I See You Lying Next To Me

I reached my bedroom and realised that in all the time I’d had this apartment no one else had ever been here, even Dan, this was my room but now here I was with Gerard. I went over to the window; it was beginning to get dark so I drew the curtains together then went to my bedside table to turn on the lamp. I switched the switch and the room lit up in a warm, cosy glow.

Suddenly I couldn’t look at him.

“Kitty,” he said simply. Turning I noticed he was still over by the door, still wearing his strong-smelling leather jacket and underneath a navy and white striped hoody, his hair, so blond and still unfamiliar to me was cut so short. It framed his dark eyebrows and his wonderful eyes.

He was coming towards me now and I wanted him to just hold me tight and remind me that he was still here. He reached out and took my hand, kissing my palm, just as I had kissed his earlier, his breath warm and his lips soft sending a surge through me beginning deep in the pit of my stomach. He kissed my wrist then, gently, ever so lightly and tenderly and I wanted more of his kissing lips, I wanted to feel them on my skin like I used to.

I’d missed them.

Letting go of my hand he cupped my face with both his hands, they felt hot and firm as he leant in and kissed me but I was kind of locked into a trance, my hands still by my side as I accepted his kiss.

I’d forgotten how good this felt.

Then that was it, coming back from my slight trance-like feeling I put my hands up into his short, blond hair and it felt so good, it felt just the same as it always had although much shorter.

I wanted his jacket off him so as we kissed I pushed his jacket over his shoulders and down his arms, letting it drop to the floor then I felt the need to put my hands up and under his sweatshirt, just to feel his skin, finally after the years of not being able to causing him to groan and me to fall against him, my hands reaching round to his back, gently stroking his velvety firmness.

I could feel his fingers probing in my hair, pulling at the band that was holding it up at the same time as kissing the top of my head, his breath hot. My hair fell about my shoulders and his fingers played in my hair, massaging my scalp as he always used to to.

I looked up at him, his eyes sparkling with desire and his pupils large.

“Is this OK with you Kitty?” He asked.

Typical Gerard just making sure.

I nodded, of course it bloody was, I wanted him, needed him still after all this time and I’d always known it.

We undressed each other, gently, quietly my breathing heavy, my chest heaving slightly as he turned me around and fingered at the clasp of my bra, bending and kissing my shoulder at the same time, then kissing a trail all the way up to my neck and behind my ear where it tickled and I giggled as the bra pinged open.

Turning to face him I put my hand onto his chest as I had done a million times before, so many times I could never even imagine to count them but many, many times, that I knew.

Bending to kiss me again he pushed slightly against me, nudging my body back onto the bed, his breathing heavy against my lips and I now felt an urgency overtake me as I wanted him there and then and I wish he’d hurry.

He sensed this, he was ready too so he leant me back against the pillows, gently nudging my legs aside with his knee and then he was there, he’d slipped inside me so smoothly it caused me to gasp so loudly I shocked myself. Arching upwards against his thrusts it didn’t take long as I was overcome with the shockwaves, my muscles contracting around him as he came too and said those words that I dared to remember “I love you Kitty.”

It hadn’t taken long, from start to finish just a couple of minutes but it was what we had both needed, that was obvious.

I realised then I hadn’t spoken to him at all since he’d entered the gallery. I hadn’t uttered a word to him and here he was, lying in my arms. I’d often wondered if I’d get to feel him against me ever again, let alone feel him inside me.

Slightly panting, he took me in his arms and threw the cover over us, his fingers stoking gently at my skin.

Finally I spoke.

“I love you Gerard Way,” I said to him then looking straight into his hazel eyes, “I think I always will.”

Then he kissed me, even more slowly this time and we began again and this time it took much longer than just a couple of minutes.

**

When I woke I sort of wondered if I’d dreamed it but seeing his arm slung over me, his creamy skin so soft against my own arm I realised it had been real and I was glad.

I thought about the day ahead. Dan was due home later and I had decided to tell him that it was over between us, I didn’t know how much I would tell him but it had to be said, I was back with Gerard and that was that.

Gerard was flying off later to LA. We’d only just got back together and he was leaving me. This was how it was going to be, I’d be with him when I could but my gallery was my business and I didn’t want to give it up, Gerard would understand I know he would.

“Hey,” I heard a voice behind me, his breath against my shoulder, tickling.

I turned, so glad that he was there beside me. He was my other half and I’d missed waking up with those eyes staring at me.

Gerard was back in my life.

“What do you want to do today?” He asked.

“Stay here with you all day?” I said getting in closer to him.

He laughed and checked his watch.

“That would be fine but I have five hours before I need to get back.”

“Remember that day we went out on the boat? I loved that day,” I said. “I often think of it. You said if you believed in marriage you’d propose to me right then and there,” I said turning and laughing into his shoulder.

”I remember,” he said. “You want to go out in a boat again, we’ve got time.”

”Yeah, why not,” I said getting stupidly excited. I still couldn’t believe he was here, in my bed finally.

“I need to take a shower first, coming?” he said quirking his eyebrow at me.

“Of course,” I said getting out of bed and following his naked form, trying to grab at his butt as we went.

**

It was slightly windy on the boat but it was great. There was hardly anyone there, only a few Japanese tourists, it was an hour’s trip, just long enough for us to huddle together on the deck looking at the views.

We’d not said much since we’d sat on the boat, just felt comfortable in each other’s silence.

“Kitty?” Gerard suddenly said.

“Yep?” I said turning to him and watching his white blonde hair slightly blow in the breeze.

“What did you miss most, you know about us being together?” he said.

“What did I miss most?” I said pondering. “I missed just calling you up I suppose, mainly to tell you things, to tell you things that had happened. Like when I found the perfect location for the Gallery you were the first person I thought of who’d be truly interested. I missed just asking your advice on something, anything, even down to dying my hair. I missed you and your stupid ways, pairing up your odd socks only for you to un-pair them again.” I said then laughed remembering that. Dan would never dream of wearing odd socks, not that I’d ever done his washing.

“The same here.” He said. “I missed running the new songs by you, calling you up at ungodly hours to tell you that I felt low. You weren’t there to pick me up.” He said.

“Do you still take the anti-depressants?” I said to him.

”No, I’ve stopped all that.”

“You see, you couldn’t have missed me that much,” I said getting up and grabbing my digital camera out of my bag. “Stand up over there, I want a picture of you with your new blond hair,” I said.

“Only if I can take one of you.” He replied standing up and going over to the rail and putting his hand out onto it.

”You know I won’t have my picture taken,” I said. “Smile.”

He did, I took his picture then he came over and kissed me, deeply causing my legs to turn to jelly once more.

“We can make it work can’t we?” I said into his chest as I hugged him close against me, his blue and white striped hoody smelling of new washing.

“Definitely,” He said. He sounded so sure but I was concerned. I thought then of Eliza but I couldn’t ask him, like I couldn’t tell him about Dan. I was looking forward, not back and this was going to be a new beginning for us.

“I can’t wait to get you home again,” I said to him looking up, grinning at him and watching his cheeky smile appear.

We were together again and I’d never felt happier.

**

He’d gone, gone to get his flight to LA. We’d swapped our new phone numbers and I’d never felt this happy in a long time, like a surge of new energy had gone through me. Dan was back later; I was going to tell him everything although I felt slightly awful that it had to be said. Then I’d call up Mel and tell her, tell her straight. She could go to hell and if it meant that I never saw her again I wouldn’t care. Gerard and I were back together again and that was all that mattered.

I printed out the photograph of Gerard on the boat, cut round it and found a frame for it. It was a frame that Dan’s mother had bought for my birthday. A beautiful frame but I’d never found the right photograph to put in. No I had it, the picture of Gerard.

Going up to the bedroom to put Gerard’s photograph on my bedside my phone rang. It was Mel and she sounded upset.

“What is it Mel?” I said to her.

“Oh my god, its Dan, I’ve had his mother on the phone. There’s been a terrible accident. Dan was in a car accident on the way back from the airport. He’s in intensive care Kitty. I think you should go and be with him. They’ve run some initial tests apparently, his legs got crushed, and he may be paralysed. Oh my god Kitty, I don’t know what to say, he’s your future husband. You’d better get over to the hospital, I think you should be there, he’s going to need you.”

I was stunned, this wasn’t meant to happen. I was with Gerard now.

Dan needs me because he may not walk again.

But I needed Gerard and he needed me.

I glanced over at the photograph and stared at it for ages, touching the picture, touching Gerard’s face and remembering how his skin felt between my fingers, and his hair, so soft.



I felt like throwing up, because everything was falling apart again.