My Name Is Jimmy and You Better Not Wear It Out

The anger and restlessness continued on into the next month.

Sure, I preached to the unwashed masses and helped them get rid of their shit emotions and all that, but it was fucking monotonous. They wanted the same damn stories over and over and OVER when most of them all knew what I was going to say next. They still soaked it in like every word would get them closer to God somehow. Kate moved out of state last week, and her friend Bre, despite what she must've thought of me at first, took her place, bringing the cocaine every time she wanted a quick fuck (which was practically every night).

I took midnight walks practically every night, pants and shoes with no shirt, exploring the City, memorizing the streets. The warm summer air calmed me down until I got home, then I would end up taking my pills and kicking the girl out and throwing things around for an hour until I fell asleep.

I constantly wondered how Tunny was, fueled by hate, wondering if he regretted leaving me here. Wondering if his tour was failing. Wondering if while he was fucking someone he was thinking of me, because he better be.

Not because I wanted him to. Because he should be haunted by leaving his best friend behind in a place he barely knew.

Don't think sick things, you freak. I don't swing that way, I've said it before.

But I was angry. And Bre was starting to notice, despite how damn baked she was whenever I saw here. It wasn't like I was hiding it from anyone, but everyone else was just acting like it was how I was.

Like it was completely normal for me to randomly throw a beer bottle across the room.

Completely normal for me to punch someone just because I was angry that my hands were shaking and wouldn't stop.

Normal for me to want to go out and break a guy's leg because he was stupid enough to write his name in damn Sharpie on the bathroom wall for me to clean up.

It wasn't fucking normal for me this god damn angry. And it wasn't normal for me to hear him laughing in my head every night, whether I took my pills or not.

And that fucking scared me.

It was almost a relieve when Bre showed up at my door one night, giggling like a complete idiot. In any other situation I would've told her to go the fuck away, but I needed company. Someone to remind me that he wouldn't take control, no matter how bad his manic giggling got. No matter how horribly my head pounded.

"What do you want, Bre?"

"I want what everyone else in this God damn place wants, for you to fuck me, but that's not what I'm here for tonight."

"That doesn't answer my question."

She took a step inside, getting close enough that I could smell the smoke on her clothes. Cigarette ore marijuana I wasn't sure. She wasn't giggling anymore, but I could tell it was taking a lot to keep it in.

"You've been really angry lately, Jimmy. So I thought I would find a way for you to calm down, and I found this."

she pulled a capped syringe out of her jacket pocket and held it out to me as an uncontainable giggle slipped past her lips. Her eyes were alight, eager to please. I took the syringe and looked it over. It contained a cloudy substance, but only about 15 milliliters of it. I gave her a questioning look.

"It's morphine. You can either get a wicked high or go numb for a while, but it only takes a few minutes to set in." She looked a bit worried as I continued to examine the syringe, then added, "The needle is clean. And I can stay with you the whole time, I'll just sit in the corner and smoke some pot. And I can get more if you want me to, it's not-"

"Sounds good." I couldn't help but grin slightly as Bre's face lit up. She was so easy to please. "But, I'll do it myself. You could stay outside in the hallway just to make sure I don't die or anything though."

She nodded and turned to leave, but before she did I grabbed her and kissed her just the way she liked it. "Thanks, this sounds like exactly what I need." She practically skipped all the way out to the hallway. Dumb bitch.

"You sure this is a good idea, Jim? I mean, she could come in here and rape you while you're out."

"Shut up."

"You know that if you take that, I'll still be here."

"Doesn't matter, you won't be able to hurt me."

"Like hell I won't! I'll be able to-"

"Not listening!" I sing-songed as I tied off my arm and injected myself with the morphine. I lay myself down on the mattress and waited, smiling the whole time as my reflection stood over me, shouting about how I was a dumb fuck and how I was useless and how I would never get out of the City and on to better places. But I just ignored him and kept on thinking I'm not listeniiiiiiiiiinnnngg in the most annoying way possible. He may be in my head and I may talk to him out loud, but he could still hear my thoughts. And hearing my thoughts about how I wasn't listening just make him angrier and angrier-

And then I realized that I couldn't feel my arms. Or the rest of my body for that matter. And usually some people may freak out about that, but I felt fine. I felt right. Like this was how I should've been all along. Just laying here on this mattress, floating in a sea of numbness as the lights went in and out of focus above me.

I could still hear my reflection yelling at me, but it was reduced to a small buzzing noise. It was far from my immediate thoughts, and I liked it that way.

And through this feeling of numbness, all the worries and anger floated away. My reflection could definitely NOT hurt me in this state, and when I was like this I didn't have to worry about all those sheep outside my apartment.

I didn't have to worry about if I had some random STD from one of the girls that I didn't have last week (not that I ever thought about that too often, only when the last girl was really skanky), I didn't have to think about how Bre was getting EXTREMELY attached, and I DEFINITELY didn't have to freak about how my hands started to shake violently if I didn't get my cocaine on time.

I was just me, out in a sea of numbness, where nothing mattered and I didn't have to worry about it.

June 13
TAKE AWAY THE SENSATION INSIDE
BITTERSWEET MIGRAINE IN MY HEAD
IT'S LIKE A THROBBING TOOTHACHE OF THE MIND
I CAN'T TAKE THIS FEELING ANY MORE
DRAIN THE PRESSURE FROM THE SWELLING
THIS SENSATION'S OVER WHELMING
GIVE ME A LONG KISS GOODNIGHT
AND EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT
TELL ME THAT I WONT FEEL A THING
GIVE ME NOVACAINE
OUT OF BODY AND OUT OF MIND
KISS THE DEMONS OUT OF MY DREAMS
I GET THE FUNNY FEELING AND THAT'S ALRIGHT
JIMMY SAYS IT'S BETTER THAN HERE
DRAIN THE PRESSURE FROM THE SWELLING
THIS SENSATION'S OVER WHELMING
GIVE ME A LONG KISS GOODNIGHT
AND EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT
TELL ME JIMMY I WON'T FEEL A THING
GIVE
ME
NOVA
CAINE