The Best Is Yet to Come

And so they made it a couple of months later. They recorded and released a small EP known as ‘We Know What It Means to Be Alone’ – I thought it was a bit of a dramatic name but still it sold the genre.

I turned the small compact disk over and over in my hand smiling with satisfaction at what they’d accomplished. I ran my fingers over the small case and couldn’t stop the smile that was dying to escape. I had to bite down on my lip to stop myself crying out with happiness and hugging every single one of them.

Without even asking, knowing that’d he’d protest, I launched myself off the sofa and headed towards the CD player.

“Jasey!” Josh called angrily, just like I was a naughty child misbehaving. I chucked it and hit play. I spun around on my heel, pressing my hands to my back to smile at him innocently. He groaned and sunk into the sofa, grabbing a pillow to bury his face into or to scream into. The rest of the band looked less bothered although they did look like they didn’t want to listen to themselves again. They were all too busy distracted by the Xbox. Max, of course, was at the controller and was battling Matt.

“Ha! Get him! You son of-” I distracted Matt by growling, he turned to look at me and froze. I must have been frightening because he stopped dead.

“Yes!” Max shouted. Obviously, my distraction had cost Matt a life. I sat down cross legged in front of the CD as if guarding it.

Josh’s mum, dad and sister all entered the room when the first track ‘This Turbulence is Beautiful’ started to play. Elissa ruffled her brother’s hair with a laugh when his screaming vocals kicked in and collapsed into my empty seat.

Josh threw his pillow at her – Oh brotherly love. I lifted my hand and blindly searched for the volume button to turn it up. The room was soon filled with the sound of Josh’s screaming and the boy’s beautifully crafted unique music, as well as the sound of gun fire from the TV. The track was really well crafted. Josh had recorded different stuff to be added as layers on the piece which worked perfectly. I loved the way his voice switched from screaming to the harmoniously smooth voice of his although I suspected that had something to do with the producing with the track.

Something occurred to me as the repeating bridge kicked in.

“On and on. It's just the same old song we're singing.”

“You sound American!” I gasped and even pointed my finger at Josh. He looked up from watching the boy’s battle on the TV to look at me perplexed, as if I’d gone mad.

“Ha!” Max laughed and got up onto his knees. “And you do! DIE!”

Josh glared at the back of his best friend’s and band mate’s head. The rest of the room laughed as they listened to the progressing track. Elissa nudged her brother playfully.

“Oh shut up!” he grunted and folded his arms sulkily.

“Awww,” Joe and Chris chorused together when he looked away. He scratched the end of his nose and tried to look unbothered by the whole thing. I smiled and winked to reassure him. I tried to fix any doubt I may have caused.

“Guys, this EP is amazing,” I said with pure amazement as the sounds of ‘New Jersey’ kicked in.

“Aww crap!” Max shouted and sunk back onto the floor. Matt was grinning smugly – he’d obviously won. The pair re-joined the conversation.

“We’re gonna have to sell it at shows if we’re gonna get any dosh in.” Max rubbed his fingers together and smiled greedily.

“What’d you mean sell? We’re going to have to give this away for free for some attention,” Chris told him with a sigh.

“When we move up to get some publicity then we can sell,” Matt promised him when Max’s face fell.

“But don’t sell out,” Elissa reminded them all pointedly. Josh rolled his eyes and looked at his sister like she was crazy.

“What the fu-”

“Language Josh,” his mother chided with a smile before leaving the room. We all waited for her to leave the room before we ribbed him with looks. The sounds of ‘Promise Promise’ died out and were replaced by the cleverly crafted introduction of ‘Noises’. The room actually went silent. I wished so hard that the boys would carry on with their game.

I wouldn’t look up to meet the uncomfortable gazes as Josh’s voice started.

“Anyway,” Max said, rather loudly to cover the sound of Josh’s words. He swivelled back around to start a new game. Chris got up and playfully snatched the controller from Max.

“Can I borrow this EP?” I asked the room, still staring at the cream carpe and traced a pattern in the carpet with my fingers. “I want to put it on my iPod.”

“Sure,” Max said with a forced smile in his voice. I nodded and got to my feet. I took the CD out of the player before it got the screaming part.

“Congrats guys,” I told them when I faced them again.

“Yeah, it’s really good,” Elissa backed me up and got to her feet. She dropped the pillow, which Josh had thrown at her earlier, onto his head. “I don’t know who’d want to listen to Josh’s whiney voice mind...”

Josh attacked her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her back down onto the sofa.

“Well I must get that from you!” he spat through clenched teeth as he thoroughly ribbed her with his fingers. Elissa cried and laughed at her brother’s attempts. Max sprang to his feet to help Elissa and I crossed the room in a few strides. I pulled Elissa up whilst Max held Josh back. We all knew he was joking around, he was laughing his head off, but still, we didn’t like to see them fight. Elissa flicked the side of his head lightly before she left. Max and I sat down next to Josh. I elbowed him in the ribs. He needed to learn some respect.

I looked down at the CD I’d taken out of the player and fanned myself with it. I smiled sideward’s at Josh who simply just laughed at my actions.

*

I hitched my bag higher onto my shoulders as I tucked my hands into the pockets of my open black hoody. It was my favourite that I was allowed to wear to school as it fell under the rules. It was a miserable Wednesday afternoon but the floor under my feet remained dry – it was just the sky that looked suspicious. I was keen to get home before the rain started to fall. My thumb glided over the touch sensitive circular button of my iPod and the volume increased.

“… Lets take this to the bedroom so I can undress you,
Ask you are you ready, aren’t you ready , am i?
Even if it hurts you, even if it breaks me,
We wont let this friendship sink.
Where do you get off you left me shaking.
Well here I am out of -”

“Jasey!”

Someone ripped a headphone from my ear and caused my heart to spike with surprise and fear. I recoiled away from Josh who’d appeared out of nowhere.

“Bloody hell!” I shouted at him and smacked his arm several times. “Don’t.Do.That!”

He retreated under each of my blows, chuckling.

“Ow! Alright, calm down!” he grabbed both of my wrists to stop me from hitting him and force me to calm down. I glared up at him and tried to shaking him off but he was too strong. I looked at him surprised.

“You’re getting strong,” I said, not hiding the surprise in my voice. His smile faded and he let me go.

“Thanks.” He shook his head and the smile lifted back onto his face again. “What were you so intently listening to you didn’t hear me shouting your name down the street?”

Before I could show him, he snatched up my hanging headphone and put it to his ear. His eyebrows shot up in surprise at the sound of his own voice. He laughed and we carried on walking down the street.

“Y’know you really do sound American.” I pulled my iPod out of my pocket to turn it down a bit. Josh just groaned and rolled his eyes – it seemed to be a sensitive subject.

“I mean compared to your talking accent, you sound so… English!” I said exasperatedly and grinned at him. I bumped my shoulder into him when he didn’t respond, his footwork crossed over and he almost fell off the edge of the pavement. I grabbed his arm and stopped him from landing on his arse.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing,” I told him and switched my iPod off. Josh just nodded and scuffed the edge of the pavement with his worn trainer.

“Josh, can I ask you something?” I could already feel the blood rush to my cheeks. This was an awkward subject between us both.

“Of course you can,” he responded, completely oblivious on what I was about to ask.

“You say the lines ‘Lets take this to the bedroom so I can undress you, ask you are you ready, aren’t you ready , am i?’”

Josh slowed down ever so slightly, an impressive look flashed across his face before his eyes widened and his cheeks turned pink.

“What does it mean…?” I asked cautiously, watching his every reaction. Josh raised his shoulders and let them fall into a would-be-casual shrug but it was too stiff.

“I needed a filler.”

Liar. I’d never thought about it before but we were all… teenagers. If he wasn’t going to tell me I’d leave it to my own interpretation – whatever that was…

“Okay then,” I pressed on from the uncomfortable conversation. “And then you say something like, ‘Even if it hurts you, even if it breaks me’ and ‘Where do you get off you left me shaking?’ Sorry, I’ve got to know.”

Josh paused on the pavement and I stopped too. The sky overhead was growing ominously darker as the clouds rolled in. I glanced nervously upwards and started to bounce at my impatience. I should have asked when we were in somewhere dry.

“Does it really matter?” Josh asked with a sigh.

“Yes, if you’re going to write songs about me, I want to know what that means,” I said indignantly and a little disgruntled. Josh smiled meekly at my pouty expression and tone. He seemed really reluctant to answer the question.

“I was just… angry. I don’t… like Alex.” He stared at his trainers as he spoke. I took the small blow that I expected to be a lot worse. “I didn’t want anyone to come in between us no matter how I acted. I was stupid and immature and a pilock.”

I made to stop him but he pushed on anyway.

“I just accentuated everything else cause it’s just a song. Okay, I had a little or inspiration but it’s still just a song. Not every song out there has a meaning.” He finally met my gaze again with an apologetic smile. I threaded my arm through his and carried on walking.

“Well it’s my favourite off the album.” I laughed and bumped him again, but more softly this time. “Where are you heading?” We were almost at my house.

“Yours, obviously.” Josh grinned cheekily. I nudged him in the ribs in mock outrage.

“S’alright, just invite yourself,” I said sarcastically but couldn’t help but smile. “Come on then.”

***

Katie and I watched from the sidelines of the photographers white canvas, various artist lamps and lights were set up behind the camera to create a darkish feel to the photo’s he was producing. The boys stood in a line; Josh, Max and Joe at the front and the taller Matt and Chris stood behind.

Katie’s head tilted to the side as the camera flashed several times. I blinked involuntarily and was forced to rub my eyes. The guys rearranged themselves for a new pose. My leg vibrated and I stepped back to look at the message without ruining the lighting.

‘Hey, are you busy tonight? I’ve got a few friends coming round, bring Katie if you want xxx’ – Alex.

I grimaced at the fact the boys weren’t invited. I pulled on Katie’s arm and dragged her back to show her the text. Her face lit up and she nodded vigorously. I replied to the text with an acceptance. The boys would find something to do without us. They’d probably go get pissed somewhere…

“Alright, thanks guys, hang on a moment,” the photographer said from behind the camera before he moved to move a light that giving off a blue tinge. Max turned around to look at his mates and jumped on Josh. They all loosened up from their previous serious pose.

“Perfect, just be natural guys,” the photographer coaxed and settled behind his camera again. I glanced sideward’s at Katie and we both burst out laughing.

“Have you listened to the EP yet?” I asked her when we left. The boys were behind us laughing and joking.

“Yeah,” she said and pulled out her phone to reply to a text she’d gotten. She left it there and lost herself in the issue with her phone. I spun on my heel to wait for my boys.

We managed to sneak away that evening without questioning from the band who seemed to have their own plans that night.

Katie and I spent the evening at Alex’s house where I got to mainly curl up on the sofa next to him whilst Katie talked to a few of his friends. It was a nice evening, it was a nice change of scenery and nice to see different faces. Of course, being teenagers we got a bit tipsy and Alex walked me home safely whilst clinging onto my tightly.

The next day was a school day and I was feeling the effects of my little binge the night before. I collapsed into my usual seat in English and pressed my forehead to the cold table with an audible groan. It took me several moments to realise he wasn’t sitting next to me. I lifted my head slowly from the desk to glance around with slight confusion. Josh always sat by me.

I heard a high pitched giggle that sent a shiver down my spine. Nia Davies entered the room, in her tiny black skirt and tight fitting blouse, her ratty hair extensions flowed almost all the way down to her waist. She was more or less orange; with so many layers of make up on she was literally caked in the stuff. She was gently tugging on some poor boys arm, or not so poor. It was probably one of the ‘rolid’ rugby spice boys that treated girls like shit. Ha, she deserved him.

Then he stepped through the door and my internal thought just stopped dead. It took the entire time for him to walk across the class for my to actually comprehend what was happening. Nia was giggling and fluttering her fake eyelashes that were coated in mascara. Josh glanced at me nervously. My mouth was hanging very widely open. No way, no, no, no, no way!

“Come sit with us?” Nia asked and bit her foundation covered lip. Her ‘best friends’ all strutted over to their usual table in the left hand corner, far away from me – I did not want to be in the scent line of their slutty perfume. Josh glanced at my one more time. I shook my head but he only sent me an apologetic look before he turned and let Nia lead him away.

I snapped my pencil in half.

He was abandoning me for her?! For HER?! What the fuck had I missed last night?!

Josh settled into the seat next to her and she shifted herself to block him from my view. I ground my teeth together and stared at my snapped pencil. The feeling of rejection stung hard. Nia Davies? Seriously! Before they started the whole band thing she’d never looked at him once. I thought back to the party where Jack had told us he was leaving, she’d been with him then, but it was after they’d made public what they were doing. After the gig they performed at David’s the other night must have synched things for her as she realised how amazing these boys were going to be the same time I did. She’d been in the circle of whores dancing and screaming. Josh was an idiot. Couldn’t he see past the obvious?

I looked back over to him. No. No he couldn’t. Nia ran her fingers through the side of his hair and giggled in her high pitch squeal.

He wasn’t going to live this down. Why was I so bothered by it? The last time I’d seen them making out in the bathroom I thought it was down right hilarious – now, I wanted to kill her. Was I just being protective? She was after him for the wrong reasons right? I didn’t want him to get hurt. Yeah, that was it - that what I was telling myself. It wasn’t because I was… jealous. I swallowed hard.

I endured English alone, hardly being able to concentrate on the Romeo and Juliet text we were reading. When the siren went I threw my bag onto my shoulder and stormed from the room without even as much as a glance. Nia was in 90% of my classes so I sat alone in every single one of them. Katie wasn’t as… bright as me, so we were in different sets for the subjects I had that day.

“Max?” I asked weakly, pressing my phone tightly to my ear. Katie was leaning towards the mirror in the girl’s bathroom to examine the reflection. She pulled out her little make up bag and squeezed a large amount of foundation onto her fingers.

“What’s the matter?” He evidently picked up something was wrong. I heard someone on the other end of the phone ask who it was. Matt?

“What happened-” I stopped when the door swung open and Nia with her friends entered. “Never mind.” I turned away from her, unable to look at her face without wanting to claw it off. I took a deep breath. “Can I see you after school?”

“Yeah sure, we’ve finished for the day. What’s happened?”

“Nothing, I just need to talk to you and is Matt with you?”

“Yeah, he’s here.”

“Good, thanks. I’ve got one more lesson, I’ll meet you at Starbucks in Bentall Centre? Thank you Max.” I ended the call after he said his goodbye and took another calming breath before I was forced to face her.

“Yeah sure,” Katie smiled at her, handing over her favourite pink lip gloss. What was she doing?

“Katie can we go?” I asked her quietly, snatching her arm and trying to pull her away from the skanks.

“Yeah two secs,” she said without turning to face me. She ran her fingers through her hair and tilted her head to examine it from every angle available.

“Thanks.” Nia handed back the lip-gloss with a fake smile plastered over her fake face. “Oh hey Jasey.”

I had to control the anger the boiled through me so much my fists began to shake. I didn’t even acknowledge her as I turned away in disgust.

“Josh is a great kisser,” she called after me as I swung the door open. I paused.

“Well you’ve done enough to compare.” I turned my head to smile bitterly sweet at her. Anger flashed across her face as her eyes narrowed. I laughed with fake sweetness and stormed from the bathroom grinding my teeth together. I gave up on last lesson. It was maths and I wasn’t up for talking to Josh right now, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. I wanted to cry but I didn’t know why. What the hell was wrong with me?

I stormed from school undetected and hurried to Bentall Centre. I ordered the fattest, creamiest, sugariest, archery clogging frappachino on offer and sat down towards the corner. Max and Matt joined me earlier than expected. They spotted me in the corner, curled up on one the sofa, staring at the creamy concoction through the transparent cup. I stirred the mixture with the green straw before taking a sip. It was too icy for my liking.

“Hey Jase,” Matt said gently as he and Max pulled up two wooden chairs opposite me. I looked up upon their arrival and just frowned.

“Are you alright?” Max asked gingerly. Was I okay?

“Yes,” I responded slowly before taking another sip. Then I remembered why I called them here and sat up. “What happened last night?”

“I told you,” Matt hissed to Max who dismissed him.

“What?” I asked carefully. They exchanged a pained look – like they didn’t want to tell me.

“This is about Josh and Nia right?” Matt leant forwards, resting his arms on his knees.

“So they are together?” Frustration, irritation and sadness all washed over me. I refused to name the other emotion that had my eyes glowing green. It wasn’t like that between me and Josh! I had Alex… Anger boosted my energy and forced me to sit up right.

“What happened?” I demanded a second time through clenched teeth. “Where did you go last night?”

“We headed up towards the rugby club,” Matt explained in a tone full of remorse.

“And…?” I pressed on. Max lifted his head to shake his head at me.

“And what do you think happened? Who was there? Josh and Nia hooked up.”

I didn’t want to accept the news. I couldn’t believe it even though I’d seen it.

“She has him?” I asked without looking up. The image of Nia hanging onto Josh’s arm earlier filled my brain.

“They’re going out, yes,” Matt confirmed my deepest fears – forcing me to face reality.

“You have Alex Jase,” Max said after several moments.

“I know,” I whispered and stared at my slushy drink. “I think I’m just a bit upset cause he abandoned me this morning. I haven’t spoken to him all day. He’s been with her.”

Okay, so I was lying, kind of. I was the one ignoring but I was really upset because he’d dumped me, his best friend for years, for some cheap ho.

“It won’t always be like that,” Matt soothed and came and sat next to me, obviously my face was more depressed than I’d realised. I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed.

“I don’t want things to change.” I turned my head so my forehead was pressed against his shoulder. He shifted his arm and I fell into his chest.

“It’ll be fine,” Max told me earnestly.

Why were things so fucked up all the time? Things always went wrong. Our friendships were so complicated. Why couldn’t things run smoothly. Why couldn’t we make up our minds what we wanted? Understand what we wanted. I just wanted a normal teenage life – was this it? Was this what was to be expected. Heartache and denial and rejection? Was this for real?

I grunted a frustrated sigh and whimpered into Matt’s chest.

“Why don’t you just tell him Jase?” Max asked me. I lifted my head to look at him.

“Who?”

Max’s eyes flashed to Matt’s and back before he answered.

“Josh. It’s obvious how crazy you two are about each other.” Max leant back in his chair nervously, expecting the worst from reaction to what he’d just said.

“He’s like my brother,” I said automatically. Was that true? Yes it was, I think. “Oh just let him have the stupid whore. She’s fucking using him mind!”

“As long as he’s happy, what does it matter?” Max resigned with a sigh.

“That’s we said to Josh after he went on a mentie fit about you and Alex.” Matt’s voice rumbled under my ear. I just nodded and sighed again.

I thanked my best friends for their help and their support. I wandered home alone with my iPod in. I skipped over the boy’s album because I was just unable to listen to Josh’s voice. I put The Blackout’s album ‘The Blackout! The Blackout! The Blackout!’ but decided the screaming reminded me too much of the album I was avoiding. So I stuck on ‘The Party Scene’ by All Time Low - an album that was growing on me rapidly. I reminded myself to download their new EP when I got home. I was half way through ‘Hometown Heroes; National Nobodies’ and almost home when my headphone was yet again pulled from my ear.

I knew who it was before I turned to scream at him.

“What?” I demanded angrily when I finally spun around to face him.

Josh recoiled under the sheer ferocity in my voice. I shook my head at him and turned away again.

“I don’t want to talk,” I told him bluntly and hurried down the street.

“Jasey, I just want-”

“To explain?” I spun on my heel and marched back towards him, digging my finger into his chest. “What? I’m the last to know? I had to wait until this morning where you ABANDONED ME? I have every reason to act like this Franceschi! You fucked off for a fucking week with me remember? This case is way worse!”

Josh had gotten all defensive under my rant. His chest had puffed up as I stabbed at it with my index finger. He knocked my hand away, all thoughts of apology wiped off his face.

“How is it worse?!” he demanded from me, he towered over me but I shoved him away.

“Because I never left you for him!” I screamed furiously. That seemed to hit home because Josh’s face fell and he sunk back, deflating. He looked down guiltily at the floor. “I’d never leave you Josh.”

I let him dwell upon that honest fact. I didn’t spend every moment of my life with him but I didn’t turn him away if he was alone. The night I’d gone off with Alex - he had his friends. Last night – he had his friends. Today – he’d left me completely alone. I stormed away from him but caught myself, eager to express one more fact before I left.

“She’s using you. If you weren’t lead singer of a band that is going places, she wouldn’t look at you twice.”

Even I knew how harsh my words were but I was so damn angry that I just didn’t care. I caught a glimpse of his wounded face before I stalked off half in tears. I knew I would grow to regret those words when he didn’t come after me.

I turned to Alex for comfort, even though he wasn’t the arms I wanted to snuggle into to tell me everything was going to be okay.

***

We reverted to our previous phase that happened before Christmas. We didn’t talk. We didn’t talk for months and months and months. I refused to let my other best friends slip away but it became harder and harder to maintain a close friendship – eventually I lost them. They didn’t attend my school and they were Josh’s band. I didn’t expect for our bitter argument to last as long as it did. We were both equally too stubborn to apologise to one another. I thought after everything that had happened before we’d be able to make it through. But with her arm around his neck - it sickened me to even look in his direction.

There soon became a visible divide in the school. Josh’s school friends joined with the slag group forming one rather large ‘popular’ one. Katie was the only person to flitter between the two. If I wasn’t on the other side - she would never come back. I was grateful for her loyalty.

The new division made school life Hell. I was at the bottom of the social ladder, sneered upon by the slags who’d gained total dominance. Bullying was developed on a new subconscious level – we were too ‘mature’ for name calling and too ‘dignified’ to start fights. I’d never hated life before.

I became lost in myself, seeking to be alone, with headphones in and hood up avoiding all social interaction from people I was beginning to loath. The only album left untouched on my iPod was ‘We Know What It Means To Be Alone’. Lyrics seemed to mean everything – I was beginning to understand them more than anything.

I ignored the invites that soon started to dwindle. I sat alone or with Alex on a Friday and Saturday night too scared to face the outside world and the rejections that came with it. I truly hated my life.

It was the almost the end of school when I finally snapped. Nia and Becca Lewis strutted towards me in the corridor, a group consisting of boys, not far behind them. Fully knowing who was going to be in that group I turned on the heel of my black pump to face the other direction.

“Holy shit, she just looks a total mess, no wonder that boyfriend of hers was chatting up you the other night.”

Still in the action of turning away, I carried on so I came full circle and launched myself at the selfish, ugly, fake, mother fucking cow that had ruined everything. She was provoking me, I knew it but I couldn’t stop the instincts that had taken over. She’d trodden right on my last nerve snapping all sanity I had left. All the months and months frustration that had built up inside of me finally was vented through the punch I threw at her.

It was a hard blow and we both fell to the floor. It was like I had blackout out and had no control over my body. Everyone rushed in towards us, there were several high pitched screams, chants of ‘fight’ and cries of ‘break it up’ from some of the boys. I had my fingers grasping her jaw as I hissed down at her.

“You fucking bitch!” I cried at her, her face close to mine. I’d never hated anyone this much before. There couldn’t be a person on this earth that hated someone as much as I hated the piece of shit.

Then someone pulled me off her and I watched smugly as she crawled away her eyes wide with fear – maybe she wouldn’t bother my any more. The person pulled me to my feet not roughly but carefully – it gave me the impression they weren’t angry at what I’d done.

“She’s a fucking animal!” Nia cried from the other side of the room in the arms of another boy. Where was…?

Who ever was holding me tightened their grasp on my arm as I made towards her again.

“Hey, calm down,” they whispered softly in my ear – their tone full of concern. The voice sent a convulsion of mixed emotions through me. I ripped my arm from his grasp and spun around, slapping him extremely hard across the face.

Josh’s head turned away from me with the force of the slap which he seemed to accept without any fight in him.

“Don’t!” I spat tearfully through teeth clenched so hard I thought they were going to break. His cheek was already glowing a strong and nasty looking shade of red. “Just… don’t!”

I shoved past him without looking into his eyes – I knew I’d shatter. I felt his head turn to watch me as I stormed out of the building.

I left the school grounds without so much of a care that it was only second lesson in. Josh’s single sentence rang through me ears over and over again. The voice was like a stranger with only a hint of the person I knew was left. I hadn’t heard it in so long, it sounded different – deeper.

My mother received a call that evening from the school. Apparently Nia had reported the incident with several eyewitnesses keen to give their account. I was suspended for three days. I expected her to scream and shout and ground me - but she didn’t. Evidently she’d seen a change in me as the year had progressed and seemed to understand the build up of emotion. She scolded me for hitting her and told me I shouldn’t vent my anger that way. She opened her arms to me and I fell into them – the only place in the entire world where, at the moment, I felt safe. I cried silently for most of the evening. Everything was finally coming out. The emotional wall I’d built up throughout the year had finally been knocked down. This was my outburst.

Katie called around to check on me the next day when I didn’t turn up to school. She wanted a full blown account of what had happened because I was feeling a bit better. We managed to laugh about the situation and the news of Nia’s black eye had me smiling. It had been worth it then. Alex called in because Katie had texted him about it all. It was nice to be around people and I felt less alone.

Then I received three unexpected visitors around seven o’clock. Three faces entered my living room that I hadn’t seen in over a month – Chris, Matt and Max. I couldn’t speak – I was literally speechless. I uncurled from Alex’s side to sit up and gape at them. Katie smiled ever so slightly from her seat opposite. My eyes flashed to her.

“Katie called us and Josh told us what happened,” Max explained my unspoken question. All three of them looked at me with such sympathy I felt completely pathetic when tears streamed silently down my cheeks - I really was letting it all out. Max pulled me to my feet and into a tight hug.

“Things can’t go on like this,” Alex told the band members when I’d pulled away from my final hug from Chris. Max and Matt resigned with a sigh of agreement.

“We’ve spoken to him,” Matt explained scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “He won’t listen.”

“He’s being a fucking twat,” Alex sneered and pulled me back onto his lap. I shook my head miserably and apologetically at the band members before they could retort.

“Don’t.” The whispered command was to everyone in the room. I realised the three boys standing before me had nothing against my steady boyfriend. The guys settled into seats around my living room and stayed there for most of the evening. It was nice to see familiar faces that didn’t hate me. At the moment, it felt everyone was against me. I know I was exaggerating but that’s what it felt like. That’s what it feels like when you’re young. One thing goes wrong and it literally is the end of the world for you.

“Are you up to coming out tomorrow?” Alex asked me when the credits closed on the film we’d been in the middle of watching when the guys entered.

I hesitated. Katie sat up a little straighter next to Max.

“Come on Jase, it’ll be good for you. Show them you’re not afraid.” She grinned at me with reassurance that I wasn’t feeling.

“She’s right,” Alex squeezed me gently and kissed the top of my head.

“Plus you can get a look at your handiwork of ruining Nia’s face.” Katie laughed at the image in her head.

“They’re gonna all be there tomorrow?” I asked miserably.

“Well… they’ll probably gate crash…” Matt muttered awkwardly from his corner.

“What?”I asked in confusion.

“This boy in my class is having a birthday bash tomorrow. He’s really rich and has a massive place, everyone in the area’s gonna be there,” Alex explained for me.

“Right,” I said simply and still frowned. Did I want to…?

“We’ll all be there to look after you,” Katie promised, she seemed desperate for me to come.

“I won’t leave your side,” Alex whispered in my ear softly. I smiled when his warm breath tickled my ear.

“Yeah and by the sounds of what you did to the girl, she ain’t gonna try anything tomorrow, good job girrrrrrrl” Max curved the last word and wink. I smiled back when everyone else burst into laughter.

“And we’ll be on your side if any little punks from Year 11 start on you,” Chris assured from my right.

“Alright,” I said after a moment of internal debating.

“Good.” Alex squeezed me again and kissed my temple.

I received another round of comforting hugs before everyone left the premises. Alex pressed his lips to mine several times until I smiled with actual happiness.

“Tomorrow is going to be fine,” Alex reassured and unwound his arms from around me. I just nodded and kissed him gently before I waved him goodbye.

***

My lips pressed together tightly and then puckered. I leant forwards in the mirror to examine my lipstick handiwork; the light shade of pink complimented the powder highlighting my cheekbones, but something was missing.

“Here.” Katie handed me her lip-gloss.

“Thaaank you.” I took the lip gloss gratefully but then stopped myself when I recognised it. It was the one Katie had offered to Nia. “On second thoughts, I don’t want skank germs.”

“Oi!” Katie protested with her mouth hanging open as she applied another coat of mascara. Then she cottoned on. “Oh…”

“Yeah…”

Katie rifled through her make up bag until she found another one.

“Cheers,” I said through taught lips. “We go to too many house parties.”

“There is never enough house parties.” Katie fluttered her lashes several times and leant forward to check herself close up. I bit on my freshly glossed lip and looked down at the kitchen sink. Katie’s eyes shifted to me.

“Jasey calm down, tonight’s gonna be fine, I promise.”

Our chat ended and we went back to preparing ourselves for the night ahead. I ran my fingers loosely through my hair teasing it and split it down the back to hang over my shoulders. I pushed my shoulders back and chest forwards. The respectable low cut on the black top worked perfectly and my purple heels matched my skirt to a tee. I picked up the darkened eye-shadow brush and dusted the corners of my eyes to create a smoky effect.

“Ready?” I asked Katie who was reapplying her lip gloss. She grabbed her clutch bag and smiled.

“Ready.”

Alex’s older brother, who was really good mates with the birthday boy, picked us up. We parked somewhere down the street and got out into the relatively warm summer night. Alex wrapped his arm around my waist which I was grateful for because I felt very self conscious as we walked up the driveway to the enormous house. I’d never been in this estate before but I’d seen it from where I’d lived. My mother always used to look out of her window and envy the fancy cars that drove up.

Music seemed to radiate from the house as we approached it. I gaped at the actual size of the house when we stepped inside. It was cream, decorated elaborately with black and gold streamers, balloons, lights and confetti. People already seemed to crowd the wide hallways and rooms. There was an absolutely mammoth size TV hanging over the mantel piece in the living room. An impressive speaker system and DJ set was towards the north wall. The party was in full swing.

I was thankful that the guests seemed to be college age or over. Although every now and then I caught glimpses of familiar faces who were either snickering or pulling impressed looks. I just stuck to Alex’s side and chatted to Katie at every opportunity where Alex got too distracted by some of his friends.

The only time I panicked was when someone snatched me from behind and swung me off my feet. I screamed at the surprise and batted at the arms wrapped around my middle. I was put back down on the floor and turned to face Matt’s grinning face.

“It’s nice to see you out and about again missy!” he commented cheerily and kissed my reddened cheeks. I laughed and smiled at genuninly at him.

“Feels quite good,” I admitted with equal merriness.

“That’s the alcohol,” Matt teased and knocked his can with my own.

“Alcohol doesn’t affect me much,” I commented with a confused frown. “Hmm. Where’s everyone else?”

“Around...” Matt shrugged and glanced over my shoulder. I turned to look and saw a load of boys from my year enter, Joe was in the group. I snapped my head around quickly and gripped Matt’s arm. My heart pounded in my ears and I bit my lip nervously.

“It’ll be fine,” Matt reassured and shook my shoulder gently. “Fine. Oh shit! Wow! Fucking good job Jase!”

I knew who had just entered the room. Matt pulled me away from the drinks table and to the side so I could get a peak without standing out. I turned to look at Nia Davies’ pathetic attempt to cover her bruises.

“Oh my God,” I breathed. She had a giant shiner exactly where I’d hit her, she’d attempted to cover it layers of foundation but the blue-ish colour still shone through. She had a few cuts on her cheek as well. Had I done that? The laugh that escaped my lips was not intentional.

“Ha!” I cried and Matt stepped in front of me to block me from view of the eyes that were turning in my direction. I clapped my hand over my mouth and giggled on a high of alcohol and pride. Her crowd cleared most of the ice bucket holding the drinks. Matt turned his back on me to watch them as they left the room.

“I’m sorry, but that is brilliant!” I pressed my hand to my waist and bent over laughing. Matt pulled me up straight and dragged me back over to Alex.

“This one seems to have had a bit too much, take care of her,” Matt informed him before turning away to follow after the crowd – no doubt to find Joe and Josh.

“I’m not drunk,” I commented with a sniff and took another sip of my drink. Alex shook his head whist grinning at me. That lovely crooked heart warming smile… Swoon. I pulled on his shoulders, lifted myself onto my tiptoes to kiss him lightly on the lips. He just wrapped his arms around my waist, I felt the coldness of the can press through my shirt, and kissed me back with a chuckle.

I liked how this evening was turning out. It felt so good to escape the confinements of my house. To be free without fear of those I hated. I’d been too sober for too long.

Despite Matt’s previous comment about my state of mind I continued to drink as if I’d been deprived of the stuff for years and not months. The rush I was getting was unbelievable and I just wanted more of the glorious liquid confidence. Alas, no matter how much I drank it was impossible to escape the inevitable.

“I need to pee,” I said bluntly to Alex several drinks later. “Be right back.”

I unwound from his arms and crossed the large immaculate kitchen without thinking too much. Without thinking who I could run into. Max caught up with me before I could attempt to find the bathroom in the enormous house.

“Jasey,” Max called over the pounding music and hurried down the corridor after me. I turned to smile at the familiar voice that I’d missed over all these months.

“Hey, you alright? Haven’t seen you all night.” I paused on the first step of the marble staircase. Max bounced over to me vibrating energy.

“Lush house init?”

“Yeah, where’s the bathroom?” I genuinely didn’t know where it was.

“Up the stairs, turn right and only open door apparently.”

We were both distracted by the female giggling and lower male chuckle that issued from behind us. They were both obviously very drunk. Our heads snapped around to look at Nia and Josh (oh of course!) who were fooling their way into the corridor. Nia didn’t notice her audience and shifted Josh’s hand onto her thigh. I could feel Max tense nervously next to me.

“Ickk,” I commented before I could stop myself. Nia’s eyes snapped to me, I was pleased to see the flash of fear before she glowered at me with pure hatred that I mutually returned. She wasn’t quite right, there was the drunken look about her. Josh noticed the change in her and turned to see her distraction. I twisted my torso, folded my arms and leant on the banister. His mouth dropped at the sight of me.

“Carry on, please,” I said my tone sickly rich with sarcasm. “Loving the new make up Nia, did you do something different with your eye-shadow?” I couldn’t stop myself. I literally couldn’t stop the words coming out. As Cady from Mean Girls had once put it – it was word vomit.

“Are you just going to let her talk to me like that?” Nia snapped at Josh. I could have sworn he was smiling ever so slightly. He looked at me and I bit my lip nervously. There was a million things I wanted to say to him – a million things that contradicted one another. I hated him, I loved him, I needed him, I wanted to never see him again. My other was – don’t do it. I knew what him and Nia were going to get up to. I sent my silent plea across the room before Max responded.

“He’s not going to say anything,” Max warned for, no doubt, both our benefits. Josh glanced at his best friend who just nodded towards the living room. Josh took the hint and pulled Nia away. I laughed as they retreated away and put all my boy weight on my stomach leaning on the banister. It reminded me I needed to pee.

“Woah,” I laughed when I almost went head over hells.

“Jasey, how much have you had?” Max asked nervously.

“Enough.”

“Will you please take off those heels? I don’t want you breaking an ankle or something.” Max came and stood next to me on the staircase watching me very cautiously.

“Fine.” I kicked off my heels and sent them flying to the bottom of the staircase. I pressed my feet to the cold marble and climbed the amazing staircase that was normally only seen in movies with Max. He held my arm tightly and showed me to the bathroom.

Despite my reassurance that I was fine, he waited outside to take me back down. He took me back to the kitchen and back to Alex. I braved it - Alex, Max, Katie and I all went to dance in the living room. I could feel the eyes from my year on me as I moved next to Alex, held Katie’s hand in the air, drank next to Max. I couldn’t care less; I was on such a high.

I pulled on Alex’s hand desperately and we stumbled into the corridor – was overly keen for some privacy. I pressed my lips to his jaw and then down his neck as we collided with the wall. I laughed and pressed my lips to his. I gently bit my lower lip and he chuckled softly causing me to shiver.

“Come upstairs a moment?” His voice was husky and deep – butterflies of pleasure fluttered around my stomach. He took my hand and led me up the stairs. Alex pressed me up against the wall against and closed the door behind him, kissing down my neck to my shoulder. I shivered with pleasure and bit on my lower lip as his lips teased over my skin. Then I could hear laughter, talking and giggling. I lifted my head up to concentrate and listen to the voices – I knew that voice.

“I don’t know!” Josh was shouting at someone.

“Mate.” It was Max. “Just, stop this.”

Then their voices became too muffled for me to work out what they were saying. I pushed Alex off me and flew to the door, pressing my ear up right against it. Dang. Still couldn’t make out what they were saying.

“Jasey?” Alex called too noisily for my liking.

“Shh!” I hissed just as loud and dropped to my knees, pressing my ear to the floor. God I looked desperate.

“Ja-”

“Please, just be quiet a moment!” I pleaded with Alex, raising my finger to hush him, concentrating on the voices outside. They’d stopped. There were footsteps and then the door was pushed against my head.

“Ow!” I protested and rolled onto my back, clutching at where the door had hit me. I looked up into the confused eyes of Josh and Max.

“Oh, sorry,” Josh muttered before hastily retreating. I wanted to follow him so badly – but that was just the alcohol, right? Max groaned at the interruption and chased after Josh.

“Fucking! Hell!” I shouted and slammed my fists into the dark rouge carpet of the room. I banged my head against it in frustration and glanced over at Alex, he was kneeling next to me shaking his head.

“You are…” He couldn’t finish his sentence, his lips found mine and he kissed me softly. I giggled erratically – seriously, lying down did funny things to the brain. I sat myself up and traced my finger of his perfect features.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“For what?” He twirled a strand of my hair around his finger.

“Taking care of me, putting up with me, the list goes on,” I laughed and rubbed my arm awkwardly. “Can we go back downstairs? I’m not really in the… mood.”

Alex cottoned on straight away without as much as a look of disappointment – true gentleman. We rejoined the party downstairs. An enormous cake had been brought in, it was black and gold matching the décor of the house.

I decided to step outside after being in the crowded house. I didn’t think about being alone. I stepped out unsupervised out into the night, I sucked in the glorious night air as a relief to the heat my body was radiating. I walked around the patio and towards the giant swimming pool. The party was out here too, people were swimming in the enormous back yard pool fully clothed or in swimsuits. People were hanging around the equally large garden. Lights decorated the backyard, cans and bottles littered the grass, streamers and decorations were swimming as well as the guests. I watched as several people took a running jump hand in hand into the pool.

Then they came from no where. One snatched the back of my hair and slammed me face first into the wall of the house. I felt some of the skin on my lip tear and blood filled my mouth. My head throbbed about my left temple where it had been smacked against the hard wall. I spat blood out against the cream and turned around to face them with numb awareness of what had just happened. Someone slapped me hard across the face, fake nails digging deep into my skin. Now that hurt. Someone snatched the back of my head again; I could hear the clicking of heels as they dragged me forwards towards the crowded pool. I lost my balance and was thrown into the water.

I tumbled and landed ungracefully into the heavily chlorine concentrated water. The breath was knocked from me and water flooded my lungs. I resurfaced quickly, because the water was quite shallow, and spluttered water and blood...