Love Makes Blind

[Elia's Point of View]

I didn’t stop running before I was out of the parking lot. I didn’t let myself think. People were rushing past me from every angle; the city was just about to wake up. I started asking around for the directions to the bus station. I used to take the bus all the time earlier summers, but this would be the first time I did it alone. I kind of realized how stupid it was to leave the hospital alone when I reached the bus station; I couldn’t read what stood on the buses. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair and looked around desperately. The tears were pressing to spill.

“[Excuse me, can you tell me which bus goes to Parghelia?]” I asked a woman standing next to me. My voice broke a little.
She looked at me with worried eyes; it must have looked like I was running away. “[Are you okay?]” She asked and put a hand on my shoulder.
I took a deep breath and fought against my feelings. “[I just need to know which bus goes to Parghelia.]”
She furrowed her brows but pointed towards a bus a little further down the platform.

I thanked her and rushed to it. I walked into it but the bus driver put his arm out to stop me.
“[Aren’t you going to pay, miss?]” He narrowed his eyes.
I left my wallet home in all the rush. I could feel this being the last drop and a single tear ran down my cheek. “[I left my money home.]” I said in a very weak voice.
“[Then I’m sorry.]” He said and pushed me backwards.
“No, but I need to go home. I can’t be here!” I begged in English. All the passengers was looking at my little scene; I didn’t care because I was too busy keeping my tears and feelings under control. “[Please.]”
“[Here.]” A man on the foremost seat handed the driver two Euros.
“Thank you.” I said with gratitude and walked to the back of the bus with my head kept down – away from all the stares – and sat down with the window.

I really should watch the beautiful nature passing by, but I covered my face with my hands.
“Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think don’t think….” I muttered to myself and ignored anyone around me.
“Next stop; Parghelia.” The bus driver announced over the loudspeaker.
I practically ran out of the bus when it stopped; luckily I recognized the streets now.

I pretended I didn’t see all the people around me, I knew everyone of them. They looked oddly at me, but not like they knew what had happened. I relaxed a tiny bit when I reached the place I sought; the cliffs. They weren’t as impressive as the ones in La Push; they didn’t fall to crashing waves, but down at the small beach. It was beautiful none the less.

I walked to the edge of them and closed my eyes. It felt like I could fly as the wind swirled my hair around my face. This was good. Not feeling anything. I could just stay here and pretend everything was going to be okay. Everything would be okay. Soon – any second now – I would wake up from this nightmare and it would all be okay.

Of course I knew that was just wish-thinking. My mother had cancer and would be dead within the end of this week. It felt like something fell apart inside me; I fell to my knees and clamped my hands over my aching heart. There wasn’t anything physical wrong with me. Tears were flowing down my cheeks and I started sobbing when I realized that I was really going to lose my mother.

“Elia! What are you doing? Are you trying to kill yourself?” Someone pulled me backwards away from the edge. It was Matteo, but I just started crying harder. “Ellie, why are you crying?”
I just kept sobbing and holding onto my chest as everything came crashing down at me. Matteo wrapped his arms around me and held me close.
“Tell me what’s wrong Elia, you are scaring me.” He said in a soft voice and brushed his hand over my hair.
I shook violently as I tried to stop the tears. “She is dying and it’s my entire fault.”

“Who is dying bambina?” He asked.
I was breathing shallowly as I answered. “My mother; she is dying because of me.”
“You aren’t making any sense Elia.”
“Stop asking so many damn questions Matteo! My mother has cancer for god’s sake! She going to die THIS week and it is only my fucking fault!” I screamed at him.
“It’s going to be okay.” He said soothingly.

I lost it. “How can you say that? She is dying and I can’t do anything to save her! It is not going to be okay.” I said and started to hit his chest.
Matteo let me hit him, he didn’t even flinch. “This is really fucked up Elia.”
“I know…” My anger had faded and I felt tired. “If she just had told us, I would rather be blind than lose her. She’s dying Matt.”
“I’m so sorry.” He said and hugged me. I rested my head against his chest.

We stood like that for a few minutes before Matteo sat down and I beside him. He held my hand.
“I don’t know what to do, you know.” I said silently. “I don’t know how to react or how I should act around her. It feels like my mother is a stranger.”
I didn’t think Matteo knew what to say, but he spoke anyway. “You need to be strong for her and hold her hand until the end. I’m sure she needs you right now.”
“I just ran out of there. I can’t handle this. Please tell me everything will be okay.” I begged.

He chuckled. “You just had a go at me because I said that. But it will be okay, in the end. It’s going to be hard for awhile. You have your brother; I’ll be here until you go back to America. And Paul will support you, right?”
His friendly tone when he talked about Paul surprised me.
I sniffed my nose a little and nodded.

Matteo sighed. “I know I’ve been making things difficult for you, Eliie. It’s just hard for me to accept that you love him more than me. But I’ll back down now.”
I could feel the tears press on again. “Thank you Matteo.”
“I’m still going to be here though.” He said and rubbed my back.
I nodded.
“Do you want me to drive you back to the hospital?” He asked and stood up.
I did as well. “If you want to.”
He smiled at me and wiped away a tear. “Of course.”
“Please don’t say anything to anyone about mom yet. I need to talk with them about what we should do.” I said as we walked.
“I’ll try.” He sighed and walked ahead of me.