It's All a Blur Last Night

As soon as the beach came into view and we parked, I had a flashback.

"Love, wake up. We're here," Gabriel whispered into my ear. I had fallen asleep in the car.

William, Alyssa, Travis, Erica, Elena, Marcus, my boyfriend, and I had driven from Las Vegas to California for a massive rave. Massives are raves that hold anywhere from a few thousand to over a hundred thousand people. EDC, or Electric Daisy Carnival, was one of the most attended raves all year. This year 40,000 people showed up on the first day and 90,000 were there the second. Needless to say, all of us were pumped.

Erica had insisted we go to the beach since it was her 20th birthday today. Everyone but me was over eighteen. Marcus and the birthday girl disappeared as soon as the van stopped. Gabriel helped me out of the third row, while William and Alyssa walked off to go smoke weed. Elena and Travis each lit a cigarette and I asked them to light me one, too. Gabriel sighed at my nicotine addiction, but didn't say anything. The four of us walked the beach while talking about what the next couple of days would bring. This was my first massive, and I was so stoked.

"Sari? Wanna go in the water?" Elena asked. I nodded with a smile.

We both stripped off our clothes before diving head first into the warm, blue water. The sun shone down on our happy moment. Travis and Gabriel laughed at the two of us from the shore. I splashed Alyssa lightly and soon it turned into a splash war. All of a sudden, I couldn't breath. My limbs struggled to move. I couldn't touch the bottom and my head slipped under the water. I sunk like a stone down, down, down...

Water burst from my mouth and my eyes flew open. I still couldn't see even though my eyes were wide open. My body sat straight up and I doubled over and threw up the remaining water in my lungs and stomach. Hands patted my back and someone was whispering to me that it would be okay. My vision cleared and Gabriel's face came into view.

"Shush, love. It's alright. Everything's okay. You just slipped under for a moment. I grabbed you out of the water and towed you to shore," he said softly while holding me into his chest. I sobbed a little and clung to him.

"I'm right here, love. I won't leave you. Nothing's going to hurt you, I'm here," The words from the flashback echoed out in my brain.

Strong hands shook me out of my reverie. Through tear-filled eyes I saw Amy's worried form sitting on my lap. She held me tightly and rocked me back and forth. I asked myself if things were going to get any better. I highly doubted this would get easier.

"Shush, sweetie. I swear to you that I will do anything I can to help you get through this. You will remember everything from the past three years. We'll go see Jamie, Jess, Will, and Elena. I call Will and get him to come back for a little while. Alexandre will help you to remember the love-struck parts. We'll visit Kat and Gabriel's graves. Do not worry yourself to death. Things will be fine," she murmured into my ear.

We spent the waning twilight hour on the swings by the shore. Alexandre remained aloof as Amelia filled me in on the trivial things I did not remember. He just sat on the brick-wall dividing the street and beach and texted. A couple of my rave kids had landed themselves in rehab or jail. This did not surprise me in the least. We didn't have a very long life-span nor a good reputation with cops. Ravers are not naive children or drug addicted thieves. Well, most of us.

"You yourself actually ended up in rehab in December 2011," Amy informed me, "After Kat died you threw yourself into hard drugs. You were doing more acid than Elena and Travis combined. I caught you numerous times doing H with Erik.Your mom was oblivious, but I wasn't as stupid as her. My mom found you on my bathroom floor one morning with a needle sticking out of your arm. You had over-dosed on coke, oddly enough."

"Which place was I sent to? Spring Mountain, Desert Willow, West Care?" I asked cautiously.

"Desert Willow," she said with a horrific shudder. That place was reserved for hard addicts, lunatics, and other unmentionables.

I vaguely remembered a white room with a cot that had restraints. I tried not to think of the time I had spent in that "loony bin". A little while later my stomach rumbled loudly. It seemed like my appetite hadn't changed.

"How about we go out to dinner with Jamie and his roommates?" Amy suggested while getting up from her swing. I nodded in agreement and Alexandre was still quiet.

"Darling? Are you okay?" I asked him as we walked to the cars. He shrugged absentmindedly. Amy took the hint and said she'd meet us at my car. I pulled him down on to a bench with me.

"Please, talk to me. What's wrong? You haven't said a word since we got here."

"I'm afraid that if you remember everything that you won't want to be with me. Especially if Will comes back. You were so distraught when Amy told you about Gabriel. I don't want to lose you," he said into his hands. I set myself in his lap and held my boyfriend tightly.

"I won't leave you. Yes, I was upset about Gabriel, but I had been dating him. The last day I remember was the day he died. I don't even remember his fucking funeral. Do you know how horrible I feel? I can't remember the last thing I told Kat. If I had even told her I loved her before she died. Did Gabriel know how much I cared about him? He was my rock while you were gone. I had no one, Alexandre. Will was distant, Amy had other friends, Elena was off her rocker. Kat and Gabriel were all I had," I explained with a lump in my throat.

Alexandre nodded into my chest and clutched me to him. He mumbled that he was sorry for being such an asshole. I kissed his forehead before standing. We walked back to Amy hand-in-hand. She smiled at our linked hands and suggested that maybe we see Jamie another night. Since I didn't trust myself to drive again, I handed Amy my keys before climbing into the yellow Lambo. Slipknot met my ears as Alexandre started the car. We made small talk on the long ride home. After about ten minutes, his phone rang loudly. The caller ID said, "Jessica (Jimmy's Hot Friend)." I raised my eyebrows at that.

"Hello?" he answered.

"I can't talk right now," Alexandre said after she spoke.

"Yeah, maybe. Let me call you back when I get home. I'm driving with Sari," he quickly disconnected.

"Who was that?" I asked.

"Oh, no one. Just this girl who wants to be our merch girl," he told me distractedly. I noticed that he was lying.

"I thought I was your merch girl?" I remembered that I had done merch for all their tours.

"Well, we might need some extra help on this next tour. Let's just drop it, kay? I want tonight just to be about you and me. No business."

I said nothing the rest of the way home. My hand turned up the music so that no conversation could be made. Questions boiled in my mind. Was he cheating on me again? Wait, again? Memories flooded back about how Alexandre had slept with a make-up artist a few tours ago. Anger collected in my stomach and a sour look found my face. I decided that when Alexandre fell asleep or took a shower that I would get her number out of his phone. We finally parked in the garage and I stomped upstairs to the apartment. I slammed the front door before he could reach it and went in the kitchen to make something to eat.

"What happened?" Amy asked from the couch. She was watching MTV and sipping a soda.

"Nothing. We'll talk later," I gave her a look as Alexandre walked in the door.

"Jimmy just called. He needs me to come over so I can look over some posters for the tour. Do you mind if I leave for a couple of hours? I'll be back around nine," he asked while plopping himself down next to Amy. I huffed in annoyance.

"I guess. I mean I lose my memory last night and it's only our anniversary. Sure you can go out with Jimmy. Why can't he just come here?" I spat with more venom than necessary.

"Jesus Christ, chill out. His car's broken. I'm gonna take a shower," he threw his cell and wallet on the coffee table before stalking out of the room.