Please Don't Forgive Me

The months had come and gone and I was almost nine months pregnant. I wasn’t exactly ecstatic about having a fourth child. Three could be hectic enough. Granted I loved children and always loved big families, but still.

“You okay?” Garrett asked walking into the apartment. He’d just gotten home from picking Emma up from ballet.

“Yeah, just tired. Totally exhausted.” I sighed and stood up from the couch.

“Go take a nap. I’ll make dinner. You can relax.” I shook my head and wrapped my arms around his neck.

“I can do it. I’ve done nothing all day, the least I can do is make dinner. You took the kids everywhere. I haven’t done a damn thing.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me softly.

“Go take a nap. Go. You haven’t done anything and you shouldn’t have to. Go relax. I’ll keep the kids occupied.” I gave in and walked toward the bedroom. I turned around once I had reached the door way and Garrett motioned for me to continue walking. “Go Ani. Go take a nap.” I nodded and turned back to the bedroom. I curled into the blankets on his side of the bed like I used to when he toured.

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When I woke up it was three hours later and the sun was beginning to set. I strolled out of the bedroom to find Garrett and the kids sitting at the table. Emma and Morgan were slurping spaghetti and Morgan’s chin was covered in sauce. Garrett was pretending the spoon was an airplane in attempt to get Addison to eat. I let out a small laugh and walked over to him. “I’ll feed her. Eat your dinner.”

“I can feed her if you want to eat,” he smiled finally getting her to take a spoonful of food. I shook my head ‘no’ and took the spoon from his hand.

“I’m not really hungry right now. You haven’t eaten all day though. So I’ll feed her and give her a bath and put her to bed.”

“Are you sure?” he asked skeptically. “You’re sure you don’t need more time to relax?” I nodded.

“I can do it. I’m pregnant, not handicapped.” He laughed and handed over the jar of baby food. I smiled and started feeding Addison the vegetable food, which she ate much more cooperatively now.

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“Garrett,” I whispered in the middle of the night. “Garrett, wake up!” I nudged him. His snoring got louder and I shook him again.

“Mmmhm?” he mumbled in his sleep. I sighed and pushed him again. “What?” he mumbled.

“Wake up.” He rolled over sleepily and opened his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I held under my stomach as I hovered over the edge of the bed. “Is something wrong? Are you okay?” I shook my head and he climbed out of bed sleepily and slowly. “What is it? Is it time?” I shook my head again. “Then what is it?”

“I just don’t feel right,” I said shakily. “It’s just a weird feeling. I’m sore and it’s almost like cramping.”

“Could it be early labor? Are they contractions?”

“I don’t think so.” He nodded and pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans.

“I’ll call Pat. He can handle them while they’re asleep.” I nodded and slid on a pair of sandals. “Hey,” he whispered noticing the fear painted across my face, “it’ll be fine. I’m sure that everything is okay.” My lower lip was quivering and I bit down on it. I knew something was wrong and I didn’t want anything bad to happen. It had been too close of a call with Emma. I couldn’t go through that again. “Shh,” he whispered in my ear, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and dialing Pat’s number,

“I wish I believed you,” I whispered though my voice was on the verge of cracking. He continued to try and soothe me by moving his hand up and down rubbing my arm.

“Hey, sorry to call in the middle of the night,” Garrett said softly as Pat picked up the phone. “Yeah, I need you to come stay here for a while. The kids are all asleep, they won’t be a bother.” He paused as Pat gave a response. “Pat I don’t care that you haven’t showered. I really don’t. You can shower here, just get here ASAP, okay?” Garrett rolled his eyes at his friend’s conversation. “Alright, thanks. See you in ten minutes.”

“Thank you,” I whispered to Garrett. He nodded and kissed the top of my head.

“Why don’t you sit down while we wait for him to get here?” I sat down on the bed and the next thing I knew, it was the next morning and there was a monitor beeping and an IV dripping into my arm.

“What happened?” I asked Garrett sleepily. He reached out to hold my hand. “Is it bad news? Garrett?” I looked down taking in that my stomach was flatter than it had been. A smile crossed his lips and he shook his head ‘no.’

“No, you guys were lucky,” he smirked.

“Where is the baby?”

“You mean our son?” I nodded, I had chosen not to find out what I was having this time. He crossed the room to lift the infant out of the plastic basinet.

“He’s perfect,” I smiled as he was placed in my arms.

“Yeah,” Garrett laughed, “he’s perfect but nameless.” I smiled and rocked him back and forth.

“Trent. He has a name. We discussed names a while back and he has a name. And I think it suits him.” Garrett nodded in agreement and sat down on the bed.

“Trent Michael Nickelsen,” he smiled. I rocked our son back and forth for what felt like hours admiring how tiny his fingernails were.

I look back on the last six years of my life and can’t believe how much has changed. Six years ago I was kidnapped and raped. Seven years ago I was packing up all of my things and coming back to Tempe because I hated the place that my mother called home. Seven years ago I hadn’t even imagined any of this. And now I had it all.