Broken Hearted

I stared back at my almost bare wall. I hadn’t noticed how many of the pictures up there were of Shaun and I, my wall looked so different without all the extra pictures.

I looked back down at the picture of Shaun and me and took a deep breath as I tried to sort out everything that was going through my head.

I just couldn’t get over the fact that he loved someone else; I basically refused to believe it. You can’t love two different people at the same time, and you can’t love one more than the other, when you love someone, you love them; there’s not a certain amount of love you can feel towards one person.

I took one of the thumbtacks that stuck out from my wall that had held up one of the picture frames and stuck the photo up onto a vacant area where a picture once stood.

There was a loud knock on my door and I sighed heavily, rolling my eyes at who could possibly be at my house now. My best bet was probably Scotty, maybe even Jake, Chris or Zane. Mason had probably told them all what had happened.

I shuffled my way to the front door growing slightly irritated when the person wouldn’t stop knocking on the door.

“Stop fucking knocking!” I shouted before I opened the door to be shocked to find a man with orange hair that I knew far too well. “What do you want Shaun?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Ashley dumped me.” He spat out quickly.

“So, what are you doing here? That’s right, I’m the fucking rebound.” I replied flatly.

“No, I’m here because you were right, Mason was right, everyone was right and I’m sorry.” He replied.

“Alright, apology accepted, you can go home now.” I replied; I really was in no mod to talk to him or to see him.

Just because he was single didn’t mean I was going to crawl back to him. For the past three years all he did was hurt me, and the moment he’s single he finally wants to talk to me and get together.

“That’s it? You don’t even care?” He asked, slightly taken back.

“You didn’t care about a single feeling of mine towards you for the past three years, Shaun. Why should I care now that you and Ashley aren’t together?” I spat.

“Because you love me, and I love you.” He stated simply.

“That wasn’t good enough for you three years ago, so why should it be good enough now?” I retorted.

“Because I was stupid before and I regret ever turning you down back in Vermont when you told me you wanted to get together. That’s my biggest regret, and I want to make things right.”

“No, you’re only here because Ashley dumped you, you didn’t dump her. You’re only here because you know I love you and thought I’d just come crawling back, but I won’t. You made me feel like shit for the past three years Shaun! No matter what I did you threw everything back in my face and didn’t give two shits about me because you were ‘falling in love with Ashley’.” I stated angrily.

“That’s not true.” He said quietly.

“Then why now? Why are you here now? Why didn’t you dump her a year ago if you regret it so fucking much?”

“Because you know me, I can’t dump someone, I’d feel horrible if I did that.”

“Bullshit. You’re a fucking hypocrite. You have no problem sparing everyone’s feelings but my own. Why? Because I don’t fucking matter because I’ll always be here for you and waiting for you, so it doesn’t matter, because no matter what you do, I’ll always be here.” I replied, swallowing the knot in my throat that was now beginning to appear.

“That’s not true, you make it sound like I take you for granted and for advantage.” He replied with a hurt expression.

“Because you do, Shaun. You really fucking do. You know I love you a lot, but you always over look it. I don’t even think you mean it half the time you say you love me back. You know I love you and would do anything for you, but you don’t give a shit. As long as I’m here in the end when everyone’s forgotten your face and your name, you don’t fucking care. You know you could hurt me a million times and that I’d still be here for you because I love you so much. You know I can’t leave you, so you treat me like shit and have your fun, I’m just your fucking safety net, I’ll be here to catch you fall and I’ll be here to help you back up and you take that for advantage. You just don’t care. You make me feel completely worthless and you don’t care, you only care now because you have no girlfriend and can’t stand being alone.”

He stared at me blankly, not knowing what to say. His eyes scanned my face, searching for any clue at all as to what to say.

“That’s not true.” He mumbled.

“Ok, when don’t you take me for granted?” I asked, “It’s a simple question Shaun.”

He remained silent, staring down at the floorboards as if it would spell out the answer for him.

“Alright, when don’t you take me for advantage?” I simply asked once again; and once again he remained silent.

The lump in my throat grew bigger and I was finding it harder to breathe and to keep myself from crying.

“I don’t make you feel worthless though.” He whispered.

“Yes you do! I feel like shit around you. You know I love you but you proceed to go out and date a random girl and then find the balls to fucking tell me you love her and that’s why you can’t be with me. Ya, I certainly didn’t feel completely worthless at all when you told me that.” I spat angrily, still managing to hold back the tears. “At least fucking look at me Shaun! God dammit, the floorboards don’t fucking hold the answers to these easy fucking questions!” I snapped and he quickly looked up at me. “I think you should go, I can’t fucking deal with you right now.” I replied quietly.

Shaun just looked back at me blankly, for what seemed like ages, before he grabbed my arm and pulled me in for a kiss.

I found myself wrapping my arms around his neck as he deepened the kiss. I missed the fireworks that I got when we kissed and how it would set off the butterflies in my stomach; it felt right.

When I realized what was going on I roughly pushed him away and just stared at him, “What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I can’t do this. I mean, I don’t even know if you really love me back.” I replied.

“Of course I do.” He replied almost instantly, yet shocked that I would even ask that question.

“Then say it, say it and mean it. Don’t just say it because you have to, say it because you want to and because you truly mean it.” I demanded.

It seemed like a simple request to me, it really did. It wasn’t too hard to tell someone you love them and to mean it, especially if you really do love them.

“What do you mean, say it and mean it? I always mean it when I say it.”

“Then you won’t have a problem saying it again.” I replied simply.

“Fine, I love you.” He replied, his tone monotonous almost.

It was flat; there was no feeling behind it, no emotion. When he used to say it I could tell he meant it, the truth just seemed to seep from his mouth when he said those words back to me, and now they just sounded like another lifeless statement.

I stared back at him and bit my lip and swallowed heavily before turning my gaze down at my feet.

“What?” He asked.

“Nothing, it just didn’t sound like you meant it.” I replied truthfully.

“I do though, I love you so much Alison. I want to be with you more than anything in the world.” He replied.

“Then beg, convince me.” I replied looking up at him.

“What?”

“You heard me, show me you mean it, tell me how much you really want to be with me, you’ve been telling me for years the same lies Shaun, make me believe you this time; make it true.” I replied, another simple request.

If he did love me and wanted nothing more than to be with me, it wouldn’t be all that hard for him to ramble on about how much he truly cared about me, it should be something simple enough for him to do if he meant it.

“What more can I say? I love you; I want to be with you, more than you know. I’d give anything to be with you.” He replied simply.

I just stared at him blankly, out of anything he could’ve possibly come up with, he came up empty handed and repeated himself instead.

“Is that really it? I could spend hours telling you how much I love you and how badly I want to be with you, and you can’t even think of anything more than that?” I asked sadly. "If I asked you this question years ago, months ago even, you'd be pouring your heart out to me right now, you'd be going on and on and on about how much you really wanted to be with me, then again, if you were still the same Shaun, we'd probably be together right now too."

“I don’t know what else to tell you!” He whined.

“Well, when you do, come back and let me know.” I replied before closing the door in his face.

I took a deep breath before sliding down the door and finally letting the tears fall and letting the knot in my throat untangle, allowing me to breathe properly.

After everything we’ve been through he can’t even tell me he loves me and tell me how much I mean to him; he can’t even man up to the fact that he does make me feel worthless and that he takes me for granted and for advantage.

At this rate, I didn’t even know if Shaun was really worth crying over anymore, even more so, I didn’t know if he was worth waiting for either.