The Cardinal's Cake

If you only knew
I’m hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I’d sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I’ve lived and learned

Blinking open my eyes I stare into the dark room. Looking around I take a few seconds to recognize the shadows that described my messy bedroom. Turning on my back I look to the left side of my bed, reaching out I rub my hand along my dog’s soft coat, taking comfort from her presence. Taking a deep breath I look back to my right and glance at my clock.

4:00 glowed in bright red letters. Looking closer I see that the little red period at the top right hand corner wasn’t on.

Once again I’m awake in the middle of the night.

Sighing I sit up and rub the sleep from my eyes. Flinging back the blanket I shuffle my way to my desk, opening a drawer and extracting a slim folder.

Going back to my bed I flick on the light and open the folder. I spread the pictures and papers across my sheets.

Its 4:03 and I can’t sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

Looking at the pictures of your aged face I feel a tear slide down my cheek. Oh grandma, I think, why’d you have to leave me so broken?

Why’d you leave me so lost?

Tossing the photo I wrap my arms around my knees, burrowing my face in my elbows.

Why is it so hard to let you go?

Sniffling I reach out and grab another picture, this one a sketch I had drawn for you.

How can I go on without you being next to me? How can I trust myself to make the right decision when you aren’t here to give me advice?

Placing the sketch down I then pick up another picture, this one taken at our house. You have one of our soft blankets tucked around your frail body as you relax against our couch.

Setting the picture down, I look over to my sleeping dog.

How do I know that the profession I’ve been dreaming about for years is the right one for me when you aren’t here to talk me out of my doubts?

Who am I supposed to go to for advice?

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go
Even when you’re gone
I don’t regret and days I
Spent, nights we shared
Or letters that I sent
If only I can call you, send you a letter, talk to you in my dreams.

If only I could contact you one last time, just to say the words I feel.

Why can’t I have one more chance?

Sighing I gather the pictures and papers and return them to the folder. After putting them away I turn off the lamp, lie back down on my bed, and proceed to try and sleep.

But it doesn’t work, because I know you won’t be here in the morning for me to talk to.

Sighing again I turn and run my hand over my dog, her warm body letting me know that she’s still here.

She’s still alive.

Its 4:03 and I can’t sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
You help me live and learn

As I take more comfort from my dog I remember the times I had with you, the moments that will be with me for the rest of my life.

You were the one to teach me how to play Monopoly, ultimately starting off my math education. You taught me how to be polite, how important education was. You taught me how to drive, how to manage my time.

You taught me about life, and then you taught me about death.

Its 4:03 and I can’t sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew

As my eyes droop and my mind shuts down I can feel your presence, and it calms my tears.

As my consciousness slips away one thought wanders by:

If you only knew how much I love you.