Broken Hearted

I was so excited to leave the country and visit Oliver for a month.

Take a break from boarding, skating, the media, my friends, and Shaun.

It was nice to take a nice long break form it all and being able to easily avoid Shaun without having to sneak around.

Even though I was, and still am, upset that Shaun said he no longer wanted to be friends, and didn’t even fight to keep me in his life, it was slightly relieving in a sad way. I was losing a best friend, but I was also leaving behind all the drama, hurt feelings, jealousy, hatred, just everything you deal with in high school that was completely unnecessary.

But I was losing a lot more than I was gaining, and that’s why it hurt still, and probably will for quite a long time. I was losing my best friend, no matter what Shaun put me through he was always there for me, he was just as reliable, if not slightly more reliable then any of my other friends. When I had a problem I ran to him, I told him absolutely everything, and he told me everything in return. That’s what I was going to miss most, how close we were, that safety blanket feeling where no matter what’d happen, someone would be there for me to help pick me up off the ground; I lost that feeling of security.

Shaun made me happy, and I was going to miss that a lot. He always made me smile, whether it was a bad joke, him falling down, something he said or did, or his smile and laugh. He always made me smile no matter what, I could have the worst day ever and all eh had to do was hug me or tell me everything was going to be all right, because I trusted him. He was always right, everything always ended up all right, so I believed him when he told me so.

Oliver always tried really hard to make me as happy as Shaun did, it showed, but it never made me nearly as happy. I didn’t let it show, but inside I was just, apathetic with him. I always felt upset with myself around him because he tried so hard. We were hardly around each other as it was, and he tried so hard but nothing worked, he just wasn’t Shaun.

If I was with Oli before I had met Shaun, I would be extremely happy with him, but once you’ve found that one person you love and can see yourself spending the rest of your life with them, everyone else is just another person; they’re bland. No matter what they do, they’ll never make you as happy or feel as important, because you don’t love them; you love someone else.

“Yeh okay, love?” Oli asked, bringing my attention back to whatever movie we had been watching in my hotel room.

It was just Oli and I and he was trying to do something nice and spend time with me on my last night here before I have to head back to L.A., but of course, I was thinking about Shaun. Even when I’m with my boyfriend all I can think about is Shaun, I felt horrible about it, Oliver deserved better, and he deserved someone who liked him back as much as he liked me.

“Um, ya, fine. Just a bit tired and not really looking forward to going back to L.A.” I replied, half lying.

I wasn’t excited to return to L.A. at all, I’d run into Shaun, I knew I would, then I’d have to do a million interviews, and then I’d have to compete.

“Alrigh’ do yeh want teh go teh sleep then? Yeh’re flight leave in the mornin’ does it not?” He asked.

“Unfortunately, I have to leave at fucking 8.30.” I mumbled, upset on the lack of sleep I’d be having.

“I’m goin’ teh miss yeh when yeh leave.” Oliver smiled as he grabbed my hand in his own.

“I’m going to miss you too.” I smiled, laughing lightly.

“Are yeh makin’ fun of meh?” He joked.

“Meh? Neveh!” I joked, mocking his accent.

“That’s it, yeh asked fer it.” He laughed before he started to tickle me, knowing very well I was overly ticklish.

I had the tendency to never tell anyone I’m ticklish, but when they figure it out, they never let it go.

I found myself wriggling underneath him to try and get him to stop, yelling at him in between breaths before he finally stopped.

I quickly caught my breath before I moved my bangs out of my face to find him looking straight back at me with a light smile on his face.

I found myself staring back at him, and as cheesy as it sounds, I got lost in his eyes. Even if they were just a normal brown color, they weren’t at the same time. There was just something about his eyes that made them so unique. Or maybe I just found them so different from Shaun’s…

The space in between Oliver and I came to a close when his lips crashed against mine and I kissed back lustfully, feeling absolutely nothing but my stomach sinking.

It was like this each and every time we kissed, my stomach sank in disappointment. I was expecting to feel something like I did with Shaun. I had gotten so used to feeling something totally unexplainable whenever I kissed someone before I was with Oli, that I was expecting to feel it each and every time I kissed someone, and became disappointed every time I didn’t, because it wasn’t Shaun, and I knew I’d only feel those feelings with Shaun.

Oliver pulled away slowly before smiling back at me.

“Alison.”

“Oliver.” I replied jokingly, he only smiled lightly.

“I love yeh.” He whispered, causing my smile to drop and my heart to stop beating.

I didn’t know what to say. Oliver loves me, he said he loves me but I don’t love him back, and I never will.

Oliver was looking at me, waiting to hear those three words come out of my mouth, but I couldn’t say it. I can’t tell somebody I love them when I don’t mean it, and I knew Oliver was getting antsy and nervous.

“Y-you what?” I asked, making sure I heard him right.

“I said I love yeh, Alison. I love yeh a lot, I love everythin’ abou’ yeh. Yeh make meh ‘appy.” He smiled, breaking my heart and making me feel worse than I already was.

I looked at him blankly biting my lip and not really knowing what to say, so I looked away from him.

“Alison, I jus’ said I love yeh, do yeh not ‘ave anythin’ teh say?” Oliver asked, getting off of me and sitting up straight.

“Um, ditto?” I replied nervously as I sat up straight.

“I told yeh I love yeh, and all yeh can say is ‘ditto’?” Oliver asked, clearly unimpressed and hurt to the point where eh was angry.

I stayed silent and stared down at my hands as I played with my fingers.

“Yeh don’ love meh back do yeh?” Oliver asked, his voice dropping disappointingly.

I looked up at him and swallowed deeply, “No, I’m sorry.” I said quietly.

Oli nodded his head before looking down at the ground and running his hands through his hair… just like Shaun did.

“I’m really sorry Oliver.” I replied.

“Do yeh no’ feel anythin’, or is there someone else?”

“Um, both. There’s not someone else, like I’m cheating, but I love someone else.” I replied, knowing I was absolutely killing him.

“Well then… I guess we’re done then.” He replied sadly.

“What, why?” I asked, slightly shocked.

“Because, it’s no’ ‘cause yeh don’ love meh, it’s ‘cause, we’ve been togetheh fer years, and I don’ want teh beh in a relationship tha’s not goin’ anywhere.” He explained.

I nodded my head, I completely understood. I knew it was going nowhere, if anything this relationship was just a way for me to try and get over Shaun and not feel as horrible to see him with Ashley, as I would be if I were single. If I were in Oliver’s position I would do the exact same thing. Why waste my time with someone who isn’t in love with me when I could be dating other people to find that person?

“Ok.” I replied softly, totally understanding what he was saying.

“Yeh’re not upset?” He asked, slightly shocked.

“Well, ya. I mean, I would dump someone if the relationship weren’t going anywhere, especially if I loved them and they didn’t love me back. Why waste my time dating someone who doesn’t love me back when I could be out finding someone who does. I understand, and you’ll find that person, but it’s not me, and I’m really sorry dude.”

Oliver just smiled at me, “Thank yeh Alison. Yeh weren’t a waste of meh time either.” He smiled.

I smiled back at him softly, “No problem.”

“So, why aren’t yeh with the other guy?” He asked, instantly turning our now non-existent girlfriend/boyfriend status to a more gossipy-esque friendship.

I shrugged lightly, “It’s not like I’m chicken or he doesn’t love me back, he does, we’ve talked about it and confessed it, he’s just dating someone that makes him happy.”

Oliver nodded his head as if he understood, “That’s lame, if he loves yeh back, why isn’t he with yeh?”

“Because he happy with some other girl, and doesn’t have the balls to dump her.” I laughed.

“He’ll come around I’m sure. When yeh love somebody and they love yeh back, yeh’ll end up together eventually. Whether it’s in a month or in a few years, or even tomorreh, yeh’ll end up together, yeh jus’ ‘ave teh beh patient.”

I smiled at him, I never really thought of that. In movies or whatever, they end up together immediately, I’d just have to wait for Shaun, ‘cause it’s my turn to wait, he waited months for me, and maybe if I hadn’t tried to move on and just waited for him he’d still be around and we’d possibly be together.

“Thank you Oliver.” I smiled.

“No problem, love. But I’ve got teh go, wouldn’t wan’ teh keep yeh up so yeh miss yeh flight. So, I’ll see yeh around.” He smiled, kissing my cheek before waving goodbye as he exited the hotel room.

I never would’ve though being dumped would make me so happy in the end. I didn’t think I’d ever get with Shaun, but what Oliver said just made me believe him and I knew he was right and that it would happen. All I had to do was apologize and hope Shaun wouldn’t hate me and I’d just have to stick it out for how ever long it’ll take for me to finally have my turn to be happy, ‘cause I’d have my turn eventually I’d just have to wait.

I mean; I criticized Shaun, saying he didn’t even try when he did. He waited; he waited a long time before getting together with Ashley. I’m sure he only went out with Ashley for the same reasons I went out with Oliver, to take his mind off of me until I was ready.