand me a spatula?”

“Sure.”

As she went to get I experimented with flipping the pancake over the pan, flicking my wrist up and to my surprise, actually manage it. “Did you see that?” I laughed. “I’ve never done that before! Hey Jess-” I turned to her only to have my expression drop at the sight of her; she was completely rigid other than a faint tremble taking hold of her body. The spatula dropped from her hand to the floor as her gaze lifted to mine and spoke just in time before the rest of her followed.

“Brian...”

Deserting the pancake I quickly lunged forward and managed to grab her before she hit the floor, supporting her in my arms. It didn’t do wonders for my wrist in the slightest but that was the last thing on my mind. “Jess?” I gave her a light shake. “Hey Jess, answer me.”

I was about to call for one of the others to bring over her bag when her eyelids fluttered; a small smile gracing her pale lips. “Heh… I made you worry then didn’t I?” She groaned slightly as she took back her weight from my arms, holding onto the counter for support after I reluctantly stepped back at her request. Her eyes echoed a mixture of exhaustion and annoyance. “I guess my body really can’t wait for those pancakes.” She tried to make the atmosphere lighter by attempting a laugh but it just didn’t ring right- it just sounded strange. She sighed. I could tell she was getting fed up with the fickle guidelines she had to adhere to but she knew as well as that nothing could be done about it. Essentially she was just a ticking time bomb whose descending counter could only be slowed until it finally exploded.

“I was always going to let you have the first one anyway,” I said softly, tipping the cooked pancake onto one of the plates I had set out earlier.

She smiled weakly at the sentiment. “Thank you.” She tore off part of the pancake and tossed it in her mouth, the smile gaining in strength as time wore on.

“Are they how you remember?”

She paused before making her judgment. “Much better. Then again anything always tastes good after I nearly have a hypo.”

Up until the last part of her comment I smiled- then I scowled. “Cheers.”

“Anytime.”

She just laughed at me as I finished up cooking off the rest in silence, still scowling as I did it. “I’m guessing you’re feeling better now?”

She nodded. “Much better.” After finishing off at least half of all the pancakes I made- which I’ll tell you now, were enough to feed Jimmy three times over, and that’s saying something- she added a couple more to her plate.

“You’re not seriously going to eat more are you?” I said incredulously. “Where the hell are you packing these away?”

“In my second stomach,” she replied happily, patting her stomach for emphasis. “But no, these aren’t for me.”

“For who then?”

“Larry of course! Poor guy looks like he’s nearing the end of his tether.” She gestured to the pancakes. “These will make him feel better; they made me.”

“Except you are happy whenever you are eating anything,” I pointed out, placing my empty plate in the sink and taking the remainder of the stack on another plate. “I’ll see if the others want some.” I turned to walk off when she called me back.

“Hey Brian?”

I turned back. “Yeah?”

“Do you…” She faltered, biting her lip.

“Do I what?”

“Do you think the others saw… you know when I…?”

“When you fainted?” I glanced back at the others, who were all still lounging around in the entertainment section, absolutely captivated by the television. “I don’t think so.”

“Oh… good.” Her smile returned. “I’ll be right back.”

“Oh and Jess?”

She stopped. “Yes?”

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you wearing my hoodie.” She merely laughed and continued walking again, off to deliver the pancakes to Larry up front.

As soon as she disappeared I couldn’t help but feel my expression fall for her; she absolutely hated being in situations where she had to depend on others- I guess that’s what nurtured her caring side for others. If she knew in the future she’ll need them, then she wanted to pay them back in full, even if it is before the incident ever arose in the first place.

“Been having a fun cooking session with Jess?” Val piped up as soon as I approached. As soon as she noticed the pancakes I was holding she quickly gave Matt a swift slap and made him move up on the couch and gestured for me to sit down next to her. “Ooh, those smell gorgeous!” She breathed in deeply before looking up at me with wide eyes. “Can I have one?”

“Knock yourself out.”

She squealed out of delight and grabbed the plate out of my hands, the last of the pancakes quickly diminished by the rest of the band. Once everyone had taken their share Val turned back to me thoughtfully, nibbling on the corner of her pancake. “Is Jess alright? I saw her fall earlier.”

“You saw that?” She nodded. “Oh. Yeah she’s alright.”

“But…?”

I looked at her. “But what?”

“From the way you were talking, you make it sound like something was wrong.”

“No, its fine,” I reassured. “But do me a favour and don’t mention it when Jess comes back.”

“Why not?” She leant forward, concerned. “Did something happen?”

“No…” I trailed off, trying to find a way out. “She’s just a bit embarrassed about it.”

“Oh.” She fell back against Matt. “Don’t worry, we won’t.” She glanced up at me slyly. “Only as long as you make us these pancakes again.”

I shrugged. “Fine.”

She grinned devilishly. “Every day for the rest of the tour.”

“What?! You can’t be serious-!”

“Hey guys!” Jess happily seated herself on me, giving everyone a light wave. My argument was suddenly deemed useless as Val knew I wouldn’t do anything to hurt Jess- god damnit the woman is evil. She must have noticed my downcast expression since she prodded me in the side. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I muttered, shooting Val a glare as Jess shrugged and looked away.

Val simply smiled in reply. “Brian just said how he’s willing to get up every morning and make these for everyone.” She patted me patronisingly on the leg. “He’s such a good boy.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you,” Jess whispered to me.

I smiled gratefully, resting my arms loosely around her waist. “Thanks.” She rested her hands on top of mine, making sure to use the lightest touch possible. “How did Larry like the pancakes?”

“Oh! He loved them!” She tapped on the top of my hand. “He wanted me to tell you that Lumberjack is stopping at the next gas station, and to get off if you need anything.”

Zack looked confused. “But we filled up everything back in Orlando.”

“I think he was trying to imply about more pancakes,” Jess responded. “Although he said he’d prefer lemon pancakes next time though.”

“Cheeky bastard,” Matt commented, shifting to the side so that he could look at Val. “Do you want anything from the station?”

“Hmm… I’ll have a chocolate bar if you’re offering.” She rolled her head to Jess. “Don’t you just get those times where you just have a craving for something sugary?”

Where I thought Jess would feel down at the fact she often refrained from sugary treats she simply chuckled. “All the time. Unfortunately I can’t satisfy my needs as often as I’d like; at least not without ending up ill for my trouble.”

Johnny frowned. “That sucks.”

“It really does,” Jess agreed, swinging her legs out. “But you learn to live with it. You all have to live with each other, which is a far greater hassle- at least from what I’ve seen.”

“There has only been hassle because you’ve been around,” I pointed out, playfully nudging her. “Before that we were fine. You were only in America for a few hours before you started causing trouble.”

“But at least I make life entertaining,” she replied simply, rocking herself onto her feet as the bus shuddered to a stop. The charms we had got her for her birthday seemed to chime for our attention as she moved; the silver bass drum Jimmy had gotten her in particular. “I’m going to go stretch my legs. Anyone coming with?”

“Why don’t you take the boys with you, they’ve been sitting her being lazy,” Val suggested, ignoring all protests made by us- at least along with mine until she continued. “Not Brian though. He can stay and help me wash up these plates, since I’m not doing it on my own.”

Before any further arguments could be made from the others about Val’s orders Larry shouted back to us. “Who’s getting off?”

“This lot are,” Val answered, gesturing at everyone who wasn’t me.

He nodded. “Alright. We’re stopping here while Logan fills up the bus so grab what you want quickly and then get back on because we need to get a move on. We’re driving straight through the night so sort out who is sleeping on the couch before then.” He took a few steps forward towards the steps before calling back again. “Get a move on then you lazy fuckers! Don’t think I haven’t seen you sitting on your asses back there!”

Apart from Jess the rest of the band filed off grumbling under their breath, obviously wanting to just stay on the bus instead of getting fresh air. However all of them knew it was best to do just as Val dictated rather than go against her, especially since she has mastery in getting revenge. She knows all of our weaknesses and how to exploit them; for example when Matt got on her bad side instead of shouting at him like a normal person she decided to hide every single pair of his aviator sunglasses. Now this is from a guy who basically wears them regardless of if it is sunny or not, so to take them away and leave him with nothing was essentially torture for the guy. It was not a good day for him; we all still remember his grovelling well. He never set a foot wrong with her after that.

As soon as the last set of feet left the bus Val turned to me, holding out her hand. “Give me your hand.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.”

I moved to give her my right hand when she stopped me. “No, your other one.”

“My… other one?” I faltered, glancing down at my injured wrist. The support was cleverly hidden underneath my glove but it wouldn’t stop the pain if she started to squeeze at the sprain. “Why do you want to look at it?”

Instead of explaining she quickly grabbed it and ripped off my glove, staring at the incriminating support underneath. “I knew you had done something!” She had only seen it for a moment before I snatched my hand back along with the glove but that was enough for her to begin worrying. “Can you play with that? Is it alright? Does it hurt? What happened?”

“It’s fine; I just slept on it funny,” I replied. “It’s no big deal.”

She frowned; she wasn’t buying it. “Sleeping on it wouldn’t make you need a support Brian. I should know- Matt’s slept on me enough and I’ve got on well the next day alright.”

“Well maybe I’m different.”

“Maybe you’re just lying to me,” she replied. “Are you worried about not being allowed to play?” She reached out and took my wrist again, tracing her fingers gently over the sprain. “How did you do this?” She asked softly. “Did you fall on it?”

“Something like that.”

She looked up at me. “Did Jimmy do it?”

I sighed. “He didn’t mean to. Not on purpose anyway. Our next show isn’t for a while so it doesn’t matter.”

“It will do if it doesn’t heal.” She released my hand, falling back on the couch and looking up at me with concern. “I won’t tell anyone about it now, but you know I’ll have to if it isn’t alright by Massachusetts.”

“I guess that’s fair,” I relented. “No point making a fuss where there isn’t one needed.”

Our conversation halted there as the others trundled back onto the bus, each of them holding at least one bag which they all dumped on the counters in the kitchen area. Jess, as the last to arrive, hopped over each of the obstacles to happily find her seat this time upon Jimmy. In her hands was a rectangular plastic case that she seemed ecstatic about- if the swift kiss on the cheek of her human seat was anything to go by.

“What have you got there Jess?”

She grinned at me, bouncing up and down on Jimmy’s lap. It was like she was an eight-year-old child after being given a lollypop or something- then again, giving Jess a lollypop now would make her act like it. She never bought anything sugar-related for herself, but if anyone were to offer her something… she couldn’t exactly say no.

“Moulin Rouge,” she replied happily. “Jimmy bought it for me. I haven’t seen it in ages!”

“Jimmy bought it did he?” I looked at him curiously. “That was nice of him.”

“Sure was!” She twisted her upper body so that she could plant a kiss on his cheek, which immediately began to flood with colour after. “Thank you Jimmy.”

Looks like she wasn’t angry with him anymore.

“It’s no problem,” he mumbled. “It wasn’t like it was a lot anyway…”

“But it was sweet of you nonetheless,” Jess replied matter-of-factly. “In fact…” She hopped off Jimmy’s lap back onto the floor, turning to address Val and Matt, the latter of which had slid back underneath his girlfriend in his usual place behind her. “Would it be alright if I watched it in your room? I won’t make you all sit through it by watching it out here.”

“That’s fine by me, I don’t want to sit through some crappy musical anyway,” Matt replied, before glancing down at Val in his arms. “Do you mind?”

She shook her head. “Nope.”

“Thanks!” She took a few steps up the back before pausing; almost as if she had remembered to do something. “Matt?”

He looked up at her. “Yeah?”

She glared at him. “Don’t ever call it a crappy musical again.” Then her expression brightened once more. “I’ll see you later!”

Matt shook his head and laughed at her antics. “God that girl is weird.”

“That’s Jess for you,” I said, pushing myself with my right hand to my feet.

Val looked up at me. “Where are you going?”

“Out back.”

She chuckled. “Do we have some hidden love for musicals?”

“Fuck no,” I replied. “You two lovebirds have had the best bed out of all of us so I want to test it out.” I stifled a yawn with the back of my hand, beginning to walk after Jess. “Wake me at dinner.”