Seventeen and Invincible

“Oh my God,” I sighed, plopping down next to Garrett at the lunch table. “I have a freaking AP Lit paper due Monday. It’s the second day of school.”

“Well,” he laughed, “that’s what you get for being an overachiever and taking AP.” I rolled my eyes and smacked him playfully, stealing a French fry from his tray.

“You had the grades. You should have taken it too. We usually have every class together and this year all we have is lunch and music theory.” He sighed loudly and looked out the window.

“Anika, it’s a full year course.” He stopped and turned back to me and my blank expression. “If I take full year courses, I can’t graduate in December.” I made an ‘o’ with my mouth, closed it quickly and looked down at the table. He sighed again when I began tracing patterns in the table with my index finger. “You aren’t going to be okay, are you?” I shrugged and stood quickly.

“I’m gonna go to the library,” I started, throwing my tote bag over my shoulder. “I’ll see you later?” I started to walk away when he caught my arm. “What, Garrett?” I sighed.

“Are you going to be okay?” I shrugged him off of me and shrugged my shoulders in response.

“Garrett, just stop, okay? Let’s not talk about it.” He took hold of my arm as I started to walk away again. “Not here, Garrett. We aren’t doing this here. Let me go, just stop, alright?” He refused to let go, so I yanked my arm away. “Not today.”

He followed me out of the cafeteria and stopped me halfway down the hallway. “Anika,” he yelled, trying to keep my attention. “What the hell is going on? You’ve been like this for a while, and quite honestly, I’m worried. I can’t help you if you won’t talk.” I rolled my eyes and turned to face him.

“You can’t help this time, Garrett. You really just can’t.” I sighed and chipped the nail polish from the corner of my nail. “No one can.”

“I don’t get it. Molly was sick, she got better and then you just snapped. I don’t even know if I know you anymore, Ani. I miss my best friend.”

“And I miss mine, but he seems to be off in all of these wonderful places while I’m stuck where ever Molly decides I should be.” I sighed and I felt like I was folding into myself, shrinking away in that hallway. “I’ve gotta go start my Lit paper, otherwise I’ll just leave it until Sunday at midnight.” He didn’t try to stop me and I didn’t actually move. I just stood there and stared at him. He looked hurt. He looked lost. My eyes drifted between him and the orange tiled floor until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I saw it this way, I had two options. I could turn and walk away to the library, or I could run into the arms of my best friend. I chose option number two. I think it took less than a second for me to reach him, despite the distance that had found its way between us. “It’s okay,” he soothed holding me tightly. “Shh,” he whispered in my ear. His arms were tightly and gently around my body and my arms were thrown haphazardly around his chest. “Ani, come on, it’ll be alright.” I sniffled. I didn’t want to be crying. I didn’t want to cry. If I cried it’d only hurt him and it would only make everything worse.

“I’m sorry,” I sighed against his chest. “I’m so sorry.” He held me close and continued to shush me. I hated being like this—helpless. I hated how much I needed Garrett.

“You didn’t do anything, Ani. You have nothing to be sorry for.” I shook my head. I didn’t do anything yet. “Just, come on, calm down,” he shushed me. When it was no use, he led me by the hand out to his car.

--------------------♥--------------------

“Are you ever going to tell me what’s bothering you?” he sighed. I shrugged.

“It doesn’t matter, Garrett,” I whispered. “It isn’t something you can fix. It isn’t like an eating disorder. It isn’t like the cutting or the depression, Garrett. Neither of us can fix it. So, let’s just forget about it for now.” I curled against him on the blanket. The heat was outrageous, but I didn’t care—the closer I was to Garrett, the happier I could be.

“Maybe I can, Ani. Maybe I can fix it.” I shook my head. Only Molly could keep me here and only God could ensure that Garrett felt like I did.

“Garrett, just don’t, okay? Just drop the subject, please. Just, just don’t let me go.” He sighed, nodded and tightened his arms around me. I shifted my head on his chest. The sun was starting to set, so it was hurting my eyes.

“I won’t let go,” he sighed. “I promise I won’t.” I smiled a little bit and held onto him.
I lifted my head to look at him at the same time that he had been about to kiss the top of my head. Instead, because of my movement, his lips hit the corner of my mouth. Instead of leaving it at just that—a mistake—I kissed him again, softly. I pulled his face to mine and kissed him until I couldn’t breathe.

I had crawled on top of him, kissing him until my lips were raw. He wasn’t exactly noncompliant, just a little taken aback. There was something about the feeling of his lips on mine that made me feel okay. Kissing Garrett felt like there were fireworks going off above my head. There was something about the feeling of his lips on mine that made me want more. All the pain was gone. I didn’t want to scream, I didn’t really want to cry, I didn’t want to dig a blade into my wrist, and I didn’t feel the need to not eat. I felt happy.

I couldn’t stop and I couldn’t help the few desperate moans that escaped my lips. I couldn’t let Garrett go.

“Anika,” he whispered, pulling away, out of breath. “Anika, stop,” he said softly. “We can’t do this. We can’t do anything.” I shook my head, moving closer to him again. “Anika, this isn’t right.” I shook my head. His red plaid shirt had been unbuttoned a while back and my t-shirt had been discarded, leaving me in a very see through white wife beater.

“No,” I said quickly. I pulled him back to me. “No, Garrett,” I whispered, tears filling my eyes.

“Anika, what’s going on? Why are you acting like this?” I shook my head. “Anika?”

“No,” I whispered, shaking my head and closing my eyes. “No!” I yelled, frustrated.

“Ani, what’s wrong?” I lie down next to him, my back next to him. “Why are you crying?” I shook my head. Because this is fucking killing me, you idiot!

“I’m not crying,” I replied bitterly. You’re the reason I’m crying, Arschloch.

“Bullshit,” he stated simply. “Bullshit. You are crying. I can hear it in your voice.” I shrugged. I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t want him to see that I was crying over him stopping me. “Why are you crying?”

“I am not crying!” I responded angrily, swatting tears away and facing him. “See?” He shook his head and pulled me into a hug.

“Is this about me stopping things? Anika, I’m not having sex with you. I don’t know why you’re acting like this. We’re best friends. That’s it, Ani. And I know you only get like this when you’re hurt, so if you could just let me know who or what is hurting you, then maybe I can help you.”

“Nothing is hurting me. I’m hurting myself, okay? It’s all in my fucking head! I’m crazy, okay?” He sighed and wrapped his arms around me.

“You aren’t crazy, Anika.”

“Then why do I feel like I am?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.” I shook my head because I didn’t know.

“Garrett?” I asked quietly, getting a ‘hm?’ in reply. “Garrett, please don’t leave me here. Please don’t let them make me go. Please, Garrett. Please?” He had no clue what I was talking about, but he knew that all I needed was the nod he responded with.