Back to the Place We Knew Before

Chapter Eleven
Raegan

We drew nearer and nearer to my house, and excitement built higher and higher. I was finally going to get to see Braelyn again. Zack sat next to me, tapping his foot nervously. He got fidgety when he was anxious about anything, I learned. He was so anxious to see Brae again, to talk with her, to try to win her back. I wasn’t sure how serious things were with her and that Finn character, so I thought it best not to tell Zack. Why worry him if it’s just casual dinner and a movie occasionally?

We walked into my house and threw our stuff on the ground before settling into the living room. The shower was running, so we figured Brae was in the shower. We just sat and listened to Rian talk about how excited he was to see Mikayla, who was still at work. The shower turned off, and we heard Braelyn walk to her room.

She emerged into the living room area. She looked up and her face instantly lit up like the fireworks over the freeway on the Fourth of July. We sat around and told stories about the road, and how amazing the fans were. Soon, though, the calm was interrupted by a storm when the doorbell rang. Braelyn exclaimed something about not being attractive yet before running to the door. She opened it to reveal a man who was much taller than her, probably as tall as Alex, but not as tall as Jack.

We all watched in horror as he leaned down and kissed her. I looked over at Zack whose face was contorted in a twisted jealous/angry/hurt expression.

“Right so, this is Finn…my boyfriend. He’s going to be here until break is over” she said. We all introduced ourselves, and Finn shook all of our hands, politely. Zack shot me an angry look, rose to his feet, grabbed my arm and dragged me to the back of the house.

“Ow, Zack. Where are we going?”

“We need to have a private conversation.” In other words, the coat closet. It’s where all of our private convsations took place. Not just Zack’s and mine, but the whole group would go there, it was sort of understood that if someone’s in the coat closet, you don’t fuck with them.

“What the fuck, Raegan?” he whisper-screamed.

“What?”

“Don’t fucking play dumb. You knew she had a boyfriend, and you didn’t tell me. Seriously? What the fuck?”

“I swear to you, I didn’t know!”

“Bullshit. I seriously cannot believe you right now” he face was turning red.

“Zack-”

“No! I trusted you. You told me that she would want me back, just as m uch as I want her.” He now had tears lining his bottom lashes.

“Zack. I promise I had no idea. She mentioned him one time about one date . I didn’t know it went beyond that.”

“You promise?”

“Yes. I swear on my life. I’m just as shocked as you are. I didn’t know that anything happened on that date or after it.”

“Do not! I don’t even want to think about that foul being even in the same room as her, let alone the same bed.”

“Sorry.”

“I-I don’t think I can do this. I can’t see her with him. I can’t even handle the thought. I think I’m - I’m going to go home. My mom probably misses me or s-something.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No. I just want to clear my head. Yeah.”

“Oh, alright.” I said. “Do..do you want a hug?”

“No. If you hug me, I’ll start crying, and I don’t want to cry over her.” he said before pushing on the inside of the mirrored doors and walked out of the congested closet.

“Zack?” I asked as he made his way toward the kitchen.

“Yeah?”

“We’ll figure this out, okay? It’ll get better, I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” his words stung, but were final. He walked toward the front door, slipped on his Nike Dunks, and left with a slammed door.

I rejoined the group and sat in the big comfy circle chair that Braelyn usually inhabited, but she was sitting on the loveseat with Finn. Alex and Jack looked bored and annoyed with Finn as he described life in Ireland, and what his family was like, but Rian looked intrigued and thoroughly amazed by this other culture. Finn’s accent was funny, but that’s probably because I’ve never heard an Irish accent except for on the Disney Channel movie The Luck of The Irish.

Maybe an hour later I was bored out of my mind. I got to my feet and alex asked where I was going. I told him the park and he wanted to come along. I was kind of surprised, but decided he was just trying to get away from Finn’s nonsense. I shrugged and he followed. I put on my peacoat, earflap hat, and mittens, and made my way to my car. He climbed into the passenger seat and we drove without a sound. He seemed sort of nervous, but I knew it was an act. After all it was Alex, and he was a liar, a player, and actor. On impulse I turned into the Convenient Mart and picked up a pack of smokes. When I returned to the car -and the heat- I lit one up and inhaled the smooth, relaxing poison.

“I didn’t know you smoke” Alex said, his first words since we were alone.

“I don’t” I backed out of the parking lot, the Camel between my lips and drove the short rest of the distance to the park.

As we approached, I saw that the park was deserted, as I expected. I mean, it was the dead of winter, why would any sane person be at a park? I got out of the car and made my way straight to the swings- my favourite.

“Still the same old Raegan.” Alex noted.

“Still the same old Alex.” I shot back. He sighed.

“I know you’re upset. I get it, okay? And I don’t blame you. I feel like shit about what I did. I can’t take it back though. I wish I could but I can’t. I miss spending my nights with you, I miss those lips.”

“So you miss sleeping with and making out with me?”

“No. I miss having you.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you. I don’t trust you.”

“I want us to get back together” he blurted out.

“You just don’t get it, do you, Alex? I went against my better judgement, and thought ‘Oh, maybe Alex did really change,’ I gave up my dreams of college for you to achieve your dreams of being a fucking rock star. I lost the one person who I couldn’t stand to loose, my best friend, the man I was in love with be cause you were oh-so charming, and acted the way I wished that he did. What do I get in return? I get cheated on in front of, in the place were I was living!” Tears had began to run down my cheeks. I wiped the moisture away with my mitten-clad hands. “And the worst part is, I don’t even hate you. I want to so badly, I really do, but I can’t because I want absolutely nothing more than for everything to go back.” I said before looking him in the eye. “Before any of this bullshit happened. I want us to be friends, I want Mikayla not pregnant, I want Zack and Braelyn together, and I want Jack to talk to me again.” I sighed, “But obviously that isn’t going to happen.”

Alex pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head while I buried my face in his chest. It wasn’t anything more than a friend comforting a friend in need, and that was really what I needed. He felt like an older brother in that moment, more than an ex-boyfriend.

“I know everything is changing and it’s scary. I mean, I don’t like it either. I love you, Rae, but I don’t you don’t feel the same way about me. I can see that you’re still in love with Jack every time you glance over at him. So I guess we can try to go back to the place we knew before, and maybe we can start by being friends again?” He said it as more of a question than a statement, but it felt sincere.

“Y-yeah. We can be friends.” This was a strange feeling. Could we really work things out? I sure as hell hoped so. If things didn’t start changing back soon, I would surely break down.