3652 Days of Julia

Day 3332.
Oli’s Perspective
Twenty Five Years Old.

Her screams filled the room and ripped my ear drums apart. The sweat was pouring off her forehead as she arched her back in brittle pain. Tears cascaded down her cheeks from her eyes that were squeezed shut in concentration. It was safe to say it was killing me to see her like this. Julia’s nails dug into the soft skin of my hand, so hard that blood began to spout to the surface. She opened her eyes as another pulse of pain rippled through her body.

We had precisely two minutes until it happened again.

“Oli I can’t do this!” She cried, her breath strained. “It hurts, it hurts so much.”

“I know. But you can, we’re almost there.”

I kissed her forehead and sat on the chair beside her bed. Her eyes were filled with worry as she stared at me, biting her lip.

“Okay Julia we’re almost ready.” The nurse said to her, smiling up at us both reassuringly. “You’re doing very well, alright? Just listen to me and I’ll guide you through this.”

“Oli…” Julia whimpered as I grasped her hand tighter.

“It’s okay.” I told her, even though I didn’t know if it would be.

I knew this was a bad idea from the start. Julia wouldn’t listen to the warnings and the concerns from everyone around her, myself included. All she wanted was this moment, even if it was severely risking her life.

“Do you think I’m stupid for wanting this?” She asked me.

“No.”

Another wave of pain engulfed her and I sat there watching her face change in so many ways, holding her hand and smoothing her hair back from her face.

“It’s time.” The nurse said.

***

I watched her limp body sleep, my own self still in absolute awe of her. She was so beautiful, even now after everything that had happened and how much she had given to me, how much she wanted all of this.

“Oli, have you seen her yet?” Julia asked. I watched as her eyes fluttered open, listening to the softness of her voice. I peeked over her and into the crib on the other side of the bed.

“Yeah, I’ve seen her.” I said.

“What’s wrong?” Julia asked. “I’m sorry it happened like this… but if I get sick again and…”

“Julia, don’t.” I sighed.

“Are you angry at me?” She asked.

“No… I don’t know.” I sighed again and put my face in my hands. “You know how dangerous this was for you? I want to be with you forever, I didn’t need a child to remember you.”

“Well, Oliver, we don’t know how long we have anymore. I want to experience everything in case something bad happens, okay? You can’t hate me for wanting a part of you with me forever.” Her voice trailed off and tears rolled down her cheeks. “I just don’t want you to forget me.”

“Hey, stop talking like this.” I told her. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m not angry at you, I’m just worried. I want to be with you Julia. Forever. And so far there is no reason to believe why that can’t happen. You’re okay. You’ll be okay.”

As if on cue, the baby started crying. Julia remained lying there, never looking as though she was going to help her.

“Oli, don’t let her cry any longer, pick her up.”

I stood up and walked over to the crib, looking down at the little girl that lay there. When she saw me, her crying lowered a level and as I picked her up, it subsided almost entirely. I turned around to see Julia staring at us, the biggest smile I had ever seen plastered on her face.

“Now I know what I did was all worth it.”

I smiled at her and sat on the edge of her bed, falling onto the pillow beside Julia as she pulled me back. Sitting up next to me, Julia wrapped her arms around me and together we watched as our daughter lay in my arms.

“She’s so beautiful Oli, I love her so much already.”

I kissed her forehead and lay there next to her, my smile hiding the truth of how I was really feeling.

The truth about how I loved my daughter already, but her birth only surfaced my inner worries about Julia.

Because the truth was… if I didn’t have her, I didn’t really have anyone.

Even my own family were not enough.