Harder Than My Heart

Before; 14th March 2008

Trying to stop time is like trying to catch air with your bare hands. It’s all I wanted to do was to stop time, stop tomorrow coming, stop this from happening, stop him from going.

We were sitting at the table as Oli showed me on the map where they were going so I could keep track even though he said he’d talk to me everyday and let me know how everything was going and how he’d wish I was there with him…

Tom was sitting across the table from us fiddling with his camera; he was going with them as well. I was staying behind for my fine arts degree at university. It wasn’t like I could just packet everything up and jump on the bus with them. I was half way through the first year of my two year course, so I couldn’t leave as much as I wanted to.

“Then it’s off to Europe!” Oli cheered grinning at me. “I’ll pick yer up something nice from Paris, yeah?”

I stared at the map till it went blurry and nodded slowly. I pressed my lips together tightly and swallowed the lump in my throat. My head snapped up to Oli as he placed his hand over mine on my knee, wrapping his hand around my fingers tightly.

I gave him a small weak smile trying to hide the pain inside and not make this any harder than it already was. I couldn’t do distance and I didn’t tell Oli that.

“I need some water.” I mumbled pulling my hand away from his and getting up from the table to the kitchen.

Oli was planning on buying an apartment when he got back from tour, one he said that was for both of us. But 18 months is a long time and a lot can happen in that time, what if we wouldn’t last till then, what if he met someone else. There would be plenty of girls after him. He’d have more to choose from then.

I turned the tap on as the water came running out and placed my glass underneath it filling it up till the top. I gulped down the whole thing and my throat still felt itchy and dry.

I couldn’t feel like this now, it wasn’t fair on Oli, but he was the one leaving me so he should feel bad, right? I sighed as I stood in the kitchen alone; knowing that this is what it will be like once he leaves.

Slowly I went back into the living room where they were trying to hide my heart ache from them. Inside I was breaking down, crumbling like an old building, not too sure when I was going to collapse.

“Yer alright Faye?” Tom asked me as I came back, standing behind the chair I was sitting in.

I nodded not wanting to say anything just in case my voice gave it away. Oli looked up at me, his eyes wide and questioning. I gave him reassuring smile to keep him relaxed though I knew that part of him saw threw me. I reached forward, wrapping my arms around his neck and head, burying my face into his hair that smelled of coco nut. Oli laughed gripping his hands around my arms as I squeezed him tightly.

“Picture!” Tom yelled.

I pulled my face out of Oli’s hair, looking up to see Tom holding his camera up to his face ready to take a picture of us.

I opened my mouth wide to make if seem as if I was going to eat him. I didn’t know if Oli was pulling a face, but he normally was in every picture that he knew was being taken.

“Faye yer so sexy.” Tom laughed.

I rolled my eyes flipping him off and burying my face back into Oli’s hair.

“If yer want a cuddle yer just have to ask love.” Oli chuckled.

I hummed happily in his hair, nuzzling my face in his lovely locks. I moved around so I could sit on his lap, my arms dropping down to his neck now. Oli wrapped his arms around my waist tightly as I buried my face into the crock on his neck.

My heart was beating rapidly being this close to him, it always did. It was killing me that tomorrow I wouldn’t be able to do this for 18 long awful months. Just thinking about it I gripped fist falls of Oli’s hair and breathed in deeply, holding it for a second before I exhaled out heavily, my whole body shaking as the tears began to creep up.

“Yer alright love?” Oli whispered in my ear, his hands running up and down my side.

I nodded into his neck not wanting to see his face. I knew I couldn’t do this. I didn’t want to be away from him, I didn’t want him to go away with his friends to new countries where most of the time there would be drinking and a lot of girls.

I couldn’t ask him to stay; I didn’t want to be that girl. Oli deserved so much better than that, but I just couldn’t wait around for him. Not being able to touch and see him every day was like trying to live without a heart, because Oli is my heart.

“I love yer Faye.” Oli whispered in my ear.

“I love yer too.” I mumbled into his skin. Oli chuckled, moving my hair away, tucking it behind my ear and kissed my neck.

Oli began to talk to Tom about the tour, I listened until it be began background noise. I held onto Oli tightly, squeezing him each time waiting for him to squeeze me back and every time he did it reminded me that he was here with me right now.

I wouldn’t be able to survive the 18 months away from him. It was too long. I didn’t know if I could trust him, I wanted to trust him. He told me that I could, that I’d be the only girl on his mind all the time and that he’d never do anything to jeopardize our relationship.

But being away for so long changes people, I was scared that he would change, that our relationship wouldn’t be strong enough to cope with the distances, because I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t deal with not knowing that each time I woke up in the morning Oli wouldn’t be there and I wouldn’t have his kisses or hugs to get me through the day.

18 months was too long to go without touching, without seeing, without being around each other, it was too much for me to handle. I just couldn’t do it and I had to do something about it before he left tomorrow. I’d have to break my heart.

After; 15th November 2009

I stared at the picture of Oliver and I. Oliver was sitting at the table and I was behind him, my arms wrapped around his head and neck, pretending to bite him as he stuck out his tongue. I remember that day so perfectly as if the picture was a movie playing over again.

I did what had to be done. We were both going in different paths in our lives. The roads we were taking didn’t meet. How could he expect me to just sit around and wait for him to come back then knowing that he’d be off again?

Oliver kept saying that we’d talk every day that I could come out and see him but it just wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t do distance. I wanted to be selfish and have him all to myself, I didn’t want him to go but couldn’t live with myself knowing that I was the reason he never lived out his dream.

So I had to do the right thing for both of us, I couldn’t be selfish. I wasn’t sure where I had got the strength to do it, but I did, I ended it. As soon as it happened I didn’t feel safe anymore, I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to be swallowed into a black hole.

I didn’t take down the pictures of us; I didn’t want to actually admit that it was over. Denial was my best friend for 8 months. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I compared him to every guy that ever spoke to me, because there is only one Oliver Scott Sykes and he is the only man that I will ever love.

The 15th March 2008 was a significant point in my life. It was the day that I had broken my heart. Normally it’s someone else that breaks your own heart. Who would have thought that you can actually break your own heart?

Things might have been different if I didn’t do what I had done. If we were still together, would I be with him now, or at home alone? I had never stopped wondering and questioning about us and what could have happened.

I couldn’t get out of the past, it was my safe haven. Everything I wanted and needed was there, because that’s where Oliver was. After that day I didn’t hear from him at all, only what I read in the magazines, this and that from Caleb, my brother.

I always wondered if he had found someone else, someone better for him that could do distance and make a relationship work without being around. Caleb never said anything about Oliver finding someone and a part of me hoped that he hadn’t gotten over me, because I sure hadn’t moved from the place where he held me.

“Yer sure yer don’t wanna come tomorrow Faye.” Caleb asked me.

I stared at the picture of Oliver and I; the last picture that was ever taken of us, the one picture that I had kept with me where ever I went. I wanted him close to me even though he was in some other country doing god knows what and slowly, day by day forgetting what we had together.

“I’m sure.” I whispered closing my ears as a tear escaped.

Before; 15th March 2008

Nothing in the world could prepare me for what I was about to do as turned the corner on to Oli’s street. My legs seemed to slow down as I was getting closer to his house but my heart beat began to pick up rapidly.

He wasn’t leaving for another hour, I was meant to go to his house two hours ago but I had too much on my mind as I weighed out everything my brain could comprehend until I came to a final decision, one that I didn’t want to make but one that had to be done.

“Faye, where the fuck have yer been?” Oli yelled as he stood up from his door step, frowning at me as I stood in front of his gate frozen.

I wasn’t expecting him to be waiting for me. My heart began to beat franticly, causing the blood to rush through me quickly and my cheeks turned red as Oli’s frown turned into a smirk.

He jogged towards me, grabbed my hand pulling me back to his house. I was stiff and slow not wanting to go inside. Oli noticed the change in me and turned around, his eyebrows together with a worried expression.

Oli closed the space between us, wrapping one arm around my waist while the other hand cupped my cheek. I left my hands by my side trying to control myself so I wouldn’t pounce on him and make this harder than it is.

“Yer alright Faye?” Oli whispered softly, his warm brown chocolate eyes dancing at me.

I didn’t say anything; I just stared at him, taking in every inch of his perfect face, one that I’d miss everyday and cry over, wanting him to be with me. My breathing was uneven and heavy as I closed my eyes trying to relax my body as it tensed up when I parted my lips, struggling to find my voice.

“Oli… I can’t.” I said my voice barely audio.

“What?” Oli laughed. “Can’t what love?” He asked, tucking my hair behind my ears, stroking my skin with his thumb.

“I can’t… not for that long.” I murmured my eyebrows pulled together as I stared at him.

“What are yer talking about Faye? Yer can’t stay for long, yer mean?”

I shook my head. “I don’t want yer to go.” I choked, my hands coming up to the collar of his top, gripping the material forcefully as my eyes watered.

“Faye c’mon, don’t do this now.” Oli whined closing his eyes. “Not as I’m about to leave soon!”

“I don’t want yer to go Oli, but…but – but -” I sobbed trying to keep my voice calm as a wave of tears flooded down my cheeks. “I can’t… I can’t wait for yer, not for that long, no, I can’t. I can’t do it.”

“Faye c’mon now, yer being silly, yer don’t know what yer saying.” Oli cooed me, cupping my face. “Yer upset and scared, c’mon let’s go upstairs.”

I let Oli take me up stairs as I sobbed loudly, clutching onto him as if my life was depending on it and in reality it was. Oli pulled me into his room, shutting the door. He dragged my hands from my face, wiping away the tears with his thumbs. Our eyes locked together.

“I won’t be gone for long. We’ll talk everyday I promise.” Oli vowed, his voice delicate and hushed. “I’ll be missing yer too; I’ll be wanting yer with me too. It’s not for… not for too long Faye; I promise I’ll be coming back for yer. Once I’m back we can – we can buy a place together! Get a dog like we talked about. Just please, please.” Oli’s voice was shaky and he was talking really quickly, stuttering a little.

“No.” I cried closing my eyes. “I can’t. I don’t want to be without yer.”

I heard Oli breathe in deeply and when he exhaled it came out shaky and low. I opened my eyes seeing his head hanging low and then his shoulders began to shake violently and I heard a loud sob coming from him. He quickly slipped his arms around my neck, pulling me into him and burying his face into the crock of his neck as he cried viciously.

I was stunned, my eyes wide and my arms hanging down by my sides not knowing what to do as he continued to cry so loudly, his arms gripping around my neck tightly.

I could feel it, my heart slowly breaking into tiny pieces, impossible to put back together again. I kept telling myself that this was the best thing. We were going in different directions in our life, our paths weren’t meeting anymore. Distance would tear us apart and I knew that it was better to do it now than wait for it later down the road.

I knew I’d be alone waiting for him to call me and then cry every time he didn’t talk to me, because he’d be too tried or too busy to talk to me and I couldn’t deal with that, I couldn’t let my heart have that ache when he’d tell me an excuse.

Oli sniffed a few times and pulled his face away looking at me. His nose was all red and his eyes bloodshot as a few tears fell from his eyes when he blinked.

“I don’t wanna be without yer either Faye, so please, please don’t do this.” He begged, his hands running up my neck into my hair and gripping onto it.

I swallowed the lump in my throat trying to fight back the tears. I turned my head away from Oli, my heart crumbling slowly and painfully from the way he looked.

“No!” Oli yelled, gritting his teeth as he pulled my head back to his face, bring my face towards him so our foreheads were pressed against each other. “If yer gonna do this at least fucking look at me.”

A small sob escaped from my lips as I gave up and let the tears run down my face. I felt hot and stuffy; I could feel the heat coming off Oli’s face as he huffed.

“I can’t wait around for you.” I cried softly trying to clam down my crying so I could talk. “I don’t want to be alone.”

“If yer do this yer will be alone Faye.” Oli said blankly.

“But then… I won’t be wishing yer with me because yer won’t be mine.”

Oli breathed in heavily and tilted my head up, so our lips were hovering, just inches apart. I could feel his hot breathe against my lips as they trembled, tears still running down my cheeks into the corners of my lips.

“I don’t want yer to do this Faye, please. We can do this, we’re strong.”

I shook my head. “No, I can’t-”

“I can be strong enough for both of us.” Oli quickly said cutting me off. “It doesn’t have to be like this at all.”

“It is though. Yer going for 18 months Oli!” I cried. “I can’t do distance. I can’t be without yer touch; I want yer close to me all the time. I don’t feel safe unless I’m with yer.”

“But I am with yer, Faye.” Oli whispered. “I love yer so much.”

I let out a sob as he said those three words. It was making this so much harder, though how can anything like this be easy. I wanted to stay with Oli forever, but I couldn’t deal with him going off for so long around the world while I stayed behind and watched him live his life without me. I cried harder thinking about it.

Oli cut off my cries as he pressed his lips to mine roughly. Oli parted his lips, moving them against mine and I couldn’t stop myself from kissing him back, my hands instantly came up to his hair, wrapping my arms around his head, gripping his hair tightly as our kiss deepened and our bodies pressed together.

I cried out in pain, pulling my lips away from his pushing him away from me.

“No Oli, yer can’t do that! I don’t want yer to go but I don’t want yer to stay just because of me, that’s not fair, I won’t do that to you, so this is the only way.”

“Faye, please. Don’t do this. We can work it out, just please, not now.” He cried as his voice began to break again. I didn’t want to see him cry again, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“I have to go. I’m sorry Oli.”

I wiped my face with my selves trying to gather myself together until I got home, where I’d most likely spend all my time crying over Oli.

“No!” Oli yelled grabbing my arm pulling me back to face him. He gripped my forearms, his eyes still watery and his face red and patchy, his eyes wide and his eyebrows slightly pulled together as his eyes burned into my face.

“Tell me yer don’t love me.” He whispered.

“Uh…”

“If yer gonna end this then say it, tell me yer don’t love me Faye.”

“But I do… I do love yer Oli, more than yer can imagine. I can’t stop loving yer.”

Oli closed his eyes sighing heavy. “Then why do this. If yer love me then yer shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Not everyone who loves each other ends up together Oli.”

After; 16th November 2009

It was already dark outside at just 7pm. I stared out the window wondering what he was doing now that he was back, after the long 18 months of touring around the world.

I knew that Caleb was still at his because he said he’d come over afterwards. I told him not to. I didn’t want to see anyone, I wanted to stay inside, hidden away, too ashamed to come out.

I hadn’t heard anything from him, no texts, no phone calls, no emails, nothing. It was obvious that he didn’t want to see me. I don’t think I could handle seeing him either, even after 18 months of no word from him I hadn’t moved on and as much as I’d hate to admit it I think Oliver had.

He had his band and clothing line and I was almost finished with my fine arts degree. We were leading different lives and I’d never felt so alone in my life.

I turned off the lights but kept the TV on, hoping that if Caleb came by and saw that the lights were off he might not come in. I wrapped the blanket around me tightly sitting in the middle of the sofa as I stared at the TV, not watching it. I just wanted some company.

I jumped as I heard a knock on my door making my heart leap inside my chest. I knew it must be Caleb; he was the only person I knew to knock on doors before entering them.

I didn’t get up; I didn’t want to see him because if I did I knew I’d be asking him questions about Oliver. My brain was battling with my heart over it, my heart wanted to know everything, where as my brain was firmly telling me no.

He didn’t knock again and I hoped that he had left, but as I heard the door open I froze. I tired to pretend I was sleep as I heard the door open, but my heart was beating so fast and my palms began to get clammy.

I gave up pretending to be asleep as I heard his footsteps coming towards me, I waited for him to sit next to me but something was different. He stopped just before he reached the couch.

I sighed, closing my eyes. “Yer can come in Caleb, I won’t ask yer anything.”

“Ask me what?”

My eyes snapped open as the familiar voice I hadn’t heard for 18 months filled my ears. I was completely still, like I had been shocked. My heart was beating so fast that I could hear it pounding in my ears loudly.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to keep myself together. “Why… why are yer here?” I asked Oliver, not daring to turn around.

“I dunno.” He mumbled. “I… I just, well, I wanted to see yer… I guess.”

He really was killing me slowly. After the last time we saw each other I’d broken his heart as well as mine and now here he was after long 18 unbearable months he wanted to see me. I just didn’t understand.

I stared at the carpet, my eyes beginning to water as I heard his footsteps as he walked around and sat down next close to me on the sofa, too close. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. After all this time hearing nothing from him, he just turns up at my small flat because he wanted to see me…he guesses.

“How are yer Faye?” Oliver asked.

“Fine.” I said my voice hoarse and blank. “Yer?”

“I’m alright, a little tired from the plane ride, we just got back from Australia, did Sound Wave and then came home, so I’m pretty sure its like 1am there right now, so I’m beat, but I just can’t seem to sleep -”

“Why are yer here Oliver, really?” I pressed cutting him off from his rambling.

Oliver sighed. I sneakily took a glance at him and regretted it instantly. He looked different, a little bit older and his hair was big and curly like he’d stepped out of the shower just minutes ago and blow dried his hair. He’d probably gotten more tattoos as well no doubt. But he still dressed the same, skinny jeans, white v-neck and a jacket I’d never seen before. He looked better than ever.

I looked back to the carpet as I felt Oliver’s eyes burn into the side of my head.

“I really wanted to see yer Faye. I haven’t stopped thinking about yer.”

“Oh right.”

I didn’t know what else to say. I couldn’t seem to wrap my mind around it that he was here with me right now, sitting on my couch this very moment and telling me that he hasn’t stopped thinking about me. I couldn’t understand what was happening.

If he hadn’t stopped thinking about me then why hadn’t he tried to get in touch with me? I knew that the first chance that he tried to call me I’d answer it and beg for him to forgive me for everything I had said that day, because I realize now how stupid I had been.

“I told yer that yer’ll be the only girl I’d ever think about.” He laughed lightly bring up the past.

“So yer haven’t been with anyone else…?” I asked turning to face him this time.

Oliver stared at me for a minute before he twisted his lips to the side and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Right.” I mumbled to myself.

“It was only when I was smashed drunk, but then that made me forget about yer and I didn’t wanna forget about yer, so I stopped drinking.”

“If…if yer thought about me all the time… why – why didn’t yer try to call me, or anything?” I whispered and quickly averted my eyes to the floor.

“I didn’t think yer wanted to talk to me… After… well, after that day, the way things ended I didn’t think yer wanted anything to do with me.” Oliver said softly, shifting on the sofa.

“Why are yer here now then? If yer think that I don’t want anything to do with yer…”

Oli sighed. “Caleb spoke to me…”

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the sofa, trying to soak in everything that was happening.

“Then I realized something…”

I opened my eyes looking up at the ceilings and slowly pulled my head up too look at Oliver. His eyes were warm and his face was soft, all I wanted him to do was to hold me, but I fought back the urges to reach out and touch him.

“What?” I pressed for he hadn’t said anything for a few seconds.

“I realized that yer never did say that yer didn’t love me that day.”

“No, I said I’d never stop loving yer.”

“Aye I remember.”

Neither of us said anything for a few minutes. The TV managed to drown out the silence between us. I couldn’t believe what Oliver was saying, it was all too clear now that he had never moved on either. I could feel my heart beat quickening; I hadn’t felt it beat this fast in so long, Oliver was really the only person ever to make me feel like this.

“So did yer lose yer voice after yer realized?”

“Er… what?”

“Why didn’t yer try and call me after yer realized that of course I do love yer.” I held my breath for a second after the words came out of my mouth, I wasn’t intending them to come out but it was too late now and it wasn’t like he didn’t know or that I didn’t want him to know.

“I dunno Faye.” He mumbled covering his face up with his hands. “I just… I was angry for most of the time, that’s when I was drinking and… stuff. Then once I realized I thought it was too late. All the times I spoke to Caleb it was so hard not to ask him about yer, he never brought yer up ‘cause he probably thought that I didn’t wanna know, but really… I wanted to know how yer were, how yer degree was going, if yer were doing better than me… I felt so alone.”

I gripped onto the blanket tightly, pulling it to my heart as I bit down hard on my bottom lip while my eyes began to water. Hearing him say all that was destroying me, it had been what I was waiting to hear and I wanted to tell him how silly I was that day and that he was right that I was just scared and upset. I’d ruin everything between us when we hadn’t even tried to do the long distance thing.

“I ruined everything between us.” I whispered my voice cracking. “I broke yer heart and yet yer here right now telling me all this. Yer killing me Oliver.”

I just managed to chock out the last word as I broke down in a fit full of sobs. Oliver’s arms wrapped around me, pulling me into him and my arms draped around his neck tightly, burying my face into his neck as Oliver tried to calm me down.

“It’s alright Faye. That day’s in the past love, yer can’t change yer past but yer can change yer future and all I want is yer in my future.” Oliver whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek.

I pulled back stunned, my sobs stopping instantly; I stared at him, in shock, my eyes widened and mind puzzled.

“What… How, how can yer just say that though?” I sniffed wiping my nose with my sleeve. “After that day… I broke yer heart… I broke my own heart too, I… I was so stupid and now… now yer want me back? After what I put yer through… how can yer want me Oliver, I just don’t understand.” I wept.

“Its love Faye, it doesn’t have to make sense at all.” Oliver laughed lightly, cupping my face. Our eyes locked and I melted into his warm touch that I had been longing for. “I love yer and yer love me… so it doesn’t matter, everything else doesn’t matter. I don’t care about what happened in the past, because that’s where it’s going to stay. I just want yer and only yer. I’ve been without yer for 18 awful months and I don’t wanna ever be without yer now. I love yer so much Faye, I wanna be with yer. Yer a stupid girl what yer did back then, but yer are the only girl for me.”

I was a mess when Oliver had finished, bawling like a baby. I could feel my heart swelling up as his words play around in my head over and over again. I’d never felt as safe in my life as he held me close to him, rubbing my back and kissing my cheek.

“I love yer so much Oli, I do really. I’m so sorry what I did… I don’t wanna be without yer either. I just couldn’t cope back then know that yer’d be gone for -”

Oli placed a finger on my lips stopping me from talking. “It don’t matter now okay, that’s in the past.”

I smiled, in what felt like the first time in for so long and wrapped my hand around his finger on my lip, our fingers slowly entwining together tightly. Oli leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine for a brief moment before pulling away.

“Yer were wrong y’know.” He whispered against my lips, a small cute sideways smile playing up on his lips.

“About what?” I asked as I gazed into his warm chocolate smouldering eyes.

“People who love each other as much as we do, do end up together Faye, they’re meant to, because they are meant for each other.”