Seventeen and Invincible

“So,” he began, “are we ready to try this again?” I nodded reluctantly as he pulled me out of his room, down the stairs and to his car. The ride to school was silent, save for the low sound of the radio in the background. “You gonna be okay today?” he asked softly over One Headlight by the Wallflowers. I stopped for a minute and nodded. I felt like Daisy from The Great Gatsby.

“I’ll be fine,” I sighed, resting my head against the window. “Gar,” I whispered. He didn’t look away from the road, but I saw him raise his eyebrows to acknowledge me. “Garrett, I don’t think I ever loved him, and I think that’s what hurts the most. I thought I did, and it only hurts because he lied. I’m upset, but my heart isn’t broken—at least not as badly as it should be.” By now he was pulling into the parking lot at school—it had taken that long for us to start talking, which wasn’t really that unusual.

“Well,” he said, sitting back in his seat after parking the car and pulling the key out of the ignition, “you should be glad.” I tilted my head in confusion. “If he hurt you this much and you didn’t love him, imagine how much it would have hurt if you did.” I nodded and rested my head on his shoulder.

“I’m just so mad at him.” Garrett reached for my hand and started drawing circles with his thumb on my palm. I sighed contently. Evan wasn’t breaking my heart, but I couldn’t be sure of anyone else anymore.

“I know,” he said softly, “I know.” I looked down at our laced fingers and felt the tears sting the corners of my eyes again. I felt my chapped lips start to quiver, and my dry throat get even drier. I could feel my heart pounding and my stomach acid burning the insides of my empty stomach. I didn’t know what this feeling was, but I wasn’t sure I liked it. I had never felt it, and I only felt it when I was with Garrett. “Are you alright?” I nodded knowing that it was a lie and that if I had tried to speak my voice would have cracked and the tears would have slid down my cheeks—that is if they weren’t already. “Then why are you crying?” I brought my freehand up to my face and swatted furiously at the salty little drops of water.

“I’m not crying,” I responded quickly and shakily. “I’m not crying.”

“Yes you are. Anika, what’s wrong? What else is going on? Talk to me.” I shook my head and he wiped away a few of my tears carefully. “What happened?” I could feel the blood rushing to my face and my lungs begging me to breathe.

“Nothing happened,” I sighed. “I just don’t want to do this anymore, Gar. I can’t.” He sighed and slid the driver’s seat back, unbuckled his seatbelt, and pulled me into his lap. “I don’t want to fight through everything anymore.”

“Shh,” he soothed me. I buried my head in shirt and I heard the bell ring for first period. “You don’t have to fight, Ani. You don’t have to fight. It doesn’t have to be a fight.” I shook my head and he rubbed my back.

“Then what else is there, because I feel like every day is another struggle and I’m done with that. I’m done with the yelling and screaming and I don’t want to cry anymore.” I choked on a lack of air and he wrapped his arms around me even tighter.

“You can’t give up Ani. Think about all the people you’ll hurt if you do something stupid. Please, just think about it. Think about what I’d be like without you. I’d be miserable, Anika, and so would the rest of the guys and Mia. God, Anika, if you hurt yourself, you aren’t just hurting you. You’re hurting me too.” I wrapped my arms tightly around him. “I can’t lose you. Do you understand?” I nodded.

“You’re going to have to give me up eventually Garrett. What about when you tour? And when I go to college? Wouldn’t it be easier this way? No one to miss or worry about?” I hiccupped on my tears and I saw his face fall. His already saddened features looked even sadder. His eyes were glassy and his lips stuck in a pout. His expression just screamed sadness.

“I would still miss you, Ani. I would still miss you more than anything. So, please, if for nothing else, don’t hurt yourself as a favor to me.” I shook my head.

“I can’t make a promise that I don’t think I can keep.” He sighed loudly and sadly. I crawled back across to the passenger seat as he sighed, backing out of the parking spot.

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He had taken twenty minutes to drive back to where we had been the night before. He carried the blanket, and I walked slowly and silently—grimly—by his side. He had barely finished spreading out the blanket when I crawled over to him and collapsed on him in another fit of tears. “Shh,” he whispered wrapping me tightly in his arms—not daring to acknowledge the fact that I fit perfectly.

“Why do I feel like this?” I sighed.

“I don’t know Anika. If I could take it away, I would. I would take it away in a heartbeat. I’d take it and fight it off myself. If I could take away all of the fighting and yelling and screaming and crying, I swear to you I would. I would in a heartbeat.” I curled into his side and hid my face.

“I just don’t want this life anymore, Garrett. Everyone wants me to do something different and I’m being pulled in twenty-nine trillion directions and I can’t anymore Gar. I just want to be normal. I want to do what I want to do.” He nodded and kissed the top of my head.

“You should do what you want with your life regardless of what everyone says. You should be you. You just need to hold on. You’ll be away from your parents soon enough. Once you’re in college you can go far away from Molly and Greg.”

“But that means leaving you too.” He shrugged and smirked.

“I’ll come find you. It’s that simple.” I smiled and buried my head in his side. My safety net would be thousands of miles away when Greg and Molly dragged my under-eighteen ass back to Germany. I didn’t want to go and everyone knew. Molly just hated me; I ruined her life. Molly couldn’t stand me; I took up her space. And Greg was hardly around, and when he was he was drunk. It had been that way since I was little. I knew they resented me, and I hated them for it. I never wanted kids because I never wanted them to feel like this. I never wanted to be hated, and I never wanted to hate them.

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Well she wants to be the Queen
Then she thinks about her scene
Pulls her hair back as she screams
I don't really wanna be the queen…
Pulls her hair back as she scream
I don’t really wanna live this life…