My Sweet Mistake.

I'm standing here, nervous as hell. Nervous for all the wrong reasons. I'm nervous because I should be thinking about her and how I'm about to commit myself to her for the rest of my life, but I can't stop thinking about you. Everything about you fills my head. I imagine your face in my mind, and it's the only one thing I can fully focus on.

I stand here, on the altar, with my back erect and my shoulders squared as I only half-watch her walk down the aisle. I force a smile to spread across my features. All I want to do is find you and tell you how lost I've been without you. I want you to wipe away my pathetic tears and hold me as you laugh at my stupidity. I know it's never going to happen again, but it's all I want. Not this.

I remember the first time I saw you. I was at a restaurant with her and I had just proposed to her in front of everyone. I felt like it was more a formality rather than something I actually wanted to do. We had been dating for five years and I knew she was getting impatient waiting for me to propose. I wasn't big on the idea of marriage, but I didn't want to lose her either. I was ordering more drinks for us at the bar when I noticed you. You were sitting a few chairs to the left of where I was standing. You were wearing a red and black plaid shirt, black as-tight-as-they-can-be skinny jeans and blue converse. You were sat with your back to the bar and you had a glass of Bombay Sapphire in your hand. Your eyes lifted to meet mine; you probably felt my gaze. I could see something in your eyes that just completely drew me in. You leaned across the chairs, closer to me. Even though there was a distant between us I could still smell the alcohol on your breath. Yet, I could feel a weird longing to get to know you.

"Congrats," Almost as soon as the word had fallen sloppily from your lips, one side of your mouth lifted up to form that half-smile that I would become very accustomed to soon enough. I nodded curtly and you settled back into your seat. I didn't see you again for a week. I remember stumbling over my words while trying to establish an excuse to tell her so I could leave the house. I told myself that if you weren't at the restaurant I'd leave and never think about it again. I never thought about what I would do if you were there - which you were.

Wearing pretty much the same get-up, I spotted you almost as soon as I walked into the room. You were sitting at the bar again with your shoulders slouched. Without thinking, I sat down beside you. You looked up at me, a smile lighting up your face. Your breath didn't smell so strongly of alcohol this time.

"You... you were here the other night. You got engaged." Your lips pulled back to reveal that half-smile again.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I did. Imagine seeing you here again." I placed my order with the bartender and tried to act nonchalant. We held up as much small talk as we could. There was a tension in the air - a tension I had only felt once or twice before in my life. The conversation had stopped and as I sipped my drink I could feel you scrutinizing me. I met your deep brown eyes and tried to figure what you were thinking. Your hand discreetly found it's way to my upper thigh and my breath got caught in my throat, almost like some glitch of the system.

"Just because you're engaged doesn't mean we can't... do anything, does it?" You whispered into my ear, and I remember being able to feel your soft lips brushing against my skin. A shiver ran quickly down my spine and I shook my head slightly. I could feel your lips curving into a smile against my ear. You sat back into your chair and I cleared my throat before announcing that I needed to go to "the men's room". Two minutes later, you followed suit.

What happened next I can never seem to remember clearly. For me, it's all just a blur of almost ravenous kisses, roaming hands and sweaty clothes in a filthy cubicle. You often said that you remembered the whole thing perfectly, but you never told me. You liked to keep that memory for yourself. I wish you had told me. Maybe then I'd have some recollection of our first kiss. But for me, our first real kiss didn't come until a few months after that.

Her father lets go off her arm and she plants a quick kiss on his cheek. I tell her how beautiful she looks and a big grin is planted on her face. I take her slender hand in mine as we turn to the priest. He begins the sermon and my heart starts to thump hard in my chest. The suit I'm wearing suddenly feels to tight and the air surrounding me too hot. I begin to tug on my collar. She gives me a questioning look, but I just smile.

Now comes the part where we say the vows. After much debating and arguing, we had decided to just stick with the traditional vows. I echo what the priest is saying whilst looking at her. I can't help thinking about how different today was supposed to be - how I'm not even supposed to be in this town right now. After she's finished mimicking him I slip the gold band on her tiny finger. She does the same for me and, once given the priests permission, I bring my lips to hers for a few seconds. Everyone starts applauding and we walk out of the church hand-in-hand with everyone watching us. This doesn't feel right. Nothing ever does anymore.

We started hanging out a lot after that night. You introduced me to your best friend, Zack, and I introduced you to mine, Rian. They both hit off and hung out pretty much non-stop after that. The four of us just kept getting closer and closer. For us two it wasn't just about the sex, though. Sometimes we would meet up just to talk and know that we wouldn't be judged no matter what was going to be said. I found comfort in your arms more times than I can count in that first month. She approved of our friendship and never thought twice about how close we had suddenly become. I can remember the night that you first questioned me about her.

"So... does she know you're gay?" You asked, biting your bottom lip in that little nervous habit you had.

"I'm not gay," I said almost straight away, without thinking.

"Jack. Please. We're not going to have one of those Broke-back Mountain moments of "I ain't queer. This is a one-shot thing we got goin' on here". We're not Jack Twist and Ennis Del Mar. Though, we might just be as good-looking as them," You were giggling slightly as you kissed me quickly.

"Who are you kidding? We're better looking! And, no, I meant I'm not gay. I'm bi. I still like women." I can remember exactly how you looked when you heard that, but I could never describe the expression well enough to do it justice. It was like a mixture of disappointment, with a twinge of happiness. I dipped my head down so my lips could meet yours to form a passionate kiss. The feeling of your hand running up my bare stomach sent every nerve in my body on edge. You're still the only person that can do that to me with a simple touch.

The next time we met up was three days later. I remember it all too clearly. It was pouring rain, past nine pm and she begged me not to go but I said I needed to. Which I did. You had become a drug to me. More than a few days without feeling your skin against mine was not something that I could handle. I remember how shocked you looked when I showed up on your doorstep, drenched to the skin. Water dripped from the ends of my hair and jacket, forming pools of wetness on your relatively dry "welcome" mat. Once you noticed this, you scrunched up your face in annoyance. I laughed at your expression, grabbed your face and pressed your lips to mine hastily. Your arms snaked around my waist, holding me close, not caring how wet I was. I broke away, gasping for air. You simply wore that lop-sided smile perfectly.

"Jack, what are you doing here?!" Your laugh made my heart pound harder than it should have. "I've missed you, but-"

"I miss you too," I blurted out quickly. I didn't have a chance to think about what I saying before the words were out of my mouth. I didn't want to, either. I didn't want to mess up the best thing that had happened to me. "If I didn't miss you, do you really think I'd be standing here, in the pouring rain, freezing my butt off?! Speaking of... Can I come in?" Almost immediately, you grabbed my right arm and pulled me into your small house, closing the door behind me. It was a simple house, not much to look at, but it was a house and that's all you needed.

"Alex, you're addictive. There's something about you that I can't quite put my finger on, but it's there. It was there the first night I met you, and it's still here now. As Jack Twist said, I wish I knew how to quit you." Your lips formed that beautiful half-smile at my words, and I swear that my heart skipped a beat. I shivered, the cold from the rain starting to seep into my bones. Immediately, your face became laced with concern. You opened your mouth to say something but I stopped you before you could.

"Lex, I love you," And that was it. I wasn't aware of badly I wanted to say those three words. As soon as I did, I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my chest. Instantly, your face light up and you flashed me a fully fledged smile.

"I love you too, douche bag," I burst out laughing; it was so damn typical of you to ruin a moment like that. Still, I had had my doubts that you would say the words to me that have seemed like a curse coming from her lips in the previous months. You moved closer to me, placing one hand on my neck and the other on my waist. I wrapped my arms around your torso, pulling you against me completely. If you felt the wetness from my clothes on yours you certainly did not show it. You kept your eyes locked on mine with an intensity that, had it been anyone else, would have made me uncomfortable. But I felt more comfortable than ever, really. You seemed to fit perfectly into my arms and I could have spent hours and hours just staring straight back into those eyes.

Your scent filled my head like many times before, sending my blood shooting through my veins at a much faster pace than usual. My tip of my nose touched yours and I can remember your eyes closing slowly, savoring the quiet moment. I seized the chance and skimmed my lips over yours for a few seconds before turning it into a full kiss. Your hand on my waist shot up to other side of my neck. Our lips moved together, forming the most perfect kiss I have ever had. Nothing could ever come close to the feeling of kissing you and knowing that it was about more than just the sex. It was the happiest I've ever been.

I look around the room, in awe of it all. We're in some hotel that I can't remember the name of. The ceilings are shit high and two of the four walls are completely glass. There are pure white cotton drapes tied at the sides. The glass walls overlook a huge green for the guests to relax on and to do what they please, really. I watch absentmindedly as two young boys play with each other. One tackles the other and they end up tumbling down the slight hill, laughing so hard that one of them actually ends up pissing themselves. I stifle a laugh when I see the look on his mom's face once she notices. I'm dragged back to my reality with the clinking sound of metal being tapped against glass. The soft chatter that filled the huge room stops.

I look to my left and see Rian, my best man, standing with a champagne class in his hand that just doesn't look right there. Neither does the suit he's wearing. Seeing both Zack and Rian in suits unsettles me. There's just something that is so wrong about it. He ran through the speech playing the part of the perfect gentleman to a tee. The speech was the typical best man speech. A few touching parts and a few gags here and there. He finishes it off with a few sentences about how he could tell our love was the real thing and would last forever. If only he knew how short lived the engagement was supposed to be.

I was woken up that morning with a soft kiss being planted on my forehead. I forced my eyelids open and was greeted by the sight of your big, bright brown eyes. You resembled a little kid in a candy store. It took a few minutes for me to realize that to you, I was your candy store.

"Oh no, Alex. Please," I begged, dragging out the 'e'. "I'm still so tired. Can we just lie here for a few minutes and talk?"

"Why?"

"'Cause I like your voice. Especially when you sing," A blush worked it's way up from your neck to your cheeks. You flopped back down onto my bare chest, and my skin tingled at the contact. You grabbed the white sheets and threw them across our waists carelessly. I draped an arm around your shoulders while you drew invisible patterns on my chest with your finger.

"There was something I wanted to ask you actually, Jack."

"What is it, babe?"

"Well, I just wondering... Are we going anywhere?" It caught me off guard and sensing you had startled me, you searched for more words before taking my free hand in yours, threading ours fingers together. "Jack, I love you. I really do. But, I don't know if I can deal with this sneaking around anymore. I love our stolen kisses, but I want some careless ones, too. I love catching your eyes from across the room and sharing a quick smile, but I want to be able to share huge grins for ages. I don't want to hide this anymore, Jack. I just... I need you to pick. Me or her."

I squeezed your hand tightly. I knew this day would come. I was fool to think that maybe it wouldn't, that we could carry on like that forever. My mind was made up months ago when I first met you in that restaurant. There was no way I could imagine my life without you in it. As cliche as it sounds, a life without you in it was hardly worth living.

"You, hands down. Douche bag." You instantly grinned up at me.

"You mean it? So, you'll tell her?"

"Yeah, of course." The truth was, telling her about me and you terrified me. She had been part of my life for nearly six years. That's a huge chunk of your life. I knew it was the right thing to do, though. I couldn't carry on like that.

"When? Soon?"

"Tomorrow." I meant it, too. I had to tell her, because no matter how much it scared me, losing you scared me more. You pushed yourself up closer to me and puckered your lips over-dramatically. I laughed before kissing you passionately, wanting you to know that I meant every word.

"We can buy a big house together on the other side of the country. It'll have a big garden where our kids can run around. I'll be the stay-at-home dad, you can work! Oh! We could live just outside of the city, and you could have some awesome high-paying job there." Your eyes were gleaming as you rambled on about the perfect life you wanted us to have.

"I love you, Lex."

"I love you too, douche bag."

For some reason, we're staying a different hotel to the one we held the reception in. I don't understand the logic of this - surely it costs even more money and takes up even more time? Whatever, I suppose it's something that women need to do. To be honest, today means fuck all to me. The huge ceremony and reception, staying the wedding night in another fancy hotel and a long honeymoon getaway was not my idea. All hers. But I figure that I have the money so she may as well do with it as she pleases.

As soon as we're checked in, I swoop down and pick up her up bridal style. She giggles as I carry her up the stairs, putting more strain on my back than I probably should. I carry on until we get to the floor we're on, like the handsome soldier I am! The bell boy had dropped our bags off in the room and left the door open for us. Thank God, because there's honestly no way I would have been able to open the damned thing. We tumble onto the bed, and I slam the door shut with my foot - I have some skills, no? She begins to kiss me and run her hands all over my body. This is the part I've been dreading the most. It always makes me feel like I'm cheating on you.

I remember seeing your name flash up on my caller ID and being more puzzled than I had in a long time. It was late on a Saturday night and I was seated in front of the TV. It had been four days since I promised I'd tell her, and I still hadn't. She was so busy all of the time with the wedding and I could never seem to catch a quiet moment with her. You had been ignoring my calls and texts in an utter piss because I hadn't told her. I didn't blame you either. You had all the right in the world to never talk to me again. So, I was pretty surprised when I saw that you were calling me.

I answered and the only reply I received was string a drunken slurs. Instantly I knew something was up. Whether it was just that you were drunk off your face, or that you were gonna pick a fight with someone about ten times your size, it didn't really matter. I just knew that I needed to get to wherever you were, and fast. After several minutes of arguing with you, you finally told me where you were. The restaurant where we first met. This set more alarm bells ringing. I shouted out to her to tell her that I was going to pick you up and I was seated in my car before she even would have had the chance to reply. I went as fast as the speed limit would allow while butterflies were flying around the pit of my stomach, making me feel sick. I was trembling as I shut the car door behind me and as I heard the beep, signifying that my car was locked.

I spotted you straight away. You could hardly sit up on the chair properly and I could see from where I was standing that you were having an argument with the bartender. You wanted more drink; he wanted you to leave. Ironic, since it's usually the other way around. It took a while for your eyes to focus on my face and for your mouth and tongue to work together to form coherent words. By the time that had happened I had a tight grip on your wrist and was dragging you outside. The only word leaving your lips was a repeated "no".

We were stood directly outside the restaurant and upon feeling the cold wind nipping at my face I offered you my jacket. You shook your head furiously at me, narrowing your eyes into slits. You tried to take a step towards me, but it turned into a drunken stumble. I caught you just before you hit the ground but you pushed yourself out of my grip.

"Look, Alex, I know you're really pissed off with me. And you have every right to be, but please just-"

"No. You don't get to talk."

"Uh, okay, bu-"

"You didn't tell her." The words were slurred, barely spoken above a whisper, but they were there. Out in the open - finally. You repeated them, slightly louder this time. You said them again and again, getting louder each time until you were screaming at me. I knew that there was no point in trying to talk to you, so I just took it until you weren't shouting quite so loud. I gripped your shoulders with my hands and you struggled to get out of my grasp. I refused to let you, and you just repeated those four words again. You stopped struggling and I could see tears forming in your slightly glazed over eyes. Your shoulders slumped as the tears ran freely down your face. I pulled you into me and you tried thumping my chest with your fists a few times, but gave up quickly. Hearing you choke out sobs because of something I had done made my heart break. I did everything I could think of to calm you down, but nothing seemed to work.

As soon as I let you go, you stumbled down the street, around the corner and towards your car. I ran up to the front door, blocking you from getting in. Your eyes narrowed at me again as you pressed the "unlock" button on your keys and clambered in the passenger seat, across the clutch and onto the drivers seat. I swung open the door and pulled the keys out of your hand before you had the chance to stop me.

"Alex, I'm not letting you drive when you're drunk. You're a mess. Get out of the car, now."

You stayed seated in the car, insisting you were 'fine' and demanding I gave you the keys back.

"If you get out of the car and promise me you won't drive, I'll let you have the keys back," I found the nearest drain and stood over it, the keys dangling between my fingers. "If not, I will drop them. Do not underestimate me, Lex." Your eyes widened, but you didn't move an inch. "Last chance. No?" I waited a few more seconds before letting go of the keys. I could hear the splash of them hitting the dirty water below. Your face dropped and you let a string of curses loose on my ears. I went back over to you, and pulled you up to your feet by your wrist.

"Alex, come on. I'll drive you home."

"No."

"Stop being such a dramatic bitch, and let me drive you home!"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because," I could see that your bottom lip was starting to tremble and your eyes were beginning to fill up with tears again. "Because, that's her car as well."

I knew as soon as the first few tears fell and you didn't bother trying to hide them that I wasn't going to win this one. So instead of insisting that you come with me in the car, I offered to carry you to your house, piggy-back style. You let a quiet laugh slip, and nodded hastily. After a few minutes of struggling to jump on my back and trying to get comfortable, you finally told me I was good to go. You kept a loose grip around my neck, I kept a tight one on your legs, which were wrapped around my waist. You buried your face into the crook of my neck and I could feel your wet eyes against my skin and hear your soft sobs the whole way home.

**

I was woken from my slumber to the sound of my phone ringing. I landed on the floor with thud, and answered the phone, groaning from the pain. It was her, wondering why I hadn't come home last night. It was only then that I realized it was your couch in your sitting room that I had managed to tumble off. I said that you were upset and that you needed someone to stay with you overnight. She didn't sound too happy, but I didn't care. I could hardly remember getting to your house, let alone agreeing to sleep on your damned couch. I hate that thing, it always fucked up my back.

After hanging up, I threw my phone back onto the small table in the middle of the room. It was then when I noticed the small sticky note. I recognized your sloppy handwriting straight away. It read : "Going to get coffee. And a new set of car keys. Thanks for throwing the originals down a drain." Your exceedingly good memory of drunken nights always came back to bite me in the ass the next day. I flipped the note over, expecting a further insult on the back. Instead, on the very bottom, "I love you." was written.

She turns the key in the door, having to use more force that she would have liked. The lock is rusty from it's many years of use. She picks up her boxes and pushes the door open the rest of the way using her shoulder. I follow suit, my own hands full with our prized possessions. Once I'm through the front door, I turn to my right and enter the largest room on the ground floor of the small building. I let the boxes slip from my grip and they hit the floor with a soft 'thud'. Rubbing my hands on my jeans, I gaze around at the empty room. The walls are painted white, making it seem even more cold and empty.

The silence in the room is broken by the rhythmic sounds of the soles of her shoes hitting against the hardwood floors. I snake my arms around her waist while she whispers words to me that I'm not paying attention to. My eyes are scanning every inch of the room, trying to imagine what it will be like when everything is unpacked, and trying to imagine what our house would have been like. Would have been bigger, or smaller? More colorful, or even more bland? Higher or lower ceilings? So many questions run through my head and it kills me that they will never be answered.

It was two hours after I had been woken up and I was pacing your sitting room. My thumb was stuck my mouth and I was successfully chewing the nail back to the skin. You weren't picking up your phone and I couldn't stop asking myself where the fuck were you, had you just ran off completely, or were you in lethal danger? As soon as the image of you lying in some hospital hooked up to all sorts of machines flashed in my mind my phone rang. Your house had been so quiet and I was so deep in thought that I jumped at the sound. I dived for my phone, and let out a huge sigh of relief when I saw your name blazoned across the screen.

"Where the fuck have you been, Lex?! I'm going to beat your ass from here to next week when you get back!" I froze up when I heard someone clear their throat on the other end of the line - even from that simple noise I could tell that it wasn't you.

"Is this... Jack?"

"Yes. What the fuck is going on? Where's Alex? Who are you?" My head started to pound, and my vision went hazy. He ignored my questions and asked one of his own; which I really fucking hated.

"Can you tell me what Alex's full name is, and what your connection to him is?"

"Alexander William Gaskarth," I paused for a few seconds, not really knowing how to answer the second part. Eventually I settled for, "We're best friends. Now, tell me who you are and what the fuck has happened."

"I'm Lieutenant Walker and Mr. Gaskarth has been attacked. He's being rushed to St. Luke's Hospital now. I suggest you get his family down there asap."

My grip on the phone tightened as his words settled in my head. My legs buckled and I landed hard on the couch. I could hear the man hang up the phone on the other end. My chest was tightening and my breaths were becoming more and more hitched with each second. I stopped and convinced myself that it wasn't really happening. You hadn't really been attacked and it wasn't really that serious. My breathing returned to normal, and I left your house and headed in the direction of my car. I wasn't feeling any emotion. I just made sure that I was putting one foot in front of the each, that my lungs were taking in air and that my heart was beating in my chest.

When I reached my car I climbed in and headed towards a building that I had never stepped foot in before. I guess I was lucky up until then. I kept my eyes glued on the road and my mind fixed on directions. Stepping through the doors and seeing the insanely white walls sent my mind rushing and my heart thumping. I had only ever been in one hospital as a kid - I don't remember very much of it, but I remember hating every square inch of the place. Seeing the walls and the nurses in scrubs reminded me why. The place was so unnatural.

After arguing with the nurse at the reception desk for quite a while, I was brought to wait in the hallway that lead into the OR's. There were five plastic seats lined up perfectly beside each other but other than that, the hallway was empty. I sat down in the middle one and stared at the opposite wall while I listened to the nurse power-walking back to her station. I don't know how long I sat there; it could have been minutes or hours. Time could have flown by, or it could have dragged. I honestly have no idea. The only thing I can remember is staring at that completely bland wall with no feeling. I didn't feel like I was going to break down from losing you, and I didn't feel relief because it could mean that our affair was over. Nothing.

Then, as you were wheeled out of the third OR and I jumped to my feet, everything came crashing down on me. Your face was completely expressionless. I wasn't sure as to whether or not you'd have that whole I-seem-like-I'm-smiling-even-though-I'm-unconscious thing going on, but you didn't. There were about five different things stuck either on or in your arms and you were wearing one of those disgusting hospital gowns. I'm not sure what it was that affected me the most, maybe it was seeing you in a state that I knew you'd hate to be in or just knowing that the outcome would not be good, but suddenly it felt like there was a crushing weight on my chest and my vision became blurred with tears.

For a few seconds, all I could do was stay where I was, my feet glued to the ground. I wanted to move, to chase after your god-damned gurney that was being pushed further and further down the hallway. I sucked in a big breath, wiped my tears away and let the breath out again shakily. I lifted my legs that now seemed like dead weight and forced myself to run after you. I caught up just as you were being brought around the corner. I walked alongside your gurney, matching the fast pace. Questions were coming out of my mouth before I could stop them, or give the nurses a chance to answer. It was only when we reached your room that I was questioned on who I was and how I knew you. I explained everything as fast as I could, just dying to get into the room with you. After being asked, I gave them your parents phone number. There was no way in hell that I would have been able to tell them - you had always been the stronger one out of the two of us.

The nurses refused to let me in to you without having some sort of confirmation. They got just that when the Lieutenant showed up. As soon as he told them that I actually was a friend, and not some psychotic freak, I turned around and pushed the door to your private room open and ran straight to your side. I could feel them watching me from the door but I ignored them and focused on you. The only sound filling the room was the steady beeping coming from one of the machines you were hooked up to. I pulled the chair from the corner over so that it was right beside your bed. I sat down, with my legs folded underneath me, and held your hand in mine.

Everything after that passed like I was in some sort of alternative reality. Nothing felt real. Your parents arrived. I moved to let your father sit by your side, and your mother sat on the other side. The Lieutenant came in to tell us what had happened - you had taken a shortcut through that alleyway that I had always hated, interrupted a drug deal, and were stabbed three times. They had the guy who did it in custody, but it didn't make me feel any better. Your mother started to sob. He excused himself, then left. The doctor came in straight away and told us that you would be dead within two days. He said that every wound you sustained managed to puncture at least one organ. The machines that you were hooked up to were keeping you alive - your body would give up soon. He apologized and left. Your mother didn't stop crying and your father looked weary. He and I made some awkward small talk. It turned out that they knew who I was - you had told them all about me. They, along with everyone else, thought we were just friends.

I too excused myself from the room. The tension in there was so thick that I needed to get some sort of fresh air. I stepped out past the automatic main doors to the hospital and drew in a breath of cool air. It only occurred to me then that my fiance might want to know where the fuck I was. She picked up after one ring, sounding out of breath and demanded to know my whereabouts. I closed my eyes and took another breath. I knew that the only voice I wanted to hear right then was yours.

"The hospital."

"Why?"

"Alex, um... Alex was attacked." Hearing myself say those words made me completely uneasy. It was almost like now that I had spoken them, they were true. There was a long pause on the other end of the line before she asked what had happened and whether or not you were okay. I didn't know what to say. I knew what I should have said, but I didn't want to admit to her and to myself that there wasn't a good chance of you pulling through this. Instead I just told her the name of the hospital and to come over. I stayed outside for a more seconds, just preparing myself to go back inside that room. Tucking my phone back into my pocket, I headed back into that bitch of a building.

When I got to your room all of the nurses were standing around outside of it, trying (and failing) and to look casual about it. Immediately panic set in, I pushed through a group of five of them and went straight into the room before any of them tried to stop me. Three of the four faces in the room looked up at me. Your mother, your father and the doctor from earlier. The fourth face, yours, was the only one that I actually wanted to look up at me. There was evidence on both of your parents faces to say that they had been crying, the doctor's face looked grim and his finger was hovering over a button on the largest machine.

"What's going on?" I demanded, my voice started to shake slightly.

"We're so sorry, Jack. We talked about it and Alex always said that he never wanted to be kept alive by machines. We don't like it either, but it's for the best." He had moved his chair over to the side that your mother was on, and his arm was firmly placed around her shoulders. I was struck at how strong his voice stayed, and how calmly he nodded at the doctor. I could only stand there and gawp as he pressed the button which began to shut down the machines that were keeping you alive, one by one. A few seconds later, the long monotonous beep of heart monitor filled the room. And just like that, you were gone forever.

I stumbled backwards until my back hit the wall. I slid down it until my bum was on the ground. I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I rested my head on my knees and I closed my eyes as I felt tears starting to fall. I heard the doctor switch the machine off then leave. Within a few seconds I was weeping my heart out. My face and knees were drenched. Your parents were crying, too. Then I realized that no matter how much I was hurting, they were probably hurting about ten times more. You were their son. They loved you for your whole life - I only loved you for part of it. I forced myself to stop crying, and wiped my eyes dry. I had the hiccups and my nose runny but I didn't care. I stood up on shaky legs and began to go for the door. Something told me to stop and I realized that I couldn't just leave you and your parents. First, I scribbled my name and number down on a piece of paper and handed it to your father. Second, I knelt down by your bed and rested my head beside your still warm hand.

The fire is slowly dying and she switches off the TV to declare that she's going to bed, demanding that I go with her. I tell her that I'll be up in a few minutes. She nods and kisses me quickly before she leaves the room. A quick glance at my watch informs me that it's five minutes to midnight. Absentmindedly, I begin to twirl my wedding around my finger and I start to think I might get sick. Another glance; 11:57. My head starts to spin and I move myself so I'm lying down on the couch. It doesn't help much.

Four minutes later, my cell rings. It's Zack and I know he'll be hurt if I don't answer. He knew you before I did and was probably as close to you as I was. I pick it up with a weak 'hey'. Nothing is said on his end for a few seconds, but then he starts to sob. I can feel myself start to well up, but I push the tears back as best as I can. Just as he apologizes for his outburst, a whimper escapes my lips. He pauses and says :

"It's been a year today, Jack. It's okay to be upset - God knows I am. I know you never talked about him much before, but do you want to talk about him now?"

I try to talk, but as soon as I even say your name, the floodgates open. With the phone still pressed to my ear, I curl up into the fetal position and tell him everything. At the end of it all, he simply says "I know".

I'm shocked at first, but then I realize that I shouldn't be. It was just who you were - I should have known that there was no way you could have kept it all from Zack. It just makes me feel worse that I kept it from Rian. Though, Zack probably told him too. Instead of being more upset, I just start to laugh. Once I start, I can't stop and Zack joins in. The two of us laugh manically over nothing for a few minutes and then quickly move on to sharing our favorite memories of you. We talk for hours but when we eventually hang up and I climb into bed, there's still a feeling of guilt hanging over me. You had your life abruptly taken from you, and here I am, about to start mine.