Forced Affection

I yawn for what feels like the hundredth time. I’d spent the past couple of hours avoiding everyone, looked in Arianna’s studio looking over all the wedding details. I wanted to change most of them, not drastically just slightly. I had the laptop next to me sending emails, checking, replying and just browsing, the phone on the other side as I make calls to everyone clearing up misconceptions and changes I want made.
By the time Arianna had calmed me down and brought me back into the scrutiny of everyone else, there wasn’t much to face. Skye and her mother had left, and Craig nodded at Arianna, smiled comfortingly at me and walked away off to do his own thing. I was unusual, no repercussions from Craig? Surely they were coming. There was no way I could walk into his house covered in his son’s blood and him not interrogate me. But for now I was relieved.
Maybe they were just getting to know me and had predicted the break down.
Either way I was glad I was here. I was almost content, so long as I didn’t think of Leo and what he’d said or done. Which was hard considering I was trying to plan ‘our’ wedding.
Arianna walks into her studio with a cup in either hand, as she graciously makes her way over to me.
‘I bought you some tea, thought it would help you with this massive task’ she says as she hands one of the cups to me.
‘Great, can it ring others and send emails? That would really help’ I say as I pick up the tea and take a sip.
‘Well it can’t, but…’ Arianna says mysteriously as I glance up at her.
‘I can’ Rae says jumping through the door smiling. There was no need to think. I was up out of my chair and hugging her before anyone could say or do anything.
‘I told you I had gotten Rae, here she is as promised’ Arianna says as she places a hand on my shoulder. Rae smiles and hugs me again.
‘Thank you so much Arianna and thank you Rae for coming’ I said to them both. Arianna simply nods and smiles, not needing anymore than a thank you.
‘Well, this is a big task ahead of you, so I’ll let you two get to it. If you need me, just call I’ll be in the garden’ Arianna says leaving as quickly as she entered.
‘I can’t believe you came. After everything I did’ I say looking as Rae as we make our way over to the pile of mess I had scattered over the floor.
‘As if I wouldn’t come. You needed me, and besides it gave me a chance to see Drew again’ Rae says smiling. I laughed at her and shock my head in disbelief.
‘Really? Drew? I should have known! It wasn’t even for me! But I like Drew he’s a good guy’ I say jokingly hoping we would get past the issues we were once facing.
‘Yeah he is, he’s sweet as well. But he’s not the main reason I came. I mean seriously I knew you were bound to get cold feet sooner or later, but trying to kill Parker, that um took it a umm bit far’ she says laughing at me. Had it been anyone else I would have gotten defensive, but this was Rae. I couldn’t do that.
‘You’re telling me! He just makes me so angry and I just wanted to hurt him and prove I wasn’t weak’ I say as I shrug and bite my lip. Rae smiles and pats my leg.
‘Well I got there after you had tried to prove all that and believe me he knows. He um well, he was different’ she says almost suspiciously. I eye her hoping she would tell me more, but knew she wouldn’t without me asking.
‘Fine. How was he?’ I ask her giving into defeat. Rae laughs and leans back.
‘When I first got there and saw everything smashed up and the blood I was like holy fuck he has killed you, I started freaking out and then he was all like she’s not dead, it’s my blood everywhere and all macho. And well then I was impressed, I mean you took on Leo Parker and by the looks of it won! I was so impressed with you and proud. But Leo, Leo was um I don’t know. I began to see the old him, that didn’t care and wasn’t interested – the arrogant him and then he kind of just broke down and blurted out all this stuff and all I can tell you is that you’re lucky to have him. He loves you’ she says smiling. I know I should be happy but I just want to get mad. Lucky? Lucky, was not the first word I would ever use to describe this situation.
‘Lucky? Are you serious? Do you know what he’s done? And loves me? What? Do you know you’re the second person to advocate his change and love for me and sure at one point I would have believed it but now, after seeing him this morning? No, there was no way he has changed that much’ I say shaking my head in disbelief. How could everyone be fooled by Leo, why could they not see through this image he was faking?
‘Hallie, if you don’t like it don’t ask. Got a problem? Address him, not me. But I’m telling you he has changed. And I understand that you’re pissed at him and well I have only heard his side of the story, but I think you need to give him a chance here, even if it is to just prove himself’ Rae says holding her ground, but not making the matter worse.
‘Why do you think I’m going through with the wedding? It’s not because it is what we both want, I think it’s partly out of duty and the other is to see how Leo handles it. I’m trying to give him this chance, but I not sure I want to’ I say indifferently.
‘Well if I could persuade you and if my opinion matters – just give him this chance’ Rae says smiling at me. Again I shake my head in disbelief.
‘I never thought it would be you and Arianna advocating for Leo so much’ I say pretty much in shock when I think about it. Nor Rae or Arianna seemed like big Leo fans.
‘Yes well, I’m not sure we’re advocating for Leo as much as we are your happiness’ Rae replies. I smile and nod, how could I have such an amazing best friend? We fall into a comfortable silence as Rae begins shifting through the papers, plans and ideas, after all we did have a wedding to finalise.

Some three hours later, Rae and I were interrupted again from our wedding planning.
‘Hallie, Leo is here if you want to talk to him’ Arianna says as she quietly opens the door and closes it behind her.
‘Um, yeah I guess. Where is he?’ I say like it’s no big deal but I knew she could hear my heartbeat and the increase, not doubt she could also hear my breathing getting deeper and unsettled.
‘He was just finishing up with Craig, they’re out back on the deck’ she says smiling ‘I’ll help Rae’ she finished. Rae smiles at me comfortingly and I smile back.
‘Ok, thanks’ I say as I gingerly make my way down stairs out the back to the entertaining area. I finally get out there and see Leo frowning at his father, they both turn and look at me as I make my way to the door.
‘Leo this isn’t up for discussion anymore’ Craig says finishing whatever Leo and he was talking about, he swiftly turns and opens the door for me ‘I’ll leave you two be’ he says to me as Craig walks inside and doesn’t wait for a response. I was unsure of how he was treating me, but at least he wasn’t yelling at me so that’s a good start.
I turn to look at Leo and he is staring at me, he smiles and takes a step forward. I immediately take a step back, the anger was still there and I still wanted to hurt him. Leo sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, a sign of irritation – something I’d gotten use of long ago. I stand there and stare at him in complete silence, I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn’t fathom the right words. I frown and think about leaving. Maybe there was nothing that had to be said. I knew we were both still pissed off.
‘Hallie’ Leo begins, he looks at me, but doesn’t indicate he was going to say anymore.
‘Parker, I’m staying here from now until well indefinitely. I’ll see you at the wedding, I’ll be the one coming down the altar’ I say as I turn around and go to leave.
‘Hallie don’t do this’ Leo says as he moves closer to me and gently touches the side of my arm. I pull my arm away from him.
‘What marry you?’ I ask coldly. Yeah, there was no way I could just forgive him after everything he’d done. Leo looks taken back, and literally takes a step back from me.
‘If you don’t want to…’ Leo begins again as he trails off into nothing. I stare at him. Then frown at him, I focus on the anger rather than possibly letting it go. I still wanted to hurt him, surely that wasn't right. I wanted him to want me; in fact I needed him to be the strong here.
‘So what I get a choice now?’ I coldly laugh. It sounded crueller than I intended, but well, I can’t take it back now. Leo closes his eyes and frowns, then rubs his jaw and pinches the bridge of his nose again. He was really irritated. That slightly made me happier.
‘Hallie, if it will make you happy to give all this up, and let you go, fine. I’ll do it, whatever to make you happy’ he says almost sweetly.
‘And what happens to your happiness?’ I ask, not that I really cared, but it felt right to ask.
‘I’m happiest with you, I’ve told you that’ Leo said like it was the most obvious thin in the world. I’m sure if this was a movie this would be the part where everyone would sigh and we’d kiss and everything would have a ‘happily ever after’ ending. Instead I saw my moment to finally hurt him the same ways he hurt me.
‘But what if out of all this, you’re not what makes me happy?’ I question as I stare at him. For a brief moment I see all the emotions plainly written on his face, shock, hurt, pain, anger, love, forgiveness, acceptance and even hatred. But it doesn’t last long enough; he holds his composure and frowns.
‘I’ll leave then’ he says as he walks towards the door, sure this is the moment that I’m supposed to call him back and say it’s a lie – but I can’t. I just want to lie to him and hurt him. My eyes follow him, they always had. He briefly stops and then turns around.
‘When you’re done hurting me, let me know’ Leo says like it’s no big deal and keeps walking inside. I think about calling out to him, or even crying. Instead I sit down on the ground and hold myself, pathetically really. ‘I love you Leo’ I whisper. I’m not sure if it is enough for him to hear, or if he would even want to hear. But I just sit there, looking at the sky and thinking. This wasn’t something I could just leave until the last minute. I needed to make a choice and soon.

I sit there on that patio, arms wrapped around my news staring into the sky until the sun sets and the moon begins to rise. I know it’s getting colder but I don’t feel it. I know I should move but I don’t. I continue sitting, just staring and thinking. It’s my choice, do I marry him? Do I leave him? Do I love him? I think over and over again replaying our argument, our conversation before, confessions of love and even other people’s opinions – but none of it has an answer.
I hear people behind me at the door, but I don’t turn around to look at them or even move to acknowledge them.
‘Should we go out there?’ Arianna asks quietly.
‘Someone should, she’ll be getting cold. We need to get her back in here. What happened? Did you hear them?’ Rae asks Arianna, I assume that it is just those two at the door.
‘Not well enough, I tried to give them their privacy. Ok maybe you should go out there’ Arianna suggests. I don’t hear the response. Movement catches my eye from the side of the yard, there is a dark shadow coming around from the side of the house. Before I can move, even get up to defend myself, the shape is here. Craig is carrying a blanket, and not mug of something. He walks over to me and I hear Rae gasp.
‘Here Hallie, take the blanket, it’s freezing out here. And here’s a hot chocolate’ Craig says handling me the blanket and mug. I place the mug down and wrap the blanket around me.
‘Thank you’ I whisper as I take a sip. Craig sits down on the ground next to me. I’d never seen him look like this before. He was so calm, and slow – like he didn’t have a million thoughts or the weight of the world on his shoulder.
‘So I know everyone has given you their thoughts on you and Leo. I’m not here to do that. I’m here to make sure you’re okay, and remind you of yourself’ Craig says as he stares at the stars in the sky that are beginning to appear.
‘Really? You’re not going to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do?’ I ask politely. How this seems impossible.
‘No I’m not, when I first agreed to my son to marry you, I thought it was a fool proof plan. I didn’t even think about you much, Leo is a charmer, he’d make it work and besides he would whatever was necessary to get the job done. I really didn’t give much thought to you at all’ Craig begins. I thought about throwing my hot drink on him and leaving everything here and never returning, but curiosity kept me sitting and quiet, waiting for him to continue.
‘Then I started hearing about you, from different people, shadowhunters we have agreements with, slayers that I know, and even vampires that had experience with you and then I really began to wonder, what had I gotten my son into? There was one word that was used to explain you so often and it was ‘strong’. People said you were heartless on hunts, honest to people, smart with strategies, manipulative when necessary, loving to your family, kind to others, conscientious of things going on and loyal to your beliefs but every one of those people said you were strong. I didn’t really know what they meant by strong. But I do now, you can handle so much, you have such a high tolerance of being taken out of your comfort zone and being pushed to the absolute max. I mean, we have had our hiccups – your problems with authority, inability to listen, stubbornness’ Craig was saying but I smiled at him and cut him off, if there was something I didn’t want to hear it was my list of issues – I knew there are heaps.
‘I get the point’ I say smiling at him. He chuckles quietly and looks at me again.
‘Yes, I’m sure you do. But my point is that through all this, you’ve moved to the other side of the country, left your friends and family, became engaged to one of the most difficult people on this planet, surviving your brother’s comma, the loss of your uncle, riding me of the circle, making our family fall in love with you and well managing to stay mostly sane through all of this. Hallie you are so strong, and I understand completely that right now, being given the option to walk away feels like the biggest decision in your life, but I’m telling you it isn’t. You’ve already made the biggest decision’ Craig says as he takes a deep breath and stops. I look at him slightly confused.
‘Already made my choice? When? What?’ I ask more confused than before. What was he talking about?
‘People told me how loyal you are. To everything you believe in, and I have seen it, with your stubbornness, your need to be right, to be independent, to hold your own – every day when you wake smile and give it your all. But why did you agree to this marriage?’ Craig asks me. I begin to catch onto what he is saying, but refused to admit it so openly.
‘I didn’t agree to this marriage’ I say quietly as I refuse to meet his eyes.
‘Ok, so what has kept you here? Why didn’t you leave first chance you got?’ Craig asks again, but still smiling.
‘Well, technically I did. I think Leo tried to keep that from you. But I did try to leave. Leo caught me and brought me back’ I say not even really thinking much of it.
‘So you’re telling me that Leo caught you. That if you had to get up and run right now you couldn’t run from Leo, from us? That you couldn’t have escaped? That you were incapable of leaving Xalan?’ Craig continues to question.
‘Well no. If I wanted to leave I could have, but I never really gave it my all. Had I Leo would never have found me, I doubt Nathan could have either. I let him catch me, so than this treaty wouldn’t fall through’ I say, shocked at the revelation I had just uncovered. Craig smiled at me nodding.
‘Exactly, you didn’t leave because you care about your people and this marriage is what the treaty is based on. You are here to protect all those you care for, to protect the innocent and this marriage is the starting point. If you leave, it falls apart. And we go back to war – I mean not immediately, but the tension will be there. And I’m not trying to threaten you, or scare you. I would never try; you’re too strong to fall for that. But you are loyal, and I know that you will do what’s right. Even if you haven’t worked out how you fell about Leonardo, I know you’ve worked out what needs to be done. Arianna spoke to you about what you needed, Rae spoke about your happiness, I’m just asking you to remember that this is bigger than Leo or you, this needs to be done. It’s the happiness of everyone. And maybe in there you can find your own happiness’ Craig says even so wisely. I felt like I was in an entirely different place now. I look at him and smile.
‘Perspective. That’s what you’re giving me? I mean Arianna gave me what I needed, Rae gave me what I wanted and you’re giving me perspective?’ I ask jokingly as I smile at Craig. He laughs, like I’ve never heard before.
‘Yeah, what can I say, I’m not great with gifts. That’s why Arianna does them’ he says laughing still. I smile at him and feel my eyes begin to water as a few tears manage to slip out. But I don’t cry.
‘Sorry’ I begin as I wipe them away ‘you may not give great gifts, but the advice is pretty spot on. You’re right, I was thinking about myself, and when it comes down to it, I matter, but this matters more. This marriage was the foundation of the ‘Peace Treaty’ and if I walk away now that all falls through. And I can’t do that. You’re right, I’ll go through with the marriage, no more cold feet, second guessing or doubts. This is necessary. Thank You Craig’ I say smiling as I nod in complete awe at the revelation he’d just given me.
‘No problem, but its cold out here. Let’s go inside’ Craig says as he stands up, I follow suit to turn around and still see Arianna and Rae standing at the door. I had forgotten that they were even there. I walk inside and smile at them both, Arianna is smiling, but has a tear streaked face. Rae is biting her lip.
‘C’mon lets go get some food’ she says pulling me away from Arianna and Craig. Arianna hugs her husband and asks ‘how did you know that would help her?’
‘It’s the truth, and she’s just like her grandfather – loyal to her beliefs, and duty. That’s all she needed’ Craig answers her. My back may have been to them, but if they could see my smile now, they’d realise how much they meant to me.
‘She is truly something special’ I hear Arianna whisper ‘that she is’ Craig agrees and I grab Rae’s hand and squeeze it tight.
‘What’s for dinner?’ I ask smiling and actually meaning it. Sure I hadn’t made any decisions about Leo or how I felt, but I knew the wedding was a go ahead and there was a reason for it. There was a purpose – and right now that was something I needed.