Dirty Little Secret

I braced myself for the worst and turned around.

As soon as I saw who it was, I let the breath I didn’t know I was holding out.

He flashed his pearly whites, and I was instantly at ease. I smiled back and stood up.

“It’s nice to see you again, Rian.”

He hugged me. “You look like you’re doing great.”

“I really am,” I glanced at Capri, “Anyway, this is my mom.”

He smiled and shook her hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Ms…”

“You can call me Scarlet,” she replied.

“Do you want to join us for lunch?” I offered, “It’s on us.”

“Thanks for the offer, but I have to get to the studio with the guys. We’re putting the finishing touches on our new album,” Rian explained, “You still have my number, right? Just call me anytime.”

I nodded. “Will do. Good luck today.”

We hugged a last time and then he left. I turned back to my seat and by then, our food had arrived. Like the eater I was, I dug into my plate of pasta. My mom’s cough brought my attention back to her.

“What’s wrong?”

“Aren’t you going to go down to the studio?” she asked pointedly.

I gave her a look that said ‘are you kidding me?’ “Why in the world would I want to do that?”

“I’ll take care of Capri, so why don’t you go with Rian?”

“Are you crazy?” It had been forever since I’d last seen Jack. I mean, we had unfinished business, but I wasn’t ready for him to show up out of nowhere. I never thought about the fact that he lived around here and that he would come back. It’s stupid of me, but I thought that it’d be the last time I would see him.

“Why not? It’ll be good for you!”

I sighed, putting down my fork. “Mom, do you know what you’re asking me to do right now? I’m not going to drive over there just to be ignored by my baby daddy.”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, don’t put it that way. But even if you don’t want to talk to Jack, what about the other guys? I bet they missed you. And Capri! They’d want to meet her too. You’re being unreasonable.”

I shook my head. “I’m not going.”

I watched as my mom finally gave up on convincing me. She could think it all she wants, but I’m not being unreasonable. It’s simply common sense. If someone leaves you, you don’t go back to them.

After that little spat, we got into the car and drove back to the apartment. The air was tense, but I knew we would be back to normal in no time. As I was getting Capri out of the car seat, my mom spoke up.

“It’s nice to see you again.”

“Who are you talking to, mom?” I turned around. “There’s no one-“

My eyes focused on the figure sitting on the steps. It was him. I looked away and held Capri in my arms.

“Mommy! Mommy!”

I kissed my daughter on the forehead and smiled. “Go to grandma.”

My mom grabbed her and started walking up the stairs. “I’ll leave you two alone,” she said to Jack on the way.

I stood there for a while, Jack three feet away from me. I had no idea what to say, let alone start off with. It had been 2 years. Two years since he left without a trace. No calls. No emails. Nothing. What could I say? It’s not like anything could change by having this conversation.

I turned around and started to walk back to my car.

“I’m sorry.” I stopped mid-step, curious to hear what he had to say.

“I’m so sorry, Holly.” I turned around. “I wanted to call you and pretend like everything was okay, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I’d remember that Capri is my…”

I finally looked straight at him. He had bags under his eyes and his beard had grown out. He had on a plain white tee and black skinny jeans. His usual attire, but something about it made me feel sorry for him. He looked sleep deprived and overworked. If this had been two years ago, I would’ve gone over and given him a hug. He looked like he needed it. But I shook away that thought.

“I know I have no right to barge into your life again after I left so abruptly, but I just wanted to see you again,” Jack said softly, “I feel like shit right now. And I probably look like it, too, but I don’t really care. These two years have been hell for me.”

“Well, it wasn’t so fun for me either,” I said.

“Just listen to me, damn it.” He looked into my eyes. “I thought I’d feel better once I left you. And my…daughter.”

I stepped closer. “You have no right to call her your daughter, Jack. Who’s the one changing her diapers? Who’s the one earning money to feed her? Who’s the one singing to her at night when she can’t sleep? Who stayed?”

His head drooped low and I could tell he felt even shittier. He deserved it.

“I get what you’re saying, but can I at least see her?”

I looked at him for a while and actually contemplated whether I should let him see Capri or not.

But my senses finally came back and I replied.

“She’s taking a nap right now. So, no. You can’t see her, Jack.”