Take a Breath and Hold On Tight

I gave a flustered smile at my uncle, who laughed.

"Having fun, you two?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw John tense; something that surprised me.

"Hey, Glenn," John stated in a wavering tone.

"Hello, John," he returned before taking a seat on the recliner.

I was unsure of what to say and I only wished that Libby and Garrett would come down to relieve the uneasiness.

After a moment, my uncle looked at John. "So, you two are together, I hear?" I licked my dry lips and nodded my head. "Well I'm glad to hear it, kids."

John smiled. "Thank you."

"Now, I've had this talk with Libby and Garrett, and it's only fair I give you two the same speech, since I consider Harper a second daughter," he said, making a smile spread across my face. "I was a teenage boy once and I know how things work." The smile fell from my face when I realized where this conversation was going. My cheeks immediately went ablaze. "I know that at this age, your hormones are off the charts and you're young and in love, but I expect you to respect Harper, John. She's only here for the summer, and it's my duty to look after her for my brother and sister-in-law. Harper, I also expect you to make smart decisions."

I nodded my head. "I know, Uncle Glenn."

"John, do you get what I'm saying?"

"Yes, sir," John said.

"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I could use a nice shower," my uncle stated before standing up and walking towards his room.

I covered my face with my hands, not believing the conversation that had just taken place.

"Well ... That was ... unexpected," John said after a moment.

I shook my head. "I can't even believe that just happened."

He laughed. "Your uncle's just trying to look after you. I'm sure your dad would do the same thing."

He obviously didn't know my dad.

"I guess."

After a moment, John stood up. "I should probably get home. I think Garrett and Libby are good now, considering there's been no yelling."

I nodded my head and stood up beside him. "I hope so. Thanks for bringing him by. Libby looked so broken earlier."

He gave a soft smile. "Kind of like someone else I know."

I furrowed my brows. "What do you mean?"

He shook his head and pulled me into a hug. "Nothing, Sweet Pea. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Alright."

We pulled away and I walked him to the door. After he was gone, I went back up to my room and decided on going through Levy's journal. With everything going on, it had been awhile since I last read from it. Once I was situated on my bed, I flipped the spiral open and began reading.

October 25th, 2008

My parents found out I quit the soccer team at school today. I wish I could say I was sorry for lying to them, and for quitting, but I'm not. At eighteen years old, I should be able to do the things that interest me and the things that I love. I suppose I did love playing soccer once, but that feeling had burned out a long time ago. Eighth grade to be exact. The game just wasn't fun for me anymore. And the guys on the team weren't exactly the ideal teammates. I can't believe that he hit me for quitting, though. Out of all the things my father has ever done to me, hitting me was by far the worst. I left the house afterward. I couldn't stand to be near him, and I couldn't stand to see the look on my sister's face, either. She looked so sad and so sorry for me. I wish that I could explain life to her and the horrid situations that it hands us sometimes, but I can't. I wish that I could be the big brother she deserves, but I can't be that. It kills me. I know that she's unhappy, because I can see it in her eyes. It's the very look I have in my own eyes. I can see the emptiness inside of them, but how can I possibly help her, when I can't help myself? I talked to Dalton about this, and he told me that I should talk to Harper, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I wouldn't even know how to approach her. I feel as if I'm at an impasse in my life. I don't know what to do, where to go, or how to handle anything. Dalton is the closest thing I have to an escape, but sometimes I feel as if having him isn't enough. The thought of feeling this way forever scares me. It scares me in the most extreme way.

I wiped the tears that had fallen from my eyes and closed the notebook, placing it back in it's rightful place before falling onto my back and closing my eyes.

I had never known that Levy could see so much of the emptiness inside of me. I wish that he had come to me, because I had no one else to turn to. I was alone and it hurt.

"You were an amazing brother, Levy," I whispered, staring out of my window at the clear blue sky. "You were ..."

___________________________________________________________

July had come and brought with it an unforgiving heat. It was mid-afternoon and the dash in John's car read 110 degrees. I pulled my hair back and gave a sigh.

"Hot?" he asked sarcastically.

I laughed and playfully pushed his shoulder. "Do I really have to do this, John?"

He nodded his head and handed me his keys. "Yes, because I promised Libby I would have you driving like a pro by the time summer's over."

I said nothing as I placed the keys in the ignition. My palms were already sweating and I was more nervous than I had ever been. "Do I have to actually go into town or can I just stay in the neighborhood?"

"You have to go into town, Sweet Pea," he told me.

I sighed and tried not to let my hands shake as I reversed out of the driveway. "Where do you want me to go exactly?"

"Wherever you want to go, Harper."

Knowing he wouldn't give me exact directions, I began driving slowly down the street, making a right, taking me to the main road. My heart began pounding against my chest as I made a left, merging with the light traffic.

"You're doing fine, baby. Relax. It's the key to driving," John stated before grabbing my bag from the floor.

"What're you doing?" I asked quickly, almost afraid to speak and drive at the same time.

"Seeing what you carry around." After rummaging around, he pulled a CD out. "Is this the one I gave you, or just one you have?"

"It's mine."

"Let's play it. Maybe it'll help you calm down," he said.

I pulled to a stop light and tried to breathe as I realized just how many cars were out on the road. So many chances of crashing ... I gulped. John slid the CD into the stereo and a song by Breaking Benjamin began playing. As the light turned green, I eased my foot onto the gas pedal.

"Harper, you have to keep up with the flow of traffic."

"I'm going thirty!" I argued.

John laughed. "I can see that. The speed limit is forty."

"I can't go forty, John."

"You have to go at least thirty-five, Harp," he told me.

I inhaled a sharp breath of air as I put more weight on the pedal. Slowly, the needle climbed to 35. I continued driving straight until John told me to make a right, leading us onto the highway. I nearly had a heart attack.

"John ... I can't do this," I panicked.

"Yes, you can, Sweet Pea," he said reassuringly.

As I watched the needle climb and climb, my heart began pounding in my ears and my palms felt so sweaty that I feared the wheel would slip from my hands. I thanked God that there weren't too many other cars around. Soon enough, the song on the CD ended and Hold On by Good Charlotte began playing.

I forgot this song was on the CD. I licked my lips and tried not to cry as the chorus started. I had put this song on the disc as a way of dedicating it to Levy.

I couldn't see the road clearly as tears blurred my vision, and I began to panic.

"John, I can't drive anymore."

"What do you mean? You're doing fine, Harper," he encouraged.

I shook my head. "I - I really can't do this." My voice was wavering.

"Why? You've come so far, babe!"

I was growing irritated at his inability to understand what I was going through. I began to decelerate, looking at John. "Please ... I can't drive anymore!" I pleaded.

John's expression became one of worry and concern. "Just- just wait until we get near an exit, okay?"

I shook my head again, pounding my hands against the wheel. "I can't!" I yelled.

"Harper, what are you doing!?" John shouted as he noticed how slow we were going, and just how fast the car behind us was coming.

"I told you I couldn't drive!"

"Fuck!" he yelled before reaching over and turning on the hazard lights and grabbing the wheel, directing the car to the right shoulder lane. "Press down on the brake, Harper!"

I did as he said and soon enough, we came to a stop. He put the gear in park and looked at me, as I began to breakdown. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" I cried.

He let out a long breath. "What's wrong, Harper?"

I shook my head, wiping my eyes. "Nothing."

"Bullshit. You nearly caused us to get into an accident, and you're crying. What's wrong?" he asked again. When I didn't say anything, he pulled me into his arms and rubbed soothing circles on my back as I sobbed into his shoulder. "Please tell me what's wrong, baby. Talk to me," he whispered.

"I ... I just miss him," I admitted.

"Who?"

"My brother. I miss him and I'm angry with him. I'm horrible, John. I don't want to be angry with him, but I am."

He pulled away and looked me in the eyes, his thumbs wiping away the tears beneath them. "Why are you angry with him?"

I looked away, not ready to tell him. "It's hard to say out loud," I told him.

There was a silence before he spoke. "Getting it out is the only way to feel better, Harper. Do you know that?"

I nodded my head. "It's just hard."

He unbuckled his seat belt and opened his door. "I want to take you somewhere," he said before getting out.

Mimicking his actions, I walked over to the passenger side as he took a seat behind the wheel. Before starting the car, he looked at me with nothing but complete seriousness. "Do you trust me?"

"Of course."

He nodded his head. "That's all I need to know."