H.B. and Gypsy

“Ready yet, Doll?” I yell to him.

We were getting ready for a night out I guess. I had told him that I wanted to just get away, so he suggested that we should go downtown somewhere. Not somewhere with a whole lot of people though, that makes landon nervous. I asked him what would be okay and he was open to pretty much everything. We decided on this little coffee shop/diner place right on the edge of town.

He leaned out the door with a goofy grin on his face. “A-Almost!”

I walked over to him, and saw what was taking him so long. Landon was standing in front of my mirror staring at two t-shirts in front of him. One Black. One White. He didn’t know which one to choose. I just started laughing at him.

“Landon, that has to be the gayest thing Ive seen you do so far.” I laugh and cover my mouth. He slaps me.

“You’re th-the one who t-told me just t-two weeks ago that y-you thought you m-might be gay t-too!” He laughs and goes back to the t-shirts. I huff and stand there defeated. He was right. At least I didn’t act gay though.

“You are actually gay though. Im not sure yet.” I try and argue with him although, I was pretty fucking sure already. I was slowly but surely falling for the boy right in front of me.

He just rolls his eyes. “F-fine. Which o-one should I w-wear?” He turned to me, waiting for my opinion.

Honestly, He would look good in both of them. He would pretty much look good in anything. I walk over to the two shirts and observe.

“White.” I say.

“White i-it is, th-then.” He smiles and slips on the t-shirt. He observes himself in the mirror one last time and finishes with, “R-ready.” He grabbed my hand and we made our way out of my house.

The coffee shop was only a half a mile from our street, so it was a short walk. When we walked inside, landon slowly grabbed my hand tighter and walked slightly behind me. What was he doing? Was he feeling nervous to be around people again? Poor thing has a hard time being around strangers. I stopped and turned to him. I whispered to him so only he could hear me.

“Whats wrong, doll?” I ask him.

He just looks at me with a shy glance. And whispers in my ear, so no one else could hear his stutter, “Some o-one over th-there i-is staring a-at me…”

What?

I follow his eyes to this group of highschoolers. A couple girls and three guys. One of the girls was looking at landon up and down.

You don’t have a fucking chance,sweetheart.

I swear, in my mind I almost heard a growl. Ha. I just give the girl a sharp look and grab landons hand. We walked away and sat in an open booth in the corner. “Just don’t look at her, sugar.” I smile at him. He nods. “She just thinks you’re hot.” I smile at him. His eyes go wide and he blushes.

“N-no…” He whispers to me. He just took my hand that he was holding and starts playing with my fingers. I laugh.

“I believe so, Landon. Look at her.” I say and tilt my head in the direction of the girl’s table. Landon looks up slowly and, sure enough, she was still looking at landon through her hair with a curious smile on her fake barbie doll face. Ew.

Landon quickly looked back down and then at me. “I w-wish she w-would stop.”

“Do you want to leave?” I ask him softly. I wanted tonight to be a good night for him. Not an uncomfortable one.

He just shakes his head and looks at the menu. “I’ll l-live…” He shoots me a smile and continues looking at the menu.

“Ok, if you say so…” I laugh and look down at my menu.

I decide on a coffee and a buttermilk spice muffin. Landon asked me what I wanted and once he heard that, he decided he would get the same thing. Except he wanted extra milk in his coffee.

Our waiter walked up to us finally.

“Hey, Im Cal, what can I get you guys?” He smiled. Landon smiled back at him and then looked down.

Hm.

“Hi, I would like a buttermilk spice muffin and a coffee please.” I begin.

He jots down my order and looks up at landon. “And what would you like?” He smiled softly at landon. He looks nervously at me and I speak up for him. “Oh, he’ll like the same thing as me. But he wants some extra milk in his coffee.” I add politely. The waiter nods and curiously flickers his eyes between me and landon, as if he was wondering why landon didn’t say anything.

“Cool. Ill be back as soon as its ready.” He smiles, only at landon, and walks away. I narrowed my eyes in the waiter’s direction and then l looked over at landon He was blushing and playing with the sleeve of his jacket, looking at his lap. For some reason, I think landon maybe has a little crush on this guy. I feel a murmured pain in my heart.

“Landon?” I question and raise an eyebrow at him. I tried to hide the jealous sadness in my voice.

He looks up at me. Yep. There was a cherry tint on his cheeks. He was blushing.

“Why are you blushing?” I ask him quietly. He just looks away and shakes his head.

“Its n-nothing…” He was still slightly smiling to himself. I furrow my brow at him. It definitely doesn’t look like “nothing”.

“Come on, I know you too well. Don’t try and hide it.” I say to him with a fake laugh. I actually felt like dying with jealously. I wanted to be the one to make landon feel like that. Not some waiter.

“H-hide what?” He glances nervously at me.

“You think he’s hot.” I say matter-of-factly. He covers his face and then whispers to me.

“It’s th-that obvious?” He admits with a warmer shade on his cheeks. I feel like shit…I knew this would happen sometime.

I nervously laugh at him. “Yeah. It is, love.”

“O-oh…”

“I think the feeling is mutual.” I add with dreary tone and look over at the waiter who was glancing at landon over and over again from the kitchen. This was very slowly beginning to drag down my night with him.

He looked in the direction of my eyes and saw Cal standing there. He giggled and hid his face. “N-no way…”

“Yes way.” I correct him. I look over at Cal again and he looks down quickly.

Yea, you better look down, asshole.

Landon just started to anxiously tear his napkin up into shapes.

“Damn, Landon, People are flocking to you tonight…” I comment softly. “Did you wear a special cologne you arent telling me about?” I try and joke, but I still feel jealous strings being tugged in my heart.

He rolled his eyes and laughed at me softly. “N-no. People are j-just…whatever…”

“Well, look at you, Landon. Its not that surprising…” I comment indifferently. He looked up at me.

“W-what?” He stumbles.

“Oh, Nothing…” I whisper, looking down. He stared at me for a second and tilted his head.

“A-are you o-ok?” He asked me kindly. I glanced up at him and gave him a weak smile. I grabbed his hand.

“Yea, Im just getting a bit of a headache. Do you mind if we go once we get our order?” I lie to him softly. Well, actually I wasn’t really lying. I was getting a headache, but for different reasons then he might think.

He just looked at me sweetly and nodded. “Of c-course. L-lets watch a m-movie in my r-room, ok?” He smiled. I nodded and gave his cheek a kiss. Just as I pulled away, Cal was standing at our table with our plates.

“Here you go.” He gives us an awkward smile and set down our things.

“Thanks. Is it ok if we pay now? We’re kind of in a hurry.” I ask him with a fake grin.

“Uh, sure. No problem.” He stumbles politely.

“Thanks.” I set the right amount on the table and grab landons hand. I grab our bag with our muffins and landon carries our drinks.

“Have a good night.” Cal tries to smile at us, but just as we were walking out he gives a shy wave to landon. Landon smiled and waved back as I walked with him out the door. I felt like letting go of landons hand. Not because I didn’t want to hold his hand, but because I feel like he would rather be holding that Cal guy’s hand. It fucking sucked…

Just as we were turning on our street, I slip my hand out of his and put my hands in the pockets of my jeans. He looked at me curiously,and then looked back down at the sidewalk as we approached his house. He looked slightly sad.

There I go, making him feel bad again. Im the worst friend ever.

We walked inside his house and greeted Mrs.Lee, then walked up to his room in silence. As soon as landon closes his door, he sits on his bed and nervously asks me something.

“A-are you m-mad at m-me, Ever?” He sounded so sad. He was tracing shapes on his jeans again. I don’t think he wanted to look at me.

I walked over and sat with him. “Of course im not, sugar…”

He was still staring at his hands. “I th-think you a-are…”

I sighed and held my head in my hands. He couldn’t know why Im feeling like this, because then he would probably never talk to me again. What was I suppose to say to him? “Oh, sorry Landon, Im just sad because I got jealous of the waiter you have a crush on.” God.

I look up at him. “Im not. I promise.”

“Th-then why are y-you acting like th-this?” He questions with sad eyes.

I look up at him slowly. “Like what?” I whisper.

“Y-you are just a-acting…weird t-towards me…” He worries. “D-did I do s-something w-wronge?” He whispered and tucked his knees up to his chest.

No. You do everything right. That’s the problem.

“Oh, love. No…” I sigh. I reached over to him and pulled him into my lap. He rested his head on chest slowly. Nervously. I push his hair back to calm him down. It works every time.

“Its just this whole gay thing…” I sigh. “I’m beginning to really think I am. I just feel like I need some kind of reassurance. Something to prove to me that I really am…you know…” I breath. He looks up at me.

“Im g-guessing you’ve n-never had an e-experience with a-a boy?” He questions slowly. I shake my head nervously. Where was he getting with this?

He just sat there in my lap, thinking. I was waiting anxiously for him to tell me what was going on in his mind.

“What are you thinking about?” I ask him nervously.

He timidly looks up at me. “W-well, I h-have an Idea…” He begins. I lift up his chin so he was looking at me.

“…and? What is it?” I prompt him. He looked so nervous.

“If y-you don’t w-want to, its o-ok, but u-um…” He tries to tell me but sighs at his own nerves. I just run my hand through his hair encouragingly. “I th-thought maybe I c-could help y-you see what i-its like to be w-with a b-boy…” He stumbles and looks at my hands he was currently playing with.

I think I almost felt my heart stop beating. Was he saying he would…no way.

“What do you mean, doll?” I ask him with a shaky voice.

“H-have you ever k-kissed a guy b-before?” He asked me.

Oh god.

“N-no…” I stutter. God, Im sounding like him right now. “Ive never kissed anyone…” I admit.

“M-me neither…” He whispers.

“What are you trying to say, doll?” I ask him quietly. He waits a minute or two and then slowly looks up at me. His cheeks were a strawberry shadow.

“Maybe w-we could g-go through this t-together…we c-could find out w-what it’s like t-together…” He offers to me.

Jesus. I think I just stopped breathing. Is he saying he wants to learn how to kiss…with me?

I could feel my hands shaking. I nervously gulped. He glanced up at me anxiously and tried scooting off me, “I-im sorry… I-I knew y-you wouldn’t want t-to…” He was almost off my lap, when I grabbed his waist and brought him to me. He looked at me cautiously.

“No, I do…But I don’t know what to say, Landon. Thank you.” I begin and he gives me a shy smile. “I just…I wouldn’t know what the fuck im doing…you know?” I tuck some hair behind his ear.

“I w-wouldn’t know e-either…” He trails off. “So, m-maybe we c-could learn…” He whispers.

FuckFuckFuckFuck…

“I…” I took in a shaky breath, “I don’t know…” I breath.

Ever, what the hell is your problem? Landon is offering to fucking kiss you and all you say is “I don’t know”? Get a grip… The voice in my head viciously whispers at me.

“I-its ok…w-we don’t have t-to.” He softly whispers and looks down.

“No, I want to.” I admit quickly. He looks up at me and tries to read my expression.

“Are y-you sure?” He asks he timidly.

“Absolutely.” I grab his hand and try and sound as confident as I possibly could. Even if I was shaking and stumbling over my words.

“O-okay…” He smiles and looks at me.

I have honest to god, never been this nervous in my 18 years of being alive.

“So, when do you want to…try?” I ask him.

He blushes and answers quietly, “W-what about n-now?”

Holy…fuck.

I feel my mouth go dry.

“I…um…” I gulp and nervously look up at him.

“Its o-ok, Ever,” He smiles softly at me, “I-im your b-best f-friend, you can t-trust me…” He runs his thumb down my cheek. He looked at me for another two seconds and then licked his lips.

Oh, jesus. He has no clue what he is doing to me.

“Im sorry, Im just so fucking nervous…” I admit and hide my face. I hear him giggle softly.

“M-me too.”

I pulled him closer to me and waited for him to so something. He was looking at me curiously and breathing quickly to himself. He must have been really nervous too…

“O-ok…” He sighed and smiles nervously at me. “I th-think i-im ready.” He whispers and his face slowly inches towards mine.

“Me t-too…” I stutter and let out a shaky breath I had been holding. He grasps my hand tighter and swallows slowly before beginning to lean into me timidly.

If my heart went any faster then it was already going, I would need a fucking ambulance.

I don’t know If I could handle this…I don’t know if I could handle kissing landon just once. It would be like torture to my heart. Just like giving me a taste of what I could never have.

I licked my lips nervously when his face was only about two inches from mine and my breath hitched my throat. Right when I felt his breaths against my lips, I push him away.

“W-wait…” I whisper nervously to him. He looked shot down.

“W-whats wrong?” He breathes.

“I…fuck…I don’t know.” I whimper.

“Lets j-just do i-it, Ever…It’ll b-be okay, I-I promise…” He whispers to me.

He was right.

I look at him and nod nervously. “O-okay…” I whisper.

He smiles and slowly leans in again.

And in no time, I felt his lips brush against mine. I didn’t know what to do, so I just leaned into him, doing what my instincts told me to do. He parted his lips slightly and began moving them against mine.

Oh god…I cant handle this.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and scoots closer to me with a sigh. I take his face in my hands finally begin gently kissing him back.

This cant be happening…The thought of me never getting to do this again makes me feel a sadness Ive never felt before. I don’t think I could bare it.

With one last second with him, I pull away with a whimper.

“Landon, we have to stop…”

He looks at me with dilated pupils and swollen lips. “W-why?” He breaths a half an inch away from my face.

He is breaking my heart…

“I…I like it too much.” I admit with a sigh. I hold my face in my hands and feel tears beginning to form. I sniff and feel landon lifting my chin up. He just looks at me with sad eyes for a minute, then leans into me.

He pressed his lips to mine and held my face with his hands. I couldn’t help but kiss him back again. It was…perfect. I felt some tears leaking out of my eyes and onto my cheeks. I cant be doing this. Its for all the wrong reasons. He doesn’t like me the same way I like him. It isnt fair…

I pull away slowly and wince from the loss of contact. “Im sorry…” I cry and hide my face. “I…” I hiccup a soft cry, “…cant handle it.”

He licked his lips again. “Cant h-handle wh-what?” He asks softly..

I look up at his blushing face and blood red lips. “Kissing you…” I whimper and hold him close to me.

He didn’t ask questions.

He didn’t make me explain.

We just stayed there on his bed, him running his hand through my hair soothingly and trying to hush my tears over and over again. I just kept apologizing and kissing his cheek, telling him that it wasn’t his fault.

I don’t know how much longer I could keep this from him.

“I’m sorry…” I sigh and lay down with him. He just curls up to me like usual and hugs my torso.

“Its o-ok…” He sounded sorrowful.

No its not.

Its not ok.