Cut and Run

Justin and Alex had begun getting along fantastically. Justin allowed Alex over every night and he even asked if I wanted him to spend the night. I didn’t, of course. But I promised Alex that soon enough I’d be able to let him without freaking out in the middle of the night. As it was, I was still dealing with nightmares. Still waking up in the middle of the night with flashbacks. I would scream and Justin would come in and kiss my hair, rocking me back to sleep. It happened every night for a month, now it had lessened to only twice or so a week.

Like it was right now. But I thought it was real….

He knocked on the door. The dark purple sheets I was tangled in were instantly pulled tighter against my skin. I was in eternal darkness. I don’t know where the door was, but suddenly he appeared. My father. He moved to the bed and yanked at the sheets. I locked my legs, tightening my thighs as he was suddenly naked. His erection pressed tight where my legs were practically glued together. He growled rude things towards me. Tears dripped from my eyes as he shoved my legs apart roughly.

And then I screamed.

And then I screamed. Justin appeared soon and slipped his arms around me, pressing light kisses against my head. I shuddered until I fell back into a light slumber.

I awoke without another dream and texted Alex. Another dream. When are you coming today? Can you spend the night?

I’ll be there in an hour with a bag and toothbrush. Freddy’s coming but we’ll drop her off later. I love you.

I love you too.

I figured that with my love by my side, I may be able to get a decent nights sleep without fear of an interruption. I stretched my arms above my head and popped my back. I hit play on my iPod docking station and some song by Heyhihello began to play. I didn’t know it very well so I only sang along lightly, skipping a few words here and there.

I went around my room, picking it up and then opened my drawers and picked out a pair of running shorts, orange Under Armor, and a black t-shirt. Then I grabbed up a pair of No Ride underwear and a sports bra. I was going to make Alex and Freddy go running with me. Actually…I could go on a thirty minute run and then make them wait on me to get out of the shower when they got here.

I quickly changed clothes and tied my running shoes on. Justin had bought me these just over a month ago and they were finally worn in. This would be a comfortable run. I slipped my house key and phone into my pocket and grabbed my iPod and headphones. I tightened my ponytail, slipped a headband on, and flipped off my light.

Justin was sitting at the kitchen bar, drinking coffee and smacking on pancakes. A glass of orange juice sat near him. I snuck up behind him and put my face into the bite he was taking. “Yum!”

He made a face. “Jerk.”

I took a gulp of his orange juice. “Ew! Pulp! Weirdo!” I slid the glass back across the counter and took out the No Pulp and sipped at about of cup of it until it was gone. I grabbed my water backpack from the tiny laundry room and filled it with icy water and slipped it onto my back. I buckled it in the front and slipped the tube around my shoulders.

I popped my neck, grabbed my chap stick, and kissed Justin’s cheek. “Alex and Freddy will be here in a little bit; I’ll try to be back before then to take a shower.”

“Okay. Be careful. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I applied some chap stick and stuck it in the side pocket of my water backpack. I shut the door behind me and laced my headphones through the tiny loop on the water tube-thingy so if they fell they wouldn’t hit the ground. I plugged them in my ears and scrolled to my 30 Min Running Playlist and hit a new song I had just added.

Run, Don’t Walk by Hey Monday.

I started off at a slow pace as the song began. I decided quickly to stay near the apartments, just run around in them. I stopped all thoughts and let myself be consumed by the music.

I am restless, and I keep trembling
Everyone watch me as I descend
Into a feeling that's overwhelming me
I finally stopped, stopped making sense

I can't stop talking to myself, I'm a desperate cry for help

Run don't walk the sky is falling through
Don't talk, tonight I'm so confused
I'm lost, I'm lost with you
I don't care where we are, or where were headed to
But I know I'm lost, I'm lost with you, with you

Your mouth keeps moving
But I've lost focus now
Clock keeps ticking, times running out
Where were headed there is no heading back
Tripped and ugly I'm losing ground

I can't stop talking to myself, I'm a desperate cry for help

Run don't walk the sky is falling through
Don't talk, tonight I'm so confused
I'm lost, I'm lost with you
I don't care where we are, or where were headed to
But I know I'm lost, I'm lost with you, with you

For the record, when I'm with you
Things are looking better for once
Everything is brighter than the darkness before you

Run don't walk the sky is falling through
Don't talk, tonight I'm so confused
I'm lost, I'm lost with you

Run don't walk the sky is falling through
Don't talk, tonight I'm so confused
I'm lost, I'm lost with you
I don't care where we are, or where were headed to
But I know I'm lost, I'm lost with you

About twenty seven minutes later, the playlist ended and I was back at the door to the apartment. Seeing as Justin had left, I used my house key and stripped off my sweaty running clothes. I placed my iPod on the bathroom docking station and hit the Shower Mix. Yes, I have a playlist for everything.

As I started scrubbing strawberry shampoo into my hair, 23 Days began.

Your kiss was the perfect drug
It gave me the perfect high
How can cheaters fall in love?
They all deserve to die

I need to feel you again
I need your lips on my skin
For one night I could be him
Or I could be better

In your eyes, I thought I saw tomorrow
Now all I see is wasted time

Can we pretend its always been okay?
We never lost it all, lost it all
Can we pretend we never let this fade?
We never lost it all, lost it all

Time's not much of a friend
After 23 days
My patience has reached its end
But I'd take you back anyway

Hold your breath
You make the perfect sounds
This is what love is made of
And baby you've been missing out

In your eyes, I thought I saw tomorrow
Now all I see is wasted time.

Can we pretend its always been okay?
We never lost it all, lost it all
Can we pretend we never let this fade?
We never lost it all, lost it all

Let's reintroduce our shadows
Watch them become one
This room is out of oxygen
And I'm not nearly done

The familiar taste of your body
Is how I know this is right
I'm not asking for tomorrow
I'm just asking for tonight

Can we pretend its always been okay?
We never lost it all, lost it all
Can we pretend we never let this fade?
We never lost it all, lost it all

The familiar taste of your body
Is how I know this is right
I'm not worried about tomorrow

Just as it had with the running playlist, the songs ended as I finished putting my clothes on, perfectly timed.

Routines.

Shit I’d become one of THEM. The people who plan everything. Ugh. I’d have to change that.

The doorbell rang over the loud purr of the hairdryer and I turned it off and turned the Getting Ready playlist down a little, singing along to Trapt as I made my way to the door. I opened it wide. “Alex!” I cried.

Then, “Oh shit.”

It wasn’t him.

I ran a hand over my head. “Hey Samuel.”