Crazy Beautiful
I Was The Light From The Lamp On The Floor And Only As Bright As You Wanted Me To Be.
January 2007. I met Casey. He was the first boy to plow through my heavily constructed walls around my heart and just settle himself in all cozy like. We probably could’ve dated but when he fancied me, I didn’t fancy him and when I finally did fancy him, he didn’t fancy me. But we were best friends and that’s what mattered. He started dating this girl named Laura in March. He always chose me over her. He sat with me, next to me, at lunch and dinner in the cafeteria; “she knows I can spend time with her whenever, but I want to be with you at meals.” If looks could kill, I’d have been dead about thirty-seven times that semester. When they broke up, she asked (with an non-showing pointing finger in my direction) if there was someone else, he told her no. “It’s always been you, always comes back to you.” That’s what he said to me after the night they broke up.
August 2007, brought me Brigham. Casey took a backseat, not by my own doing, but Brigham’s. They were in constant notions to see who could share the most time with me, if they couldn’t do it alone, I had them together. It was amusing and entertaining. I had two best friends who were both male, something I thought I’d never have again. And that was it, they were just friends. Brigham made Casey’s demolition on my walls look like an old lady doing needle-point. I’ve never connected with anyone the way he and I did. It terrified me—it still does to this day.
November 2007. I withdrew from college. All the while, having those awesome moments with my friends, my depression still lurked and chose then to rear its ugly head once again. I told my advisor I was leaving. I had stopped attending classes and I wasn’t sleeping. It was a waste of time, I’d rather have W’s instead of F’s on my transcript. I can explain W’s with a fighting chance, F’s, everyone assumes you failed or you’re stupid. November to January (2008) I went into one of my isolation modes again, except this time, this time I had Brigham, he refused to let me push him away (he still does). He was also the only person I would willingly initiate conversation with too. Sometimes he still is. I didn’t tell him what I was dealing with, but we would talk about anything and everything like we always did.
August 2007, brought me Brigham. Casey took a backseat, not by my own doing, but Brigham’s. They were in constant notions to see who could share the most time with me, if they couldn’t do it alone, I had them together. It was amusing and entertaining. I had two best friends who were both male, something I thought I’d never have again. And that was it, they were just friends. Brigham made Casey’s demolition on my walls look like an old lady doing needle-point. I’ve never connected with anyone the way he and I did. It terrified me—it still does to this day.
November 2007. I withdrew from college. All the while, having those awesome moments with my friends, my depression still lurked and chose then to rear its ugly head once again. I told my advisor I was leaving. I had stopped attending classes and I wasn’t sleeping. It was a waste of time, I’d rather have W’s instead of F’s on my transcript. I can explain W’s with a fighting chance, F’s, everyone assumes you failed or you’re stupid. November to January (2008) I went into one of my isolation modes again, except this time, this time I had Brigham, he refused to let me push him away (he still does). He was also the only person I would willingly initiate conversation with too. Sometimes he still is. I didn’t tell him what I was dealing with, but we would talk about anything and everything like we always did.