Please Don't Forgive Me

“Come on Ani. Push. You can do this. Push,” Garrett whispered in my ear.

“What else do you think I’ve been doing for the last forty minutes Nickelsen?” I screamed. I couldn’t do this. I didn’t think I could force myself to push even one more time. The pain was unlike anything I have ever felt and it just didn’t stop. It just got worse and worse the more I pushed; the closer the head was to crowning.

“Ani, you’re almost there, don’t give up now. You can do this. Just keep pushing.” I grabbed Garrett’s hand and squeezed it as hard as I could while forcing myself to lean as far forward as I could.

“Garrett, I can’t,” I moaned. “This hurts so much.” Being the idiot that I am I decided to do this naturally. If I could kick myself in the ass right now, I so would.

“Anika, the head is crowing, just a few more and you’ll bring your first child into the world.” I sighed and forced myself to push a few more times until I could hear crying. “It’s a boy!”

“Hear that Ani? Our son.” I smiled as he kissed my sweaty, greasy forehead. The nurse placed the vernix covered infant on my chest and I couldn’t help but smile. He was adorable. He had Garrett’s blue eyes and he had a patch of auburn fuzz on his head. “He’s perfect,” Garrett whispered into my ear.

“He’s beautiful,” I wept. “He’s so beautiful,” I sighed.

“Anika?” Garrett asked worriedly. “Anika, answer me!” I could feel everything around me turning black and I could feel myself slipping away. The darkness was clouding my eyes and all I could see was the blue of Garrett’s eyes; the same blue I had just seen in our son’s eyes. “Anika!” I could hear him yelling but I couldn’t respond. I was slipping away again. I had felt this way before. It was what it felt like to die. It wasn’t painful and it wasn’t as frightening as I would have thought. It was peaceful. “Anika!” he cried, “Anika, wake up! Anika, don’t leave me! Ani!”

I could hear screaming and shouting and movement and I could feel myself losing blood; losing consciousness. I couldn’t fight it. I tried because I knew I had to stay alive but it was too over powering. “Anika!” I heard Garrett yell again. I could hear our son’s screams loud and clear. He was now in Garrett’s arms and I was being moved. “Anika, don’t leave me,” he cried, “Please.”

--------------------♥--------------------

I opened my eyes and saw a bright light above me and thought I was dead. This was surely what I would see, right? Then I heard the beeping of the heart monitor. I felt the blood pressure cuff tighten on my arm and I could smell hospital. Garrett was passed out in a chair next to my bed, his hand over the railing and a pained expression across his features. I had seen this before; this version of Garrett. I reached over to squeeze his hand and call his name. “Garrett,” I said; my voice dry and rough. “Garrett,” I repeated louder. His eyes flew open and he looked over at me.

“You’re awake,” he said leaning over to kiss my forehead. “I thought I was losing you again Ani.” He sighed loudly. “I thought I was going to lose both of you. Anika, you scared the shit out of me.”

“I know,” I smiled. “I could hear you calling my name, but I couldn’t answer.”

“That’s why I kept calling; I knew you could hear.” I smiled and put my hand on my stomach. I swallowed hard.

“Where are they Garrett? Where are they?” Panic was finding its way into my voice. “Where?” I saw him turn around and pinch the bridge of his nose. “Please?” I asked, tears starting to form. “Garrett? Please? How bad is it?”

“He’s fine, Anika. He’s fine.” I could tell he was hoping I wouldn’t remember that I was pregnant with twins. He knew I couldn’t forget that.

“What about her? What about our daughter Garrett?” I cried. “Don’t tell me she’s gone. Please?” He sat on the edge of my bed and wrapped me in his arms.

“She isn’t gone,” he said softly, “but she might as well be. She might be better off.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I sobbed.

“She was deprived of oxygen for a long time; too long. They don’t know if it affected her brain. She might be brain damaged; if she survives.” He inhaled sharply. Neither of us wanted to have this conversation. “She’s so small, Anika. She’s just so small and so fragile. I’d be so scared to hold her. She looks like she might break. And her skin; it has that color.”

“The transparent color? The one that mine had?” He nodded and avoided eye contact. “She’ll make it Garrett. She’s us. She’s part you and part me; she’s strong. She’ll make it. She’ll be fine.”

“What if she doesn’t? What if she isn’t fine Anika?” I took his hand in mine and forced myself to sit up.

“Then we’ll take it from there. That’s all we can do. All we can do is pray and hope and love her. If she’s supposed to be with us, then she’ll be with us. If not, then she’ll be where she should. We can’t change that.” He leaned his head on my shoulder and started crying.

“I was so afraid. I was so afraid that you were gone. And I knew that if you were gone she would be too.”

“But we’re both still here and everything will be fine.” I rubbed his back to try and calm him. “Garrett, it’ll all be okay.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I held her in my body for almost nine months; she’s strong. I know she’s strong and I know she can beat the odds. She will Garrett, she will.”

“They almost had to do a hysterectomy; we couldn’t have had any more kids.” I shushed him and rubbed his back.

“I know, honey, I know.”

“They didn’t though; we can have another one.” I continued to hold him and clam him.

“Even if we lost her Garrett, we could never replace her.”