Infinite

How old was I when I first started singing?

I can’t really remember. I’ve probably always been singing in one way or another, in my head and out loud. My mom used to tell me I had a beautiful voice. Later, it turned into: ”You have such a beautiful voice, do you have to use it for that horrible music?”

I kept on singing. It was the only thing I was really good at.

She has dyed her hair. It’s the first thing I notice. It’s darker and it’s curlier and she has aged, too; she looks like she might really be my mother now. She looks a bit like she used to do when she fell asleep on the couch, waiting for me to get home. I would find her there when I got home, creep past her up the stairs, and in the morning pretend I’d gotten in much earlier and that she’d just missed me. ”It’s true, mom, I got in just after eleven. You were already asleep.”

The gurney and the white sheet covering her body tells me she’s not likely to wake up and tell me off, but it almost looks like it.

I told them I wanted to see her. Gerard was holding my hand all the way from the airport to the hospital. I didn’t pull back even when he stroked my hair. And when I told him and Karl that I wanted to see her, they let me. I expected them to put up a fight, to tell me I was too upset or too fragile.

Gerard is right behind me now, standing next to Karl. My closest bandmate immediately called to arrange our travel plans to New Jersey, while Gerard gently talked me out of the initial shock of what the police had told me.

I still haven’t cried. The conversation Gerard and I had mere hours ago has turned into a distant memory. I remember being angry, and having the feeling of finally letting go of something. Other than that, I can only remember the look on his face when I told him about my mother.

Asphyxia. It almost sounds like a name.

Since I left my mother standing there on the sidewalk after she hit me, I haven’t heard from her at all. I thought about calling. To hear Jamie’s voice again would have been wonderful, just to know that they were alright. But I never called. So much was going on already, with Infinity making it big and meeting Gerard, and everything that happened afterwards. Some sister I turned out to be.

It happened two nights ago. The police had some trouble getting hold of me since I changed my phone number and nobody in Madison really knew where I was. Ethan Grayson told me they thought it was an electrical fault – it was an old house, after all. And it wasn’t very well looked after.

Rick is somewhere else. I don’t ask. I don’t want to see him. I don’t even want to think about him.

"It doesn’t feel real", I manage to say. "It doesn’t feel anything."

"You don’t have to feel anything", Karl says.

Gerard just holds my hand.

-

Gerard is still holding my hand as we make our way to the children’s ward, while Karl goes outside to call Noel, and Gerard keeps casting poorly disguised looks of worry my way. Any other time I would have been put off by this, but it’s actually a huge relief to have somebody looking out for you. I’m not sure that I have the energy to make any kinds of decisions myself right now. It’s hard enough to keep myself upright.

A sympathetically smiling nurse takes us to one of the brightly colored rooms after learning who I am.

"They’re doing okay", she says when I ask. "As well as can be expected. At least they got out of the house relatively unscathed, so we’re mostly keeping them here for observation. Social services is with them right now, but I’ll take you there."

The police told me about the neighbor who saw the fire, and who found the two children by the front porch. Jamie had been holding Elliott’s hand. By then, black smoke had been billowing from the open front door.

As well as can be expected. I don’t know what that means.

Jamie is sitting up in bed with the sheets in a heap by her feet. She is dressed in the hospital’s clothes, and her blonde ponytails looks lifeless and dull. A man with glasses, probably someone from social services, is talking to her. Elliott is on the floor, playing with some hospital toys. All of them look up as we enter.

"Aubrey?"

Jamie looks hesitant, like my name is foreign to her. Elliott just looks at me. I realize that he doesn’t even recognize me, and my grip on Gerard’s hand tightens.

"Hi, guys."

I try to smile, but it probably comes out as a grimace.

"You must be Jamie and Elliott’s sister," the man says, giving us a more successful smile. He gets up to shake my hand. It’s a firm, warm handshake. "I’m Landon Currer, with social services. And you are?"
Gerard lets go of my hand to shake Mr Currer’s.

"Gerard. I’m just here for…"

"He’s family", I cut off, knowing that they probably wouldn’t let him be here otherwise.

"I see." Currer looks hesitant. "I’ll leave you for a minute, then. But perhaps I could have a word with you outside first, Aubrey?"

I nod, and when Gerard gives me a questioning look I tug him along with me. The door closes softly behind us and we’re out in the hallway again.

"I’m sorry for your loss", Currer begins. "It’s good that you’re here, but you should know that we’ve already called your aunt."

"… Aunt?"

Without explaining, Currer continues: "Your parents had arranged for her to be the children’s legal guardian, should anything happen to them."

I close my eyes for a moment, trying to figure out what the man is saying.

"I don’t have an aunt", I say. "My mom was an only child."

My mom was the only family I ever had, before Elliott and Jamie came along. Both my grandparents died in a car crash when my mom was fourteen.

Landon Currer frowns and pulls out a notebook from his pocket.

"So you’re not related to Linda Mason?"

Oh.

"Linda’s not my aunt", I say. "I mean, she's the kids’ aunt, but Rick isn’t… wasn’t my dad. Linda’s his sister."

Of course mom wouldn’t have left her kids in my care. I haven’t realized until this moment, though, that there could be any other outcome. The fact that Rick had a sister had totally slipped my mind until now, and there is disappointment mixed with dreadful relief pooling in my stomach.

Currer lights up. "Oh, I see. She should be here any time now, so that the two of you can work out the details."

I have so many questions, but I don’t seem to be able to get any of them out. Where does this Linda person even live? Does she even know Elliott and Jamie?

Do I even know them?

-

When I walk back into the room with Elliott and Jamie, I don’t know what to say. I left these kids in the hands of my awful mother, and I was the only person in the world who Jamie really trusted. I knew that, and I still left. For a whole year. And for what? Were my dreams worth more than these kids’ wellbeing? It’s not that mom and Rick were awful parents, but I wouldn’t go as far as to call them 'loving'.

I sit down at the end of Jamie’s bed. Gerard is waiting outside, and said that I probably should talk to the kids alone. I agreed, but even though I know it’s the right thing, my palms are sweaty now.

Elliott, who has grown more than I care to admit, seems to have realized that I can be trusted and comes over to place the stuffed animal, an elephant, in my lap.

"Thank you", I say, although it sounds more like a whisper. "What a nice elephant, Elliott."
He grins at me and goes back to the other toys.

The look Jamie on Jamie’s face makes me want to cry. She won’t even look me in the eye.

"You didn’t come back", she says, looking down at the threadbare sleeve of her shirt. "I waited for forever. Mom said that you’d left us to be with Gerard."

My heart sinks. Some of my last memories of Jamie are of her on Gerard’s shoulders that night in New York. She trusted him, and then mom told her that it was him that took me away from her.

Well, it’s not entirely untrue, but I’d like to think that I had some say in it.

"I’m sorry, Jamie", I say at last. "I didn’t leave just to be with Gerard, but… You know, mom didn’t want me to be who I was, so I had to leave. You know that, right?"

Even to me, my words sound hollow. Jamie shrugs.

I can feel my throat constricting, and there’s this weight on my chest that makes it harder to breathe. Finally, Jamie looks up at me.

"They told me mom died", she says. "I woke up and couldn’t see anything, so I woke Elliott up and we went out, like they said we should do in school. But I couldn’t get up the stairs because I couldn’t see. And mom and dad weren’t outside like they should have."

There’s no use stopping the tears now, but Jamie isn’t crying; she’s just stating the facts.

"It wasn’t your fault", I say, trying but failing in my attempt to make my voice sound steady. "It was an accident. And you did a really good job getting Elliott out."

Jamie shrugs again, and I realize that if the bubbly five-year-old that I knew is still in there somewhere, she isn’t going to emerge anytime soon.

-

Linda Mason turns out to be a nice-looking woman in chucks and a flowery dress, and I instantly trust her more than I ever trusted Rick. She shakes my hand when we meet in the hallway and tells me how sorry she is, and I’m polite and tell her that I’m doing alright, I’m just concerned about the kids. Linda has her wife with her, and she smiles at me and Gerard while we make introductions, but then lets Linda do the talking. Both are in their mid-thirties.

"We just flew in from Oregon", Linda says. "As soon as we heard. It’s an awful business, all of it. I didn’t even know that Rick had made me the legal guardian of his kids, I haven’t even talked to him in years, really."

She almost looks apologetic. She speaks in a hurry, like she’s afraid of being interrupted. I wonder to myself if it has something to do with growing up with Rick.

I want to ask her what happened, but I’m thankful that I don’t need to.

"You see, Rick was my older brother, and he didn’t approve when I met Thea and moved across the country. I guess you could say that he was old-fashioned. Or just a homophobe." She makes a face, but then seems to realize that she’s talking about somebody who just died, and looks apologetic again. "Anyway, it’s nice to meet you, Aubrey, even if it’s under these circumstances."

It’s my first real smile in what feels like forever. If this woman has had the same experience with Rick as I have, maybe leaving Elliott and Jamie with her won’t be such a hard thing to do.