Please Don't Forgive Me

“Daddy, don’t go!” Emma screamed as Garrett stood in the door way with his luggage to leave for tour. He had two duffels and a case with his bass and another with an acoustic guitar. “Don’t,” she sobbed holding onto his leg.

“I’ll be home soon, sweetie, I promise,” he whispered bending down to her level. Morgan stood on the other side of Garrett neither bidding farewell nor begging him to stay. Morgan was Garrett and Emma was me and it was showing more than ever.

“No!” she yelled. She was usually well behaved but this would be excused. I wouldn’t discipline her for having a similar reaction to my own. I bent to grab her hand while balancing Addy on my hip and swallowing hard to push the bile and stomach acid back where they belonged.

“Emma, Daddy has to go,” I sighed. She shook her head back and forth quickly and stomped her foot. “Honey, he’ll be home soon, okay? I promise.” She shook her head again and insisted that Garrett couldn’t leave.

“Emma,” Garrett said quietly, “I have to go. But when I get home we’ll spend the entire day together. I’ll take you to the park, I’ll teach you how to ride a bike, and then we’ll go out for ice cream. Okay?” She shook her head ‘no’ again.

“You’re still leaving,” she mumbled. He nodded and kissed her forehead.

“But I’ll be home soon.” He gave Morgan a hug and their goodbye was easy. He stood to say goodbye to Addison and to me. “Is this going to be easier or harder than Emma?” he asked jokingly.

“Just have a good time, okay? Just call and stay in touch. It isn’t like last time Garrett. It isn’t just me you’re leaving this time. It isn’t just Mia that John is leaving. And it isn’t even just Hannah that Kenny is leaving. It’s the first time that Jared is leaving Allison, and the first time Pat is leaving Kara. It’s different this time.”

“I know,” he sighed. He kissed me softly and held me close for a minute as tears began to escape my eyes. I didn’t sob and I didn’t beg him to stay. I simply stood there, my cheeks bright red, the green of my eyes all the more obvious since they were bloodshot, my auburn hair hanging in lose ponytail over my shoulder, and my bottom lip quivering; waiting for a sob or screech to escape. “Don’t cry, please Anika. Don’t make this that much harder.” He wiped the tears with his thumb and frowned. I followed his gaze as he looked up at the clock. “I have to go,” he sighed. “I love you so much. I’m going to miss you like crazy.” I nodded and choked out and ‘I love you too,’ and he left.

“Mommy?” Emma asked pulling on my pants leg. “Mommy, why are you crying?” She and Morgan looked up at me sorrowfully. “Did Daddy make you cry?”

“No,” I whispered wiping the tears away furiously. “No, see, Mommy isn’t crying.” I wasn’t crying because I couldn’t. I was too broken and there weren’t enough tears left. If I were to cry right now I didn’t know what would happen.

“But then why are your cheeks wet?” I smiled down at Morgan and tried to think of a response.

“I’m just going to miss your Daddy a lot. That’s all,” I sighed.

--------------------♥--------------------

I put Addison in her crib, but she wouldn’t sleep. I put Emma and Morgan to bed but they couldn’t stay asleep. That was how it ended up being four in the morning with the four of us curled together in the bed that Garrett and I usually shared. The sun would be up soon and no one had slept for more than an hour; except maybe Addison, and even that was questionable. Emma was dozing on one side and Morgan on the other. Addison was still quietly in my arms.

I was about to fall asleep when my cell phone rang. I reached for it, annoyed by the fact that whoever it was woke me up. “Hello?”

“Hey,” I could hear him smile into the phone. “Still awake, huh?”

“Yeah, none of us could sleep.” I smiled hearing his voice, and the twins drifted deeper into sleep.

“I miss you guys so much. How is everything?”

“We’re doing okay I think. They just fell asleep though.” I laughed a little and looked at each of them. Their innocent, soft features as they slept.

“How are you holding up?” he asked softly. “Any nausea? Headaches?” I smiled and responded.

“No, actually. Not yet anyway. I miss you too by the way.” He laughed in response. “Where are you guys?”

“We just got off the plane in New Jersey; at Newark. We’re playing in New York tonight.”

“Sounds fun. Don’t get too crazy,” I laughed.

“Oh, we’re getting really rowdy trying to find our bus, let me tell you. I know you love New York, Ani. I wish you were here.”

“The two of us and New York always means a fight; just like Kansas.” He smirked; I could hear it in his voice.

“Not this time. I won’t let it.” I smiled and laughed with him until I fell asleep. Somehow he still made me feel like a sixteen year old girl and that made me love him even more.