Missing in Action

As my eyes slowly opened, I discovered that I was no longer in the car. Instead I found myself lying on a bed, possibly single sized, wrapped in sheets. I sat up in the bed rubbing my eyes, emulating a child. I could feel the dried tear stains on my face. I had cried myself to sleep. This had been the second time today that I had woken up with no idea of where I was. Only this time I was alone.

As my vision became clearer I surveyed the room. The room was large, enormous even. The walls were painted a shade of beige. The floors were carpeted and a shade lighter than the paint on the walls. The bed was placed against the wall pointing outward. Beside the bed was a tan nightstand and a half empty bookshelf on the opposite side. Directly across the bed, there was a hole cut into the wall where a flat screen TV was placed. The door to the bathroom was cracked open, and was located on the other side of the room. A window was located on the far right side of the room beside two sets of double doors that I assumed belong to a closet. Beside the door that led to the hallway, my suitcases were strategically placed. I had no choice but to assume that I was in the Jonas’s home, my home.

I sighed as I tossed off the sheets and got out the bed. Going over to my suitcase I pulled out everything that I would need to take a shower. Taking a shower seemed like the perfect thing to do in a time like this. Once I was in the bathroom I ran the water, got undressed and stepped into the shower. My eyes closed in relaxation as the warm water trickled down my skin. I could feel my muscles relaxing with each drop of water.

This is what I needed right now, a way to relax. There were so many things running through my mind that I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, everything was unclear to me. My thoughts were racing, yet at the same time they were still. Every thought that I had related to one thing; I no longer knew who I was.

I poured my coconut shower gel on to my sponge as the thought continued to repeat itself in my head. I no longer knew who I was, how much more powerful could a statement be. So much is said in so little words. To say that the person who you once were, is no longer you. To say that the life that you once lived, is no longer your life. How can this all be said with such little words? Making matters worse, how was a fifteen year old girl supposed to handle something like this?

I could feel tears beginning to brim my eyes. Before I could even think, they were flowing down my cheeks. For the second time today, I let them fall. My salty tears were immediately washed away by the hot water. I placed my face in my hands as I continued to cry. The pounding from the water hitting the tub, covered the sobs escaping my mouth. Not once had I attempted to stop my crying. I had never felt more alone.

I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know who I had become. I didn’t know anything about my past. I had spent my entire life molding myself into the image that I was supposed to be, a smaller version of my parents. Only now do I realize that all of my efforts were a waste. I would never mold myself into them because I wasn’t one of them. None of my features were given to me from them; they were given to me by someone else, someone who I didn’t know. I had missed out on my life, because of a lie.

I not only had different parents, I had brothers, a family. A person spends their childhood with their family, creating memories. I hadn’t gotten that chance. Instead my memories belonged to someone else. Someone who decided they were going to take my memories away, someone who decided to give me the memories that they wanted me to have. So who was I supposed to be? I may be a completely different person based on my memories, the memories that I didn’t have.

I started to sob even harder. This was the only chance that I was ever going to get to let out my emotion and I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone again. They were having a hard time adjusting to this change too. My depression will not help this transition. Instead, it would only make things worse.

I don’t know how long I was in the shower sobbing, but I knew that I ran out of tears. I couldn’t cry anymore if I wanted to, and I did. The water in the shower was no longer hot, but warm and slowly fading to cold. I felt exhausted once more. I wanted to curl up in the bed and sleep until I woke up from this nightmare. Only this wasn’t a dream, this was reality.

Eventually I came out of the shower and wrapped myself up in a towel that I found in the linen closet. I used another to dry my hair to the best of my ability. My hair was still dirty blonde from the hair dye, but it was beginning to return to its natural curly state. A trait that I inherited from my family no doubt. I started in the mirror as I dried my hair, and I couldn’t help but to notice my eyes. Though they were a bit red from my intense amount of crying, I could still notice their details very clearly. They were large, round, and deep brown. I had spent my entire life trying to both hide and ignore my eyes, but now they were the only thing that connected me to the life that I never knew.

After getting dressed I hung up my towel on the rack that was placed on the back of the door. I placed my ponytail holder onto my wrist as I opened my bathroom door and found Joe lying on the bed. In his hand was a pillow that had a cartoon version of a taco on it as he stared up at the ceiling. My face twisted in confusion as I tilted my head to side.

“Uh Joe,” he immediately sat up at the sound of my voice. “What are you doing in here?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I just came in to check up on you. I wanted to see if you were awake, and it turns out you are,”

“Oh...okay I guess,”

He patted the free space on the bed beside him as he sent me a warm smile. “Come, sit,”

I sent him the tiniest of smiles before sitting next to him on the bed. I can admit that I feel closest to Joe so far. He’s been the only one that has made an effort to get to know me since the incident. Joe has been by my side throughout this entire episode. Being with him makes this nightmare easier to handle.

“I thought I should bring you this” He handed me the pillow that was in his hand. I couldn’t help but to raise my brow in confusion once more.

“A taco pillow?”

“Mr. Taco to be exact,” I continued to raise my brow in confusion as I stared at the pillow. No matter how confusing Joe giving me a pillow was it was a sweet gesture, he didn’t have to do it. So I thanked him anyway, only he shook his head. “I don’t think you get it,”

“Honestly, I don’t.”

“Food makes me feel better. Whenever I’m upset about something or I feel bad or nervous, I eat something. A snack a meal, whatever, I just eat something. Mr. Taco was something that I got a long time ago, for when I have bad dreams since you know, food makes me feel better. So I thought that, giving you Mr. Taco would help you feel better.”

My lips immediately turned upwards. It was one of the sweetest things anyone has done for me since this incident began. Though it was a small gesture, I loved everything about it. This was yet another reason why I could say Joe was an amazing guy.

I threw my arms around his neck in a hug. He was caught off guard at first, but he soon returned the hug. “Thanks Joe, I love it” as we separated I continued to smile. “But you know, a real taco sounds amazing right now,”

I watched as his face began to light up with joy. “That’s perfect, because everyone was wondering what you wanted to dinner”

He quickly stood up off the bed, heading towards the door with a smile on his face. I quickly grabbed his arm stopping him. He turned around and looked at me with a confused look on his face.

“Uh Joe,” I hesitated. I slowly dropped his arm as I folded my hands into my lap, looking down at my feet nervously. “…do you think that…maybe…you and me could just go somewhere to get something to eat.”

“Only if everyone else doesn’t mind,” I quickly added. My nervousness immediately began to take over. My mind began to fill with thoughts of what everyone would think. I didn’t want to offend them. We hadn’t spent any time together yet. Asking if I could skip dinner would be blatant disrespect.

But I only wanted to go out with Joe. It wasn’t because I didn’t like anyone else in the house. I didn’t know them well enough to say that I didn’t like them. From the time that we had spent together, they appeared to be amazing people, but I didn’t know them. I was nervous. I couldn’t help that the only person I found myself being comfortable around was Joe. If I went to dinner I would find myself being surrounded by everyone. The amount of tension that was going to be formed was something that I wouldn’t be able to handle. It was just something that I wasn’t ready for. I would have to face it eventually but not now, just not now.

I quickly stood up, shaking my head. “You know what, never mind, forget I asked,”

Joe only smiled as he looked back at me. “Are you going to wear those clothes when we go out or are you going to change,”