Our Heat Is Gone

“You’re sure he’s coming?” I asked Chris as we were lounging in the back of You Me At Six’s tour bus. It had been two weeks since Josh realized I was on this tour and it had been a successful two weeks might I mention because I hadn’t seen him even when I’m in their bus right now. I managed to slip in on moments when he wasn’t around just to hang out with Dan, Max, and Chris.

“Yes Lexi, I’m sure. I just got his text message.” He groaned.

“I’m sorry! I’m just nervous and scared.” I admitted pulling my knees closer to my body.

“Why are you so nervous and scared? It’s just him.” He said as if it was no big deal.

I let my head hang off to the right and just stared at him. “Chris you can’t be serious.”

“Actually, I am. I don’t know why you feel that way around him.”

“Chris, it’s Matt we’re talking about!”

“I know that. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Uh, yeah I do! The guy hates my fucking guts probably more than Josh does!”

“That’s not true.”

“I wish you and Dan would stop saying that.”

“You want us to lie to you then?”

“No.” I mumbled.

“Then accept it and believe it. They don't hate you.” That was the last bit of our conversation because we heard the bus door slam. We were the only ones in the bus so someone had to have been coming in.

“Chris, are you in here?” We heard Matt yell from the front end.

I sat up immediately and prepared myself for what was to come. I was going to try to make amends with Matt. I couldn’t take him hating me and I needed my friend back. I missed him and all the stupid shit we used to do back at home and he’d always be the one I’d go to if I had a personal problem besides Josh.

“Yeah, I’m in the lounge.” Chris yelled back. He turned to face me and asked: “Are you ready?” I only nodded and watched the door to the lounge open revealing Matt.

“What’d you need, man?” He asked, but his eyes quickly averted to me. He scowled and threw his head back. “Oh, no. Why is she here?”

I had to admit that gesture kind of hurt, but I was expecting it. I bit my lip not knowing what to do next and looked over at Chris for some help. He realized and took over temporarily.

“Lexi,” He stressed out my name since Matt had been referring to me as ‘she’ or ‘her’ this entire time, “is here because she wants to talk to you.” He finished.

“Well, I have nothing I want to say to her or nor do I want to hear anything she has to say.” Matt said back.

Chris rolled his eyes and said: “Oh quit stop being an asshole and talk to her. If you don’t like her tell her. The least you can do is sort out all tension between you two because this isn’t going to be the last time you’ll see her. She’s on this tour and you or Josh isn’t going to stop Max, Dan, or I from hanging out with her. So just sit down and speak to her.” After Chris said all that he patted my leg and smiled lightly at me then got up to leave. He shut the door on his way out and as silence dawned upon Matt and me as we closely heard the bus door shut. Chris had left and it was just Matt and I left on the bus.

He just stood there though staring at my figure on the couch. I was getting uncomfortable as I shifted on my spot and just fidgeted with my hands.

“Would you stop that?” He asked irritated. I remembered how that habit of mine bothered him.

“Sorry.” I mumbled and set my hands to my sides.

“Well, what do we need to talk about?” He sighed and said while leaning against the wall.

“Us. I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

He rolled his eyes shaking his head and looked like he didn’t believe what I said.

“What?” I asked.

“You can’t expect me to just forgive you and we become friends just like that again, do you?”

“No, but I thought-“ I started, but was soon cut off short.

“I hate you so much right now, Lexi. There I said it!” He admitted and it stung me.

“Why do you hate me so much? I’m trying to make things between us right again.” I tried to say, but I was about to crumble. This was a bad idea. I was never good with conflict.

“Really? You want to know why I hate you?” He asked wildly. I only nodded, but I knew I shouldn’t have. “You’re a liar. There’s nothing more that I hate in this world than are liars. You could have at least told us straight up instead of giving our hopes up. Even worse you caused one of my best friends the most worst pain ever and left the rest of us to clean up after it. You didn’t even have the decency to tell him in person. You let him down the most terrible and pathetic way a person could. What I realized is that I never knew you after all. After all those years we were friends it was like none of that ever existed after you left. I didn’t understand why Max was still holding up. I didn’t understand why the minute they saw your face turn up here on this tour, Chris and Max and Dan, were so happy to have you back. You don’t know what it was like to go through what Josh did and what we all did to fix him.” He paused for moment and I thought he was actually done speaking. So, I took that small silence as my cue to interject some of my thoughts.

“That’s not true. I do know what it was like with what Josh went through-“ I was actually angry at that statement. He made it seem as if I never had a heart and that the break-up didn’t affect me at all.

“Sure doesn’t seem like it. You jumped on the first dick that you could get on while you were here and we were all a mess back home.” He paused for a second time and he just kept setting me off. I tried to speak up again, but I was only interrupted once more.

“Hold up! Don’t-“

“No! I’m not done yet.” He ran his hands through his hair and started off again: “The band almost broke up because of you! There were days when we all just wanted to kill each other.” He admitted the last bit of his rant. That one actually made me feel very guilty. The band meant everything to each of the guys. They worked so hard to get where they are and to think the situation I was in almost caused them to drop everything.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry I lied to you and to everyone about coming back. I’m sorry I never tried to contact you. You’re-you were one of my best friends and I never took that for granted, but I lost everything once I lost my grandma. I regret that so much. I can’t stand you hating me. I don’t know how Dan, Max, and Chris were able to have the heart to forgive me. I even hate me. I get it okay? I’m literally the scum of the earth for leaving Josh the way I did. I never planned on it, but I was so confused and lost back then.” I said and stopped to take a breather and compose myself. I could feel the lump in my throat rising and nose sting indicating that I was on the brink of tears.

Matt opened up his mouth, but this time it was my turn to cut him off.

“No, it’s my turn. My intention was to never hurt you guys so much that it almost caused the downfall of the band. You know how much I know that You Me At Six means a lot to you all. Also, don’t you even dare think for another second that I didn’t feel any of the pain Josh went through. Whatever he went through I most likely did. I wanted to die. The last memory I had of him was that phone call he made. I traveled across America to find a purpose in my life. I spent all my money, I skipped on meals and showers, and I even slept in my own car when it was freezing! I don’t regret my encounter with Cameron at all though. I’m entitled to love again, Matt. Josh had you all to help him deal and I had myself. Cameron was the one who helped me and stopped my nightmares. All those nightmares came true though and yet he’s still there. He’s not just some guy whose dick I just hopped up on. You of all people know I’m not like that. This conversation proved something to me though, if you did believe that then maybe everything we shared in the past never existed. I never knew you as well.” I finished and at this point a few tears had escaped my eyes. I hated crying while arguing it just showed how weak I was, but I was just angry.

While I sat there and Matt stood across from me, it was quiet for a few minutes, until we heard the tour bus door shut and then there was no hint of any other movement. Someone probably came in to just get something and quickly left.

“Oh yeah, you want to know something else?” He asked after a few moments of silence.

“What?”

“The morning of your flight when you asked who I was texting so much. I was texting Josh. I was convincing him to show up at the airport to say goodbye or try so hard to convince you to stay. He kept saying he really didn’t want to and that you weren’t coming back. I told him she loved you so much she would. If only I had really known your true colors.” He replied and then quickly walked out the room and off the bus before I could say something back.

I sat there by myself thinking and crying silently. I don’t know where this conversation leaves us now and I wasn’t sure if it helped solved anything between Matt and me. Everything Matt said got me worked up and feeling guilty. He blamed me for the band almost breaking up and leaving them to clean up Josh’s mess. The fact I was never his friend and that I would just latch onto any guy I could get to. I just still couldn’t help, but mope about how I lost him as a friend entirely. He was the reason why Josh came down to the airport that day. I had been waiting all morning that day for any sign of Josh and then to only find out that he was never going to show up if it wasn’t for Matt. I would have to try even harder to regain Matt’s trust or just leave it alone and accept it and believe it.