Suffering Alone In Silence

Frank’s POV

Two weeks have gone by. I haven’t said much, and have eaten even less. I have just lost my appetite. I’ve started to notice that everyone is tip-toeing around me and I don’t particularly like it. I’ve gone back to sleeping in my own room, in my own bed; actually that is where I am hiding out. I just can’t face anyone right now; not even Gerard.

“Frankie?” Gerard questions through the door after knocking gently.

I don’t reply, just sit there staring at the door.

“Frankie? Are you alright?” He asks.

I continue to stare at the door, before getting up and going to hide in the closet. I know what will happen next, it happens at least twice a day. He’ll come in, see that I am not there, then comes to find me.

“Baby, I’m coming in.” He states, before opening the door.

I hear him sigh, and keep as quiet as possible. He walks around for a bit, before I hear him tap on the outside of the closet door. The next thing he does surprises me. He doesn’t open the door; but instead he sits on the other side of the door.

“Frankie, this isn’t helping you, or anyone. Please you need to go and see Mel; she calls here every couple of days, asking where you are. She knows everything that I know and is worried as ever. You haven’t eaten in days, you cry in your sleep, you won’t talk and you shut yourself in this room all day. You must be exhausted. Have you just given up frankie?” His tone is pleading and sad by the end of his ramble.

Guilt does not overtake my mind, because yes, I have given up. This is the only place where I am fine, where I am safe from the outside world. Gerard once again breaks the silence.

“You told me not too long ago how alive you felt. I don’t think you even know anymore. I don’t believe you are alive. You barely remember to breathe. Frankie, I miss you.” He says.

I hear him get up and start to walk away. I let a sob escape my lips and feel the tears make tracks down my cheeks. I am scared, and just want to give up on everything. Light suddenly floods my dark safe place in the bottom of the closet. I feel Gerard wrap his arms around me and hold me close to him.

He doesn’t say anything at all, and we don’t face each other. Gerard reaches up and closes the door again, and we are once again wrapped in darkness.

This is not me breaking my silence and healing once again, because I just don’t work like that. This is me saying that I am scared and I need help, but I don’t want it just yet. This is me attempting to gain some sanity by hurting myself. This is just how I am. I feel Gerard’s hands wander over my stomach and chest. He isn’t doing it for comfort or to arouse me, but rather to inspect the damage nearly a week of starvation has done to me. It’s noticeable, because I was slight to begin with, but even I know that this is getting dangerous. The peculiar thing about it is, that I don’t want to stop.

“You are all bone, baby, all bone,” He whispers in my ear.

He holds me slightly tighter, and nuzzles his face into the side of my neck.

“Come out of your room, please, just come and watch some TV,” He pleads.

I nod, and he removes his hands and gets up. He pulls me up once he is standing, and we leave the safety of my closet. I don’t even get to my bedroom door before my pants fall down to the floor. I curse myself in my head and pull my pant up again.

“Wait here, I’ll find something of Mikey’s for you to wear,” he says, noticing my dilemma.

I go and sit on my bed, while Gerard heads for Mikey’s room. He returns not five minutes later and hands me a pair of track pants. I take them in my hand and Gerard turns around. I remove my pants and replace them with Mikey’s pair. I tap Gerard in between his shoulder blades and he turns around. I look at him, and he smiles back at me.

We leave my room and walk down the stairs to the lounge room. I take a seat on the couch and Gerard turns the TV on. The news is on and there is a woman crying to the cameras.