Your Love is my Drug

I finished washing my face and dried it, before walking into my bedroom and flicking on the TV. My Blackhawks t-shirt was hanging loosely over my boxer shorts. I could feel the stress leaving my body as I thought about getting a good night’s sleep.

I crawled into the bed I shared with Brent and snuggled up with the comfy black blankets, placing my head on top of the soft pillows. Friends was on TV and I was more than happy with it. It was only the greatest show of all time.

It took about ten minutes before I was drifting off, my eyes fighting for sleep, when the door opened and shut. Thinking it was Brent, I just smiled and waited for him to dress down and join me, but I didn’t hear any close being removed, or shuffling, just somebody tip-toeing around the bed.

My hands clenched, this was one of my worst fears. I was squeezing my eyes tightly together, as if it’d prove it was a figure of my imagination and there was nobody creeping into my room and watching me sleep... but then I could hear them breathing.

“Leah?”

I jumped, my arms flying upward as the covers flew off of me. I stared wide-eyed at Jonathan Toew’s, who had jumped backward at my flailing. As soon as I realized he was a friend, not an intruder, my hands went over my heart and I let out a very relieved sigh.

“Fuck Tazer!” I cried, glaring at him, “Give me a heart attack, why don’t you?”

He just rolled his eyes and muttered an apology, before leaning over to flick on the lamp, illuminating the room.

“What’s going on?” he asked seriously.

I frowned, “What’s going on? You just snuck into my bedroom, don’t you think I should be the one-.”

“-Cut the shit, Leah,” he said bluntly, gazing down at me, watching me shrink back into my mattress, “I’m talking about tonight... with Brent. When you dropped me off, you said you were going out with him- he called me five minutes later.”

I wanted to disappear all together. The way he was looking at me, belittling me, looking down on me, it made me want to just run away. This is the moment I’d been dreading, the moment somebody would catch on and I’d be stuck in this situation- this was the beginning of the end.

I looked down, wiggling my feet under the covers. Jonathan didn’t move, he stood still as a statue, waiting for my answer. A cool chill ran down my spine and that familiar nauseas feeling hit the pit of my stomach.

“Leah!” He whispered urgently, “Just tell me!”

I shook my head, fighting his gaze again, “No.”

“What the hell is going on, you never lie to me,” his voice was so disappointed, worried, I couldn’t handle it, “Look Leah, should I be worried? If you’re in trouble, I can help you.”

“No,” I shook my head rapidly, still staring at my toes, “I’m not in trouble.”

He gave me a desperate, pained look; I could see it through my peripherals, “Than what is it?”

I could barely find my voice and the tears were poking at the back of my eyes, but I was finally brave enough to look up at him, “You’ll hate me Jon...”

He sighed and sat down on the bed, beside me, reaching over to place a hand on my knee. He gave me a solid, trustworthy look and shook his head, “No, I won’t.”

I don’t know why I did it, or why I did it this way, but I did. I realized I should’ve broken it down, softened it up a little bit, but at that moment, it was like ripping off a band-aid. It needed to be done quickly.

“I’ve been sleeping with Patrick,” I blurted out.

He stared at me... for what seemed like minutes. I noticed his jaw clench and his eyes widen to the size of saucers, but other than that, he was stone. I, on the other hand, had just confessed a secret that I’d been keeping for months, and I reached the breaking point.

I looked at him, tears sliding down my cheeks, “Jonny,” I said shakily.

He blinked and his jaw dropped slightly, “You’re... what?”

I nodded, “I’ve been cheating for the last three months.”

He shook his head and his hand left my knee. He stood, shocked and angry, and turned to leave the room. I had just told him the only secret that was holding me up, and he was going to walk away?

I stumbled out of the bed and rushed to him, pulling his arm away from the handle, “I told you!” I screamed, “I’m not proud of it! I’m embarrassed, I feel sick all of the time, and I can’t even-.”

He cut me off, tearing my arm out of his grip, “-Why is the only thing you’re worried about you?!”

I backed off.

“You’re fucking your boyfriend’s teammate, and the only person you’re worried about is you!” he was maintaining a low voice, but that didn’t mean it didn’t sting, “I’m not going to tell him, but if you want anybody to give a fuck about you in the end, you will.”

With that, he left my bedroom and shut the door quietly. I listened and heard the front door shut after that, along with the murmurs of the other guys’ voices. I broke into tears, crawling into the bed and falling asleep, not ready to face another day.