Watch Me Make You Hate Me

Everyone is watching me. I know they are. I’m not good enough for them. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to be good enough for them, everyone just turns their back to me.

I lean against a tree, staring out over the lake. It’s so pretty, how the sun reflects off the calm water, giving it the illusion that it’s glittering. I wish I had my camera.

I feel someone poking my shoulder, and I jump at the unexpectedness of it. My mind freezes; what should I do? Should I talk to them? Should I ignore them?

I look over to the person poking me, seeing Jonah smiling at me, waiting for me to take out my headphones. My mind remains frozen as it registers that Jonah is the one and only guy in this school that I have my eye on and have had it on for the past year. He’s the only one that willingly speaks to me as a friend and puts up with my lack of conversation, and every time I feel bad because I act like I don’t want anything to do with him. He’s not exactly a best friend, but he’s pretty close to it.

I smile weakly at him, taking out one of my headphones.

“Hey Cameron.” He said happily.

“Hi.” I said quietly, blushing uncontrollably, running my fingers through my hair, looking everywhere but him. He’s so unbelievably perfect, but I could never tell him that. It’d probably scare him off.

“What’s up?” He asked, sitting cross-legged next to me, resting his cheek softly in his palm.

I bring my eyes down to his wrists, looking at all the different colored bracelets he has on. “Nothing, just…enjoying the scenery.” I said, looking back up at his face.

Jonah’s smile grew slightly, looking out over the lake as I continue to study his features like I do everyday. His big brown eyes are lined with black eyeliner, his nails a bright green to match many of his bracelets, and his dark hair covers a perfect portion of his face.

“I wish I had a camera.” He said, sighing lightly, looking back at me, smirking at the fact that I‘m still looking at him. “What?”

I look down at my hands, then back up at him. “Do you wanna hang out tonight?” I blurted, my face immediately feeling warm with embarrassment. He’s going to say no, why would be want to hang out with someone as boring and dull as me?

“What time?” He asked.

My head snapped towards him. Did I hear him correctly? “W-what?”

He laughs, putting his hand on my thigh. “Yes, I would like to hang out with you tonight. What time do you want to hang out?”

A huge smile spreads across my lips, realizing what he just said, that he would like to hang out tonight. “Um…I don’t know. When’s best for you?”

“Well,” He pauses, then gets off the ground. “I’m free all day, and it doesn’t seem like you have anything going on, so why not hang out now?” He grabs my hands and pulls me off the ground. I fly up and run into his chest, my arms involuntarily going around him so I don’t fall.

His arms wrap around me, and I realize what I’m doing, and how close I am with Jonah. Too close. I try pushing him away, but he just tightens his grip on me. “No, stay, please. This is nice.” He says quietly in my ear.

I stop, though I still feel this is too close and slightly awkward, and put my arms around him again, putting my chin on his shoulder.

I hear a quiet laugh in his throat. “You’re so shy, it’s cute.”

I squeeze him tighter, trying so hard not to blush. “Do you want to go somewhere else?”

“Sure. Your house?” Jonah asked, looking at me, our faces just inches apart.

I nod, giving him a small smile. He lets go of me, and I can finally breathe again. We start walking towards my house, and he has my hand in his. It’s better than the hug.

We arrive at my front door, and I turn the handle, knowing that my parents aren’t home and won’t be home until late tomorrow or early Monday morning.

“Where are your parents?” Jonah asked as he looks around the living room.

“They’re out of town for business, they won’t be back until tomorrow or Monday.” I explained.

He nods slowly, turning towards me, our bodies close again. He slides his hand up to my neck keeping it there. I start shaking, nervous about what I think he’s about to do.

“Wh-what are you doing?” I stutter, my eyes glancing everywhere but Jonah.

He grabs my chin, making me look at him. “Relax, Cam, it’s okay. Just follow my lead.” He said, then bringing my lips to his in a kiss.

In my mind, I start to freak out, telling myself that I can’t be doing this. Jonah is my friend, nothing more, we can’t be anything more. I’ve seen what these kinds of relationships turn out to be, and I don’t want to lose my only friend, regardless of if I have the same feelings towards him that he’s showing towards me.

I pull away from his lips slowly, resulting in his face turning into one of confusion.

“I…I don’t think we should be doing this.” I said quietly, picking at my sweatshirt sleeve.

“Why not?” Jonah asked.

“I don’t want to lose you.” I said quickly, turning away from him, sitting on the couch.

“What do you mean?” He asked, sitting next to me, wrapping his arm around my waist.

“Things like this don’t last, they just don’t. They end up falling apart and after that they’re never the same.” I said.

Jonah said nothing, sighing softly, then grasping my hand in his, making me look at him. “Cameron, it won’t be that way with us, I know it won’t. You’ll have to trust me on this.”

I really want to say that I do trust him, that it won’t turn out like all the other similar relationships, but I can’t; I don’t trust him with that statement. I’d rather not risk it, but I don’t say anything. I don’t want to make him mad. I just nod a few times, then looking at him. He had a smile on his face as he leans in to kiss me again, his hand landing on the back of my neck. His lip ring feels cool against my lip, making me let out a slight shiver. His tongue slides on my bottom lip, and I part my lips so he can enter and deepen the kiss. I put my hand on his thigh and the other on his neck. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all. We’re perfect together, we move in sync, like we know what the other is going to do next.

That train of thought halted as he crawled onto my lap, straddling me, pushing me back against the couch. His hands start wandering up my shirt, and that’s where it starts getting awkward again. I’m not doing this with Jonah. I push his hands away and he pulls away from my lips, giving me a confused, pouty face. “What’s the matter?”

“I…I can’t…I can’t do this.” I said, pushing him off my lap. “It doesn’t feel right. We shouldn’t be doing this.”

“How doesn’t it feel right? I thought we both agreed that it wouldn’t be like all the others.” He said.

“Well now I don’t agree. It’s too awkward.” I admitted.

Jonah shifts in his seat, clearing his throat.
I sigh, thinking about how bad that sounds, then grabbing his hand. “I’m sorry, and don’t take this personal at all, but you’re my friend, my best friend even, my only friend, and I don’t want anymore from you but that.”

Jonah looks into my eyes, looking like he’s trying to find something in them, then just nods. “Okay, we can do that.”

“Thank you.” I said, taking my hand out of his.

“I’m gonna go, Cam. I’ll see you later, kay?” Jonah said, getting off the couch.

I nod subtly, feeling like he’s leaving because of what I said, what we didn’t do.

He leans down to kiss my cheek before leaving the house. I let out all of the air in my lungs, falling back onto the couch, feeling tears starting to well up in my eyes. I want Jonah the way he wants me, but I don’t trust him. He seems like he just wants me physically, especially since he wanted to get in my pants just minutes after he showed me that he’s attracted to me. That makes me feel so used, and by the one person I thought I could trust.

I can’t trust anyone anymore, can I?