I Can Hear Your Voice of Treason From a Mile Away.

Bullet For My Valentine’s “Your Betrayal” was blaring through the speakers of my car as I pulled up to the Haner residence. Beside Suzy’s Honda Accord and Papa Gates’ big truck, there was another Hummer and a big F-150 double-cab truck parked in the driveway. I parked on the side of the road in front of their house and made my way up the sidewalk to the front door, where I knocked on the door before opening it.

No-one was in the living room or kitchen, so I figured they were outside on the patio. Walking through the living room to that big, clear sliding glass door was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. As soon as I even stepped in sight, a pair of dark chocolate eyes met with mine, and I was frozen. What had I gotten myself into?

Our intense stare felt like it lasted forever, but was merely seconds. Those few seconds were all it took for my insides to twist and my hidden feelings to show their selves. All the pain—that deep, agonizing pain from five years ago—that I had tried so hard to forget came rushing back in a matter of seconds. The saddest part was the fact that no matter what I did, who I met, or where I went, I’d always remember what those chocolate orbs did to me; how they made me feel. They were tattooed in my mind like scars from a car crash. No amount of love from another man would change that. I was stuck with the scars and battle wounds for all my life.

As I quickly averted my eyes, I realized that my ex-husband wasn’t the only one here that I didn’t want to see. His band mates were also here, sitting among his family at the outside lunch table on the patio, laughing and cutting up. Oh, I was screwed to the upmost level now.

Just as I slid the glass door open, the band’s rhythm guitarist turned to Dryden—with his septum piercing and snakebites—and asked him who his mother was. Before Dryden could open his mouth, I was outside with a hand on my hip and a hard expression. “That would be me,” I answered.

All heads turned to look at me, standing in my work clothes and a pair of black stilettos. My hair was pulled back into a sleek, platinum blond ponytail that reached to the middle of my back in length and gave me a sense of elegance. My choice of makeup for the day was dark, smoky eye shadow with Dior mascara that left my eyes looking bright and mysterious.

I watched as 7 smiles developed and four frowns faced me.

Suzy smiled at me, like she always did. She got up to give me a tight, motherly hug before grabbing my hand to pull me closer. “Oh, you guys remember Starr, don’t you?” Suzy always had a way of making the tension in a room disappear, even if only a little bit.

Papa Gates spoke up first, smirking at me. “I sure do. How’ve you been, gorgeous?” He asked, smiling at me. “I swear you get prettier and prettier every time I see you.”

I rolled my eyes, jokingly. “You’re such a liar, Papa Haner.” This time, he rolled his eyes at me.

Brent Haner was next, with his charm and adorable smile. “Twinkle, baby, you have got to visit more often. I just can’t stand being away from you for so long.” He picked me up off the ground with his arms around my waist and twirled me around with a big smile on his face.

“Brent Haner, you put me down right now.” I cried, shocked by him picking me up. I hated being picked up, and Brent knew that.

“Damn, Woman. Do you eat enough? You’re as skinny as a stick!” He chuckled, setting me back on my feet—or heels, rather. He poked me in the stomach to emphasize his words.

“For your information, Brent Haner, I do.” I swatted at his hands as he tried to poke me, again.

McKenna came up next, bumping her older brother out of the way just so she could give me a hug. “I miss you, Starr.” She whispered into my neck.

Her words pulled at my heartstrings. Little McKenna was like a little sister to me. When Brian and I were first dating, I just fell in love with his sister. She reminded me so much of myself when I was her age. Before I got pregnant with Dryden, I used to go over to Brian’s parents’ house all the time, just to get McKenna—and Suzy if she was home—and take them places. Once I was pregnant, though, those kinds of things were just useless, since I got tired so easily. I still tried to do those things, but it just wasn’t the same.

“I know, Mickey,” I wrapped my arms around her petite frame and squeezed her, much like her mother had done to me. “And I’m sorry. I promise I’ll try to come down more often to see you.”

People usually called McKenna Kenny or just Kenna, but I liked to call her Mickey, and she loved it.

“So, Starr honey,” Suzy said, grabbing my attention. “Are you staying for dinner?”

Well crap! Did I really want to subject myself to that?

“Oh, I don’t know, Suzy.” I tried. “I really couldn’t. Dryden can, but I think maybe Colton and I should leave. We’re not family.”

“Oh, nonsense Starr,” Suzy waved her hand as if to say ‘whatever’. “You and Colton should stay. We consider you family.”

“Please, Mom,” Dryden popped up, dragging out the ‘ease’ in please so it came out in a begging manner.

“Yeah, please Starr,” McKenna begged. “Please stay for dinner.”

Then, Papa Gates opened his mouth and broke my heart. “Why don’t you and the boys just stay for a couple days?” I could feel my heart beating against my ribcage as the words left his mouth and registered in my mind. I could hear them loud and clear as they repeated over and over again in my head, bouncing across the mass amount of space in my head.

Stay . . .

Couple Days . . .

You guys remember Starr, don’t you?

Please Mom . . .

I miss you, Starr.

Starr, I love you. . .

No!

I was not about to have a mental freak-out, not right now, not in front of these people! I could do this! What’s a couple days going to do?

“Sure, I guess.” I nodded, still unsure of the choice. “If you’re sure you don’t mind.”

“Wouldn’t have asked if I did, Starr,” Papa Haner told me, sternly.

I put my hands up in a surrendering motion. “I just don’t want to intrude. I mean, it looks like you were catching up with . . . the guys, and I know you haven’t seen them in a while.”

“Starr, honey, just stop. You are not going to get out of this, and that’s final.” Suzy was sort of scary when she was stern with people.

“Um, okay. I guess I’ll just go make some phone calls, then.” I excused myself and went inside the house to cool down. My head was swimming with confusion and worry as I locked myself in the bathroom. What in the world did I get myself into? How was I supposed to survive with five of my biggest critics in the same house? These were people I was never good enough for, people who didn’t care to notice me, people I committed four years of my life to trying to please. It was a lost cause. Someone was leaving this house with nothing but agony, and I pray to God it isn’t me because I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

I heard someone come in from outside but thought nothing of it as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. “You can do this, Starr,” I whispered to the blond staring back at me. “You’re over all that stuff he put you through. You’re stronger, tougher, wiser, and older. You can do this. I can do this.” Deep down, I knew it was all a lie. I wasn’t over what I went through during my marriage, or after even. It was all there, fresh in my memory, stuck in my head to haunt me. I hated myself for not being able to forget it. I wanted to, so bad, but I couldn’t It was sketched into my eyelids and burned into my dreams. I would never be able forget the torment or the mental abuse I went through.

A knock sounded against the door, making me jump. I wasn’t expecting it. “Hang on; I’ll be right out,”

“Starr,” I heard the person sigh. “We need to talk.”

Now? After all these years? Was he on drugs?

When I opened the door, I came face to face with his 6-foot-something frame. We were barely 2 inches apart as our eyes locked; deep, chocolate orbs to bright, emerald greens. “We have nothing to talk about, Brian. After five years, all I have to say is . . . go screw yourself.”

“Starr, come on! That’s not fair!” He stated, gripping my arm as I tried to walk away.

“Not Fair? That’s plenty fair. I’ll tell you what’s not fair, though: all the crap you put me through during our marriage. Not to mention what you let your buddies out there put me through. Don’t talk to me about what’s fair. I wasted four years of my life thinking things weren’t fair. And here you come, five years later, saying we need to talk. Well Brian, it’s a little late for that, don’t cha think?”

“God, Starr, why are you so stubborn?! I just figured we should talk. Is that such a crime? I haven’t seen you since you pushed the divorce papers in my face!”

“Yes, Brian, it is a crime! You were fucking messing around with Michelle behind my back! I wasn’t about to stay with you, knowing that you’d just want to be with someone else, not when I had a child to take care of!”

“He was my child too, Starr! You had no right to take him off to another country, where I couldn’t see him!”

“You didn’t even have anything to do with him half the time! Colton’s dad had more to do with Dryden than you ever did! Therefore, I think I had every right! I took care of him while you went out partying and drinking. I was there for his first steps, his first word, and his first crawl. You weren’t there for any of it, and I’d really hate to know how that feels because it’s gotta feel bad. I feel sorry for you, Brian, I really do. You missed so much of your son’s life, and you have no-one but yourself to blame.” I shook his grip off my arm and turned to walk away.

Brian placed his hand against the wall next to me, blocking my way. “We have to talk about this, Starr.”

I turned my head to glare at him. “No, Brian. I’m done talking to you. The only time I ever want to talk to you is if it’s about our son. Anything else can be forgotten. I won’t waste another breath on you or your friends because I just get hurt.”

“Starr, I’ve changed. I’m not like that anymore—”

“Brian Haner, you will never change. You will always be that same self-centered egomaniac I left five years ago. And I will always be that same self-conscious girl that let you walk all over her and treat her like shit. I was never good enough for you to love—only good enough for you to knock up.”

“That’s not true, Starr, I loved you!”

“No you didn’t, Brian! You never did; I’ve accepted it—why can’t you?!”

“Because, I did love you!”

“Well, you never showed it!” I glared at him with all the hatred I could muster up, before shoving his hand out of my way.

When I walked back in the living room, I discovered everyone was sitting there, except for Suzy and Papa Gates. McKenna, Dryden, and Colton were also gone. “Oh, um, where’s Suzy and them?” I questioned, wiping under my eyes. I was on the verge of tears, but I was doing everything in my will power not to cry in front of these people.

“She and dad took McKenna and the boys to the park.” Brent answered. “Are you okay, Starr? You look like you’re about to cry.”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine.” I nodded. “I think I’ll just take a walk on the beach. I’ll—uh—be back later.”

As soon as I was outside, I slid my heels off and took off running towards the shoreline. The feeling of white hot sand felt great against my feet as I ran. It was a feeling I had missed.

I could spend hours on the beach, running and dancing along the shoreline where the current could swallow and spit out my feet. The beach had always been my haven, the place I could retreat to whenever the need came. I didn’t realize just how much I missed it ‘til I got a sniff of the salty air and felt the sand in my toes.

I stayed out by myself on the beach, breathing in the calm air, for what felt like hours when I finally decided to go back inside.