It Hurts in the Worst Way

We both stayed like that for what seams ages locked into each other’s eyes. Minutes, hours, days, months...I know that it was just roughly 2 minutes that has passed but it feels so much longer. Neither of us moved an inch.

Now would it be stupid to say that right now I just felt like I wanted to kiss Craig? I felt my heart beat a slight bit faster. Is this even normal? I know I can look away...But I don’t think I really want to. I could see right into Craig’s eyes. I could see his sadness, slight anger, worry and something else that I can’t tell. It hurt to be able to see that and know that I couldn’t help him or take it away.

Craig then moved and placed his hand on my cheek, then turned his head away, snapping our stare. I blinked and shook my head lightly as he took his hand off my cheek.

Craig cleared his throat.

“I have to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” He said.

He got off the bed and walked into the very small bathroom connected to the hospital room. I watched him close the door and blinked again. Well that was weird.

I sighed and rolled over on the bed again so I was flat on my back and looking up at the ceiling. I rubbed my eyes yawning. I wasn’t all that tired, or what I could feel of it, but I was worried as hell for Craig. Just thinking about what he must be going through blows my mind...And thinking about last night. Just seeing him like that...I, just don’t know if I could explain how I felt seeing that; apart from that it hurt in the worst way just seeing it.

Then out of nowhere I remember what Craig said one night; ‘how can everything fall apart out of nowhere so fast?’ you know I actually wish I had an answer for that right now, but I know I probably never ever will.

I just wish I could help him.

The sound of the bathroom door opening caught my ears and I moved my hands, which were still over my face away to see Craig walk out the bathroom. He got back into the bed next to me slowly. He closed his eyes and let his head flop onto pillow while sighing loudly.

My lips flattened in a line. Do you have any idea how frustrating this is now, I want to help him, but I can’t! Really can I do anything?

Suddenly I felt like hitting my head on a brick wall.

“Claire?”
“Yeah?” I mumbled as Craig opened his eyes.
“Do you, still wanna go for that walk?” He asked. “I don’t really want to stay laying here.”

I smiled lightly at him and nod my head. You know a walk would be very good right now.

*~*~*

The white hall in front of us stood empty as we walked away further from my hospital room. The only noise we could hear was the faint humming of people talking and the TVs people were watching in the other rooms. Though it was a hospital, it was actually quiet calming walking down the hallway slowly holding Craig’s hand.

He walked beside me at the same calm slow-ish pace looking at the ground as his feet half shuffled against the maroon carpet. The look on his face showed that he was thinking hard about something, so because of that I said nothing and let him think. I didn’t want to disturb him unless I had too; and I didn’t.

After about 30 or so steps we reached the nurses desk for this ward. There were a couple of ladies and a man there. The lady and man was in another room and could be seen through the glass windows looking like there were going through someone’s medical records and pointing out to each other things on the sheets. The other lady was sitting at the computer; clicking and typing so fast even if I was paying attention to it I would get confused and dizzy.

I looked at Craig and he slowly looked at me from the ground; his face was still unreadable but his eyes held a lot of different emotions.

“Do you want to sit in the garden area or something?” I asked.
“Yeah, sure.” He nodded.
“Uh, do you remember where it was?” I asked. “I can’t remember which hallway you have to go down.” I said biting my lip.

Craig blinked and shook his head. I looked over at the nurse on the computer and started walking over to her as Craig followed. Better asking for directions than getting lost, right?

“Excuse me.” I said kindly getting the lady’s attention, she smiled at me. “Can you tell us how to get to the sitting garden?” I asked.
“Sure thing, hun. You walked right down there,” She started pointing to the hallway at the left of the desk. “And follow that to the other nurse’s station and it should be right next to the waiting room there.” She smiled.
“Ok, thank you.” I smiled back.

Me and Craig turned to walked down there.

“You are welcome.” The lady said behind us.

Me and Craig walked silently down the hallway like we did before down the other one. Though we were so silent...It was nice in a way. I gripped Craig’s hand a little more and he squeezed mine lightly back while looking at the ground still. I thought a saw a small smile on his lips from the corner of my eye but I guess I might have been seeing things.

We reached the next nurses station to find it empty. We slowed to a stop and I looked around and found the waiting room to our right, next to it was a glass door with bright sunlight coming through the glass and plants on the other side. We found it. I smiled.

“This way.” I said lightly starting to walk again.

We reached the door and Craig opened it and held it open for me, I walked out still holding his hand and he followed. The sun shines down on us and for me it felt great against my skin.
I have only been out of my room once and came here with the guys, but that was late afternoon and the whole garden was covered in shade. I titled my head back a little to let more sunlight fall onto my face as Craig softly let my hand go.

After a moment I looked back down to see him sitting on the small bench under the purple flowering tree. I sat down next to him and tucked the couple bits of hair that had fallen in my face. My hair probably looks like a rats nest. Oh well.

“It’s nice out here.” Craig said looking around.

I looked around the area too, when I was here last I was kinda tired and sore so I didn’t pay much attention to what was around me, just the fact that I was here. Craig was completely right about this place, there were flowers, bushes, the odd tree and stone walkways everywhere. The hospital did a great job making this area; I bet a lot of people that come here use it.

“Yeah it is.” I smiled softly looking back at Craig.

He looked at me at the same time. I smiled kindly at him and he showed me a small smile. Maybe last night did him good letting his emotions out, I hope so. I really do.

I leant back against the back of the bench getting more comfy in the seat and also in a spot where the warm sun would be on my back. Good thing it wasn’t really a hot day. Craig reached over and took my hand in between both of his. He looked at me like he was thinking of saying something important. I sat quietly and looked into his eyes letting him take his time in saying what he wanted to say.

He let out a deep breath and looked down for a moment.

“If there is something you want to say, you can say it.” I said softly. “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me too.”
“I know you won’t, I know I can trust you.” He said looking back up at me.

Our eyes locked.

“I know I have already told you this; but I really want to thank you for last night.” He said before shaking his head sadly.
“There is no need to thank me; I’m always here for you, whenever you need me.” I said. “Just call and I’m there.” I smiled.

Craig smiled his best smile in the last 2 days and I couldn’t help but smile brighter seeing it.

“I missed your smile.” I said without thinking.

Oh well, it was true.

“How can I not smile while being around you?” He asked the smile turning into a small smirk.

I couldn’t help but blush at that lightly. I hope he didn’t notice it. But my hopes for that went when he placed his hand on my cheek and ran his thumb over my cheek bone. The smirk turned into a smile again.

“Did I ever tell you actually looked pretty when you blush?” He stated. “As cliché as it sounds.”
“No, well yes you just did.” I chuckled.

He chuckled too and I noticed the small flickering of happiness in his eyes amongst the sadness. He leaned forward a little bit closer to me.

“But I still want to thank you,” He started. “So thank you.” He said softly.
“You’re welcome.” I smiled.

I kept my eyes locked with his, not looking away. I watched as the small bit of light dance around in his eyes. Maybe in most cases it’s not time that heals the pain; it was the people that care for you that did. And I would always be there for him and to help him. I care for him. A lot.

The seconds ticked by as we sat like this just looking into each other’s eyes. I don’t know what he saw in mine...But it was like him looking at me like this was making him happier or something. He moved forward a little more and without me noticing at first I did too to the point that our noses were almost touching.

Something flickered in his eyes then his soft lips were on mine.

It look me by surprise...But at the same time it didn’t and before my brain understood what was happening, I closed my eyes and kissed him back. Out lips moved together and I could feel him let go of my hand and place his hand on the side of my neck bring me slightly closer. I placed on of my hand on his shoulder.

After a moment he pulled away quickly. I snapped my eyes open and Craig looked at me with wide eyes and in shock of what he just did. Then it hit me too. We were kissing. Actually kissing!

“I-I’m sorry...I just...” Craig mumbled as if he couldn’t find the right words.

I blinked a couple of times not knowing what to say. My lips were tingling and my face felt hot.

“Um...” I mumbled as I blinked again.
“I didn’t know what I was thinking, I’m sorry!” Craig said letting me go and standing up off the bench.

He ran his hand through his hair; he looked utterly confused and shocked.

“It...It’s ok; I don’t know what I was thinking either. I-“ I cut myself off.

I have no idea what to say. This was embarrassing. Sure I like Craig...But do I like him that much? He is my best friend. Craig took a deep breath and closed his eyes. I watched as he opened his eyes again.

“Ugh, my head is a mess.” He groaned.

I nod my head lightly understanding. He looked back at me where I was sitting on the bench.

“I have to clear my mind.” He said shaking his head.
“Ok, if you want I can go back to my room so you can think out here.” I offered beginning to stand up.
“No.” He said quickly. “It’s ok, you can stay out here. I have to go back to the bus anyway; I’ll just take the long walk.”
“You sure?” I asked checking.

I didn’t want him walking around on the street too confused to even know where he was going.

“I’m sure.” He nodded stiffly. “I’ll, um, see you later.”
“Ok, see you.” I said quietly.

Craig turned and walked quickly to the door and into the hospital. I watched him until I couldn’t see him anymore. I let out a breath and blinked flopping back against the back of the bench.

I lifted my fingers to my lips softly. They were still tingling.