Broken Hearted

‘I’m sorry.’

Delete.

‘Please stop ignoring me!’

Delete.

‘I made a mistake, I’m sorry :(‘

Delete.

‘Answer your phone, I miss you, I’m sorry and I made a mistake. Please stop ignoring me :(‘

Delete.

I deleted each and every last text message Shaun had sent me for the past two weeks or so.

Every text was him pleading me to stop ignoring him and that he was sorry. He didn’t want to be friends; this is what he wanted, so why wouldn’t he leave me alone?

He even tried calling both of my phones, but failed when I ignored him or quickly declined the call.

I knew I was hurting him by ignoring him, but he didn’t want me as a friend, and him telling me that was a lot more painful than me just simply ignoring him. It was hard even for me to ignore him. I loved the boy, I wanted nothing more than to quickly reply and say I accept his apology, but it’d be pointless. We’d probably end up in the same position in the end, the only possible way he could get me back was to discard of Ashley, as cruel as that may be, nothing would be normal in between Shaun and I until she was gone. I knew that, Scotty knew that, Mason knew that, even Shaun knew that, he was just too scared to grow a pair and break things off with her.

I grabbed my board and locked my door to make my way over to the skatepark down the street.

I was upset; I was infuriated, annoyed, depressed, sad, and lonely. I was a mixture of a million feelings at once, so I wanted to skate. Generally I’d just go into my backyard and skate until I felt better, forgot about why I was upset, or until I wore myself out that I didn’t feel those same feelings because I was too tired to feel anything else. This time was different though, I needed to go back to my first skatepark, before I knew Shaun, before any of this happened. I’ve made so many memories with Shaun in my own backyard; I couldn’t skate there to forget about him, it’d only remind me of him.

I smiled to myself, almost instantly feeling completely better when the skatepark came into view, and it made me smile even more to see nobody there.

I skated into the park and stopped right in the middle, resting one foot on my board as I looked around the park, remembering falling right where I was standing when I was learning how to ollie for the first time. I remember practicing here, drawing a crowd, and I looked over at the halfpipe, smiling at myself when I had broken my arm as I attempted my first aerial trick.

I had nailed the trick, but not the landing, but I didn’t scream or cry or blackout when I broke my arm, I seethed in pain then smile immensely when my arm went numb, because I knew I nailed the trick and was so proud of myself for doing so. I remember coming back too a week later to do that trick again in a cast, that time landing it.

I fished my iPod out of my pocket and draped my headphone under my shirt and over the collar before putting my headphones on and letting the sounds of The Clash fill my ears before I took a deep breath and started to skate.

I skated for hours, ignoring my surroundings, just pulling trick after trick and doing them flawlessly. I had fallen into a smooth pattern, almost like when you’re about to fall asleep and your breath evens out rhythmically.

I barely noticed the crowd forming around the park; they were just this black blur in my peripheral vision, so of course I didn’t notice when my friends decided to join in for the show.

When I had finally worn myself out and had forgotten about Shaun was when I slowed down to a stop before pausing my music and taking off my headphones.

It was almost surreal to look up and find a huge mob of people that had formed around the whole park just to watch me skate with my friends.

I smiled to myself widely before stepping down on the tail of the board to grab it and make my way out of the park.

I heard a few people yell out a congrats on the Olympics and that my skating was amazing, some even clapped, it was insane, it must’ve been how Shaun felt for the past four years.

I set my board in the middle of the street before I started skating slowly down the street to my house, I felt like I was on a high, nothing could bring me down, I was truly happy for no particular reason, even if it was a temporary happiness, I loved it.

But of course, when you’re on a high, you also have to crash at one point, and that’s exactly what happened the moment I stopped in front of my house to find Shaun sitting on my door step staring at the ground; he clearly hadn’t seen me skate up my driveway.

I stood in front of him, a good five feat away, before coughing to grab his attention.

He looked up at me through his hair, his eyes were the darkest shade of hazel I had ever seen before, they were almost a dull brown, and it was like all life had escaped from him. His usual eyes that would constantly shift from green to hazel was dull, void, lifeless, it was almost as if someone had died.

He stood up slowly and smiled weakly at me as he shoved his hands in his front pockets.

I opened my mouth to ask him what he was doing but he instantly cut me off, “Before you tell me to leave and that we’re not friends or whatever, I want to say I’m really sorry and that you’re right. You’re my best friend Alison, even if you don’t consider me as a friend anymore, you are my best friend, and I made a huge mistake, and I’m sorry. If I could take it all back I would, I really would, I would take back everything I said and more than anything I’d take back the day I told you I moved on and went out with Ashley.”

“I’m so sure, now move.” I replied bluntly, refusing to believe a word he’s said.

“It’s true! God, what do I have to do to get you to not hate me?”

“It was not my decision to not be friends, it was yours. You’re the one that threw everything we had out the window.”

“Ya, and I regret it and want all of that back, I’ve changed my mind.”

“We are never going to be the same Shaun! Not until you fucking man up and get rid of Ashley. As bitchy as it may seem, and I know it seems like I’m forcing you to dump your girlfriend for me, but I’m sick of it. I’m sick of you sending me these texts and kissing me just to see you all over her and dragging her into your room. I’m sick of it, I can’t do it anymore. You said you didn’t want to be friends, so we’re not. It’s time to move on Shaun, we will never be anything.” I replied, unaware of how harsh my words really were.

“How can you say that?” He asked quietly and appalled.

“Very easily. Shaun, you claim you love me but won’t even say it to my face, you say you want to be with me and make me happy and then you tell me you no longer want to be friends because you want to be with Ashley. You’re sending me on an emotional rollercoaster and I can’t deal with it and I don’t want to be apart of it anymore. If you wanted to be together, you would’ve stepped up and done something about it, but you haven’t.”

“You want to be together but haven’t done anything about Oliver.” He replied bitterly.

“Ya, because I’m happy with him, and if I dumped him in hopes you’d dump Ashley, I’d have to be totally insane, because Ashley isn’t going to let you go, I’d be putting myself up for torture to watch you with someone else, I love you Shaun, but sometimes that’s not enough. Not everything ends happily ever after, especially if I’m the only one trying. Love is a fucking fairytale and you need to fucking see that, because it’s as clear as day to me, so just leave. You don’t want to try and you don’t want to do anything about it, you just want to push me away or want me to dump Oliver so I can either be the rebound girl or the other girl, and I’m not any of those things. Not for you, not for anybody. So have a nice life and please leave me out of it.”

Shaun just stared at me and bit his lip lightly before he swallowed heavily causing his Adam’s apple to bob up and down.

“Alright, I’m gone. We’re done, you’ll never see me again, but everything I’ve ever told you that set off those butterflies in your stomach, I meant each and every single word, and still do.” He stated before kissing my cheek lightly and walking away.

I guess I was wrong about him. I always thought he was a fighter, he always had to win and would stop at nothing to get what he wanted and deserved, but I was wrong. He gave up on me, on us, he didn’t even try, didn’t even try to fight for us. He wasn’t the guy I thought I had fallen in love with.