The Kids Don't Stand A Chance
Chapter XX
“I can’t accept the money,” I said immediately the next day as I adjusted my cell phone on my ear. I heard Zack sigh on the other line.
“Why not?” He questioned calmly.
“B—because,” I stuttered, shocked at how he wasn’t angry with me for refusing his gift. “Two thousand dollars is… well, it’s a shitload of money!”
Zack scoffed, “You don’t think I know that?” I began to rub my temple with my free hand. This wasn’t going to be easy.
“I’m sure you do, Zack, which is why I wanted to thank you – so thank you – and give you back the money.” I scooted back on my bed and leaned back against the wall.
“I’m not going to let you,” he replied simply.
“Why not?” I asked, beginning to become aggravated.
“Because you need the money a lot more than I do.”
“That’s not true!” I exclaimed. “Look, I know I had a bit of a… breakdown at the hotel, but really Zack, it’s okay. I’ll get the money somehow. I don’t need to be anyone’s charity case.” That really got him riled up.
“Charity case!?” He yelled, and I swallowed the dense lump forming in the back of my throat. I hadn’t heard him yell like that since I had told him about the game in high school. “Is that what you think you are to me!? Someone I feel bad for!?”
“No, no,” I squeaked quickly. “Not at all.” He didn’t say anything back, but knowing Zack, I was sure he didn’t buy it. “I didn’t mean it like that, okay? What I meant to say was… was that there are about a million different ways you could have spent that money.”
“I don’t need you to tell me what to do with my money,” he responded lowly.
But I disregarded his last comment, still stuck on my last thought. “I mean, think of all the things you could have done with it.” I suppose I was mainly talking to myself at this point. “Paid your rent, bought a new guitar, given Nicole a gift –“
“Whoa, don’t bring her into this, okay?” He snapped suddenly.
“No, we should bring her into this,” I retorted. “How does she feel about you giving me two thousand dollars? She’s your girlfriend,” I said, stressing the word ‘girlfriend’. I sighed softly. “I don’t want her to hate me, Zack. She probably thinks that you’re, like, paying me off for something.” I stopped before I could become frantic.
“Nicole would never think anything like that,” he responded flatly. “She’s too… nice.” I paused for a moment, taken aback by the way he said ‘nice’. It was as though he was disgusted by the very thought of his girlfriend being a kind person.
“Oh,” I replied with a whisper. The conversation was non-existent for a bit, before Zack suddenly spoke up again.
“You know what your problem is, Ava?” I bit my lip, not wanting to know where this was going. “You care too much about what people think of you.” Yeah, no shit.
“That’s not true,” I fought back pathetically.
“Alright, if it’s not true, than explain to me what you meant when you said you didn’t want Nicole to hate you.” I opened my mouth to respond, but Zack beat me to it. “You know what,” he was getting riled up, I could tell. “Forget Nicole. Why don’t you try and rationalize what you did in high school.”
“Zack,” I begged, burying my face in my pillow. My voice became muffled. “Please don’t make me relive this.”
“I’m not asking you to relive it,” he replied. “Just give me an honest explanation.”
“I was stupid, okay?” I said, turning over on my bed and staring up at the ceiling. I gripped the phone tighter. “I let my insecurities get the better of me.”
“And was it worth it?” Was he really doing this to me? I wanted to hang up on him, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it. Even though he was yelling at me, I loved hearing his voice too much.
“No,” I whispered. “I thought I could prove to myself that I was better at something than Kylie, but she’ll always be a better person than me. For fucks sake, Zack, she got a full scholarship to an Ivy League school! I got into college by the skin of my damn teeth.”
“I don’t care about you and Kylie, Ava,” Zack scolded, and I frowned. “I care about you and I.”
“I – I…” I stopped talking, for the first time during the conversation truly not knowing what to say.
He repeated his question, this time with more venom to his voice. “Was. It. Worth. It?”
“No,” I cried. “Fuck, it was the worst decision of my life.” I was hoping to end it there, but Zack wasn’t having any of it.
“Keep going,” he said smugly.
“Look, I’m not going to talk about this, okay?” I retorted. “All you need to know is I made a bunch of shitty decisions, and now I regret them.”
“How badly do you regret them?” Questioned Zack softly.
I sighed, switching the phone from one ear to another. “Enough to have never gone on a date with a guy since you.”
“Seriously!?” He asked incredulously.
“Seriously,” I stated firmly.
“Wow.”
“Yup.”
“Have you… met any guys? That you would want to go on a date with?” He asked carefully. I guess he realized he was treading in shallow waters at this point.
“Not really,” I said softly. I guess I didn’t consider what I was about to say next, because I said it anyways. “No one like you.”
I expected Zack to laugh at me, hang up on me, or do something similar to those. But he didn’t. “Yeah, same here.” I could feel myself blushing, and I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not.
“What about Nicole?” I questioned, picking at a loose thread from my bed.
Zack sighed on the other line. “You swear you won’t tell anyone?” He asked, and I agreed. And I meant it – I wasn’t about to go and fuck up any kind of trust Zack had developed in me. “The sex – it’s terrible!” I couldn’t hold back a small chuckle. “Shit, Ava, I knew you wouldn’t take me seriously.”
“No, no, I’m sorry,” I fought back quickly. “What makes it so bad?”
“She just fucking lays there!” He exclaimed, and I could sense that Zack was letting up a lot of pent up frustration. “She doesn’t do anything at all.” I suppose I understood, but at the same time, I really didn’t. Zack was the only person I ever slept with, and I certainly didn’t just lay there with him. While I was still a virgin (one who was consumed with guilt, shame, and fear) I certainly got into it. “You know what was the hottest thing a girl ever did to me when we were having sex?”
“What?” I asked, not really wanting to know the answer. I didn’t care to know about all the sexual encounters Zack had over the years with girls that weren’t me.
I could hear the smile in Zack’s voice. “I had her hands over her head, and just as we were getting started, she held my hand. And she kept squeezing it whenever something felt really good or hurt.” He laughed softly. “At least I knew she was experiencing it with me. Like, she wasn’t just some dead body under me.”
My jaw went slack. That was me.
“Zack – I –“
He just chuckled again. “I mean, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or anything, but I’ve done some weird shit with girls over the past few years. Stuff that felt really awesome, and other stuff that, looking back on it, I should never have done. But I remember that night with you the most.” Fuck. He was going to make me cry. The phone was silent for a moment, before Zack softly asked, “Can I come up and visit you tomorrow?”
“Please,” I begged. “Come up now.”
“Why not?” He questioned calmly.
“B—because,” I stuttered, shocked at how he wasn’t angry with me for refusing his gift. “Two thousand dollars is… well, it’s a shitload of money!”
Zack scoffed, “You don’t think I know that?” I began to rub my temple with my free hand. This wasn’t going to be easy.
“I’m sure you do, Zack, which is why I wanted to thank you – so thank you – and give you back the money.” I scooted back on my bed and leaned back against the wall.
“I’m not going to let you,” he replied simply.
“Why not?” I asked, beginning to become aggravated.
“Because you need the money a lot more than I do.”
“That’s not true!” I exclaimed. “Look, I know I had a bit of a… breakdown at the hotel, but really Zack, it’s okay. I’ll get the money somehow. I don’t need to be anyone’s charity case.” That really got him riled up.
“Charity case!?” He yelled, and I swallowed the dense lump forming in the back of my throat. I hadn’t heard him yell like that since I had told him about the game in high school. “Is that what you think you are to me!? Someone I feel bad for!?”
“No, no,” I squeaked quickly. “Not at all.” He didn’t say anything back, but knowing Zack, I was sure he didn’t buy it. “I didn’t mean it like that, okay? What I meant to say was… was that there are about a million different ways you could have spent that money.”
“I don’t need you to tell me what to do with my money,” he responded lowly.
But I disregarded his last comment, still stuck on my last thought. “I mean, think of all the things you could have done with it.” I suppose I was mainly talking to myself at this point. “Paid your rent, bought a new guitar, given Nicole a gift –“
“Whoa, don’t bring her into this, okay?” He snapped suddenly.
“No, we should bring her into this,” I retorted. “How does she feel about you giving me two thousand dollars? She’s your girlfriend,” I said, stressing the word ‘girlfriend’. I sighed softly. “I don’t want her to hate me, Zack. She probably thinks that you’re, like, paying me off for something.” I stopped before I could become frantic.
“Nicole would never think anything like that,” he responded flatly. “She’s too… nice.” I paused for a moment, taken aback by the way he said ‘nice’. It was as though he was disgusted by the very thought of his girlfriend being a kind person.
“Oh,” I replied with a whisper. The conversation was non-existent for a bit, before Zack suddenly spoke up again.
“You know what your problem is, Ava?” I bit my lip, not wanting to know where this was going. “You care too much about what people think of you.” Yeah, no shit.
“That’s not true,” I fought back pathetically.
“Alright, if it’s not true, than explain to me what you meant when you said you didn’t want Nicole to hate you.” I opened my mouth to respond, but Zack beat me to it. “You know what,” he was getting riled up, I could tell. “Forget Nicole. Why don’t you try and rationalize what you did in high school.”
“Zack,” I begged, burying my face in my pillow. My voice became muffled. “Please don’t make me relive this.”
“I’m not asking you to relive it,” he replied. “Just give me an honest explanation.”
“I was stupid, okay?” I said, turning over on my bed and staring up at the ceiling. I gripped the phone tighter. “I let my insecurities get the better of me.”
“And was it worth it?” Was he really doing this to me? I wanted to hang up on him, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it. Even though he was yelling at me, I loved hearing his voice too much.
“No,” I whispered. “I thought I could prove to myself that I was better at something than Kylie, but she’ll always be a better person than me. For fucks sake, Zack, she got a full scholarship to an Ivy League school! I got into college by the skin of my damn teeth.”
“I don’t care about you and Kylie, Ava,” Zack scolded, and I frowned. “I care about you and I.”
“I – I…” I stopped talking, for the first time during the conversation truly not knowing what to say.
He repeated his question, this time with more venom to his voice. “Was. It. Worth. It?”
“No,” I cried. “Fuck, it was the worst decision of my life.” I was hoping to end it there, but Zack wasn’t having any of it.
“Keep going,” he said smugly.
“Look, I’m not going to talk about this, okay?” I retorted. “All you need to know is I made a bunch of shitty decisions, and now I regret them.”
“How badly do you regret them?” Questioned Zack softly.
I sighed, switching the phone from one ear to another. “Enough to have never gone on a date with a guy since you.”
“Seriously!?” He asked incredulously.
“Seriously,” I stated firmly.
“Wow.”
“Yup.”
“Have you… met any guys? That you would want to go on a date with?” He asked carefully. I guess he realized he was treading in shallow waters at this point.
“Not really,” I said softly. I guess I didn’t consider what I was about to say next, because I said it anyways. “No one like you.”
I expected Zack to laugh at me, hang up on me, or do something similar to those. But he didn’t. “Yeah, same here.” I could feel myself blushing, and I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not.
“What about Nicole?” I questioned, picking at a loose thread from my bed.
Zack sighed on the other line. “You swear you won’t tell anyone?” He asked, and I agreed. And I meant it – I wasn’t about to go and fuck up any kind of trust Zack had developed in me. “The sex – it’s terrible!” I couldn’t hold back a small chuckle. “Shit, Ava, I knew you wouldn’t take me seriously.”
“No, no, I’m sorry,” I fought back quickly. “What makes it so bad?”
“She just fucking lays there!” He exclaimed, and I could sense that Zack was letting up a lot of pent up frustration. “She doesn’t do anything at all.” I suppose I understood, but at the same time, I really didn’t. Zack was the only person I ever slept with, and I certainly didn’t just lay there with him. While I was still a virgin (one who was consumed with guilt, shame, and fear) I certainly got into it. “You know what was the hottest thing a girl ever did to me when we were having sex?”
“What?” I asked, not really wanting to know the answer. I didn’t care to know about all the sexual encounters Zack had over the years with girls that weren’t me.
I could hear the smile in Zack’s voice. “I had her hands over her head, and just as we were getting started, she held my hand. And she kept squeezing it whenever something felt really good or hurt.” He laughed softly. “At least I knew she was experiencing it with me. Like, she wasn’t just some dead body under me.”
My jaw went slack. That was me.
“Zack – I –“
He just chuckled again. “I mean, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or anything, but I’ve done some weird shit with girls over the past few years. Stuff that felt really awesome, and other stuff that, looking back on it, I should never have done. But I remember that night with you the most.” Fuck. He was going to make me cry. The phone was silent for a moment, before Zack softly asked, “Can I come up and visit you tomorrow?”
“Please,” I begged. “Come up now.”
♠ ♠ ♠
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-- Jay