You're My Addiction

He watched her closely as she bustled around the kitchen making breakfast for them before they were going to leave. They told her she didn’t have to do it since it was so early, but, of course, she didn’t listen. Over the past couple of weeks he was starting to remember all of the little things about her that still made her the same Ellie as four years ago. He forgot how she always bit her bottom lip when she was concentrating, and how she sometimes curled her hair around her finger when she was daydreaming. He had forgotten her smell, the bright smile she always put on her face, even when she wasn’t happy. He forgot how she always put others before herself, and he wondered when was the last time she actually did something to make herself happy.

Brian watched as she chattered happily with Zacky across the kitchen as she leaned on the counter. She was laughing at something he was saying, but he could also tell there were undertones of sadness in her laugh. He knew she would miss Zacky and Matt, and he hoped that maybe she would miss him too. She acted normal towards him, but he could tell there was always this guard up underneath everything. It wasn’t the same as it was before she left, and now she was always cautious not to show too much emotion around him. He could tell, even though she thought he couldn’t.

She had changed in a way he thought he only noticed. Ellie used to have the greatest sparkle of life in her eyes, but that was long gone. Every now and then when he crossed paths with her after she had a long day at work, she wore the most worn expression, an expression that was filled with pain. Brian always knew it had to do with him, and what had happened between them so long ago.

He felt guilty that he had not thought of her more in the past four years, especially right before he found Ellie thrown right back into his life again. He had been busy while she was gone, as everything with the band had happened so suddenly. She slipped from his mind he was too busy to let her back in again as he made the most of his younger years.

When she came back though, everything about her knocked him right off of his feet and onto his ass. His guilt over her came back full force, and he felt terrible every time he saw her smile. Ellie was such a good person, and she didn’t deserve how he had treated her and all the other shit she had to deal with back then. Why did bad things always happen to good people?

Ellie glanced over at Brian for a brief second, and he could still see the slightest bit of pain behind her expression. He wished he could go back in time and reverse everything. He knew it would be like playing with fire to enter into that type of relationship with Ellie back then. He regretted it, but he didn’t regret being with her.

“Come on, it’s time to go,” Matt said as he picked his plate up and put it into the sink for Ellie. He walked into the living room where all of their bags were waiting, and Brian watched her follow her brother.

She reached for one of Matt’s bags and struggled to pick it up as it was about half the size of her. “Ellie, what are you doing? Put my stuff down!”

“You carried all my stuff when I came from the airport, so now I’m going to return the favor,” Ellie replied. He noticed her voice was a little shaky, and Brian knew what was going to happen. He heard her use that voice before when she was talking to him. “You said I had a lot of clothes, but I think this is heavier than all of my suitcases together.”

“Ellie, let go,” Matt said as he tried to tug the bag out of her hands. Ellie was a lot smaller than Matt, but it seemed she was a lot stronger than she looked. Brian heard her let out a little sniffle, shadowing what was about to happen.

She let go of the bag and instead wrapped her arms around her brother, sobbing. “I don’t want to be here all by myself.” Matt rubbed his hand soothingly on her back.

“We’ll be back in a couple weeks,” Matt whispered to her. “I promise it will go by fast. Listen, the longer the goodbye, the worse you’re going to feel. It’s like you’re taking off a band-aid. I’ll call you as soon as we make our first stop, and it will be like we never even left.”

“Okay,” she replied. “Go out there and say goodbye to Val, she’s waiting for you. I knew she would say yes, you know.”

Matt laughed as he let his sister go. “I should have listened to you. You’re always right about everything.” He walked outside of the front door and waved at Ellie one last time before he disappeared from sight. Brian stood awkwardly in the corner of the room as Ellie looked back into the living room. Zacky went over and lifted her right off her feet as he twirled her around in a hug.

She laughed through her tears, and as he placed her back on the ground, she asked, “Why do always do this to me? Who is going to steal all of my food from me when you’re gone?” Ellie always had a bond with Zacky that Brian would never be able to understand. He wished they could have a similar friendship, but he knew he had ruined that chance long ago.

“I don’t know, Ellie, but you better not replace me while I’m gone,” Zacky said jokingly. “If I have any girl problems on the road, I’ll be sure to call you for advice though.” He let her go and started to walk away, but she pulled him back for one last hug.

As he left, only Ellie and Brian were left in the room. She looked down at her feet and couldn’t help but feel a little awkward. She thought it would be weird to give him a hug, but she didn’t want to be rude, either. He walked over so he was a little bit closer.

“Hey, don’t be sad,” Brian said. He reached his hand up and wiped away a few of her tears with one of his thumbs. He looked into her eyes and he saw that tiredness again that killed him. He couldn’t help but feel like his words were meant to be applied to everything. He had the feeling that Ellie actually wasn’t happy at all in life, and he wanted her to know that she deserved to be. She picked up his bag off the floor and handed it to him.

“I’ll be fine,” she replied, an answer Brian knew she repeated all too often. “Make sure you’re safe while you’re gone, and watch over my brother for me.” She looked away for him for a second and then sighed. “You should get going; you don’t want to be late.”

Before he got to the door, he looked back and gave her a faint smile. He could tell she was broken in some way, and he wanted to help fix her so she could be happy again, but he didn’t know what to do.

Ellie knew as soon as she saw her house that something was wrong. There were cars parked everywhere and she could see a large amount of people through the lit up windows. She mumbled under her breath as a feeling of dread grew in her stomach. She was just coming back from a movie she had gone to see with a friend, and she wasn’t expecting to come back to a raging party.

Her friend pulled up to the driveway and shut off the car. “Ellie, what’s going on at your house? Do you need me to come in with you?” the friend asked.

“No, I’ll be fine,” Ellie replied as she got out of the car. “Our parents went away for the weekend, so I shouldn’t expect any less. Matt can never pass up the chance to throw a party of his own.”

The friend gave her a skeptical look as she started her car again. “Okay, but text me later so I know everything is okay.” Ellie sighed as she watched her friend’s car disappear down the street. She was tired from a long week, and the last thing she wanted to deal with was a house full of drunken people who were loud. She also knew she would be cleaning up the party the next day since Matt would most likely be too hung over to do anything.

Ellie went up to the porch and opened the front door. She was instantly hit with an overwhelming wave of music and yelling, and the smell of alcohol and drugs made her nauseous. Her level of aggravation went up a lot as she was shoved in a hundred different directions. Her first destination was to find her stupid brother.

It didn’t take long, as he was sitting on the couch in the living room surrounded by his usual group of stupid friends. He noticed her right away, too, and his eyes widened as he could tell she was not happy. Ellie stomped over to him and pulled him into a standing position by the collar of his t shirt.

“What is this, Matt?” she hissed through her teeth as he pulled her hand away. “Thank you for ruining my weekend again, as I’m going to spend it covering your ass so mom and dad don’t kick you out on the street when they get back.”

One of his friends that Ellie had never seen before stood up and got rather close to her. “Come on, baby, it’s a party, you’re supposed to have fun.” He put an arm around her shoulders and offered her a beer. Matt had taken the chance to escape from the wrath of his sister.

Ellie was instantly repulsed, and she struggled to get away from the guy’s grip, but he was too strong for her. She looked to Matt, but he was too busy to notice her situation. She instantly grew a hundred times angrier at him.

“Let go of me!” she yelled in his face as she tried to shake his arm off. She recognized the look in his eyes, and she became a little nervous.

“Get your fucking arm off of her, man.” Ellie looked behind her shoulder and she saw Brian pushing his way through the crowd, trying to get to her. She breathed a sigh of relief, and sent Brian a pleading look.

“Oh, come on, Brian. I was just trying to have some fun.” Brian gave the guy a look that instantly made him take his arm off of her shoulders.

“I highly suggest you make sure I don’t bump into you again tonight. I might not be feeling as generous as I am right now,” Brian growled as they watched him scurry off quickly into the crowd. He turned to her with a look of concern, and Ellie gave him a small smile, telling him she was okay.

“Thank you,” she yelled over all of the noise, and she smiled as he put an arm protectively around her shoulders.

“Come on, let’s get out of this crowd,” Brian said into her ear as he started to guide her towards the stairs, raising the hand he was holding his beer with so no one would spill it. They reached the door to her room, and Ellie turned the knob slowly, praying there was no one inside. She let out a sigh of relief as she turned on the lights, revealing an empty room. Brian shut the door behind them and locked it.

“At least no one was in here,” she said as she took off her coat and placed it on the bed. Brian stumbled over to the bed to sit down. Ellie shook her head as she realized he was a little bit drunk too. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” he said as he waved an arm somewhere in her general direction. “But, can you turn the light off, it’s making my eyes hurt.”

She walked over to the door and flipped the light switch that was next to it, flooding the room with darkness again. As she turned around to walk to the other side of the room, she walked right into a very solid Brian. She stumbled a little bit and he stumbled with her in his state, but he wrapped his arms around her to put them on a steady pair of feet again. He gathered her lips in a kiss that was gentle at first and then rough. She tried to deal with its sloppiness and the taste of alcohol and cigarettes. Ellie pulled her face away from his and looked at him.

“I’ve missed you,” he said to her. “I haven’t seen you all week because you’ve been so busy.”

“And I think that you’re too drunk to do this right now,” she replied as she tried to push him away. She didn’t mind that he was drunk, but she wasn’t going to let her guard down. She knew how he could get when he was drunk sometimes.

“Come on, Ellie,” he said with a little pout. His hand moved up to brush a stray strand of hair out of her face, and he knew that with just a little bit more pleading she would break. “I just want to lie down for a little bit, that’s all. I plan on staying in here and keeping you company so you don’t have to worry about the party.”

“I’m happy that you helped me out of that situation before and that you’re still worried about me, but I swear I’m fine. Why don’t you go back downstairs and have fun,” she said to him with a smile.

“Cause I’d rather spend time with you,” Brian replied quickly as his lips crashed down on hers again. This time she brought her arms up to circle his neck as she kissed him back. It made her feel happy that he would rather spend time with her than get wasted at a party. She didn’t care anymore that his mouth tasted terrible or that he was half drunk; she just cared that he actually wanted to be with her tonight.

He slowly walked her backwards towards the bed until her the backs of her knees hit the edge of it. She tugged at the hem of his shirt, and she pulled it off over his head as their lips broke contact for a fraction of a second.

Ellie no longer knew what she was doing. She allowed herself to be fully pulled under his spell, although a part of her still tried to give a warning. They both fell backwards onto the bed, Brian on top of her. This was like nothing she had ever experienced before. Their previous hookups were much different, as he was much gentler and cautious with her. Now, in his state, he was rough and sloppy, but she didn’t mind.

She tugged gently on his hair as his lips moved to her neck. Her breath grew more ragged as her body felt like it was on fire. His hands, calloused from playing the guitar, went under her shirt and slid up her sides, making her even more intoxicated by him. His fingers were cold at first, but they quickly warmed up as they explored her skin. Ellie laid there in a daze a she allowed him to do all of the work. She never knew that something could make you feel so good, but also make you want to go out of your mind at the same time. She felt like she couldn’t get enough of him.

His hands pushed her shirt up and over her head. He looked into her eyes before kissing her again, and Ellie thought once again about how deeply she loved this man, yet she was almost positive he didn’t feel the same way. She felt Brian’s fingers brush down her bare stomach, and it sent shivers shooting up and down her spine. She couldn’t stop thinking about how he really knew what he was doing with his hands.

He reached the top of her jeans, and as she felt him tug on them, her mind snapped back to reality as it realized what was about to happen in about two minutes if she didn’t do anything to stop it. For some reason, the moment didn’t feel right, and she didn’t feel she was ready to do this with him yet. She pulled her mouth away from his.

“Brian, can we please stop? I don’t feel right,” she whispered as she placed her hands on his, which were still by her jeans. He placed both of his hands on either side of his head and looked in her eyes. Brian wore a look that was a mixture of confusion and lust.

“What? What’s wrong?”

She sighed. “I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t think I’m ready to do this yet,” Ellie said. She knew it was her fault they had ended up like this. She was the one who took off his shirt in the first place. “I’m really sorry.”

He rolled off of her and onto his back. “Fuck, Ellie, you can’t keep doing this to me,” he said in frustration. He brought his hands up to his face and sighed into them. She couldn’t help but notice it sounded like he was in pain. “You lead me on like this every time, just to make me stop at the same spot. I want you so bad, and it kills me every time we have to stop.”

She couldn’t bear to look at him, so she just stayed on her back. “I’m sorry, I know its taking me awhile, I just don’t want to do it unless I’m ready.”

He got up off of the bed and stumbled around in the dark, trying to find where she had thrown his shirt. Ellie pushed herself up on her elbows to see what was going on. “Wait, where are you going?” she asked as she grabbed her shirt that was just above her head and put it back on to cover herself up.

He paused as he grabbed his stuff and got ready to leave her room. “Obviously there’s nothing else for me to do here tonight, so I might as well just leave,” he said nastily as he slammed the door on his way out.

Ellie felt like she had been slapped in the face, and it took almost no time at all for the tears to find her eyes. She tried to convince herself it was just because he had been a little bit drunk, and that wasn’t the way he normally would act, but she wouldn’t believe herself. She sat in the middle of her bed as she began to sob, feeling hurt beyond belief.

She cried herself to sleep that night, all alone with the party still going on as loud as ever on the floor beneath her. She tried not to assume that Brian had found another girl somewhere down there that would pick up right where she had left off.

That was the first night Brian had made Ellie cry, but she didn’t know that there would be many more nights and days where she would find herself doing the exact same thing over the exact same boy.