Aim for the Throat

Brendon tapped his pencil thoughtfully against his chin as he read through his textbook. He'd been working on a teaching degree on and off while on tour and finally he had all the time in the world to finish it. So that's what he was doing.

Brendon's phone started to vibrate on the side of his desk, where he had lazily set it. Buzzing against the hard wood and the screen illuminated. He picked it up, still staring down at the book, and he realized his hand ached from writing as he pressed the talk button.

"Hello?" He asked, a soft sigh escaped his lips as he looked up from the desk and his blurry eyes adjusted to read the digital clock by his bed, a good ten feet from where he was sitting. It was 10: 43 PM.

"Hey Brendon." His heart skipped a beat. Ryan.

The two hadn't talked much since the initial split of their band two summers ago. There was no bad blood between Brendon and Ryan, that'd be impossible with a bond like theirs. They had simply grown apart.

"Hey. Long time, no talk." He mused before standing up and stretching. He left his room, his study area as it had now become, flicked off the lights, and let his bare feet patter down the thick carpeted hallway into his kitchen.

"Yeah," Ryan gave an airy laugh and sat on the edge of his bed, moonlight faded from where it emerged from his window by the bright lights of his apartment. He nervously rubbed the back of his neck and bit his lip lower lip, "So I heard you and Spencer are quitting Panic, huh? " He asked.

In his heart he hoped it wasn't true. Even though it had been a long time since he's been in the band in question, the idea of it falling apart all together was like watching his youth crumble before his eyes. He loved the band even if he "outgrew" it. He needed to hear it from Brendon’s mouth. Myspace blogs and internet tabloids weren’t enough to convince his hopeful heart.

"Yeah...Did you hear why? Like the real reason?” Brendon shoved a hand in his pocket and prayed if Ryan had heard that he wouldn't judge too harshly. Brendon removed his hand from his pocket, wringed them, then glanced down the hall towards Cohen’s room, the door was slightly opened.

Ryan furrowed his eyebrows. He hadn’t thought of much of a reason. He figured they were just done or couldn’t do it anymore, “What do you mean?”

“I um,” Brendon sighed and finally decided to come right out and say it, “I’m a daddy.”

“W-what?” Ryan stammered. As far as he’d heard, Brendon hadn’t had a girlfriend in a while. He supposed Brendon, as well as the rest of them, had been guilty of the occasional hook up, but, it still caught him by surprise.

“Yeah… This girl I slept with in high school, Loraine, I guess she got pregnant. It was a one-night thing and we weren’t close or anything. She didn’t find out she was going to have him until after graduation and that’s when we started touring. She didn’t bother to find me but, she passed away a while back, I guess there was a car accident. Her parents don’t want the kid and they figured out I’m next of kin.” Ryan sat in silence for a moment.

“Woah.” Was all he could manage in response. He thought it was strange that when they first met Brendon had lied about his virginity. Still, Ryan shrugged it off and didn't bother to question it.

“Yeah… His name is Cohen, looks a lot like me. He’s around five years old now.” Ryan grinned imagining a small Brendon causing havoc. “Sweet kid, too.” Ryan could tell even through the phone Brendon was smiling.

“Wow… First I couldn’t believe you guys were quitting the band and now this.” Ryan gave a small laugh, partially out of shock and partly out of relief. As sad as he was about the end of Panic! At the Disco, the reason behind it eased his heart.

“I know, I was a little upset but I think I’ve worn out that career anyway. I was already working on a teaching degree, I think I’d be good at that.”

“I could believe that.” Ryan states as a small grin covered his face, “Wow, things are really changing I guess.”

"Yeah. Remember all those nights on tour we had together?" Brendon laughed softly and Ryan grin cracked into a smile as well.

"We were insane, but not in the cool rock star way."

"No, more like the immature teenagers wanting to destroy shit way." Brendon finished and they both shared a laugh.

"I kind of miss it. I definitely miss you," Ryan paused and shook his head before adding, "And Spencer."

"Yeah, we should all hang out some time."

"For sure." Ryan agreed before Jon walked in, dressed and ready to go perform, "Hey I got to go, but I'll talk to you later, Bear." He insured his friend, smiling at the pet name that he had almost found unfamiliarity with.

"Yeah, okay. Bye Ry." They both hung up with a feeling they had mostly forgotten about.

Ryan followed Jon out to the car, where they chattered mindlessly, while in the back of Ryan's mind he was elsewhere. He was onstage in his rose vest with elaborate stage make-up and struggling to stay focused as Brendon plants a kiss on his neck. For show, of course. Ryan was curled up on the couch in the tour bus, Brendon on one side, Spencer and Jon on the other, leaned against the young singer as all four enjoy a movie together. Ryan was sharing a hotel room with Brendon as they both crawl into their own beds and tried to sleep, with a strong charge of something more in the air, but no action being taken.

Brendon walked to his refrigerator and grabbed a glass from earlier that day off the counter and filled it with filtered water. He brought the glass to his lips and stood thinking. He thought about how he knew him and the guys would never all meet up to hang out because something always got in the way. He thought about how much he missed Ryan and how just hearing his voice has made him feel as if he was floating. He thought about Ryan's eyes and was sickened with the thought that he didn't remember just how they looked.

Ryan gave Jon a confident nod before he walked onto the stage and introduced himself.

Brendon set the glass down, walked back to his bedroom, and decided to call it a night.

Both boys continued to think about what could have been, what should have been, and what would have been. They replayed every moment that held so much promise. Every near kiss. Every near confession, but no declaration of love.

Ryan threw himself into the music, washing out all those thoughts, which he hoped never to be pondered upon again.

Brendon closed his eyes and hoped he won't dream of those possibilities tonight.

They both ignored the nagging pain in their hearts because all of that is in that past and they will never have the opportunity again. They both knew because nothing ever happened, that nothing ever would. They would simply go their own ways.